I finally got around to doing this dreaded paper work today! I spent all morning and all afternoon trippin out on it and actually getting it done. I had to make copies of all my bills, my weekly income check stubs, plus Mom's house payments, utilities, blah blah. Then I had to go about filling these papers out asking about my income and my bills along with a letter to the student loan people why I object to a 15% garnishment of my wages. I was trippin heavily on this crap, as it was the cause of much emotional grief. I kept thinking, "God what if they go through with the garnishment, blah, blah..." and in doing so kept fucking up and making errors on the paper work.
I'll be 10 flavors of fucked if this shit goes through. The paper work was necessary because I requested a hearing in order to stop the garnishment, because without a hearing they would have gotten an order to seriously dent my wages, fuck. Today was the last day I had to get all this crap turned in to be sure that it was postmarked no later than today. I spoke to my sponsor about how I tend to avoid doing things that cause me anxiety. I've been this way my entire life, in fact not so much procrastinating doing shit I'm afraid of, but avoid doing it altogether. By the time 9am this morning rolled around, the anxiety over not doing it became worse than the anxiety of doing it.
The fact that fear has prevented me from doing so much in life is upsetting to me. It is true that, as Mom pointed out to me today that for the most part I HATE change. I mean I will reluctantly do shit if I have to like today, but drag my heels when it comes to shit like looking for another job for better pay. My company does crappy things like pay cuts, no holiday, sick, or vacation pay, and while I would welcome making more money, looking for work is up there on my top 5 things in life that I hate to do the most, therefore I tend to stay in situations longer than I should sometimes. I like the fact that I can get unpaid leave whenever I want so long as I give a couple weeks notice, and I also like the fact that graveyard shift 4 nights a week enable me to sit there and do bills, write letters and get shit done on company time, plus the fact that I pretty much have an easy non stressful job.
Therefore, I'm reluctant to leave a situation that I know for something new. Sigh. Also, I HATE being the fucking new sap starting any new job. I just plain hate it. People and companies are always trying to fix things that don't need fixing to begin with and that's another reason I don't like the prospect of going to work at a different company. The one I work at now pretty much leaves things the way they are, in fact it's probably the last one in this part of the world where they still do hand written patient charting as opposed to everything being done by computer. Sigh. Sooner or later, I'll have to start looking for other work, especially if this fucking garnishment goes through, I'll have to leave my present situation. I did call Human Resources Dept at work to ask for a copy of my old resume, but they weren't in.
Due to my past drug addiction, the current job I'm at is the longest I've ever remained at any one place since 1993 and hell I haven't had to think about the best format to create a new resume, unlike 4+ years ago. So, I hope they will fork up a copy of my old one without giving me any grief. Between having to move constantly 3+ years ago and different computers crashing, my old one was lost. So, today was a busy day today. It felt good to have yesterday off and I was off today, but have to work tonight at 11pm. It's been a week now I think that I've stuck with my completely new healthy eating habits. I look forward to perhaps not feeling tired all the time, given another 6-8 weeks maybe. Between my chronic fatigue, depression, and anxiety, my NA meeting attendence has dropped to no more than one or two meetings a week the past several weeks and I still need to finish writing more letters for my Step work in NA.
I read that there is another Mercury retrograde until the end of this month, so it seems like everything kind of slows down and gets put on hold. Mercury retrograde is supposed to be a time for review, at least according to what I've read. So now I'm trying to chill out and relax. I was looking at my yahoo friend's list and got kind of sad because most of my druggie friends are lost to me. Several of them probably got lost in the drug vortex, maybe never to be heard from again and sadly enough in a way I wish I could talk to this one guy who I think has permanently disappeared, no way to get in touch with, his emails come back saying no such email addy anymore
. It makes me sad because in the past chatting online all spun out, rendered me 90% talk and 10% listen and I regret that now. Being off meth makes me a better listener and not having to feel the need to hold up both ends of the conversation, even though my smack lovin friends nodded out alot. All I can say is that whatever happens I hope things work out for them and me too.
I'll be 10 flavors of fucked if this shit goes through. The paper work was necessary because I requested a hearing in order to stop the garnishment, because without a hearing they would have gotten an order to seriously dent my wages, fuck. Today was the last day I had to get all this crap turned in to be sure that it was postmarked no later than today. I spoke to my sponsor about how I tend to avoid doing things that cause me anxiety. I've been this way my entire life, in fact not so much procrastinating doing shit I'm afraid of, but avoid doing it altogether. By the time 9am this morning rolled around, the anxiety over not doing it became worse than the anxiety of doing it.
The fact that fear has prevented me from doing so much in life is upsetting to me. It is true that, as Mom pointed out to me today that for the most part I HATE change. I mean I will reluctantly do shit if I have to like today, but drag my heels when it comes to shit like looking for another job for better pay. My company does crappy things like pay cuts, no holiday, sick, or vacation pay, and while I would welcome making more money, looking for work is up there on my top 5 things in life that I hate to do the most, therefore I tend to stay in situations longer than I should sometimes. I like the fact that I can get unpaid leave whenever I want so long as I give a couple weeks notice, and I also like the fact that graveyard shift 4 nights a week enable me to sit there and do bills, write letters and get shit done on company time, plus the fact that I pretty much have an easy non stressful job.
Therefore, I'm reluctant to leave a situation that I know for something new. Sigh. Also, I HATE being the fucking new sap starting any new job. I just plain hate it. People and companies are always trying to fix things that don't need fixing to begin with and that's another reason I don't like the prospect of going to work at a different company. The one I work at now pretty much leaves things the way they are, in fact it's probably the last one in this part of the world where they still do hand written patient charting as opposed to everything being done by computer. Sigh. Sooner or later, I'll have to start looking for other work, especially if this fucking garnishment goes through, I'll have to leave my present situation. I did call Human Resources Dept at work to ask for a copy of my old resume, but they weren't in.
Due to my past drug addiction, the current job I'm at is the longest I've ever remained at any one place since 1993 and hell I haven't had to think about the best format to create a new resume, unlike 4+ years ago. So, I hope they will fork up a copy of my old one without giving me any grief. Between having to move constantly 3+ years ago and different computers crashing, my old one was lost. So, today was a busy day today. It felt good to have yesterday off and I was off today, but have to work tonight at 11pm. It's been a week now I think that I've stuck with my completely new healthy eating habits. I look forward to perhaps not feeling tired all the time, given another 6-8 weeks maybe. Between my chronic fatigue, depression, and anxiety, my NA meeting attendence has dropped to no more than one or two meetings a week the past several weeks and I still need to finish writing more letters for my Step work in NA.
I read that there is another Mercury retrograde until the end of this month, so it seems like everything kind of slows down and gets put on hold. Mercury retrograde is supposed to be a time for review, at least according to what I've read. So now I'm trying to chill out and relax. I was looking at my yahoo friend's list and got kind of sad because most of my druggie friends are lost to me. Several of them probably got lost in the drug vortex, maybe never to be heard from again and sadly enough in a way I wish I could talk to this one guy who I think has permanently disappeared, no way to get in touch with, his emails come back saying no such email addy anymore
. It makes me sad because in the past chatting online all spun out, rendered me 90% talk and 10% listen and I regret that now. Being off meth makes me a better listener and not having to feel the need to hold up both ends of the conversation, even though my smack lovin friends nodded out alot. All I can say is that whatever happens I hope things work out for them and me too.