Mental Health Feeling absolutely low and hopeless

[glab]

Hello,
I have been on various antidepressants (lexapro,wellbutrin,remeron,tianeptine,cymbalta,anafranil,vortioxetine, ritalin for adhd) already and nothing "helps" me.
But I also don't know if drugs can even do much for me.
I think in my situation feeling hopeless is pretty normal. But the problem is I am totally anhedonic and have no motivation at all
to do anything. I have been on Adrugs for 3 years now and nothing gets better I only feel worse because time is working against me.
Times moves on and I am still where I was and the older I get the worse my situation becomes.

Some background information:
I'm in my 30ies, have a lot of health issues which doctors either can't help me with cause they find no clear cause or it's something which cannot be treated.
I have been severly depressed for 5 years since I got a really devastation diagnosis from a doctor that I have some kind of rare genetical syndrome which can
cause kidney tumors and other things. I have been anxious before that and when I got this diagnosis it made my fears of diseases even worse and my depression also
got much worse.
I have been studying social sciences for over 9 years now and due to my depression and also my fear of exams I have been unable to finish it and take the final exams
and I don't know if I ever can because my fears are only getting worse. On top of that I am already so old now that I feel like it really makes no difference if I can
finish studying or not. I mean how shall I explain this to anyone that I studied for such a long time? And who wants to hire somebody who is already that old?
I really don't have any idea what to do after studying at all even if I could finish it. This makes me feel absolutely hopeless.
I mean if I had a clear goal and knew that if I finish studying then I can get a certain job and then earn money and become independent then I would have more motivation
but I would still have the fear of the final exams.
The fear itself is already a gigantic problem. I mean this fear has been building up for years! Even years ago I was afraid of these exams cause I know that everything
depends on them. Imagine you study something for a decade and then you fail the final exams and that's it. I can't deal with this. I have nightmares about this all the time.
My personal feeling is that since I am so afraid of these exams it's basically hopeless that I can pass them. I mean when I lie in bed at night and think about the exams
then I already become afraid. Then how is this supposed to be when I'm really in the situation??
When the fear is already that big when the exams are still many months away then how it is supposed to be when they come closer?
I cannot take benzos daily for months only in order to somehow manage my anxiety. Every time when I wanted to take on the final exams and sign in for them I noticed
how my anxiety got dramatically worse and then I had to cancel the assignment.

Basically I have always been anxious and easily depressed. I was this way even as a child.
But the difference is that is when I was younger my life wasn't as messed up as it is now. I simply feel like there is nothing more to look forward to
cause everything is so grim and hopeless. When I think about the future I only see negative things and it really scares me. I am scared of life and feel
absolutely unable to take care of myself. I feel totally weak and anxious. And with my chronic depression I also cannot see myself doing any regular job.
When depression kicks in then I can hardly do anything and if I had to do work at the same time which also puts additional stress on me then I'd most likely
get a mental breakdown. I really don't know how this is supposed to go on.
Every day I think about how I'm supposed to provide for myself and I simply cannot think of an answer. My self-esteem is also totally low. I feel like an absolute
loser. I have nothing which I enjoy or which I am good at. And on top of that I also have a bad memory and a very narrow knowledge base. I have never been interested
in many things and things which don't interest me I also cannot remember.
I remember nothing I learned back in school. I couldn't even do calculations which they do in the 9th grade for example. I feel totally stupid. I don't know if it's the same
for other people but I also can't ask anyone cause this would be too awkward.

I feel like I have absolutely no identity. I have nothing which I am good at or which I like doing. And I also have not learned anything which is worth something out there
and which can be applied. This is absolutely terrible to deal with it makes me feel so worthless. And I struggle with these thoughts of worthlessness and hopelessness every
day and cannot defend myself against them. There are times where they are not so present and then there are times where these thoughts totally kick in and then I feel absolutely
miserable.

