Feeling stuck, and in despair with my use.

[dilated_pupils]

I grew up with the world in my hands, intelligent with a promising future. I no longer see this in myself and it stems from my use, but not that alone.

My values have severely been effected and I will explain.

At the age of 16 I started using cocaine, around 17-18 opiates and then I got on suboxone. Cocaine use was rapid during this time, all the way up until my first semester in college where I started selling it to pay for my use. Then I only passed a few classes and never went back.

I had used psychedelics on and off my whole life, with no problems, other than an occasional hard to deal with trip, but I started more heavy into research chemicals the past 4 years or so of my life. First with the mdpv and now the substitutes. I've lost all my friends, I have no motivation to even want any, people will try to make plans and even if I do hang out with anyone I don't feel myself. I'm not open or outgoing, I'm thinking about using the whole time, and even if I'm not thinking about using I feel a lack of substance in everything I'm saying anymore.

I've had no job for many years, I just do odd jobs for my family to make enough cash to live. I'm 25 and just got back home from a 2 1/2 months rehab after getting into a halfway house and using and obviously I got kicked out.

The positives are I'm off probation. The negatives are I've also went from that promising child (which whom I look to a lot for what should be inspiration but it turns to despair) to a nothing. My father owns a business and I'm not involved what so ever, and I don't blame him I am not as dependable as I'd like to think, however I do usually remain to be an honest and forthcoming person when it comes down to it. I've always valued honor and honesty and I try to work on these things daily. They shouldn't be things I work on though! The me I always thought I was seems to be dead, and what is left is a man who knows what he believes but has no way to live it other than when I'm high (or so I feel).

I've been having issues with apparent OD's which lead me to psych hospitals and it's gotten bad lately. Two trips to them within a month or so. I know if I were to leave the home I'd probably end up being a bum and just using without the psych stuff getting involved but since I'm not doing this I guess I want some help to a degree either that or I'm incapable of understanding how badly I need to get to a better location to live. I haven't had a girlfriend for a few years now, with only one random hookup I feel very unmotivated to even want to get close to anyone. I definitely know it isn't hard to get laid but the last thing I need is to go live that lifestyle alongside with how I'm feeling when I'm alone. That is truly not the person I want to be.

At times I feel like I've allowed people to make my decisions for me which may have been the only option in the surrounding minds of people seeing me use. I then feel angry and resentful towards my self but because I don't voice myself because I don't yell or get verbally angry. Instead I act calm and then just use my drugs to allow these feelings to subside. Sometimes it works sometimes I become self destructive and don't even follow safe procedures in my use. Someone recently asked me to at least draw the line with my use, and even though I'm the type of person whom likes pushing the boundaries, I've become the guy who allows the drug to draw the lines and sometimes they are not even holding me back and I go way past that.

I want to get better, I want to be the me I can be, I'm 25 and have a lot of things I need and want to accomplish. I feel like if I was given the opportunity to succeed I would gladly take it and honor it. But then again I have nothing to reinforce my confidence in this aspect of my life and it hurts me greatly. I've exposed my family to my use much more than I ever thought possible, to them finding needles - I never thought I'd ever tell them let alone become the guy found on the floor with a needle next to him and blood on his arm.

I am happy to know I'm still supported by those who love me still (some how). I keep getting chance after chance while meanwhile I plan relapse as I hear this, which is quite sickening I suppose. I don't mean to sound so disrespectful but I don't know what to do.

I don't know exactly what I'm asking for here, maybe just some real words, criticism or some love, either way I'm down to read the responses and work with myself. I just started lamictal again and I'm doubtful of it being a god send, but I am going to play the role of the user trying to get help as much as I can and maybe my eyes will open to the fact this is what I needed along the way. Who knows though? Much love to BL for still being here for me, this is better than anything else I've been able to get through to a therapist in a long time.

-dilated_pupils

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I feel you, really.

Off to put benzos in my body and feel like a prick now.

 

[ArtVandalay]

Hey man, I relate to your story. I'm ten years older but I went through a similar situation. My family owns a business, I lost control with my addiction. I experienced pyschosis due to mdpv. It took being fired, losing my girl, my dogs, everything for me to get clean. I was an opiate addict, now on suboxone, starting to taper off. I suggest you go to NA, get a sponsor. Get a job, exercise, get your life back. It took me about a year to gain trust from my family, then I found a girlfriend, now I have multiple jobs, awesome friends, a good life. You can do this.

