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Feeling hopeless and helpless

C

Caroliina

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 14, 2016
Messages
50
:(

Where do I start? I'm an addict. Everyday, I need some sort of substance to function, it's kind of like an obsession. I think it's partially all in my head. I'm not addicted to street drugs, I'm addicted to pharmaceuticals. I've long struggled with anxiety and depression. For obvious reasons, the medicine masks the pain. Over the years, the number of pills I've taken have progressed. I've also added kratom. My drugs are fiornal, vyvanse, klonopin, Xanax, oxycodone and kratom. I don't just take therapeutic doses, I take enough to feel high. I don't like it, I don't like the person I am. I've been on Bluelight before and have sucessfully quit most of these, however, oral surgery led me back to trouble. I know I'm doing harm to my body. I know this isn't good for me, but I just "can't" stop. I'm a wife and a full time student and I fear failure. I continuously make excuses for not stopping because of school, etc. That is dumb. I do worse in school. However, I am scared to withdrawl while I'm focusing on school. This is my last semester. I want to be the old girl I used to be (not old ;)). Any support is much appreciated. Please help me find my way.
 
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Might I add, people don't know (at least I think), that I'm addicted to substances. I'm too ashamed to tell loved ones. It's a horrible feeeling :(
 
Hello,
I've had an opiate habit for 15+ years, totally understand how you feel without any substances, the black-and-white world of depression... I found that my loved ones already figured out that I have a problem, and once I sought treatment and told them... all I got was love and support.

So yeah, chances are your loved ones already know. Just not saying anything until you do. So talk to them, and you won't have to face it alone.

Best of luck
 
Caroliina said:
Might I add, people don't know (at least I think), that I'm addicted to substances. I'm too ashamed to tell loved ones. It's a horrible feeeling :(
Click to expand...

Trust me. People know. The addict is generally the last to know that something isn't right, and once you do know, chances are everyone around you has known for a much longer time.

I have to agree with with hopefiend here. The first thing to do to stop is to reach out for help...and actually accept it no matter how hard it is. You have already made the first step in recovering...realizing you have a problem. The next step is seeking help....It is up to you how you do that, but don't give up trying if something does not work.
 
I feel like I hide it well, and because I have "reasons" to get pills, it's overlooked. I hope know one knows how bad off I am. I want to find a way, on my own, to stop being so stupid. Depression sucks, but mood altering substances create a person that isn't me. That alone makes me sad. I'm a sad sad person :(
 
Half way through day 3. In bed with diaper w heater on blast yet still freezing. Good friend brought me his whole script of gabapentin and it is making all the difference.
 
I've quit a few times in my opiate junky career, stayed clean for 2 years that was my longest sobriery. Fell off the wagon with the damn fentanyl and now here i am
 
That sucks, but there is a rainbow after the storm! I wish I had time to stay in bed and ride it out.
 
I've quit a few times in my opiate junky career, stayed clean for 2 years that was my longest sobriery. Fell off the wagon with the damn fentanyl and now here i am
 
I understand. I quit and relapsed about 100 times. I honestly wish I never met opiates.
 
I have a melanoma looking growth on my leg which is getting removed Friday. I'm so scared!
 
The oral surgery was awful! It was very painful and I did need pain Meds. I just wish that it never happened, because I was doing so good!
 
Aye Captain! I can't figure out how to PM people, but I'd love to chat. I'm feeling so down right now. Maybe PM, because I lack the intelligence to find the PM link!
 
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