feeling lonely

[ecate89]

I'm so happy I found this forum, cause I need someone to talk with, even if virtually.
I'm a 26 years old girl and I'm living a difficult period.
I have been using drugs for about 5 years, but my real problem is only the opiate world.

I used codeine, heroin and kratom. During the last year I was doing better, I used only occasionally.
I was feeling good in general, a part from some boredom and inner unsatisfaction...I didn't use anything for three months,
and the obsession was finally fading. I made efforts to understand myself better and to improve my personality,
I changed my priorities and I got a wedding proposal which made me very happy.

I was preparing to move to a new flat with my boyfriend and was occupied in organising the wedding. It was a happy period.

My evil would visit me rarely and I could easily make it go away.

In july the cops came to visit me at home, telling me to call my mom immediately.
They didn't tell me why, but urged me to do so. She told me my father was in hospital because he had had an accident.
I got straight to the place I used to live, one hour away from where I am, to find lots of people in the house.
My mom told me that my dad had actually died.
I suffered a lot and felt empty. I was so shocked, he was 57 and healthy, and I loved him.

Why the hell had he died? and why when I was about to get married? why do I have to suffer non stop?
It took 2 weeks for me to put myself together a little bit. Then I started craving heroin sooo badly!
The obsession was back, stronger than ever. I could barely focus on anything else, I was nervous and didn't know what to do.

I quickly understood that I couldn'help it and I was going to do something foolish. So I ordered some strong kratom, thinking about HR
and thinking that hopefully that moment wuold pass. It didn't, so I made the tea with a huge amount and almost collapsed.
What a fool! I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Kratom is no big deal, I feel absurd for what I did.

It's been 3 days, now I feel restless and I crave heroin even more.
I am alone cause my boyfriend is abroad, and I don't have non using friends near here.
I really need some support from you, I don't want to mess with my life again but I'm still suffering.
My biggest fear is that I loose my mind again and go grab dope instead, this time. It would be nice to feel good for some time.
Please help me not to do it.

 

[T. Calderone]

I'm sorry about your dad. Maybe it's not a good idea to be alone right now, especially if you're living around drug users. It might be too tempting for you to relapse. Can you stay at your mother's for a while? You could lean on each other for support.

Homeless ------- > The Dark Side

 

[Imtryin]

Hi there ecate
im sorry for your loss-I know you are going through so many different emotions right now and numbing the pain is probably on your mind all the time. I hope you will continue to stay away from what might kill you ( although I'm one to talk), because I know for sure that whatever drug you do is just a bandaid solution and all the pain will still be there after the drugs are gone. One day at a time is the only suggestion I have. I try to not give advice because I'm really not good at it. But I can offer you support and friendship. Please stick around and meet some of these fine folks. There is so much knowledge here, and people that somehow really care about us....I promise you will hear wonderful words of wisdom from different people here that will give you hope.....

 

[nintey]

I am sorry. I know how you feel and I know you think heroin will make you feel better but it wont. You will just get high and feel depressed and miss your dad still. You just need to grieve about this and got through the process. I know this is hard but you shouldn't make it harder for yourself

 

[ecate89]

I'm sorry about your dad. Maybe it's not a good idea to be alone right now, especially if you're living around drug users. It might be too tempting for you to relapse. Can you stay at your mother's for a while? You could lean on each other for support.

Homeless ------- > The Dark Side

I was hoping not to see any of my threads here ever, but that's where it actually belongs.

Thanks for your empathy, I stayed at my mother's for the first 10 days, then I came back cause I'm moving to another flat.
I needed to move things away, do the cleaning and everything, cause other people are coming to live here tomorrow.
Both my mom and my parents in law (to be) came several times to help me out and were very kind to me.
I owe them a lot!

I'm not surrounded by drug users, I only have one friend near here and he is using heroin.
It's not my hometown and I don't know a lot of people here.

 

[ecate89]

Hi there ecate
im sorry for your loss-I know you are going through so many different emotions right now and numbing the pain is probably on your mind all the time. I hope you will continue to stay away from what might kill you ( although I'm one to talk), because I know for sure that whatever drug you do is just a bandaid solution and all the pain will still be there after the drugs are gone. One day at a time is the only suggestion I have. I try to not give advice because I'm really not good at it. But I can offer you support and friendship. Please stick around and meet some of these fine folks. There is so much knowledge here, and people that somehow really care about us....I promise you will hear wonderful words of wisdom from different people here that will give you hope.....