I tried psychotherapy a few times but it didn't help me. I was talking all the time about my situations and problems and the therapist hardly said anything. After the sessions
I felt more depressed than before. I was also afraid that I could become dependent on the therapist having him as my "friend" and the only person who "listens" to me. I saw this
as a danger, too, and then decided to quit.

I really don't know how to get out of this. The only way to drag myself out of depression would be to get some hope but I don't know how.
If I was 10 years younger then I could think maybe I can learn something new or study something new but now I am way too old for that and I am also in too bad physical
and mental shape.
I have not done any studying for months now. I know I needed to learn and prepare for the exams but I cannot get myself to do anything.
I hate learning and dealing with the stuff which I have to deal with. I don't know how to motivate myself to learn for something which I feel is useless to me
and which won't help me and which I also don't enjoy doing. I know I should ONLY focus on finishing studying and not think about anything else but I can't do this.
I cannot suppress these thoughts about what to do then and that even if I could finish studying it might not make any difference and I still might not get a job or be
able to work in a job.

My parents are also totally worried about me and my future and causing them so many sorrows makes me feel worse, too. I also can't really talk to them about how I feel
cause it would drag them down too much.

If I only had some hope which would give me strength to keep going. For example if I knew that once I am done with studying no matter if I succeed or not I can start something
new and leave the past behind then I'd have something to look forward to but I have no such thing.

 

[herbavore]

OP, I am really sorry to hear about the state you are in (and have been in for such a long time). It sounds like the general fear is what you are going to have to go deeply into and understand before you can heal. It is just latching on to whatever it can find in your life (a diagnosis that may, but may not, cause tumors and your courses and exams) but it is much bigger than any particular circumstance.

It is very kind of you not to want to "burden" your parents with the gravity and severity of what you are feeling but I urge you not to withhold this from them. They are carrying an even heavier burden in their worries because they feel helpless in the face of your anxieties and unhappiness. The most helpful thing you could do would be to tell your parents exactly what is going on and ask for their help in getting some counseling that they could occasionally be a part of as well. Learning how to best help you (from some joint counseling sessions) and knowing that you are seeking concrete help for something that has impacted your life for so long will be the best thing you can do for them. But really, you have to do this for yourself. I know that my nature is to hang on to fear. It's something I've struggled with all my life. I have found that counseling was a doorway that opened onto the path; the path itself has really just been the intention I have inside to reframe the way I look at things. It's a practice, not an overnight fix.

There is help out there so don't give up on your life. Hopelessness is a terrible self-fulfilling trap. Whatever you need to do to combat hopelessness and fatalistic thinking should be your first priority. Trite as it may sound, you really can't change anything that you do not believe can be changed. So changing that belief is the first step.

 

[P.o.T.u.S]

You seem to be looking on the outside when u have to look on the inside for the "hope" u crave..u have to face your fears or u will keep treading water..u are not to old for anything thats just an excuse..u never know what could happen,the job of your dreams could be right around the corner u just need to Put yourself out there..stop being your own worst enemy..at some point u just have to say screw it and dont listen to your fears and apply yourself in order to get what u want..the antidepressants are probably doing more harm than good

im sorry for your health issues and that makes life so hard but theres nothing u can do about that so u need to start living or u will just waste your life awAy..all this is easier said then done but i have a feeling u know what u have to do but u need a push and some encouragement..u can do this!!..start lifting yourself up instead of putting yourself down..best of luck brother

 

[glab]

Hello thanks for your replies.

I really can't talk openly to my parents cause they have enough issues already. I mean my father has many sorrows and can't sleep at night. If I told him how bad I feel then he would not be able to
sleep anymore at all. Also my mother worries a lot about me already. The thing is my parents cannot really help me. This is not a problem which they can simply solve or which they can rescue me from.
They also can't do anything.

I have tried therapy a few times and it was always a huge letdown! I felt like I was wasting my time and the "therapist" basically didn't care at all. I felt no empathy. I felt like they all simply
sit there and wait until the time is over. How is a stranger supposed to help me?
I got advice like "it's not as bad as you think it is" but stuff like that doesn not help me.

