Been on opiates and eventually heroin for 6 or 7 years now, tried to quit and failed on several occasions. I'm now at 46 hours since I last used. I've got some subutex and suboxone, I'm just dosing when I feel I need to, roughly every 20 to 24 hours. My problem is I'm finding it hard to leave the lifestyle behind. I don't know why, I mean it's hardly the best existence as I'm sure every addict on here can relate to. So I've started scoring crack, pretty stupid I know, but I need to feel something, I feel bored and empty when sober. Had anyone else felt like this when giving up? Any thoughts/advice. I've been a coke head in the past, and I mean using in the morning and throughout the day. I didn't have any problems quiting once I decided to. Realistically can I use crack occasionally, or am I just setting myself up to be even more fucked. I don't know what to do, addiction sucks and is killing me, but sobriety is hard, I feel fucked up and depressed when sober. Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble not feeling good at the moment.
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Feeling fucked up
- Thread starter zebedee79
- Start date
Man that sucks, I know how you feel, like you can't find joy in anything...U need to find something active that you used to like to do before like mountain biking, p/u basketball, hiking, whatever and just force yourself to do it and enjoy it sober...I'm pretty lucky I've been surfing all my life and live in Hawaii so yeah...day 8 for me no opiates and I have no energy to do fucking anything much less go for a surf, waves are shitty anyway, big south swell on the way though,
Znegative
Bluelight Crew
I can relate to this a lot. For me, it's actually the lifestyle change that I struggle the most with. I often feel real empty, purposeless. Being a heroin addict is hardly an ideal situation, but at least you know what to do.
I've also kind of gone through the same thing with coke. In the past when I'd get on suboxone or methadone and give up heroin it was like my M.O to use IV cocaine, which at a certain point in my life became a bigger problem then my heroin use was. Cocaine, especially when injected or smoked is way more fiendish IMO then heroin or other opiates are. In fact I would say that it's definitely one of the more fiendish stimulants too because it's got such a bangin' rush, but it only lasts a few minutes if that. My advice would to stop while your ahead if you can, or maybe try using amphetamines instead. With meth/amps you can at least function and be productive for a little while. With crack and IV coke the only thing I was ever capable of doing was more crack/coke and stealing and selling shit.
Anyway I'm going to move this over to TDS forum.
I've also kind of gone through the same thing with coke. In the past when I'd get on suboxone or methadone and give up heroin it was like my M.O to use IV cocaine, which at a certain point in my life became a bigger problem then my heroin use was. Cocaine, especially when injected or smoked is way more fiendish IMO then heroin or other opiates are. In fact I would say that it's definitely one of the more fiendish stimulants too because it's got such a bangin' rush, but it only lasts a few minutes if that. My advice would to stop while your ahead if you can, or maybe try using amphetamines instead. With meth/amps you can at least function and be productive for a little while. With crack and IV coke the only thing I was ever capable of doing was more crack/coke and stealing and selling shit.
Anyway I'm going to move this over to TDS forum.
You're stuck between a rock and a hard place...I have been there many times before and it's a terrible place to be. I got healthy when I could no longer endure the pain of addiction, and would rather deal with the boredom and apathy of sobriety. I really thought that the rest of my life would be a purgatory like existence, fortunately I was mistaken. Up until this last attempt at sobriety, I had never been able to stay sober long enough to get over that hurdle.
As difficult as it is, I think your best course of action is to get sober. Early recovery is hard, just resign yourself to that fact and focus on getting through it as those feelings are temporary. I promise you it does eventually get better. One thing I learned in all my years of active addiction is that no matter how bad or how painful it may be, it can always get worse, and there was never a limit to how much worse it can get.
On the other hand, as difficult as getting sober and early recovery are, there is a limit as to how bad you can actually feel. It's also very temporary in the grand scheme of life. I think the question you need to ask yourself is how much pain can you possibly tolerate. While unpleasant, the pain of early recovery is finite period, where is the pain from active addiction can continue for as long as you keep using, and can continue to intensify and keep getting worse.
I think deep down you know the answers to your question. I also think you know that regardless of what you choose you're going to be in an uncomfortable situation, it's just a matter of how long you want it to last. I wish you the best - hit us up if you need support or just want to vent. Good luck!
As difficult as it is, I think your best course of action is to get sober. Early recovery is hard, just resign yourself to that fact and focus on getting through it as those feelings are temporary. I promise you it does eventually get better. One thing I learned in all my years of active addiction is that no matter how bad or how painful it may be, it can always get worse, and there was never a limit to how much worse it can get.
On the other hand, as difficult as getting sober and early recovery are, there is a limit as to how bad you can actually feel. It's also very temporary in the grand scheme of life. I think the question you need to ask yourself is how much pain can you possibly tolerate. While unpleasant, the pain of early recovery is finite period, where is the pain from active addiction can continue for as long as you keep using, and can continue to intensify and keep getting worse.
I think deep down you know the answers to your question. I also think you know that regardless of what you choose you're going to be in an uncomfortable situation, it's just a matter of how long you want it to last. I wish you the best - hit us up if you need support or just want to vent. Good luck!
sm0kestack
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2015
- Messages
- 356
Yeah from what I see here and I must ask is, are you trying to be sober actually? If not, then try different things I guess, since from what I see you are trying to be done with one kind if drug, but still want to use others? IF that's the case, and you are trying to avoid that empty feeling, crack isn't the right drug for you IMO. Yeah it has a very short lived cool high, but it always left me with that empty feeling even worse when it was done. Amphetamines were better in finding ways to entertain myself. Like Znegative pointed out.