Hi, it's good to know that you can truly understand me right now. It makes me feel less lonely.

Numbing the pain is not my main thought actually. I just feel bad and nervous in general, it's something unconscious most of the time.
I know that is both for my sorrow and for the craving, sometimes I think about one, sometimes about the other, but I always know they're both in my mind.
I don't know if I explained this clearly, it's not simple to describe.

Don't worry about you giving advice, I think it's a good thing.
In my opinion, giving advice to other people is way easier than solving our own situations, because we have an external point of view, while we are too involved in our lives to have a clear view of it.

I think you're completely right, I agree with everything you wrote.
The problem is, this is my logical mind, but what about the "other part"?
well, regarding that one, it didn't catch anything you wrote. It doesn't give a shit about what happens after...just the moment matters, feeling the sensation it's seeking.
That's what has always scared me the most, and still does.

I really appreciate your support and friendship, as I wrote on your topic I think you are a strong woman.
Ah, at the moment I don't work either...unemployment in Italy really sucks.

Thank you again, I hope I'll find other kind people like you.

 

[ecate89]

I am sorry. I know how you feel and I know you think heroin will make you feel better but it wont. You will just get high and feel depressed and miss your dad still. You just need to grieve about this and got through the process. I know this is hard but you shouldn't make it harder for yourself

Thank you for yor empathy!
How come one gets high on H and still feel depressed? It never happened to me, even if I was very sad it always dashed ANY bad feeling away....at least the first days of use.
This is too strong to be numbed, isn't it...?

Sorry if my English isn't perfect, they don't care about teaching it properly here in Italy.

 

[Imtryin]

Hello ecate!
i know it's off topic, but I wanted to say how great it is that you are from Italy!
i live in Canada and I've never been to Italy, although I have always wanted to
you mentioned that you don't have non-using friends, do you have siblings that you are close to?
is your wedding soon?
you are in my thoughts, I hope your day is better

 

[ThatOneDude!]

Thank you for yor empathy!
How come one gets high on H and still feel depressed? It never happened to me, even if I was very sad it always dashed ANY bad feeling away....at least the first days of use.
This is too strong to be numbed, isn't it...?

Sorry if my English isn't perfect, they don't care about teaching it properly here in Italy.

well... You might find a drug out there that would temporarily make you not feel anything, or feel less, but once that drug wears off (that was the best it will do on first time anyways) then the comedown will be WAY worse than you were before you did it. and every next time will be like a constant degradation of effects, only to drop you off feeling SO much worse! SO if you want to feel better, DONT do any drugs.

Its sad because i've been there, where i could get high and get away from this pain, but time and time again i've learned, and tell myself now, that the only motive i should acknowledge in getting high, is one that is for fun, for the moment, to amp up (the party for example) or something like in terms of a bonus, or extra, and should dfinitly be for those occasions, then as long as i am smart in where and how i go about doing what, then i believe (for me) that is a good approach.

Once my motive for drug use is towards escaping, avoiding, aiding, or medicating (mentally/psychologically), then those are bad/unwanted times to do drugs, for unwanted outcomes. because the drug is temporary and it never deals with the problem, it only postpones it, and if you postpone a river, it will back up, like a dam, and once that drug is gone, the dam is gone, and a MUCH bigger amount will come at you. these waves/rushes are like a polar opposite of the amazing rush you get from being high on something, its devastating! (or can be at least!)

In your case, i STRONGLY suggest you dont do anything. worst case scenario, if you just cant take it and think you just need something to cope, ......well honestly i will only speak on what works for me lol. i dont want to suggest something that doesnt work for you lol.

What i would do: (lol)
is if i was having massive cravings, i would tell myself i will get it later, so not to worry, its coming in time. somehow that relieves my cravings as the not having it, changes to more of a be patient its on its way, (weather its tomorrow or later that day or in a week or month) Key is, i never get it! So the thing is like a mind trick, with the thought that i am no longer resisting the craving but satisfying the mind's idea of not having to about to have, helps me alleviate the tension of the craving. and i discipline myself to not think about it, and of all things not take action on getting any but just Plan to do so.