I mean even IF there would be solutions or even if other people in my shoes could stil somehow find a way to make it in life does not mean I can also do it!

I have always felt clueless and not really like I can make it in this world. It has always been like this.
I never knew what to do in life! I simply wanted to study something cause the university was less scary than getting a job. This is how it's always been for me.
I really don't feel capable of dealing with life. I'm scared of many things or feel uncomfortable and I also couldnt deal with stress like being in a job with much stress.
Something like this would drag me down so much that I couldnt take it very long.

I thought that if my low testosterone issues got fixed maybe I would feel more "manly" and stronger and less like a scared kid but I'm on TRT now and it does not affect this at all.

And then my sicknesses and my general tendency towards depression and melancholy also don't make it any easier for me. I am simply scared most of the time.
I fear being alone one day. I ask myself how am I supposed to make it on my own? And would this be a life worth living? Other people in my age have families or are married and
they have friends. I have none of that.

I have all these thoughts about my personal situation in my mind and even when I don't think about it then it still affects me.

Antidepressants also don't seem to help me. I thought maybe they could at least help with the anxiety and melancholy but they all sucked.

One therapist said I needed depth therapy which would take me years! I felt like he only wanted to rip me off. I can't say what the source of my fears
are. I only know I have had fears since childhood. But I see no sense in depth therapy. Even if I could find causes of my fears it wouldn't change anything
and I also do not have the time and money to go to a therapist for years without knowing if it'll help at all.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

^ Find another therapist.

 

[pentouch]

How much do you think about your problem?
And which fears you have from your childhood and which ones came in adulthood?

 

[Burnt Offerings]

OP, there most definitely are other people in your shoes. Myself, for one. I know what it's like to suffer from constant, generalized (and specific) fear...I also suffer from a medical condition, and there have been times when the fear has been so great that it's literally the only thought in my head all day long. The anxious, gnawing fear was the first thing in my head when I woke up, the last thing I thought about before going to sleep. It's a Hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I also related to that bit about your parents, as my parents worry quite a bit about me and my mom suffers from pretty bad depression which she's struggled with her whole life.

I do agree with other posters about finding a new therapist, if you are able. There are LOTS of different traditional and non-traditional options as far as treating depression goes, and according to a psychopharmacology textbook I own, the success rates at treating mental ailments like clinical depression are comparable to the success rates of treating physical ailments like hypertension and diabetes. You just need to find the right approach which works for you.

In the mean time, I'll tell you something that someone told me which I found very valuable. Try to focus on the present and not dwell on either the future or past. Of course you need to take those time frames into account from time to time, but make the conscious choice to push negative predictions about your future from your mind when they arise. I suffer from this phenomenon too and, while it takes work to overcome, it absolutely can be done.

 

[glab]

Hi everyone,

I really don't know if I can try another therapist. Soon I have to switch insurances and then I have a bad insurance and this will also decrease my chances of finding a therapist cause then you have
waiting times up to 1 year!
I also don't know a good therapist and simply going by the yellow pages is way too risky. Then you end up going to 50 therapists which suck and get burned out. For me going to a therapist stressed
me out even more cause after each session I was confused and upset and needed to talk to someone else simply to get an opinion on wether the therapists sucks or not!

I'm scared of going to therapists cause it's a risk. It can make you feel worse or even cause dependence on the therapist as someone who gives you support and positive feedback.

I know that thinking about the future is not good. There are days where all these fears and thoughts are not so present. But then there are days where it totally hits me and then I feel like it's all
absolutely hopeless and I think to myself why even go on with this cause you know that it can never work out. I mean I cannot ever see myself being happy or being in a place where I can say that
ultimatively everything worked out.
I mean I am anxiety-ridden, have depressions, have no job and my parents are also getting older and I think to myself what shall I do one day when I'm alone? I feel like if this happens I might go insane.
I also have nightmares pretty often which display my fears. I dream about things like water coming into the house and I cannot stop it or a flood coming and I can't stop it. Even when I do not think
about my situation and my fears they are still present.

