Feeling helpless, my life just fell apart around me.

[PsychedelicWizard]

Well things were downhill for the last six months or so, but it really got bad recently when my boyfriend basically kicked me out, although he did help me get my own apartment and has visited quite a bit since, but I realize now that he's made it clear I'm no longer welcome to move back with him, and it has pretty much devastated me. Before him I moved to this new city and was meeting quite a lot of people, really starting to get my life going, but one thing lead to another and I started to get more and more alienated from others until I found him and we really had a lot of fun together, although it pretty much destroyed my social life. Got into drugs more heavily, particularly crystal, and started to lie about my use, get involved with shady characters I didn't want to be involved with, until it all just hit the fan at once, ended up in the psyche ward and basically the whole thing fell apart, with not just me and him, but strangely everyone that was in what seemed like a promising social circle.

Just sort of fell apart after that, haven't really been the same since. Before I felt that the world was full of opportunity, and felt such excitement to go out exploring, but now, I feel chained and stuck in a hellish loop of poverty and despair. To make matters worse, I happen to run into the wrong crowd when I finally begin getting my separate life going, and some tweakers steal my phone, money, and basically leave me fucked for getting any kind of business started. To make matters worse I've now lost my potential to get involved with the drug crowd who isn't so fucked up, as I'm in this weird cage of being reliant upon the same fuckers who took my stuff, as they do come up with speed and the withdrawal is just hell to avoid, and my opinions then fluctuate on them, as I feel myself now one of them, even going as far as to take from other tweakers and emulate their behavior.

It really is depressing. The last two years of my life were just a trainwreck. I came to this new city with the intention of getting into a rave scene (never seemed to find it), finding some solid PLUR-type Neo-hippies and just having a great life, getting a business going, but instead, just met the wrong type of person after the wrong type of person and ended up just totally demoralized and feeling alienated and shitty. Doesn't help matters any that this seems to be the norm from what I've heard from other strangers, seems this place is just cursed with perpetual unhappiness.

It really sucks to realize that your dreams were shattered, especially because it wasn't even my own fault, most of my losses in money, time, and relationships, were because of other people who abused me and took from me, literally making me lose my faith in humanity. And it just seems like I'm cursed, because whenever there was that person who could've broken me out of this hell, whenever I had that opportunity to get out, some bullshit always got in the way, every single time! It is like I'm in hell being punished.

The worst part is I literally did live selflessly and tried to please people and make the world a better place, and for all my hard efforts, I just got burned over and over, until I was left with nothing. I tried to get involved with counselling and the local mental health team, but after waiting five weeks, all I got was a psychiatrist who just wanted to push anti-depressants on me, despite me telling him over and over that the sexual dysfunction and weight gain (among other horrible shit like depersonalization) meant I'd rather be miserable as I am, than a zoned-out zombie who is truly dead. So much for that. I go to the food bank and they give enough food to last a few days, a week at most, and only allow you to come once a month.

The disability office gives enough money to sustain the apartment, that's about it, and I've burned through all my savings, and worst of all as it comes to drugs, most of the drugs I bought ended up with me being ripped off or people taking it from me and using me then vanishing without a trace.

So being completely broke, socially alienated, desperate, going through withdrawals, and mental health problems (mainly OCD), just makes me really feel depressed.

It feels like a surreal nightmare, like some sort of Twilight Zone episode of what could go wrong if I chose every wrong turn, when I had it all so perfectly worked out. The worst kicker though is I can honestly state the largest reason for my decline is other people. Me loving people and trying to help them lead to my destruction, that is the worst part. If I had done it to myself through abusing drugs (although that is part of the problem), I'd at least not feel so depressed, because I'd get rehab-type help and change, but the reality is that an oppressive class-system that means everyone is in the same poverty bullshit boat while the 1% live these ridiculous fairy-tale lives, a bunch of people with a every-man-for-themselves mindset that somehow found me and sucked me dry before people that would share my loving ideals swarmed me, and a broken system that offers zero real support, just keeps you alive like on life support, instead of offering any real hope.

Just not sure what to do. Being broke, in withdrawal, heartbroken, alone, and having your faith destroyed by the realization of a shitty world and how it could've easily been avoided if I just had met some decent people instead, really makes it hard to go on.

Any advice?

 

[CosmicG]

You can always start over. I have never done crystal but am aware of the incredible damage it can do to ones soul. I currently find myself in my own hell, withdrawing from Xanax still two and a half weeks later and feeling no reprieve any time soon. I have only myself to blame for the short comings made possible only by my own character defects.