The next big thing after attempting to ease my cravings, would be to hang out with someone. ANYONE! We are a collective species! We are meant to be together! Sometimes i would end up talking to some homeless guy i found down the road, or walk into a cafe, in which case i wouldn't even need to talk to someone, i'd just be in the moment, listening to the ambiance or noticing my surroundings. In your case, it sounds like something of that intensity is best handled with a companion. like even a pet, or dog, but a friend or family member you spend the day with. or make plans with people.

I find Keeping my head above water so i dont drown helps me to keep swiming for longer!! in the sense you dont want to find yourself doing nothing drowning in your own pool of sorrow. but staying active in your days and being with people, so to help the energy transfer and flow thru, so that when it comes time, and you begin to automatically grieve again. you would hopefully not be alone, and can embrace it better. I would notice i am seemingly always in a state of pain and by myself doing nothing, but suffering massively. and not until i was suffering over smaller things did i begin to notice that its like a scale, all the weight is on the side of grief, in a painful level. so the energy is (i suppose) flowing through some resistance and not moving at ease. kind of like looping or being trapped. like i am sitting in my room doing nothing buy crying and as a metaphor i am catching all the water that comes out of a faucet in my cup and holding onto it, so that i can suffer in this water as long as i wanted. whereas i could be under the faucet and like a shower, let it flow over and thru, and even tho it keeps coming, eventually the shower is over and the water is done.

So with the scale, to remove the resistance, and not trap the water but allow it to pass, i find the thing thats out of balance is my lifestyle changed, and im over introverted. my energy is circling within me and not leaving. just swelling up until it seeps out for as long as i want to sit with it. (sometimes i feel i just need to do so, and grieve for long periods to get through more of it quicker. but its a natural thing, it will happen automatically.)
So getting out, BEING WITH OTHER PEOPLE!!! Is by far the biggest thing for me, weather i am helping them or they are helping me. the energetic support cannot be overstated. The scale will balance, and the flow of energy will not only be without any resistance, but flow with greater ease, it the tension would then be less! Despite its hard to tell when the pain and grief are thru the roof!

I realize that i wrote more than i intended, and probably might not be written as clear as i intended either lol. i'll probably need to edit it a bit. I'm tweakin right now lol. i've got myself an interesting predicament of addiction to deal with. Another reason to not attempt to go for the Heroin, I've noticed doing it to remedy reasons than to amp up reasons, leads to sometimes stronger/unpredicted habitual tendencies, and stronger/deeper addiction. and well i've seen people practically die in withdrawals so you dont want to add withdrawals right now do you? lol tell yourself that if your not feeling good, you'll have instant withdrawals on comedown if you do any! lol, make up some reason that helps you believe it more to reinforce your intentions placebo style.

Anyways. I hope you get through this with as much support as you need. Best of wishes! and i hope you got a few ideas on what might work best for you in dealin everything. Take care!

 

[herbavore]

ecate, I lost my youngest son a little over four years ago and grief is something that I have become very intimate with. Here is what I have learned about grief:

1) the strength of your grief is proportional to the strength of the love between you and the person that has died. Though this does not give you any comfort whatsoever it does connect you in a very real way to a basic truth of being human: the bonds we make are very real. Knowing that your love will go on, in fact will continue to grow, even though the person you love is no longer physically existing puts you in touch with the spiritual side of being.

2) It never works to run away from the painful feelings. It is tempting to want to avoid pain, or at least to numb or mask it. But allowing yourself to go through each layer and stage of your grief is a process that not only will help you to heal from your loss but will make you a stronger and more resilient person. Sometimes the layers loop back and repeat, sometimes even letting go of a particular stage of grief can be hard. I remember when I would expect to see my son everywhere and it hurt terribly. But when time passed and I no longer expected to see him riding his bike into the front garden, it was even more painful. I try to let each phase of this ache unfold in its own time.

3) Listen to yourself and your own needs. Sometimes I needed to be around people and other times it was claustrophobic. There is no one way to grieve nor is there any predictable pattern. I went through the strongest grief about my Dad's death two years after he had passed away.