If you are actually trying to abstain from substance use all together, which is best bro, the guy who posted above has good advice. That empty, seemingly hopeless, helpless, bored, no purpose feeling is temporary, and things will get better guaranteed. Just gotta give it time bro. It has usually took me a good several months in abstinence to get that really good feeling if contentment in early sobriety. IT DOES COME EVENTUALLY. Just have to have a whole shitload of patience bro. Self help groups like 12step meetings help with keeping you sober, and being around sober people and finding new sober activities and hobbies. It works if you let it, but you gotta 100% want it. I have unfortunately not 100% wanted it yet. There has always been some small reservation for me. But hopefully one day it will fully click for me!
Good luck bro
If you are actually trying to abstain from substance use all together, which is best bro, the guy who posted above has good advice. That empty, seemingly hopeless, helpless, bored, no purpose feeling is temporary, and things will get better guaranteed. Just gotta give it time bro. It has usually took me a good several months in abstinence to get that really good feeling if contentment in early sobriety. IT DOES COME EVENTUALLY. Just have to have a whole shitload of patience bro. Self help groups like 12step meetings help with keeping you sober, and being around sober people and finding new sober activities and hobbies. It works if you let it, but you gotta 100% want it. I have unfortunately not 100% wanted it yet. There has always been some small reservation for me. But hopefully one day it will fully click for me!
Good luck bro
I went out and scored some crack, when I got home and before I smoked it something weird happened. I just crumbled on the floor and I cried, I don't mean a little tear in my eye but uncontrollably crying. Afterwards for short time, I felt fucking amazing, almost like I'd done heroin I'm a 37 year old man, I'm not supposed to cry but fuck it felt good.
I really appreciate all the replys, I'm in a strange place at the moment I'm grateful to anyone who takes the time to read and reply, even if I don't seem it.
I really appreciate all the replys, I'm in a strange place at the moment I'm grateful to anyone who takes the time to read and reply, even if I don't seem it.
Man in the Dark
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 2, 2015
- Messages
- 531
Dont feel ashamed about crying, it's your body's way of letting it all out. It's actually a good thing, like you said you felt good after. You are going through some major changes and your emotions are going to be all ove the place. Did you smoke the rock after or did you throw it out? I wish you the best of luck, stay strong my friend you can do this.
crzydiamond
Bluelighter
Well, you know, when you're measuring time off the substance in hours you have to realize that where you're at is a transitional place. Obviously you are not going to quit and feel miraculously great a day or two or three later. You've got to give your brain some time to normalize.
That's one of the hard things on getting clean, and one you may have to consciously repeat to yourself--"it's a temporary feeling/it'll pass".
You've been flooding your body with chemicals so it's only expected that the resulting imbalance while your body tries to regulate will have you feeling very fucked up. It will pass, I swear. But the thing you don't want to do is start putting more chemicals into your body
Give it some time, as another poster said--find things you used to enjoy. You may not get the enjoyment at first until your brain heals enough to produce its own feel-good chemicals. That takes a while and at times you have to force yourself to go through the motions. But eventually you'll get there and life alone will provide good feelings
Just reassure yourself that you are early in your journey and no one heals overnight. In fact--it's normal to not feel "normal"
The cocaine will make it worse though. I too turned to IV coke habits when coming off opiates and it ended up being a far more destructive habit.
Crying is a good sign that your numbed emotions may be starting to come back. After being blunted for some time they just sort of all came out at once. Nothing to be ashamed of
Just hang in there. If you keep at it you'll wake up one day and find you feel human again, and you feel pleasure in the little things. It just takes time and you can't rush that
That's one of the hard things on getting clean, and one you may have to consciously repeat to yourself--"it's a temporary feeling/it'll pass".
You've been flooding your body with chemicals so it's only expected that the resulting imbalance while your body tries to regulate will have you feeling very fucked up. It will pass, I swear. But the thing you don't want to do is start putting more chemicals into your body
Give it some time, as another poster said--find things you used to enjoy. You may not get the enjoyment at first until your brain heals enough to produce its own feel-good chemicals. That takes a while and at times you have to force yourself to go through the motions. But eventually you'll get there and life alone will provide good feelings
Just reassure yourself that you are early in your journey and no one heals overnight. In fact--it's normal to not feel "normal"
The cocaine will make it worse though. I too turned to IV coke habits when coming off opiates and it ended up being a far more destructive habit.
Crying is a good sign that your numbed emotions may be starting to come back. After being blunted for some time they just sort of all came out at once. Nothing to be ashamed of
Just hang in there. If you keep at it you'll wake up one day and find you feel human again, and you feel pleasure in the little things. It just takes time and you can't rush that
I'm alot of things, but I'm not stupid. Your right, I know the answer to my question. I mean smoking fucking crack isn't the answer to any problem I can think of(except for fiendining for crack). I did smoke it, but I'm gonna try and leave it alone. The buzz don't even last, no point at all. I've seen and known plenty of crack addicts so I know what this stuff can do, I justified it in my head that because its not physically addictive then go for it. But one thing being on subs has taught me, even though I'm not getting physical withdrawals, the psychological effects of drugs and psychological addiction are just as bad as physical withdrawal. I mean I'm glad I'm not rolling round on the floor with shit spraying out my ass(true story, try and cold turkey off a gram a day of H) but it ain't no walk on the park. Six years off this shit isn't going to get better in a couple of days, it's so obvious. My mind is just fried at the moment. Thanks to everyone who replied, you talk alot of sense.