Feeling like everything I do is a mistake.

[Flynnal]

Well, long story short, I'm feeling low and yet wired. Like a dysphoric near-mania.

It seems like everything I do turns against me. I successfully came off the mirtazapine in February of this year. Took agomelatin for 1 week which reset my sleep back to "half" normal.

I had been doing a bit of research and wanted to get into microscopy. Well, I originally bought a couple of USB scopes, turns out they had terrible picture quality so I felt no point in using them and returned them. Then another, much bigger mistake, was buying a used scope overseas through eBay, it was a Zeiss which are supposed to be good. It turned out there was a problem with one of the eyetubes, and one other part. I had to send it back, which I did and followed instructions. Now I am waiting for the refund which they promised, but which I can't take their word on since I can't trust any one anymore. Supposedly there was a sudden change of policy between October and November that I was not aware of. I sent it back and the seller now has the scope...but where's my money? Still in limbo and freaking out about the possibility of the seller spinning some bullshit story about me. It cost me a fortune to send the scope back, like $200. Well, it was a $2000 scope, so yeah it was worth it to send it back...but then what happens if they decide to fuck me over? I know eBay are pretty good, but I still doubt their promises, as I have serious trust issues.

All of this, of course, started when I was molested at the age of 9 under the threat of having my face whipped with a 4WD antenna, parents divorcing later that same year. Then my mother killing herself when I was only 12. It all started around there. But my life has been one long and drawn out slow burning misery that only seems to have the occasional pleasure. About the only thing I get any enjoyment out of is sex, and that's about it.

I need to take some sort of medication, since I am having a hard time functioning normally. I can still socialise but only on a certain level, as I am under constant stress from fear of losing things - money, family respect, etc. Earlier this year I spoke my mind on the circumcision issue and later got threats on email, and later got a suspicious letter in the mail during May telling me that I should go and kill myself because I was, in his words, a never-winner nutter-loser who wanted to make everyone else look like the idiot, even though the real idiot was him. I was considering reporting to police because this sort of thing is serious. But then figured that I might find myself in even more trouble, so forgot about it. I thought I was being targeted, I decided to pretend nothing happened and laid low. Back in 2002 I got a death threat after complaining about a python I received from a snake breeder, and I had escalated the situation...I learned from that not to escalate, but to cop it sweet. In this recent case I offended a Jew...but that's not my fault, and I had no intention of offending anyone, just airing my views.

But it seems like everything I do is a mistake. Like every step is just causing myself more anxiety, more distress, and ruining my sleep.

What can I do? I feel like I am going crazy. But I vow I will never do any self-harm.

 

[herbavore]

It seems like you have strong opinions and like to express them which is great but it always opens you up to others doing the same. In the case of death threats though that is obviously not an opinion but abuse and should certainly be reported. A long time ago I read a book called the Four Agreements. One ogf the agreements with life was to not take anything personally. the more you delve into that concept the freer you become. Even meanness and hatred directed at you is rarely personal--it is someone's problem that you are conveniently in the path of.

I can understand how the abuse (and certainly your mother's suicide) you suffered as a child colors your psyche in the present but there are things that you can do to mitigate the hold of the past on your life now. Have you ever tried any kind of really deep work around these sources of pain? I don't mean talk therapy with a barely trained counselor. Either one of those experiences in childhood leaves horrendous scars and open wounds but suffering both is truly a lot for anyone to bear. I know you may not feel strong but you obviously are.

Lots of people that were molested as children find sex pleasurable but intimacy almost impossible because of the huge damage done to their sense of trust. Intimacy is as necessary as food and water and sleep. Healing from whatever life has thrown at us that prevents us from giving and receiving intimacy is a lifelong process IMO--we all have to deal with it on some level.

It seems that you have a lot of big and small things flowing together in your mind to create the self-perception you have right now that everything you do is a mistake. I think working on the bigger and deeper issues that affect how you see yourself will put a lot of the small stuff back in perspective. To me, it sounds like you are a very successful survivor.