Feeling Lost

dragonix

dragonix

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 24, 2021
Messages
1,337
Who can guide me? The 12 Steps and the Fellowship are the only answer for chemical compulsion problems? Who decides that bro?

Dude I am getting a therapist over these last three days of meetings with my new sponsor I am soon to be long gone from any 12 Step program forever wanna say I won't ever get clean the right way because of dat homeboy?

I be done bloggin until my brain recalibrates more I hope is my plan


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So this guy sponsoring me wants to keep me out late which I know is bad for me I should have done some homework on shopping for a sponsor and how the home group works and asked him what his was first now I am gonna have a very difficult and disheartening talk tomorrow and will go to his home group with money to repay them (six bucks for a Big Book and ten for lunch and another something outta gratitude but I gotta run to a professional or Buddhist master here hate me or doubt me or slander me for it I should not have to view AA as the only solution for "alcoholism") as I cannot remain there in spirit any further
 
dragonix said:
this guy sponsoring me wants to keep me out late
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if it is allowed to comment in blogs....?
what is the reason for these late nights? where does it lead or what is the purpose?
i hope at least a balance is found and one is able to walk upright as designed again.
whatever the goal, it can be realized with focus, diligence and sacrifice/compromise.
will delete this if wanted just know that lost feeling. still not sure where i am but know where i am not.
<3
 
6am-64-14m said:
if it is allowed to comment in blogs....?
what is the reason for these late nights? where does it lead or what is the purpose?
i hope at least a balance is found and one is able to walk upright as designed again.
whatever the goal, it can be realized with focus, diligence and sacrifice/compromise.
will delete this if wanted just know that lost feeling. still not sure where i am but know where i am not.
<3
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His home group meets later than I would have chosen to and now feel pressured in a manner to change things like take on someone else's life values in terms of bedtime and curfew which might not seem like a big deal to you it is making me furious already.
 
I talk too much for someone without much clean time I know that I also know I cannot fully invest psychologically nor spiritually into a 12 Step Fellowship but think the inner work they do on themselves is admirable regardless I do want to grow as a person and develop a spiritual way of life but not like that in those rooms sry y'all.

This shit is very hard.

 
Makes me also think of this song. It isn't that I don't want to help other addicts and alcoholics these meetings are starting to make me feel more hopeless about all this though. Even if some say me being there helps them I get a bad feeling in my gut thinking of getting more involved with them.

I am running back to the SOS meeting to be truthful. I will start helping by giving them my presence for one hour once a week instead of this guy having me out for hours daily brother that isn't what I asked from ya.

 
I told the guy off and said I would return the Big Book to his home group and to call me a liar if I don't.

I said I will pay forward what was given to me there. Thanked him for his generosity.

I have nothing to give really other than showing up to SOS and trying to connect more than I was before with those folks before and after the meeting and saying more during.

He also said the other night he would have me start meditating his way like I wanted to learn that and stop doing it how I was taught because I am actively using still (Clean since Saturday morning) and he isn't what?
 
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dragonix said:
take on someone else's life values
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This seems to me to be a big deal. Been fighting against living someone elses lie/life forever. I certainly get it. Did some stints with NA/AA by court order long ago and did accrue some very valuable gems from the org but ultimately had to move on as more perspectives were need as I got older cause we grow and need other "nutrients" to enable continued health... didn't want to stagnate and become an illness myself.
 
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