Mental Health Feeling empty

[psyfiend]

So not long ago I was doing alright. Took a small break from the gym..due to injury. Was bored started doing drugs again.. small amounts of k and coke. Went out trying to get a gf. Finally recovered from injury felt great. Continued going out. Finally got a gf (poor girl . Runaway. no family). Lost her after 2 weeks.. wasnt even sad. More drugs to feel sad?. 2 weeks or so later got txt from an x (rich girl. A doctor) . Things were* ok*. Got bored though.... things felt almost same as back in the day. She dont want a real relationship .. not what i look for. Got bored. Started doing g. Coke. K . Did md aftet a year. Xanax. Had another friend who is beautiful but im not attrated to her either. Shes too big for me.. eh didnt bother. Started to chill randomly w another x. But nothing w her either just friends. I JUST WANT 1 REAL GF. Anyways i was hoping to move but my plans are sll fucked up. I dont know where to go. Ive missed a lot of work. Living off credit. Part of me wants to be sober again but i dont see the point everyone i know is on drugs. I live alone btw. I can only avoid contact w friends for so long or else i get bored. Im lost. I dont fall in love anymore either. I feel empty. I dont answer my phone when gfs call all the time i reply 2 days later or when family tries. Mainly when i was hi af. Im tired of Being awake. Alive.

 

[Wileyo86]

Don't let your feelings dictate your life. Sometimes being alone is good for you. You find yourself that way. Don't let your happiness be defined by someone else if you do you will never be happy and if you wanna sober up one day if you depend on someone to make u happy they will lead your relapse

 

[Tonberry King]

Sounds like you need to get back into a good hobby like you did with the gym. Take control of your habits and then worry about a gf. No woman wants an addict so idk what you are worrying about women for when you obviously have bigger priorities. You'll be fine just find you a good hobby to pour time into so you don't get so dang "bored" and result to blowing your money on stuff you don't need.

 

[psyfiend]

Yeah true about hobbies, I started the gym again today and I did practise painting to help pass the time or music. I'm ok when I'm busy, when I sit alone (I live alone for about 7/10 years btw)

Funny though these girls do more drugs then I do.. they usually give/share with me because they're "bored" too but when theyre not around I still want to get fucked up. And the dr treats drug addicts, so I hear about junkies and their problems often!

The girls do make me worry though, I have trouble keeping track of them now if they're doing ok or not. I guess part of me just wanted to wake up to one (she "the runaway" moved in earlier this year and she left after a few days?) and not have to go out (yeah they live far) or have to go to parties/ places (that could trigger relapsing). its time/money consuming.

Im doing better today, thanks for the replies and suggestions!

 

[herbavore]

You need to go deeper inside. Sure hobbies and even passions can fill some of the emptiness but then you run right back up against the hopelessness down the line. I'm not advocating religion but what about your spirit? Spiritual exploration is not about divinity (unless you want it to be) but about a deep, nourishing connection to something larger than yourself and your perceived world, more unknowable, outside of the needs and hungers of your ego. That is what I read underneath the words in your post.

 

[chompy]

I'm no expert but you sound like a drug-addled sex addict. Get back in the gym, lift heavy, eat right and repeat. Don't do the drugs, obviously they aren't helping you feel your real feelings so you can process what is going on in your life.

 

[psyfiend]

drug-addled sex addict. Get back in the gym, lift heavy, eat right and repeat.

Hah you got that right, sexaddict. I live close to sin city if that helps
I noticed your location "garage gym" other day thats my goal one day.. my gym kind of sucks.

Well I randomly went out one night to some "party" almost got a new gf.. didn't follow up on that yet :S. never bothered b4 I met her a yr ago she nice but she has a kid. I'm stupid, she's pretty.

I've been doing alright sober for like 9 days, dr invited out 2 times but I bailed (yes even to free drugs and sex / just found out shes going to rehab again) but I stayed home though made some art.

Except other day I caved and did something I shouldn't have ended up going through a psychosis (hearing voices of friends, 2 radio stations w/music, deja vu, etc) fml I had no sense of time went out in the rain wandered the street. I have a vague memory of this though, sleep/food deprivation. now Im stuck here asking myself wtf was that. hope that doesnt happen again, but I admit I did experience some moments of clarity afterwards.

 

[psyfiend]

You need to go deeper inside. Sure hobbies and even passions can fill some of the emptiness but then you run right back up against the hopelessness down the line. I'm not advocating religion but what about your spirit? Spiritual exploration is not about divinity (unless you want it to be) but about a deep, nourishing connection to something larger than yourself and your perceived world, more unknowable, outside of the needs and hungers of your ego. That is what I read underneath the words in your post.

I just saw your reply.. I think your on to something here considering I keep relapsing. I was hoping my art would take some of the pain away or means of expressing it or letting go things in the past/ memories/ "traumatic" events. I'm getting better at it. I did like 10-12hrs other day.

I'm not too religious atleast of an organized one... more of a Gaian mind, I do believe in a higher power. Yes I smoked dmt.

I hate having an ego, I've always preferred ego-less drugs, I used to take them regularly.. weekly/ monthly that was my trip when I was younger. I do read books about spiritual exploration or parts of them (randomly) they all seem to be the same from what I've noticed except the exercises are slightly different. I don't practice them regularly. I opened one of them other day it said don't listen to someone (mentor figure) who's always using or doing drugs. That's just like 95% of my acquaintances.

 

[herbavore]

Yeah, what a pain an ego is, eh? But necessary! I guess I have gotten to the age where everything is fascinating to me. When I was young I was attracted to the drugs that gave me a taste of the ego-less state of being. Probably because my ego was in hyperdrive--always worried about how I compared, how I fit in, etc. But that is a very necessary stage of childhood/adolescent development for humans. The problem is getting stuck there and make no mistake-- a consumer driven society wants you to get stuck there!

I still think the path away from that overwhelming emptiness is connecting to something larger than yourself. It might be dedicating yourself to others in some way. It might be simply spending lots of time alone in nature. Whatever the portal, your goal is to experience life beyond the limits of your own desires and needs. You don't need to deny yourself or your own hungers, you just don't want to be completely defined by them.

 

[psyfiend]

Ego is the worst... but it's what separates us from each other. ahh fuck society it doenst even make any sense here anymore.

Yeah, I do love nature... I haven't been to the forest in a while (it usually brings me back to feeling normal) but I've been trying to find the perfect place to live in the middle of fucking nowhere for a like a year now, so I can simply just step outside and be there already. Away from city lights and people. Just need to save some money for that, its not easy finding a good job out there unless I could work remotely.

Thanks for sharing, you have a good point of view on this