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feeling helpless

T

theclaw

Greenlighter
Joined
May 29, 2016
Messages
17
Crack and Heroin Addict in recovery here. I am worried that I am moving in a dangerous direction. While (mostly) sober for the past 7 months (occasional MJ use) and on subutex maintenance, I have had a lot of trouble committing to and focusing on my work. I am in a place work-wise right now that is very sink or swim, and I need to be on top of my game. Even while sober, it seems like I have an uncanny ability to fuck up good opportunities.

Over the past 2 months, I have had a tremendously hard time staying focused on my work. What has been troubling is that I had to move from an office to a work-at-home arrangement and since have grown less productive. I used to share an office, but one of the people I shared with steadily grew from sober to recreational user to full blown crackhead who resorted to blackmailing me for money, so I had to leave. I am living on a low budget right now and cannot afford to get my own office.

Two days ago I smoked pot, last night I smoked crack, and today I tried to get high on heroin but the subutex blocked it. I did all this alone despite being a very social person and spent $170 in total which is irresponsible for me right now given my financial situation. But, what really concerns me is that if I don't put an end to this path I'm spiraling towards I'll end up destroying my life. My family finally believes in me after 10 years of discord and I am on the brink of making huge strides professionally. Reactivating a drug habit will almost certainly put an end to both.

I have bipolar disorder and it is sometimes hard for me to control myself. And when I get down, I am just as unproductive as on drugs, but at least when I'm on drugs I am happy in a superficial way. And that's when it becomes hard to weigh long-term consequences against short-term pleasure.

What should I do to stop this spiral? I don't think a single use of crack and heroin requires medical treatment or detox, but this is a long weekend and I just meet a new dealer who thinks I'm going to meet up with him tomorrow, so I have to figure out a way for me to save me from myself.
 
The life of an addict way too often unfortunately. IMO it's all about meaning. Something has to mean more to you then using. That's not easy. I lost meaning somewhere and still can't find something more compelling than getting high. I can only stay clean a short while and that is always out of fear. Best of luck.
 
You know what you have to do in the short term for this weekend--don't meet the guy and get rid of his number. Long term, you are going to have to do more for your mental health. Living with bipolar can be so challenging but there are so many good and practical ways to create awareness about mania and mitigate depression. I think Cosmic Trigger is absolutely right on when he says you have to look for meaning. It sounds like your family means a lot to you as does your work but IME neither of those are enough. It's the relationship you have with yourself that makes everything else run more smoothly.

I don't know where you live but in my town they have started a communal work-space for people who work on their own or at home. It serves the purpose of getting you out of your house where you may find lots of distractions to procrastinate on, it gets you with others that share your situation and allows for some casual social interaction if you want it during the day. Anything like that around you?
 
The dealer keeps calling and I keep sending him to VM. I think he left a VM and now is texting. What is tough is that it is really hard for me to find a dealer in the event I do return to use. I am a light-skinned educated Jewish male working professional with no tattoos who doesn't speak ghetto lingo. The guy I met is black, has face tattoos, and has gold teeth, speaks ghetto, and his friends told him to GTF away from me because I must be a cop. I stick out like a sore thumb when trying to meet a dealer, and everyone thinks I'm an undercover cop. Every time I try to find a new dealer I risking getting arrested, robbed, etc. Everyone stares at me, just like everyone would stare at the dealer I met if he came to places that I normally go.

Back when I lived in a large city I could find dope just by driving up to the local Citgo just south of the main blvd and the dealers would know why I was there. My dealers there actually appreciated that I didn't pretend to be hard or thug and respected my rules re I didn't care if I was charged 10 bucks or so above list just don't bait/switch me on prices and make sure my stuff weighs out and don't cut it beyond however cut it may have been when you received it. I paid $80-100/half-gram of the highest grade china white in the city. 80mg up the nose or 50mg shot would nod me the fuck out. Now that I live in a suburban area its different; there is no open air market. I also am not caught up on the ever-changing street names and local prices for drugs (since I've been 7 months clean), and it sounds weird when I ask for $70 of heroin and $50 of meth by price and not by weight, and then the dealer gets confused about what meth is (seriously??) and I have to explain it and it becomes a whole weird process where its almost like we speak two different languages. I typically plug or snort my drugs (IV here and there) and have been 7 months sober apart from one night 4 months ago of insufflated cocaine hence I have no physical signs of use.

