Feeling really depressed and hopeless

[F1n1shed]

I'm quitting heroin and meth, had a recent relapse with them(couple months usage) and am firm on it. I know i can do it, i have to or i will be kicked out my parents house... Today is day 2 with out them.

Anyways that is besides the point, i am not a social media person but decided to hop on Instagram to lurk on peoples lives and posts. I see all these people i use to know, doing things going places and with their lovers. I don't know why i do it but every once in a while i like to go on some social media and check out peoples lives and dwell on mine.

I just turned 25 recently and have never had a fucking girl friend... i had a crush thing going on in 5th grade but that's it no REAL gf. I feel pathetic, i cannot act my self i always put on a front for other people. Been judged a lot in my life, even by close friends. Been dealing with addiction for 8 years+ on and off... mostly on. Once again i am quitting, knowing that i will have to deal with the void in my life which will probably have me start using again.

Worst part was i was known as the happiest kid in grade school, had friends in every group. Could talk to any girl at any time, and literally had 10+ girls who admitted they had crushes on me. I have been dealing with anxiety and depression since age of puberty and it has never lifted, gets a little better at times but is ALWAYS present.

Don't really see the point in going on... honestly

 

[Stringer_Bell]

You're not a loser, not at all. Anxiety and depression are horrible to deal with and sometimes we make horrible choices to cope. The fact you were so popular when you were younger shows you have a personality that people like. At the moment it's just obfuscated by the addiction.

Social media is BS. I could send you links about young people that killed themselves even though if one went by social media it would appear that they had the perfect life. People construct their image deliberately on social media - it doesn't reflect reality.

You're only 25. Plenty of time for gfs and all that.

I understand how low you must feel and the self loathing. I'd always felt superior to drug addicts, thanking God that I wasn't in their position of losing everything just for some stupid drug. But recently I've slid incredibly quickly into a coke addiction and am now terrified that I may have thrown my life away already.

You're quitting. Hopefully you'll make it this time. The important point is that you want to stop.

 

[F1n1shed]

You're not a loser, not at all. Anxiety and depression are horrible to deal with and sometimes we make horrible choices to cope. The fact you were so popular when you were younger shows you have a personality that people like. At the moment it's just obfuscated by the addiction.

Social media is BS. I could send you links about young people that killed themselves even though if one went by social media it would appear that they had the perfect life. People construct their image deliberately on social media - it doesn't reflect reality.

You're only 25. Plenty of time for gfs and all that.

I understand how low you must feel and the self loathing. I'd always felt superior to drug addicts, thanking God that I wasn't in their position of losing everything just for some stupid drug. But recently I've slid incredibly quickly into a coke addiction and am now terrified that I may have thrown my life away already.

You're quitting. Hopefully you'll make it this time. The important point is that you want to stop.

I do want to stop, any time i get addicted to a substance i hate it and want to stop. And most times i succeed on my own, problem is as soon as i start feeling better i go back. Never ending cycle honestly

Also on the 25 thing, there isn't plenty of time for girlfriends man, i am really feeling like i am running out of time. I told my self in high school i am still young i don't have a gf, plenty of time. Well now look , i am getting older and women have already dated and fucked PLENTY of guys by now. I feel like i am left behind ... sorry if i sound like a bitch right now but honestly fuck a job, money, work or anything. I want and need a relationship ASAP, if only i could stop being anxious and approach girls i find attractive. That has always been my issue.. i can't find girls on my own

 

[CfZrx]

You'll meet hella chicks at NA

 

[herbavore]

Hey OP, I just wanted to give you a little pep talk about the girl thing. Work on yourself without having that as a goal. By work on yourself I mean develop your interests, if you don't have any, then experiment until you do. Work on your self-talk. Any time your mind starts in with the negative, shaming voice, just picture yourself walking out of the room. You may find at first that you hear that voice in your head even more but that's because its threatened--it wants to stay. But after a while you will notice it gets easier to ignore, that you find new ways of saying things and seeing them. (Like"Man, that hurt. But I tried." instead of "See man, you always fail.") Try not to even think about a relationship right now. If your self-esteem is on the floor, you are not ready for a truly nurturing relationship and that's what you are after, right? So just keep doing things that stimulate your mind, that keep you engaged and that you truly enjoy, even when they involve hard work. I promise, if you do all that for while and you stop trying to present someone that you are not, the women will be there.

