Feeling stupid

[rainbowrose]

Hi. Been lurking a while. Finally made an account. A little about me: been doing all different kinds of substances for ten years now. Starting with weed. Codeine, vics, oxys - the latter of which was originally prescribed for legitimate migraines I'm plagued with. Have done my share of psychedelics and X.

Recently got into H because my bf said it would definitely help with my headaches. This was about four months ago. Problem is I found it helps with everything else too. Sure, I like it. It's no secret. But before, my bf was the gatekeeper. He got talked to our acquirer, got the dope, and hid the box with our tools. I would hide the dope. So neither of us could (theoretically) get into trouble. We tried to be honest about it for a while. Well, I say "we", but I meant me.

I'd find the box with our tools. The first couple times I did it by myself, I felt sneaky but giddy. Finders Keepers, and all the bs. Whatever you say to justify it to yourself. I'd confess after a while that I found our box of tools, and my bf would find another hiding place for it to keep it away from me. I kept finding it.

Last week, I found our acquirer's number and called him myself. I bought some myself. Got myself my own tools at the exchange, and have my own stash. Now it's only been a week, but I've been doing it on my own twice a day. My bf and I decided to have some together, unbeknownst to him that I'd been having my own every day this last week.

Now I feel kinda dizzy and jittery. Also a little sick. I have a headache, but I don't want to take anymore of that stuff. I haven't confessed about my own stash to my bf, and I don't want to. I'm just hoping I haven't gone too far. I'm a total noob at this anyway. I couldn't have done that much, compared to long-time addicts. I really think I need to slow my roll, though.

Anyway, that's me. Feeling like a dope on dope. Please be gentle.

 

[Greene0Kelly]

I hope you will realize that those drugs will not bring you any good, Rose. Those are just temporary highs, not everlasting. Don't make yourself sick.


- from a concerned woman

 

[ScroogeMcDuck57]

You can use the real words for drugs here. Are you talking about heroin or meth?
I'd keep doing them until something really bad happens. There's no point in being dishonest with your dude. But that's just me. Welcome to BL

 

[rainbowrose]

Thank you, peeps. Sorry for my newness. I wasn't sure about using the words. Yes, heroin is what I meant. I felt better afterward. I did some again today because I get awful cramps with my period. I try to be pretty measured about how much I put in my spoon.

Thank you for your concern, and for your non-judgement. It's a relief to not be judged about this stuff. It's one of my biggest fears, really. Yes, it's totally temporary. Everyone says they can control themselves until they can't. Reading everyone's stories on here has helped me a lot. Life right now is pretty awful. We're going to move to a bigger city soon where I have friends and things to do. I'm hoping that what they say about addiction is right: change the atmosphere, have a social life, and it eliminates the need to seek pleasure elsewhere.

I'm happy I found this site.

 

[ScroogeMcDuck57]

Idk who says that about addiction, but that does not sound true in the least. I think the biggest danger is believing you're managing your habit somehow while still using.