One thing that I will say from your post is that your father was a very lucky man. Yes, he died tragically and far too soon, but he had what many parents do not--the strong love of his child. If my life had ended soon after having my sons I would still have felt like the luckiest woman on earth to have known that kind of love. Remember one thing now: the only thing a parent truly wants for their child is for that child to be happy and content. Honor your father, and the love you two shared, by creating a life for yourself that brings you contentment.

 

[ecate89]

Hello ecate!
i know it's off topic, but I wanted to say how great it is that you are from Italy!
i live in Canada and I've never been to Italy, although I have always wanted to
you mentioned that you don't have non-using friends, do you have siblings that you are close to?
is your wedding soon?
you are in my thoughts, I hope your day is better

hello...it's a wonderful country indeed, if you come as a tourist. Lots of interesting towns, art, good food...
I have a younger brother, he's 21. We are close but can't see each other very much...
my wedding will be at the end of September.

I think about you too, I hope you're doing good.

 

[ecate89]

well... You might find a drug out there that would temporarily make you not feel anything, or feel less, but once that drug wears off (that was the best it will do on first time anyways) then the comedown will be WAY worse than you were before you did it. and every next time will be like a constant degradation of effects, only to drop you off feeling SO much worse! SO if you want to feel better, DONT do any drugs.

Its sad because i've been there, where i could get high and get away from this pain, but time and time again i've learned, and tell myself now, that the only motive i should acknowledge in getting high, is one that is for fun, for the moment, to amp up (the party for example) or something like in terms of a bonus, or extra, and should dfinitly be for those occasions, then as long as i am smart in where and how i go about doing what, then i believe (for me) that is a good approach.

Once my motive for drug use is towards escaping, avoiding, aiding, or medicating (mentally/psychologically), then those are bad/unwanted times to do drugs, for unwanted outcomes. because the drug is temporary and it never deals with the problem, it only postpones it, and if you postpone a river, it will back up, like a dam, and once that drug is gone, the dam is gone, and a MUCH bigger amount will come at you. these waves/rushes are like a polar opposite of the amazing rush you get from being high on something, its devastating! (or can be at least!)

In your case, i STRONGLY suggest you dont do anything. worst case scenario, if you just cant take it and think you just need something to cope, ......well honestly i will only speak on what works for me lol. i dont want to suggest something that doesnt work for you lol.

What i would do: (lol)
is if i was having massive cravings, i would tell myself i will get it later, so not to worry, its coming in time. somehow that relieves my cravings as the not having it, changes to more of a be patient its on its way, (weather its tomorrow or later that day or in a week or month) Key is, i never get it! So the thing is like a mind trick, with the thought that i am no longer resisting the craving but satisfying the mind's idea of not having to about to have, helps me alleviate the tension of the craving. and i discipline myself to not think about it, and of all things not take action on getting any but just Plan to do so.

The next big thing after attempting to ease my cravings, would be to hang out with someone. ANYONE! We are a collective species! We are meant to be together! Sometimes i would end up talking to some homeless guy i found down the road, or walk into a cafe, in which case i wouldn't even need to talk to someone, i'd just be in the moment, listening to the ambiance or noticing my surroundings. In your case, it sounds like something of that intensity is best handled with a companion. like even a pet, or dog, but a friend or family member you spend the day with. or make plans with people.

I find Keeping my head above water so i dont drown helps me to keep swiming for longer!! in the sense you dont want to find yourself doing nothing drowning in your own pool of sorrow. but staying active in your days and being with people, so to help the energy transfer and flow thru, so that when it comes time, and you begin to automatically grieve again. you would hopefully not be alone, and can embrace it better. I would notice i am seemingly always in a state of pain and by myself doing nothing, but suffering massively. and not until i was suffering over smaller things did i begin to notice that its like a scale, all the weight is on the side of grief, in a painful level. so the energy is (i suppose) flowing through some resistance and not moving at ease. kind of like looping or being trapped. like i am sitting in my room doing nothing buy crying and as a metaphor i am catching all the water that comes out of a faucet in my cup and holding onto it, so that i can suffer in this water as long as i wanted. whereas i could be under the faucet and like a shower, let it flow over and thru, and even tho it keeps coming, eventually the shower is over and the water is done.

