Feeling hopeless

[chief ten beers]

As I struggle with my Oxy addiction I find myself more depressed and hopeless than I've ever been in my life. I'm now 49 and have always have had an addictive personality and have always had a drug of choice. Oxy is the only thing I've found myself physically addicted to and I'm scared. I'm currently back in the hometown I grew up in but everybody is gone, all my family and most of my friends. I came back for a temporary work offer and started doing Oxy and got into a pink cloud and decided to stay on, bad mistake. I'm more isolated depressed and hopeless than I've ever been. I always end up coming back here, I'm always trying to go home again....and it's so damn sad that "home" isn't here anymore. My parents are dead, my family is in other states, and my Friends are gone too. I came back to my job which I've only stayed this long at was because of the Oxy supply, quite pathetic. I've got to gain some strength to get out of this predicament but I feel weaker than I've ever been...I've lost heart and lost hope. I feel like I failed in life, all the good things that I've had are in the past and I pretty much took them for granted. Now I have no one and I'm just plagued with regret. I call myself a fool daily, I really blew it. I thought about offing myself to put an end to this suffering but I'm scared to do that too. I just don't see a happy ending, i was given so many chances in life and I blew it. The one woman who really loved me gave me so many chances and now there are no more chances. I fucked up bad and I don't really know how to deal with this situation. Maybe I'll go to treatment but even if I do I'll still have my broken life to go back to when I get out. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Mafioso]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like a hard place to be and I can understand why you might have held onto your addiction as a way to cope with your emotions and situations. Although going to treatment wont solve a lot of problems, it will help you find solutions for your addiction and help you get into better shape. A lot of the problems you may be facing will likely be easier to cope and manage if you are sober and aren't actively dealing with the highs and lows of opiate dependency. You will at least have a more level head about how to approach things.

It really sounds like you could greatly benefit from support whether from a alcohol and drug counselor or from NA/AA meetings. Just being able to talk about your situation and knowing that there are many with very similar struggles can help with the self esteem. It's easy to beat yourself up when using but truth be told it doesn't do us any good. You may have to succumbed to foolish behavior, but I doubt you are really a fool or else you probably wouldn't know what your doing is a mistake. Opiates high jack the reward center in the brain and as the disease progresses the cravings become stronger and more out of control. People will start doing things way out of character just to get high. The brain starts craving opiates as it would food or sex. The crazy part is that the more you use, the stronger these cravings will get and the harder it will be to deny them.

Before I went into treatment I thought it would be impossible to let go of a lot of things that were bugging me in life and to pick up new habits. Being at an in-patient facility really helped me let go of things and to embrace change. If it's at all possible I would suggest going to treatment, at the very least start going to meetings so you can be around others with similar struggles but also a common goal of getting clean. We are social beings, there is something uplifting about being around others with common goals and struggles.

 

[chief ten beers]

Thanks for your reply, I'm going to attempt to taper out of this thing. I know rehab probably would do me some good, but I'd still have a broken life to come back to. Many still have people in their life to support them when they get out...I really no longer do. I'm determined to put this shit behind me though and not look back. If it gets to be beyond my power I will admit myself, I think I'm going to give it a few days. This is some scary shit to go through that's for sure. I also have friend who went through the same thing who I'm going to see today for some support.

 

[Kittycat5]

Chief, do whatever you need to do to solve this. Im ten years younger and my story is just, if not moreso, tragic with all the same themes. But I decided 10 days ago enough is enough and am trying to put the demonlove of opiate use behind me. Im weak as shit but took action. Sometimes its that first step.

 

[Mafioso]

Just keep in mind that you will be better prepared to repair your life when you are clean.. it's much easier to cause more damage or ignore the problems and let them pile up when using.

A good counselor can help give you some perspective on life and likely help you work through a lot of the problems you are facing, you don't necessarily need to go to an inpatient, intensive out patient or even just seeing a drug and alcohol counselor once or twice a week would probably help.

Either way, congratulations on making the decision to work on yourself. I hope you stick with it.