 

[Mysterie]

you're at the most important part of recovery which is being able to see clearly how you feel about the drugs, and know what things you would like to do which are obstructed by drugs and addiction.

i have a similar story but i got broken out of the cycle of self-abuse when i went on a 10 day vipassana meditation retreat, if the urge is there to see how life can be experienced through the present, and you probably already have a tendency towards extreme experiences, its a great way to alter the relationship to anxiety/depression.

the fact you made this post, to me is a positive sign on your journey out of the darkness.

if you can get hooked on something which nourishes you, or at least doesn't harm yourself. that could be a good idea. it could be just an interest in healthyness/wellbeing, interest in music/books, in getting outside, going on hikes, fishing, riding, running, swimming. reconnecting with old friends or making new ones. finding a group which does some activity that you have some level of interest in (sport/craft etc)

it gets better dude !

 

[F1n1shed]

Hey OP, I just wanted to give you a little pep talk about the girl thing. Work on yourself without having that as a goal. By work on yourself I mean develop your interests, if you don't have any, then experiment until you do. Work on your self-talk. Any time your mind starts in with the negative, shaming voice, just picture yourself walking out of the room. You may find at first that you hear that voice in your head even more but that's because its threatened--it wants to stay. But after a while you will notice it gets easier to ignore, that you find new ways of saying things and seeing them. (Like"Man, that hurt. But I tried." instead of "See man, you always fail.") Try not to even think about a relationship right now. If your self-esteem is on the floor, you are not ready for a truly nurturing relationship and that's what you are after, right? So just keep doing things that stimulate your mind, that keep you engaged and that you truly enjoy, even when they involve hard work. I promise, if you do all that for while and you stop trying to present someone that you are not, the women will be there.

Thank you, i am trying so hard to get in the positive mind set. I always have to remind my self to be positive, my natural state is extreme dwelling and i am ALWAYS stuck in the past. I have been to many seminars , meetings etc etc but for some reason unless i constantly snap my self out of it i am always stuck in past memories (negative ones)

 

[F1n1shed]

you're at the most important part of recovery which is being able to see clearly how you feel about the drugs, and know what things you would like to do which are obstructed by drugs and addiction.

i have a similar story but i got broken out of the cycle of self-abuse when i went on a 10 day vipassana meditation retreat, if the urge is there to see how life can be experienced through the present, and you probably already have a tendency towards extreme experiences, its a great way to alter the relationship to anxiety/depression.

the fact you made this post, to me is a positive sign on your journey out of the darkness.

if you can get hooked on something which nourishes you, or at least doesn't harm yourself. that could be a good idea. it could be just an interest in healthyness/wellbeing, interest in music/books, in getting outside, going on hikes, fishing, riding, running, swimming. reconnecting with old friends or making new ones. finding a group which does some activity that you have some level of interest in (sport/craft etc)

it gets better dude !

I am getting back into exercising as i want my neurons to start getting healthy again, need that dopamine and endorphin rush! I don't know people to go on hikes with.. i have a lot of using friends in this city i guess i will go alone. I am going to have to do a lot of things as a lone wolf right now.

 

[Deleted member 210577]

I'm quitting heroin and meth, had a recent relapse with them(couple months usage) and am firm on it. I know i can do it, i have to or i will be kicked out my parents house... Today is day 2 with out them.

Good. Fuck that shit. You don't need that in your life. You're not 'quitting'.. You have quit. Start re-framing that shit right now.. you're done. Finished. Finito. You want to build a better life for yourself.

Anyways that is besides the point, i am not a social media person but decided to hop on Instagram to lurk on peoples lives and posts. I see all these people i use to know, doing things going places and with their lovers. I don't know why i do it but every once in a while i like to go on some social media and check out peoples lives and dwell on mine.

