carl
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2005
- Messages
- 10,217
Hi Bluelight, it's been a few years since I've posted. I really haven't been around much since I got off heroin a few years ago. That was the best thing I could have done for myself; my addiction was typical in many ways, including the typical shitty life that wasn't working. I won't get into it here, but assume I was a junky's junky. Fast forward a couple of years and life is awesome. Life was going really well. 4.0 in school. Great job. I was fit and in shape, happy, and involved in life.
Then a few weeks ago I was in a freak bike accident on the way home from school. I wasn't hit, I just slipped off my road pedal (wearing flat street shoes) while going around 17mph. The accident mangled my knee. My treatment team treats professional athletes including world class skiers, NFL players, and NBA players... and they're impressed by the damage I was able to do. It's a six to 8 month recovery. Instead of tearing my ACL, I pulled a chunk of bone that it's attached to into the joint face. I vertically fractured the bone that forms the weight bearing surface for the lower leg. I detached the sMCL. I tore the LCL and the miniscus. Oh, and there were shards of bone in the joint face. It was a complex and painful injury. It'll be a long, complex, and painful recovery.
As soon as I hit the ambulance they were getting the fent out. It didn't help too much. After fifteen minutes of agony in the ER (ED) I got morphine. That didn't help. I wasn't asking for pain meds. I was visibly and audibly in sever pain. They didn't ask if I wanted them. They asked how bad the pain was. When the first images of my knee came back, the nurse came in with Dilaudid and said "this is going to take away most of the pain."
I was on a rollercoaster of pain and dilaudid for a few days. They wouldn't operate due to the swelling. The docs at the level 1 trauma center where I was taken were talking to me about compromises, and my goals for the future. Was I more of a swimmer or a runner? "There might be some crunching if we can't clean the miniscus of all the shards." My mom, who happens to work with the best sport and orthopedic surgeons in the country, and she didn't like the sound of these conversatons, so three days after the injury she loaded me into the back of her jeep and drove me two hours up into the mountains to their clinic in Vail. That was a hell ride. That's the only time in the whole ordeal that I demanded pain meds. As soon as we walked in the door I was asking for my dilaudid. It took a little while. They sent me down to get an MRI on oral dilaudid before they gave me a new IV. Staying still during that MRI was incredibly painful. But as soon as they saw the images they admitted me and got me back on IV pain management. I had the surgery first thing in the morning the next day. Instead of waiting for the swelling to go down, they drained 200ML of fluid from my knee. In the hospital I was on a PCA, a pump. I could push the button every 8 minutes, and a new dose of IV pain meds would hit my IV.
I left the hospital a few days later, with a pharmacy in tow. I was on oral dilaudid, oxycontin, muscle relaxers, a benzo, and oxycodone IR. that was about two weeks ago. I've managed to get to a point where I'm taking one or two oxycodone IRs a day, and occasionally an oxycontin at night. A muscle relaxer if I really need it. I've done my best to talk to people about it. I called my old sponsor. I called my old therapist. I've been 100% upfront with my family, girlfriend, and close friends. I've kept a detailed log of what I take and when. Every pill is accounted for. I've cut down from the heavy duty stuff, and in the process have been in increased pain, because I've been scared. I feel guilty, addicts aren't supposed to take opiates, for any reason. I don't want to go back to that either. But at this point, I can't go without something for severe pain. NSAIDS are contraindicated for my condition, and tylenol just inst cutting it. I can get a toradol injection once every two weeks if it's really bad, but I have to go into the office to get it. And only once every two weeks. I'm not sure what I should do, or what I can do.
I know that I'm not abusing the meds and I'm truly in a lot of pain. I still feel guilty. I still feel like I've failed, in a way. I still feel like I let some people down, and proved some others right.
I'm just confused. and bored. and lonely. and feeling cooped up. and feeling like I'm doing something wrong.
Then a few weeks ago I was in a freak bike accident on the way home from school. I wasn't hit, I just slipped off my road pedal (wearing flat street shoes) while going around 17mph. The accident mangled my knee. My treatment team treats professional athletes including world class skiers, NFL players, and NBA players... and they're impressed by the damage I was able to do. It's a six to 8 month recovery. Instead of tearing my ACL, I pulled a chunk of bone that it's attached to into the joint face. I vertically fractured the bone that forms the weight bearing surface for the lower leg. I detached the sMCL. I tore the LCL and the miniscus. Oh, and there were shards of bone in the joint face. It was a complex and painful injury. It'll be a long, complex, and painful recovery.
As soon as I hit the ambulance they were getting the fent out. It didn't help too much. After fifteen minutes of agony in the ER (ED) I got morphine. That didn't help. I wasn't asking for pain meds. I was visibly and audibly in sever pain. They didn't ask if I wanted them. They asked how bad the pain was. When the first images of my knee came back, the nurse came in with Dilaudid and said "this is going to take away most of the pain."
I was on a rollercoaster of pain and dilaudid for a few days. They wouldn't operate due to the swelling. The docs at the level 1 trauma center where I was taken were talking to me about compromises, and my goals for the future. Was I more of a swimmer or a runner? "There might be some crunching if we can't clean the miniscus of all the shards." My mom, who happens to work with the best sport and orthopedic surgeons in the country, and she didn't like the sound of these conversatons, so three days after the injury she loaded me into the back of her jeep and drove me two hours up into the mountains to their clinic in Vail. That was a hell ride. That's the only time in the whole ordeal that I demanded pain meds. As soon as we walked in the door I was asking for my dilaudid. It took a little while. They sent me down to get an MRI on oral dilaudid before they gave me a new IV. Staying still during that MRI was incredibly painful. But as soon as they saw the images they admitted me and got me back on IV pain management. I had the surgery first thing in the morning the next day. Instead of waiting for the swelling to go down, they drained 200ML of fluid from my knee. In the hospital I was on a PCA, a pump. I could push the button every 8 minutes, and a new dose of IV pain meds would hit my IV.
I left the hospital a few days later, with a pharmacy in tow. I was on oral dilaudid, oxycontin, muscle relaxers, a benzo, and oxycodone IR. that was about two weeks ago. I've managed to get to a point where I'm taking one or two oxycodone IRs a day, and occasionally an oxycontin at night. A muscle relaxer if I really need it. I've done my best to talk to people about it. I called my old sponsor. I called my old therapist. I've been 100% upfront with my family, girlfriend, and close friends. I've kept a detailed log of what I take and when. Every pill is accounted for. I've cut down from the heavy duty stuff, and in the process have been in increased pain, because I've been scared. I feel guilty, addicts aren't supposed to take opiates, for any reason. I don't want to go back to that either. But at this point, I can't go without something for severe pain. NSAIDS are contraindicated for my condition, and tylenol just inst cutting it. I can get a toradol injection once every two weeks if it's really bad, but I have to go into the office to get it. And only once every two weeks. I'm not sure what I should do, or what I can do.
I know that I'm not abusing the meds and I'm truly in a lot of pain. I still feel guilty. I still feel like I've failed, in a way. I still feel like I let some people down, and proved some others right.
I'm just confused. and bored. and lonely. and feeling cooped up. and feeling like I'm doing something wrong.
