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Mental Health feeling hopeless

butcher22

butcher22

Bluelighter
Joined
May 12, 2014
Messages
159
Location
in a stupor
I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I have been struggling with mental illness my whole life. I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder, PTSD, GAD, agoraphobia and social anxiety. Every doctor I have seen has agreed with the bipolar diagnosis and I honestly don't know how because I never have highs, only some decent days with lots of lows. I have been on just about every medication imaginable and nothing helps and many of them make me way worse. I don't want to ever be on any meds again, they just fuck me up so bad. Right now I take phenibut and that stops me from having some stupid ass panic attack every time I have some strange sensation somewhere in my body but it doesn't do a whole lot for my social anxiety or agoraphobia. I don't often get crippling depression anymore where I want to cry and shit, I just constantly feel bad. Just general dread and lack of interest in everything. I somehow have a hot girlfriend and talking to her is a struggle lately because I have to force myself to think of things to say. Sex is really just a chore and I rarely get 100% hard, just rubbery enough to put in some work which I really only do for her. Therapy doesn't do shit for me and like I said I am done with prescription meds so I don't know what else to do. Everything seems so god damn pointless. For example I built a really nice knife, really quality craftsmanship that I put a lot of work and attention to detail into and after I finished it I admired it for a few minutes and then set it down and thought to myself "what was the point? It's fucking stupid. How is that going to benefit me in any way?" when I go on nature hikes which I used to love I don't even take time to look around and enjoy it anymore. I just push myself through it and go home. Suicide sounds more and more appealing all the time and I have a large gun collection and it is starting to feel frighteningly easy for me to do.
I don't know what I expect you to tell me other than to seek therapy and medication.
 
for me a large dose of gabapentin makes me feel the closest to my old self as i've been in years
 
I know this may sound stupid, but eat well and excercise. I tell you, this is the "magic" pill.
A couple of years back i had anxiety issues and low self-esteem. A good friend of mine took me under his wing, made food plans, working out together and spend loads of time together.
2½ years later, i'm proud of my body, no issues with the ladies. But the most important, i'm high on life. :)
 
Since I don't know you at all, I can't give you any type of advice, because I have no clue how you live your everyday life. but as you manage to post in this forum, I can assume you have spare time, so you don't work "all the time". I even tend to assume you don't have any regular job or important activities outside of your housy, because of the mental disorders that includes social anxiety disorder.

Your posting appeals to me like you are a person who is not in peace with himself. You don't like yourself, you have a low self-esteem. You do things that matter to you, but then you negotiate all your progress by questioning everything, you're lacking a consistent self-image (identity). most so called mental issues like depression and social anxiety are about identity-problems.

I don't know, why or how you have lived since your childhood until today, but you have to face the truth. You seem to be restless, and a good gun collection with your current pattern of thought is no good.

I can only adise you to seek help by professionals. this mustn't contain any medication at all.

Personally, I take Mirtazapin, but only when I get too restless. I made rather promising steps forward with some Ketamin experiments lately. It helped me to ground myself and get a new perspective on my issues.

And most important: you must not feel hopeless, because there is always hope, then there is always a way to get to work on your problems. You have to take babysteps, don't expect a wonderpill or magic spell to cure you from your problems, it doesn't work that way, your problems are there fore a reason.
 
I would encourage you to find ways to look beyond day-to-day living. Hopelessness seems to be the result of a disconnection from a life of meaning. How do you find meaning in a life that dulls or squashes all authentic emotions? Emotional connection to life itself--not our relationships, not our work, not the brief thrills of whatever hedonistic pleasures we seek--but the whole web of life that we are a part of--that is where comfort and meaning are found. Psychedelics can often provide this portal when taken in a guided setting with a therapist trained in this kind of work.

Depression is such a thorough destroyer. I remember once feeling like you described being in nature. Nature has always been a healer for me, too, but in the depths of a strong depression, that same healing force seemed as empty and unreal as a stage set. For me the depression was related to a life event but it gave me great empathy for those who suffer chronic depression. The tease of life existing beyond your grasp can make death look desirable. But consider that death is a mystery and therefore makes no real sense as an antidote to anything other than physical suffering.

I think that when a person's pain reaches such a deep and consistent level that death begins to look preferable that it is good to remember that we can and should try radical acts of change. We convince ourselves that because of our obligations and responsibilities we are stuck in a life lacking in imagination. Most people that suffer this way are highly sensitive and the world as it is presented is hard on sensitive souls. Finding a way to live in harmony with one's own nature is a journey. We are duped into thinking it is simply a matter of finding the right person to love or the right medication or the right career and that leads to a lot of unnecessary spinning in place.

I hope that you can find your way. You sound like a kind person that gives to others. I hope that you can rekindle a spark of energy that can guide you to giving compassion to yourself.<3
 
Just try to get out as much as you can. I would go out for a walk, end up buying a few things and then end up looking for an occasion or place to wear them. Just a thought... If you go to new places it can really break the monotony.
 
herbavore said:
I would encourage you to find ways to look beyond day-to-day living. Hopelessness seems to be the result of a disconnection from a life of meaning. How do you find meaning in a life that dulls or squashes all authentic emotions? Emotional connection to life itself--not our relationships, not our work, not the brief thrills of whatever hedonistic pleasures we seek--but the whole web of life that we are a part of--that is where comfort and meaning are found. Psychedelics can often provide this portal when taken in a guided setting with a therapist trained in this kind of work.

Depression is such a thorough destroyer. I remember once feeling like you described being in nature. Nature has always been a healer for me, too, but in the depths of a strong depression, that same healing force seemed as empty and unreal as a stage set. For me the depression was related to a life event but it gave me great empathy for those who suffer chronic depression. The tease of life existing beyond your grasp can make death look desirable. But consider that death is a mystery and therefore makes no real sense as an antidote to anything other than physical suffering.

I think that when a person's pain reaches such a deep and consistent level that death begins to look preferable that it is good to remember that we can and should try radical acts of change. We convince ourselves that because of our obligations and responsibilities we are stuck in a life lacking in imagination. Most people that suffer this way are highly sensitive and the world as it is presented is hard on sensitive souls. Finding a way to live in harmony with one's own nature is a journey. We are duped into thinking it is simply a matter of finding the right person to love or the right medication or the right career and that leads to a lot of unnecessary spinning in place.

I hope that you can find your way. You sound like a kind person that gives to others. I hope that you can rekindle a spark of energy that can guide you to giving compassion to yourself.
Click to expand...
 
Just wanted to let you know that I took your advice to heart. As simple as it sounds it seems like it could help. This morning all I wanted to do was sit my lazy ass in my recliner and stare at the wall so I made myself get dressed and go on a nature walk but this time I didn't let myself rush through it. I took plenty of time venturing off the trail and exploring new spots and it became enjoyable. I shot two grey squirrels and brought them home and cleaned them to cook tonight and I found a kickass camelbak hydration system just sitting on the trail and I took it home and cleaned it up.
Something so simple completely turned my day around and I have energy and feel pretty damn good at the moment. Next time everything seems hopeless and I don't feel like moving I am going to try to make myself go do something. Thank you.
 
you can do it man. just like your trip along the nature trail, take your time. this isn't a quick fix, but you can fix it. merry xmas.
 
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