Fuck social media.. it is a narcissistic circle jerk. It's all for show. People are always going to be further ahead or behind than each other in life, what ever that even means. It's not a race or competition. Anyway you're only seeing the mask of these people.. you have no idea what is going on in their heads. They might be quite unhappy. Delusional. They may have a 2" cock. Or cancer. Or their hot girlfriend may be cheating on them. Or not in love with each other. The guy with the amazing job might get made redundant tomorrow. It's all surface dross mate.. don't compare.

You are where you are. You feel unhappy and satisfied with that, that's ok.. an honest reflection and feeling perhaps. You recognize you want to make a change. That's good. Now start taking action.

I just turned 25 recently and have never had a fucking girl friend... i had a crush thing going on in 5th grade but that's it no REAL gf. I feel pathetic, i cannot act my self i always put on a front for other people. Been judged a lot in my life, even by close friends. Been dealing with addiction for 8 years+ on and off... mostly on. Once again i am quitting, knowing that i will have to deal with the void in my life which will probably have me start using again.

OK so we've identified the problem here. Knock that attitude off right now.. substances will never fill the void. But neither will another person. You have to accept that you are capable of holding yourself up, that you can do that. And you can! Also stop putting on a front for other people.. just relax about yourself a little (and be compassionate for yourself: you're learning/growing). When you've learned to live with yourself you will become very attractive to the opposite sex. And 25? You were dealing with shit in your life, cut yourself some slack.. but start working on yourself today though. Once you gain momentum you will have a story to share with someone (maybe don't share it on the first date lol), that you were in a dark place and you overcame all of that to become who you are. Conquer the shit out of this and you will have something a lot of guys don't.

25 is nothing. You got plenty of time to turn all this around. I would make peace with the idea now that your first gf or two may not go to plan as you would like it.. I mean they might.. but just treat them as learning experiences.

Worst part was i was known as the happiest kid in grade school, had friends in every group. Could talk to any girl at any time, and literally had 10+ girls who admitted they had crushes on me. I have been dealing with anxiety and depression since age of puberty and it has never lifted, gets a little better at times but is ALWAYS present.

Don't really see the point in going on... honestly

I don't believe you believe that last statement. You recognize the problem and are taking steps to make your life better. You want some reassurance and guidance, hence why you posted. This is not an insurmountable problem and you're still young. Get to it

 

[herbavore]

Puberty really does a number on us in modern culture. Puberty is when we psychically turn from our family of origin to the outside world of our peers. Unfortunately for us that world is such a massive mess of collective insecurity and sum of individual self-hatred that a lot of scarring takes place. Sometimes, I am surprised we don't actually hear a great tearing sound as we are each being ripped away from that authentic self that was who we used to wake up as every morning when we were little kids. Maybe the reason that you cannot leave the past memories behind is that you need to revisit them more deeply in some sort of safe setting and find out why they continues to hook you in. Sometimes we can see through something rationally but still be invested emotionally. Confronting the emotional attachment to past pain can be hard and scary but freeing. If you have the means to see a counselor, look for one that you feel trust with on every level (you trust their intelligence, integrity and skill).

 

[F1n1shed]

Good. Fuck that shit. You don't need that in your life. You're not 'quitting'.. You have quit. Start re-framing that shit right now.. you're done. Finished. Finito. You want to build a better life for yourself.



Fuck social media.. it is a narcissistic circle jerk. It's all for show. People are always going to be further ahead or behind than each other in life, what ever that even means. It's not a race or competition. Anyway you're only seeing the mask of these people.. you have no idea what is going on in their heads. They might be quite unhappy. Delusional. They may have a 2" cock. Or cancer. Or their hot girlfriend may be cheating on them. Or not in love with each other. The guy with the amazing job might get made redundant tomorrow. It's all surface dross mate.. don't compare.

You are where you are. You feel unhappy and satisfied with that, that's ok.. an honest reflection and feeling perhaps. You recognize you want to make a change. That's good. Now start taking action.