My concern about deleting the dealer's numbers is that in the event I am going to relapse, I don't want to take on the additional risks that come with finding a new dealer. This guy is nuts and keeps asking me to get him a rental car (lol no chance) and I imagine he's involved in organized crime so he's not exactly optimal. But holy shit do I not want to go back to that neighborhood to find a new dealer in the event I go back to using. I could delete his number and in the event I want to use I could try to go through a backpage hooker, but given my compulsive sex issues, that is reckless as well. I'd end up with a hooker habit again, which cost me tens of thousands of dollars and I'm still nervous to get tested for HIV after I shared wash with a hooker one time 7 months ago (I had my own but I was fiending and it was just sitting right there ready to be pulled into a syringe).

Also, I'm feeling pretty shitty since I've been avoiding taking my subs since yesterday due to fear of precipitated WD, but the more I think about it since the subs blocked the heroin wouldn't that mean that heroin did not link to my receptors therefore taking additional subutex would not cause precipitated wd. I'll find out soon enough... I just popped 3mg in.

It is hard for me to find meaning beyond my career and making money, because I had a significant injury 9 years ago (was on time-release OxyContin for a few years) and sports were my passion. I can't play anymore and even working out is very difficult. I suppose I am passionate about sex but its not like I can't have sex if I'm not using drugs: if anything drugs help me get laid more. There are a lot of things I would like to do, but having decent money is a prerequisite for most (philanthropy, venture capitalism, politics, travel, finding a wife and starting my own family [if I have kids I want them to have the best], etc.) I suppose I could do freelance writing and stand-up comedy now, which are two things I want to get into but keep putting off for no good reason.

I find that going to meetings tends to increase my risk of relapse. I am a staunch atheist and although I suppose I could fabricate some sort of higher power to substitute for God, I'd merely be praying to something of my creation to give me guidance, which is functionally the same thing as looking inwards for guidance, albeit in a more schizophrenic sense. I also find that the stepwork largely just upsets and frustrates me. I also find meetings boring.

I am nervous about my business and instead of facing business issues head on I end up sitting in bed watching Hulu instead of working. I like the idea of working at a communal space. I work with multiple monitors, so it is hard for me to just go to a Starbucks, but having a dedicated shared office space could help me a lot.

I wonder if maybe I should go back to smoking pot. I love pot, but I end up using it constantly throughout the day once I start via portable vaporizer, whereas my harder drug use is moreso done in binge/crash cycles.

Is it possible that the Subutex is doing more harm than good, since it gives the slightest slightest opiate feeling that perhaps keeps me cognizant of what I am missing? Or am I just deluding myself into thinking that so I go off of it and then Heroin will work at full force? Perhaps I should get off Subutex and then go on the Vivitrol shot. Or go back to Kratom. Fuck I really have no idea anymore. I'm at a point where I don't even know if sobriety is worth it. I was able to achieve a lot in the past when I was a pothead who dabbled with coke and pills every now and then, but I just feel like my addiction has progressed to a point where I won't be able to maintain like that for very long before I start using crack heroin nitrous and meth again. And if I do that itll be damn near impossible to be successful, even if I was able to afford those habits, due to what abusing those drugs does to you mentally and physically.
 
I also hate that it feels like I cannot admit any of this to people I know, because they all think I have been sober for 7 months or do not know that I have ever had a drug problem. My roommates are in recovery, and if they know that I fucked around with crack and heroin in our apartment they'd probably make me leave. I admitted to them that I smoked pot a few times and they were somewhat okay with that as long as it wasn't under their roof, but crack and heroin are rightfully treated as a whole other category.
 
Now I read that Baclofen and Gapabentin-Neurontin can get you high and understand now why I had those stolen from my car awhile back. Great. Cannot understand why someone would want gabapentin that shit made me feel terrible.
 
You should be fine to keep taking the subutex if the heroin never had a chance to bind which is likely. You already have a problem. Securing your next relapse. If you don't have a dealer to dial then its a lot of work to relapse which is a good thing. You have time to stop yourself, keeping that number is pretty much suicide for your recovery.

When you are on the buprenorphine for awhile that feeling will go away completely. It is the best thing for junkies. Having to take something every day that doesn't get you high but having to take it so you aren't sick and it also making it impossible to use. It encourages neuroplasticity, the brain rewires itself to stop reacting to drug use behavior. Be on it long enough and you wont crave getting high. I don't get heart pounding craving fits when I think of doing a shot or am confronted by images of people shooting up on tv anymore. Trust me, it gets better. Just be patient and it will keep getting easier.

Don't ever miss your dose. Take it at the same time every day. You do sound likee you are deluding yourself so that you can wait long enough so you can use. Just keep on it and after some time these cravings will subside. Also do your best to stay away from stimulants. I was also a poly drug user and suboxone helped me get distance from everything.
 