So with the scale, to remove the resistance, and not trap the water but allow it to pass, i find the thing thats out of balance is my lifestyle changed, and im over introverted. my energy is circling within me and not leaving. just swelling up until it seeps out for as long as i want to sit with it. (sometimes i feel i just need to do so, and grieve for long periods to get through more of it quicker. but its a natural thing, it will happen automatically.)
So getting out, BEING WITH OTHER PEOPLE!!! Is by far the biggest thing for me, weather i am helping them or they are helping me. the energetic support cannot be overstated. The scale will balance, and the flow of energy will not only be without any resistance, but flow with greater ease, it the tension would then be less! Despite its hard to tell when the pain and grief are thru the roof!

I realize that i wrote more than i intended, and probably might not be written as clear as i intended either lol. i'll probably need to edit it a bit. I'm tweakin right now lol. i've got myself an interesting predicament of addiction to deal with. Another reason to not attempt to go for the Heroin, I've noticed doing it to remedy reasons than to amp up reasons, leads to sometimes stronger/unpredicted habitual tendencies, and stronger/deeper addiction. and well i've seen people practically die in withdrawals so you dont want to add withdrawals right now do you? lol tell yourself that if your not feeling good, you'll have instant withdrawals on comedown if you do any! lol, make up some reason that helps you believe it more to reinforce your intentions placebo style.

Anyways. I hope you get through this with as much support as you need. Best of wishes! and i hope you got a few ideas on what might work best for you in dealin everything. Take care!

I'll try to set my mind the way you suggested, it looks like a smart idea.
I'd like to be surrounded by people continually, but it's not possible...I try to find company each time I can, anyway.
I'm sorry for your addiction, doesn't your usual method (postponing) aid with it?

 

[ecate89]

ecate, I lost my youngest son a little over four years ago and grief is something that I have become very intimate with. Here is what I have learned about grief:

1) the strength of your grief is proportional to the strength of the love between you and the person that has died. Though this does not give you any comfort whatsoever it does connect you in a very real way to a basic truth of being human: the bonds we make are very real. Knowing that your love will go on, in fact will continue to grow, even though the person you love is no longer physically existing puts you in touch with the spiritual side of being.

2) It never works to run away from the painful feelings. It is tempting to want to avoid pain, or at least to numb or mask it. But allowing yourself to go through each layer and stage of your grief is a process that not only will help you to heal from your loss but will make you a stronger and more resilient person. Sometimes the layers loop back and repeat, sometimes even letting go of a particular stage of grief can be hard. I remember when I would expect to see my son everywhere and it hurt terribly. But when time passed and I no longer expected to see him riding his bike into the front garden, it was even more painful. I try to let each phase of this ache unfold in its own time.

3) Listen to yourself and your own needs. Sometimes I needed to be around people and other times it was claustrophobic. There is no one way to grieve nor is there any predictable pattern. I went through the strongest grief about my Dad's death two years after he had passed away.

One thing that I will say from your post is that your father was a very lucky man. Yes, he died tragically and far too soon, but he had what many parents do not--the strong love of his child. If my life had ended soon after having my sons I would still have felt like the luckiest woman on earth to have known that kind of love. Remember one thing now: the only thing a parent truly wants for their child is for that child to be happy and content. Honor your father, and the love you two shared, by creating a life for yourself that brings you contentment.

 

[ecate89]

What happened? I restored the page after copying my post, I pasted and this is the result.

 

[LyraLane]

Hi ecate,

So many of your thoughts and feelings sound so familiar. IME, it doesn't matter how many times an outsider tells you not to use and explains all the reasons you shouldn't, but your subconscious seems so strong. When I was coming off of H, I was living with my fiance who used as much if not more than I did and all our friends were "worse" than we were. It gets lonely. Throw in some shit NO ONE can handle well and it takes some major willpower to stay on track.

Here are some things that helped me. Do with them what you will but know that regardless, people love you and you're worth it.

* Journaling: this was HUGE for me when coming off H. For me, writing in a journal helped me to keep check on my conscious vs subconscious thoughts. I once spent a week in an inpatient mental health institute when my depression got really bad after I had been off heroin for a few months. The most important thing I learned there? I can control my thoughts. It's so hard most of the time though I ALWAYS hated this shit, but in retrospect, it helped 100% of the time: write a gratitude list.