I am sorry if I missed this but but if you do not mind me asking, why are you on disability? You are going to have to remove yourself from these people and stop the crystal I think if you really want things to improve, since that seems to be when things really spun out of control for you. I know this is much easier said then done, but trust me when I say that I know how shitty withdrawal can be. You will always find other people to share your life with, but first you must take care of yourself.

The world can seem shitty sometimes, but it has been my experience that what we see is nothing but a reflection of ourselves. For me the world is very dark right now, but that does not mean I have to remain in the darkness. What kind of business were you trying to start? Focus on the things you know you like about yourself and realize that continuing to live this way will only keep you from being that.

 

[Maya]

my situation before was similar to yours OP. Most of the money and time lost were because of parasites. It took me time to get my shit together but I was able to cut connections with anyone who are toxic in my life. I have realized that I am very strong and that as long as I keep my head up and have will power from succumbing into drugs, I wilk just be alright. Just always remember that when this is all over (the withdrawals), you have to slowly get your life back together. It takes time but you will just be alright.

 

[herbavore]

It sounds like you are giving up on yourself to be honest. Bite the bullet and get off meth and cut the people out of your life that make that difficult. When you try something new and it doesn't get you where you thought it would you have to try something new again. Don't let yourself get stuck in fatalism and blaming the external forces in your life that are indeed hard but not insurmountable. Do everything that you can to guide your life in the direction that you want it to go--that means friends, work, hobbies, philosophy--keep your own internal compass clear! When everything has gone wrong at once it can be defeating but try to just make small steps in the direction you want to go--you can transform your life.

 

[PsychedelicWizard]

Thanks to all the wonderful responses!

I'm sort of teeter-tattering. It just feels like I missed my train in a massive way, like, none of this should have happened the way it did.

Had I got a small circle of decent trustworthy friends, found myself in the rave-type scene I so desired, I could literally be living an awesome life.

What hurts the most isn't withdrawal, it is being caught-up by people I was too weak to say no to and having them spiral my life downwards.

It feels almost like I've been directed by fate to go to a certain place, because of how bizarre things kept happening to me.

To put it in a metaphorical example; it would be like you booked a train to Boston from San Diego, you had it all setup, had the perfect plan to move there, had an apartment, job prospects, a social scene that would welcome you in, but for some fucked up reason, on the way to Boston you met someone who seemed pretty interesting, and they convinced you to have dinner with them in Denver. Anyway, you end up doing it and missing the train, only to then get on the next train and end up after a bunch of incredibly bizarre twists, you end up in New Orleans.

Now you don't get the apartment you planned, but instead end up in some kind of messed-up shanty cabin, you get no job but instead end up on welfare, and you end up becoming "friends" with local homeless people and thugs, who you want nothing to do with but based on your predicament, they have the access to the drugs so you say fuck it and get high with them, only to get fucked over further each time.

That seriously is what happened to me. It isn't the typical tale of trying some drug at a party and spiraling out of control, but rather, getting completely de-railed by a bunch of thugs, then becoming a thug yourself, only to get trapped in a cycle that breaks your heart to be part of, but is literally impossible to escape at the moment.

Now what is really fucked, is that I've become like these people that ruined my life in some ways. I've found myself lying and stealing and then justifying it, but it doesn't help matters any when the very communities that seem to be good are actually a bunch of hypocritical religious scum that are just as twisted as these druggie crowds, what with their sexual repression, insane beliefs, and other hypocritical nonsense they get up to.

It is not all bad though, I have good days and see good people from time to time and have some good experiences, it just, I had dreamed of a much better world than this when I left to start my new life. It breaks my heart to see what happened to me, and I seriously question if that ideal rave-type community even exists, or if I was just searching for the Holy Grail all this time and am just now awakening to the harsh reality of this world?

Don't know. I'm not totally cynical or pessimistic, there are days I'm very optimistic and hopeful, but the sadness I feel is so intense. I'm passed anger, I realize the people that fucked me over didn't want to, they just had no choice themselves and are just broken souls from a broken world.

I guess the worst part is that we all have to realize... we aren't just some isolated fucked-up cases, the reality is, this whole society is in decline and has serious flaws, nobody has it figured out. I guess that is what keeps me from truly getting clean... there isn't some pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that I just have to give-up drugs for, it is more like, settle for a mediocre life in a broken world or a fucked up life in a broken world that has moments of happiness.

