Feeling guilty about using opiates?

[Blind Melon]

I do truly think I would have committed suicide without the opiates.

I know I would have. That's why I'm so scared by the idea of getting off completely.

 

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

^
Know would actually be the correct word for me as well. I have been on the edge, near suicide, and the relief from opiates got me through it quite a few times. Even then, I have had quite a few attempts and plans that could not be carried out due to factors beyond my control. Psychedelics have been immensely helpful for me at various points in my life as well. The suicide attempts that have occurred during my adult life all happened during periods of abstinence from opiates (or in one case when I ran out and could not get more for a while). I think I am so far having pretty good success with low doses of AMT though. Maybe you could consider giving that a shot?
Edit:
There was one attempt when I thought my raccoon was gone forever because I knew he would die alone and I could not handle that. I fortunately found him right after I OD'd on all that shit I took - he was stuck behind my desk drawer and I found that out when it would not shut and I pushed really hard. It hurt him and he cried out, so I knew he was back there. I did have opiates then.

Unrelated: About my near certainty of having some kind of personality disorder:
I never feel that I know how to act around other people. I feel like a freak, almost like an alien trapped on the wrong planet. I try to act the way I think normal people act, but I have know idea if I am pulling it off. I use to not be able to talk to anyone I did not know and could barely look anyone in the eye while speaking to them. I feel like a freak. Even when I was in first grade, the teachers thought there was something wrong - they suspected autism or mental retardation but the shrink I was forced to see at age six did not diagnose me as either of those. I had poor academic performance early in school, mostly because I found it really boring and did not try and my vision was so bad I often could not see what was on the board, at least I think that is why. I also always played by myself and people considered it abnormal. I enjoyed just observing differences in leaves and plants, and different types of rocks, playing in the sand, and just absorbing myself in thought and fantasy instead of doing what everyone considered normal.

I have had maybe five friends in my life and no real friends since I was 11. I had someone I considered a friend when I was 14, but he was always making fun of me and I heard him talking about me being retarded or brain damaged to my brother a couple of times when they did not know I was around. My brother made fun with him one of those times but another time he actually defended me, saying that I was like a genius but he also said I was really weird (I agree with that statement). I wish I knew what was wrong with my personality. I really hope it is not a cluster B personality disorder because I consider most of those traits to be negative or downright evil in some cases.

 

[cerebral_pauly]

You guys should understand everyone makes mistakes in life, and if you can at least realize where your faults lie, you are always able to better yourself. Rome wasn't built in a day, that's why there are maintenance programs for if and when the user decides to ease off on their habit.

Take baby steps and see if your life improves a little. Then, using that logic, if you take big steps, your life will improve A LOT