* Narcotics Anonymous: going to NA was so hard for me. I wasn't an addict, I just liked to use. Right? Plus, new people and new places really aren't my thing. It's not something ANY of us like, especially during times like this where (no offense) were in the middle of our personal pity party and don't WANT to be better deep down. Regardless, I drug myself to a meeting out of the blue one day and the love I received was so incredible that it was like NA became my replacement addiction. For an hour a day, I got to get high off these other people, their "experience, strength, and hope." If you're interested in trying, this website should help you find a local meeting.

* Recovery Social Networking: before, during, and after my 18-ish months in recovery, I kept contacts online when I didn't feel strong enough to go to meetings, to call myself an addict, to commit to recovery, etc. I used In The Rooms a lot but there are tons of resources to fit your personality and needs, even if you can't commit to something that may seem so extreme.

Stay strong. Things always, always, ALWAYS get better

 

[ThatOneDude!]

I'll try to set my mind the way you suggested, it looks like a smart idea.
I'd like to be surrounded by people continually, but it's not possible...I try to find company each time I can, anyway.
I'm sorry for your addiction, doesn't your usual method (postponing) aid with it?

Yah, when i end up alone when i feel i need to be with people, i would probably do something like writing or drawing, or creating something. or projecting my inner thoughts or feelings outwards in a constructive way. Usually if i were to try to watch a movie for example, i'd start to not pay attention and space the movie and fall into whatever i didnt want to spend more time dwelling on. or getting online, and like playing onine games where you can talk to people, like mmo's or IM, or stuff like that might help... idk.

but yah i suppose my method would work, but i think im mind fuked enough to not only feel addicted, but i also love meth, i'm obsessed with it. and i get some really potent stuff from a chef, so being this bad ass pure shit, that i am obsessed with, and its like i just love it, its a really bad combo, like a lethal one-two punch! i dont even understand why i havent made myself stop yet.... not to mention, its like i just wont sleep and can stay high for SUCH long periods of time. I know its bad. but i dont realize how much of a puppet i've become to this stuff. i feel as tho its just pullin all my strings, almost as if i am at its mercy. like its successfully changed my mind so that i wouldnt even try to resist. almost like if you dont have a fence and your dog keeps running off, you change his mind to want to stay at the house more than anything (or for another example be afraid to leave the house) but the fact his mind is deceptively changed, i dont even have to try to keep him here, because he wants to stay. the same way i want to keep doing meth!!! lolol i cant even believe i just said that and dont deny it, but like seriously, i know i need to stop. its just bizarre! its a total mind fuk for sure! not to mention i actually am addicted as well....

 

[Ash_the_addict]

I have a very similar story.. Cept for the fact that I went down the dark opiate pill/heroin path. Recently ivd for the first time. Watched myself do it in the mirror and was disgusted and now my boyfriend and I are on a weird rocky path to recovery. Idk how to post To here on my own, so sorry for taking over your post, I too am lonely and in need of advice or some optimism.. Tapering has never worked in the past but I am so over this drug I just want the sickness to come. And I went to work suuuper sick Saturday, a girl there gave me a 2mg piece of a sub. After an hr it made me feel so much better. Not 100%, but better than how I felt which was like death. I'm a waitress, and there's multiple levels and stairs at my job and I just couldn't take it, I almost walked out. Thank goodness for that pc of sub. I can't loose my job to this addiction too. Anywya, that was Saturday, Sunday We. decided was gonna be our last "hoorah" that We were getting clean, after one final score. Well that final wasnt that fun, didn't get a head change just wasted the last of our money... So now instead of having any subs, I'm just gonna have to cold turkey the rest of it. It's weird though, because Saturday before I took the suv I was at hour 40... Took the 2mg sub, then waited 16hrs Til Sunday afternoon to use H, (about .2 twice) so that was 4pm yesterday, and I usually wake up feeling suuuper rough and craving things and going through wds. But I'm not today. I have a wave of relief over me like I can really kick this. Do you think I'm not going to have withdrawals this time? That I tricked my body?