Maybe I'll figure it out, but thanks from the encouragement. I just wish we lived in a better society.

 

[qualitycoffee]

Wow. Without meaning to sound condescending (apologies if I do!!), you truly have written something very impressing and...meaningful...and touching, and (can't think of words at the best of times sorry) for someone so near rock bottom.
You need to remember (I really think this puts it in perspective for me), this is a drug purely manufactured (well this is the way I see it) to alter your mental state.
And all of a sudden.
We're taking it, eating it, smoking it, drinking it, injecting it etc etc, every hour of every day.
And then to try and stop. And regain all normal function. Especially mental ...
I mean, we have been putting synthetic good moods into ourselves for years. Then we expect our brains to do it on their own? With no chemical assistance?

But that you can still go through all that and write something so profound...it hasn't beaten you, not by any means.
Very inspiring, you got to go to the bottom of the shit heap to find the rung to climb back up.
You're only beaten when you yourself give up. And you sound far from it.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Youve gone to hell and back. Now just to get the right train this time.

 

[motiv311]

Sounds pretty typical, you went out looking for this ideal community of ravers, (which probably doesn't exist) and instead wound up with a bunch of bad apples , because law of attraction brought you to the closest reality of that desire.

You've likely learned some bad habits from all these shady individuals... You just have to make a choice about what kind of person you want to be, and then be that.

And this is comin from a person who has more or less been a drug addict and hooligan for ten years. Don't become complacent , don't succumb to depression , it's about the mental image you hold of yourself in your mind ; it's just personal hard work.

Don't be to hard on yourself ; it is more or less possible that you are a "good girl" who got mixed up with a fowl crowd .

Rest up , quit smoking that speed , and get PUMPED!

 

[PsychedelicWizard]

Thank you to all responses.

I've since come to realize upon days of reflection that I'm not alone, this whole planet is in the same situation, each and everyone of you is suffering as I am.

It isn't drugs, mental health, poverty, even people who are rich, socially connected, doing well, are suffering.

Some bizarre astrological phenomena, something is happening in the world that I cannot explain, but am aware of now.

That gives me faith to continue in a strange way, but there's seriously something wrong with our society if so many are in poverty, drug addicted, socially alienated, mentally ill, and overall in cycles of despair and brief happiness.

What can be done about it?

 

[GetMeBackToNormal]

Live a normal life -_-. Recover, live, do, create, and someday you will see that light. I'm currently withdrawing from Xanax abuse (seriously, I've done them like once every couple of months, with one month having 3 sessions, with one session being 3 bars in one night) and since then I've been cycling back to normal. Each road is different for each person, but what's the same for all of us is that wanting to become that innocent person we were before this shit happened. Recover, live, do, create, and someday you will see that light.

 

[abbazabbaaa]

When I got sober from meth I got reaquainted with high school friends I hadn't talked to in a few years. They had a big group of friends who loved to go to shows. They would roll and take psychedelics and party for days on end. They did not approve of my previous almost two year stint with meth... But yet they partied hard (not as hard or for as many consecutive days as I did, I'll give them that), but just different substances. Hanging around them allowed me to feel as though I was getting better because I was off the speed, but really I was just lying to myself. I had not recovered, fully or partially, and I had a long way to go in my journey to get sober. This isn't saying that they were anything less than beautiful souls who made me smile through one of the hardest times in my life... They were. Basically my point to you is that hanging out with one group of partners versus another, while the ravers are usually more friendly and (most) will not jack your shit... It doesn't mean you wouldn't have gotten introduced to a substance you would eventually become addicted to. My advice to you is maybe to start job searching. Let yourself go through the hard times, and realize that this is not forever how your life will be. You have so many routes you could take. Keep pushing forward no matter how much it hurts... Eventually you will be a self reliant and happy person. For me it took like two years to really get it together. But it wasn't as horrible the second year as the first and there was good times within the bad. I am employed, in a healthy relationship, 3+ years and no speed. Leaving it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But in doing that I gained a life I never thought I would have. Best of luck. Remember what Churchill said... "If you're going through hell, keep going."

 

[herbavore]

^Congratulations on that, abba!

 

[abbazabbaaa]

Aw, well thank you. After years of drug abuse it has felt so good to experience genuine highs and lows! My heart and love goes out to all recovering. To all those still in the throws of addiction, there is a way out if you want it bad enough.

I love that this site lets everybody know they're never alone. Thank you, bluelight! XO