And then I also have my own health issues. I have been worried about diseases ever since. But doctors made fun of me and treated me like a hypochondriac. And then a few years ago I got an absolutely
crushing diagnosis that I have a rare genetical syndrome which can cause kidney tumors and pneumothorax of the lung! Can you imagine how this felt?
And now I am even more worried cause I have many health issues and no doctor can help me and now I think what if I have even more rare conditions which doctors simply don't know?
How shall I feel "healthy" or secure now?
I absolutely cannot deal with this. It has been years since the diagnosis and it still affects me the same way. And what's also bad is that I am constantly reminded of it cause one symptoms of this
syndrome is fibromas on the skin and I have hundreds of these fibromas on my back and chest this means every time I take my shirt of and just look at my back in the mirror which I try to avoid
I instantly become depressed and hopeless and feel miserable for days.

How shall I deal with this? What if I simply can't deal with it? One therapist told me I just have to accept it. Great advice.

Also the antidepressants which I tried do not help with this at all. Every time I am confronted with something which scares me I get acute anxiety and just feel miserable and totally exhausted.

 

[manboychef]

It seems like you shoot down everyone's advice. If you have a defeated attitude then you will never know what you can achieve.

Have you tried positive self talk? Look in the mirror and say the things that you know are good about yourself. Also, talk to your parents. Mental illness is generally helped quite a bit by having a support network.

Remember this. If you change nothing, nothing changes.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

With a disease like that, what is there left to do other than just try to roll with the punches as best you can?

I am type 1, autoimmune diabetic. It developed in my mid 20s, and there is absolutely no genetic link to it in my family history (with no genetic link, there is a 0.5% chance of contracting type 1 diabetes). It's an incurable disease in which one of the things you need to keep yourself alive, food, also kills you...and I'm reminded of the fact that I have it every day as well, because I have to stick needles into myself. Autoimmune disorders also have the lovely possibility of manifesting in the body's other vital processes, too, so one must constantly tread the line between paranoia and the knowledge that there's something seriously wrong with you, IN REALITY.

So yeah, I know what it's like. I remember walking my dog down the street and sobbing a day after being diagnosed...it was at night but I didn't give a shit if anyone saw me crying anyway. The idea of having a lifelong disease was unfathomable to me at that point. It was crushing. But you can't just roll over and say "I surrender!" There are people out there with problems WAAAAY worse than yours or mine who still find value and meaning in life...you may think that your situation is permanent but it's NOT permanent, just as all your other previous situations in life were ultimately transient. Sometimes life changes for the worse but sometimes it also changes for the better.

 

[only]

I have also sufferered deeply from depression, and anxiety and panic disorder. I went through a 2 year sobriety and was in a bit of a hardcore cultish aa group that just made me focus on my shame and guilt.

the only thing I found helpful at the time was watching Eckhart tolle videos, who is basically just a guy who was going to kill himself and supposedly became enlightened. whether you think it's bullshit or not, his philosophies can really work, IMO, more than anything ive ever found.

another thing I've found, is after I left aa and got some time away, I realized that no matter how much I punished myself and shamed myself, it would never stop. it leads nowhere. so now, I just try to do the good thing, when I fuck up I allow myself to be ashamed for a bit, but mostly I truly do not give a shit.

everyone has their own unique story and struggle. the pain can lead to peace. you have to also flick the switch for these exams. I don't know if its the best idea, but modifinil is a good, non addictive study aid. may help you focus, because at the moment your mind seems to be full of distracting negativity, its your pain and fear, and it is looking for more pain and fear.

it's fukn hard living in this rat race superficial world when you have mental health issues. I feel it .

I really wish you the best mate