 

[herbavore]

d_p, it is good to hear your words. Haven't heard from you in a while. Sounds like you are in an open place in your mind--neither stuck in denial nor total hopelessness. Even though you describe feeling discouraged you still have hope and that cannot be undervalued.

I really believe that it is not possible to heal a life that you feel no attachment to.We go along as dutiful little kids just assuming that adult life will be something we want when we get there but ime most of us don't really want the one proffered by the culture. It takes imagination and a huge amount of risk and uncertainty to create a life that you are excited about living. I also know that losing everything to addiction can add an even deeper layer--if you lose your job, your relationships and your home and possessions everything gets focused on getting those back. That's a worthy goal but what if it isn't enough because it was never enough in the first place for you? What if what you want you haven't even defined yet?

The task facing each of us, addict or not, is self-acceptance; learning who we are, what our capacities are--not in a comparison with anyone else--just our natures and what makes us feel most alive and engaged. Don't beat yourself up for getting "chance after chance" and still relapsing. Either the structure of those chances is not enough or your fear of life without numbed emotions is still too strong. When you run from emotions like anger and fear they just become more threatening. All the power goes to the negative chatter in your head. Letting those emotions come and wash through you without judgment takes practice but it's very rewarding in the end because they come less and less.

I'm glad that you are here. Glad you have survived and glad that you are in a searching place inside.

 

[dilated_pupils]

It took me about a year to gain trust from my family, then I found a girlfriend, now I have multiple jobs, awesome friends, a good life. You can do this.

It's cool you can relate so much, I'm glad to see some words of inspiration from someone in a similar situation (much more so than I can give credit over web forums). Thank you.

It takes imagination and a huge amount of risk and uncertainty to create a life that you are excited about living.

So very true, and I guess when I surpass what I believe is overcoming obstacles while high, I see the excitement of a life I can still acquire. Much like on cocaine people say this or that about things they want to do and usually they're sad when they don't follow through. I guess I'm still trying to assimilate where I want to be but without a structure that I have yet to create I obviously fall to my knees because I'm looking in the wrong places.

Thank you for the kind words though, you hit the nail on the head with everything you said.

-dp

 

[Xorkoth]

Hey man, long time no see. I recently got off opiates with ibogaine and it really helped provide a push to change my patterns. It actually worked. Before that I wasn't in quite as bad a place as it sounds like you are, but I can very much relate with your feelings of the old you being gone. I thought it was, but I was never dead, I was just so destroyed by 10+ years of drug abuse (and some other factors, I can bet there are other factors involved with you too), that I couldn't see myself anymore. Also you say you hold everything in and use drugs to deal with it... I did that too, and it was a huge part of my misery. Some of us are good at holding things in, but it hurts us so much to suppress our feelings, you don't even realize how much until you stop.

I think regardless of how you do it, you need to stop taking drugs, as soon as possible, because it will continue to get worse by covering it up. Feel free to PM me.

 

[dilated_pupils]

Hey xorkoth, man it's been a long time! We definitely have to catch up. I'll hit you up soon with my info. Thanks for the post, and glad to hear you're doing well.

-dp

 

[pruto]

Have you ever thought about telling this to your doctor? Im sure your family loves you and cares, and i feel like you're one of those people that think "no doctor will ever be able to help me". You may think that, but honestly, have you ever been completely honest with them like you're being with us on here? I know this is making me sound like a dick, but reallly, have you? Maybe if you were more honest about everything with a doctor, they might be able to help you out. I understand how you feel at the same time. I suffer from depression and my family is not that great, caring yes, loving yes, but are we all close? Not at all. I used to be close with my brother but thats not the same anymore. Either way, i really think you should try going to see someone and telling them this. Maybe you're scared that they will think you're crazy and they will throw you away to some where terrible? I really don't think that would happen. I think they would try to be there and help you to the point of where you dont need to feel the need of "escaping reality". We're all here for you, we all just want you to get better and live your life the way you're supposed to live it. Live life to the fullest d_p. -Pruto