OK so we've identified the problem here. Knock that attitude off right now.. substances will never fill the void. But neither will another person. You have to accept that you are capable of holding yourself up, that you can do that. And you can! Also stop putting on a front for other people.. just relax about yourself a little (and be compassionate for yourself: you're learning/growing). When you've learned to live with yourself you will become very attractive to the opposite sex. And 25? You were dealing with shit in your life, cut yourself some slack.. but start working on yourself today though. Once you gain momentum you will have a story to share with someone (maybe don't share it on the first date lol), that you were in a dark place and you overcame all of that to become who you are. Conquer the shit out of this and you will have something a lot of guys don't.

25 is nothing. You got plenty of time to turn all this around. I would make peace with the idea now that your first gf or two may not go to plan as you would like it.. I mean they might.. but just treat them as learning experiences.



I don't believe you believe that last statement. You recognize the problem and are taking steps to make your life better. You want some reassurance and guidance, hence why you posted. This is not an insurmountable problem and you're still young. Get to it

Thanks mate, you hit a lot of good points. I know social media is narcissistic bull shit that's why i deleted my face book a long time ago, i hop on them once in a while to lurk but i need to stop that shit!

I am doing my best to work on my self right now, there was a period of a few years where i would stay in doors 24/7. I would do drugs and game, watch you tube, movies, music porn what ever had to do with internet and my PC. Seriously was a fucking hell hole, had my parents bitching at me daily to go outside and find a job or go back to school (I would take classes sometimes but dropped out).

Anyways i wanted so so bad to go out and do things but my depression was so bad that every day i would just wake up 2pm and start the cycle again. Today i force my self outside at least once a day, for an AA meeting or a walk or something... it really helps. I had a job not long ago but it moved so i am trying to stay busy with what ever i can.

 

[F1n1shed]

Puberty really does a number on us in modern culture. Puberty is when we psychically turn from our family of origin to the outside world of our peers. Unfortunately for us that world is such a massive mess of collective insecurity and sum of individual self-hatred that a lot of scarring takes place. Sometimes, I am surprised we don't actually hear a great tearing sound as we are each being ripped away from that authentic self that was who we used to wake up as every morning when we were little kids. Maybe the reason that you cannot leave the past memories behind is that you need to revisit them more deeply in some sort of safe setting and find out why they continues to hook you in. Sometimes we can see through something rationally but still be invested emotionally. Confronting the emotional attachment to past pain can be hard and scary but freeing. If you have the means to see a counselor, look for one that you feel trust with on every level (you trust their intelligence, integrity and skill).

Most counselors i have had bad luck with, they just sit and listen and not offer much advice. Also i usually hold back deep information... somethings i will take to the grave.
I have revisited memories on my own, and gained perspective on them and really tried to understand what happened with rationale. And usually i can move on , it's just sometimes they come back with a vengeance and take me down if you know what i mean. For the most part i think i have come to terms with them...

 

[herbavore]

Yeah, I hear you. When I'm not recommending that profession, I'm bashing it.

 

[realtalkloc]

Good. Fuck that shit. You don't need that in your life. You're not 'quitting'.. You have quit. Start re-framing that shit right now.. you're done. Finished. Finito. You want to build a better life for yourself.



Fuck social media.. it is a narcissistic circle jerk. It's all for show. People are always going to be further ahead or behind than each other in life, what ever that even means. It's not a race or competition. Anyway you're only seeing the mask of these people.. you have no idea what is going on in their heads. They might be quite unhappy. Delusional. They may have a 2" cock. Or cancer. Or their hot girlfriend may be cheating on them. Or not in love with each other. The guy with the amazing job might get made redundant tomorrow. It's all surface dross mate.. don't compare.

You are where you are. You feel unhappy and satisfied with that, that's ok.. an honest reflection and feeling perhaps. You recognize you want to make a change. That's good. Now start taking action.



OK so we've identified the problem here. Knock that attitude off right now.. substances will never fill the void. But neither will another person. You have to accept that you are capable of holding yourself up, that you can do that. And you can! Also stop putting on a front for other people.. just relax about yourself a little (and be compassionate for yourself: you're learning/growing). When you've learned to live with yourself you will become very attractive to the opposite sex. And 25? You were dealing with shit in your life, cut yourself some slack.. but start working on yourself today though. Once you gain momentum you will have a story to share with someone (maybe don't share it on the first date lol), that you were in a dark place and you overcame all of that to become who you are. Conquer the shit out of this and you will have something a lot of guys don't.