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I'm not happy sober. It's boring. I want extreme intense pleasurable rushes. I used to get that from drugs, sports, hitting on girls, and various forms of competition. I can't seem to get those feelings anymore. The most intense feeling I can seem to get while sober is panic, and intense panic sucks.

I'm thinking about maybe getting a tattoo, fucking a hooker, or doing both. Maybe those activities will provide me with some sort of excitement.
 
Wow - you have A LOT going on right now. I think you need to stop and soberly consider your mental health right now. I could be wrong, but you kind of sound a little manic and wanting some excitement. Take some deep breaths and ask yourself what is going on in your head. These thoughts you are having about drugs, tattoos, protstitutes sound incredibly impulsive and not rational. Do you really want any of these things right now or are you trying to escape stress and boredom?

You said you've been sober for 7 months - what motivated you to get sober? Were you tired of the lifestyle - feeling crappy and always doing damage control with the family, job, etc, or did you want to perform better at your job and appease your family? Rhe main reason for being sober do matter. It's a lot easier to achieve and maintain sobriety if you truly want it, otherwise maintaining sobriety is a soul crushing resentment building struggle if you're doing it for other people.

I hope you don't think I'm being harsh or judging - I'm not. I struggled to maintain sobriety and only truly achieved sobriety when I was done with the lifestyle. I couldn't do it anymore, and I wanted out. Think about your reasons and figure out what will make YOU happy. You may be ready, or you may need some time before you're ready - just be honest with yourself so you can have a game plan for how to deal with it. I do think you need to get a better handle on the bipolar as that can be motivating you to make some poor choices.

There is a lot of anhedonia and boredom in early recovery - this is normal and it is temporary. Find a way to keep yourself occupied and this will pass before you know it. Sober life is different that addicted life. You are not going to have those instant intense dopamine rushes, and that is something that you have to get used to. What you do have is a much more stable and peaceful life full of little treats and joys, and once you get used to it, it's so much better than addicted life. People respect you, you're not constantly chasing drugs, you have a reliable routine that removes a lot of the guess work, and you hve true connections with people who care about you - not your money. Another perk of sober life is not having to worry about being arrested or waking up in the hospital because you went a little over board the night before.

Regardless of what you ultimately decide, I think you need to slow down and really weigh your choices and consider the consequences. Try to avoid making impulsive decisions as making the wrong choice can have immediate, devastating, and laying effects on your life. Take care of yourself.
 
I can empathize with the cravings for intense rushes..

i bought a camaro SS and put a racing chip,cold air intake,etc..when I was in recovery on subs and needed a rush I would just hit a highway doin 140 and call it a day..the rush of racing was my new habit

the cravings for a rush in recovery is overwhelming..as u said I can't get that rush from hitting on girls or competition anymore ..going to the track with my car is how I get those rushes I crave so much..I need a mix of pleasure,competition, and risk of danger to satisfy it
 
You also have to realize that buprenorphine is a partial agnist and wont pacify your mental health problems as a full agonist would. You have to learn to cope without, it takes awhile to get accumstomed to it and life hits you like a ton of bricks. I find suboxone to be more therapeutic that methadone in this manner as methadone would leave me content and without anxiety. Buprenorphine actually left me so anxious I could barely leave the house and the depression was like nothing I had encountered before. It took a couple months of regular dosing before this subsided and I learned some coping mechanisms. It's sort of like you are going through the post acute withdrawal syndrome that leaves you really bored and frustrated every time you lower your dose and get accustomed to it. Then when you hop off you will be affected by it for 6 months to a year before your brain gets back to normal and things start being fulfilling again. It's a struggle that must be gotten through before you can really start enjoying the things that you used to enjoy again.

Get some support systems in place, take up some new hobbies, maybe find a therapist to work through all of this with. These are the things that are working for me right now.
 
I bought a sports car a few years back after I quit my at the time DOC and considered the V8 Camaro when I chose my car. I then found out that my in professional career, the membership committee looks down on speeding tickets with respect to gaining new membership to their professional organization. That really, really sucked to find out two months after buying the car. I used to love going really fast on the highway. Actually now with the debt I have racked up due to financing part of my career-starting expenses and drugs (I never stole or hussled in the traditional sense), I'm probably going to trade the car in soon.
 
Are you in treatment/on meds for your bipolar disorder? I have bipolar disorder and self-medicated myself with alcohol. It totally destabilized me and I became an alcoholic. I'm in recovery now and my mental health is better.

I think you need to focus on your mental health and get you stable mood-wise ... cutting ties with your dealer needs to happen if you are ready to get off the drugs.

I used to work from home and it was great in the sense that there was no commute, no micromanaging, etc., but it was isolating. I think your work environment may be making it harder for you.

Take care and keep us updated.
 
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