25 is nothing. You got plenty of time to turn all this around. I would make peace with the idea now that your first gf or two may not go to plan as you would like it.. I mean they might.. but just treat them as learning experiences.



I don't believe you believe that last statement. You recognize the problem and are taking steps to make your life better. You want some reassurance and guidance, hence why you posted. This is not an insurmountable problem and you're still young. Get to it

this is some real talk. F1n1shed you won't get this kind of advice again in life , preserve it, tat it on your chest and live by it.

 

[F1n1shed]

this is some real talk. F1n1shed you won't get this kind of advice again in life , preserve it, tat it on your chest and live by it.

indeed i haven't visited this thread in a few , i need to visit it every day and re read that post. Still sucking it up and staying sober , going to meetings. This is a bitch....

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

hey man I just wanted to say that I can relate to everything you have said, especially the girl thing (I'm 22). like your post gave me even more goosebumps than i lardy have just reading it thats how similar we are. I'm detoxing on my parents couch, yet again.. and Im going mad. I am currently trying to come up with a plan to rob them and steal the car so i can get some dope. theres $60 in my moms purse right now, should i make a mad dash for it, grab the keys and go? $60 would last me barely a day tho.. so it wouldn't be worth it.

but fuck man how are u doing? have u used at all?

 

[Maya]

Hi finished! it's been a while bud. To be honest with you, I have been experiencing depression as well for the past few days and I know that it is a horrible horrible feeling. I have been doing things, just doing things to not even think about it. If you need someone to chat with you know how to get a hold of me Talk to you soon hun

 

[F1n1shed]

hey man I just wanted to say that I can relate to everything you have said, especially the girl thing (I'm 22). like your post gave me even more goosebumps than i lardy have just reading it thats how similar we are. I'm detoxing on my parents couch, yet again.. and Im going mad. I am currently trying to come up with a plan to rob them and steal the car so i can get some dope. theres $60 in my moms purse right now, should i make a mad dash for it, grab the keys and go? $60 would last me barely a day tho.. so it wouldn't be worth it.

but fuck man how are u doing? have u used at all?

Dude don't do it, when ever i have a dope run and start kicking i snap my self out of it. Like think about it, you steal her money get dope use it then kick even harder. Then your parents are on your case, they may kick you out and you will feel 10x as guilty. DON'T DO IT, i have NOT used dope or crystal since then... i'm weird like that i just told my self i'm done... hopefully for good. I did relapse on xanax the other day, but it was minimal dose.. i wanted to feel calm when i went out.

For me when ever i go on a crystal or heroin run, i will use daily maybe for a few months ... but I can usually snap out of it and stop. I hate being addicted to something and being held down, I love the feeling of using but when it controls me i give it up before i start really fucking things up... just my experience.

 

[F1n1shed]

Hi finished! it's been a while bud. To be honest with you, I have been experiencing depression as well for the past few days and I know that it is a horrible horrible feeling. I have been doing things, just doing things to not even think about it. If you need someone to chat with you know how to get a hold of me Talk to you soon hun

Maya! I changed my number but i think i still have your number. I am doing things too.. even if i have nothing to do i force my self out of the house for fresh air. I use to stay in a lot and that was driving me mad, now i go to meetings... out to eat with friends or what ever! I just had an interview today , went good! Job pays less than my other but i just want to be busy. PM me so we can chat!

 

[herbavore]

Just a reality check from the grandma realm (61 trips around the sun): life is a marathon, not a sprint. Remember to take time each day to just be--no expectations at all. Here is a Kafka quote that I love:

You need not do anything.
Remain sitting at your table and listen.
You need not even listen, just wait.
You need not even wait.
Just become still and silent and solitary
and the world will offer itself to be unmasked.
It has no choice.
It will roll in ecstasy at your feet.
It has no choice.