Mental Health feelin' shitty all the time

[salpairadice]

I wrote out a long, probably boring diatribe about myself but it logged me off and I lost it, I'll try to keep this one shorter.

So I don't know if it's part of growing up or what but I haven't felt happy in a long time. I used to get fired up about things, have interests, enjoy meeting people and socializing. Now I have anxiety, boredom, depression, weird tendencies. Does everyone feel like this, is it normal? Do we all live short and disappointing lives all while deluding ourselves that everything is okay? I feel like I can't appreciate humor anymore. At first I chalked it up to drug abuse, mainly opiates. So I stopped and it didn't help. Tried benzos, helped for a while, felt like I was starting to get a dependence so I stopped. I have a mildly addictive personality but know when to call it quits (at least temporarily). Tried exercise, healthy eating, supplements of all sorts, nootropics, spirituality. I have enough weed, hydrocodone, kratom, phenibut, heroin, ghb, ketamine, shrooms, meth, and various benzos to get a room full of people very fucked up but I don't feel like taking any of it.

I don't think it's sex (or lack of). I have a sex life that fits me, about once a week which is all I ever desire. I have sort of an aversion to relationships. I just want to feel normal is all, to be at peace with my place in the world. I can't even hardly read anymore, one of my old favorite pastimes. What do you guys think? Am I not challenging myself enough maybe? Does anyone have similar feelings? Sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, or if I shouldn't have posted it at all. Just feeling extra down today, and most days, and I'd like to understand why.

 

[tripnotyzm]

Hang in there buddy.
Sometimes we go through rough patches in our life, and these times can be harsh reflections of abuse, drug & alcohol use, or other nasty experiences..
Which should eventually straighten out as time goes on.
It would be a wise idea to stay clean until you are feeling better... In most cases, drug abuse tends to build up great masses of depression.
It seems like you are already aware of this anyway..
I really hope you feel better soon..
Get familiar with The Dark Side.. There is always a great amount of support here

 

[SkagKush]

This is most definitely the right place salpairadice! The way you are feeling is very normal, so I would not worry yourself about that, but that does not mean you have to live this way. One question I have for you is when did you stop using opiates, benzos and other drugs?

PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) can take awhile to get over, and the key is to just continue to push through and try to better yourself each and every day. I would keep up the the healthy diet and exercise because this will play a huge factor in your recovery. Have you been to see a doctor at all? If your struggling this is something that can be imperative for your mental health.

Sending love,
SkagKush.

 

[herbavore]

While I think it is totally normal to feel the way you are feeling, it still raises red flags. When you start to feel that bone deep apathy, you need to take action. The first thing is to not give in to the temptation to see it as a permanent state, or something "wrong" with you. When something is out of balance in the body, you get an ache or an illness. When something is out of balance in the spirit, the manifestation is depression and apathy. You can use this symptom to be honest with yourself. Are you following your own path, or what you have been led to believe should be your path? Are you afraid? If so, of what? I once made a list of everything I was afraid of. It was surprisingly long and taught me a lot about myself that I really needed to know.

i think that it is useful for young people to know that this uncertainty and questioning, this discomfort with life is a part of life. It usually visits many times during a person's lifetime. If you can train yourself to listen to it and not try to cover it up or run away from it or numb it, it can be very useful in creating more times of peace and connection and outright happiness.

 

[Get2Think]

I think it's just the the state America is in right now, and the world pretty much. Things just aren't as good as they use to be. I dunno about others, but people seem much more stressed out and hurtin' out there than 10 years ago. And all the shootings and what not, I really do think people are just not as happy as they use to be because their standard of living has gone down and their bombarded w/ bad news all the time. Or maybe thats just me, ha.

 

[salpairadice]

It's been going on for a few years, before I ever abused opiates or benzos. And the only time I feel better is on opiates though it always ends up with abuse and drastically affects my sex drive, appreciation for music, and memory all of which I value.

I haven't had any opiate dependency really since sometime last year. For most of last month I used kratom pretty much every day but stopped when it was fucking with my digestion. Didn't seem to get much withdrawal from it. I was taking benzos for a couple weeks earlier this year as well every two or three days, long acting ones like diazepam and nitrazepam though so that could have had something to do with. Other than that I've kept my benzo use sparse as I never really liked the effects that much. But aside from a little more anxiety, cessation didn't seem to have any other profound effects. I was also using heroin most of last week which I know accounts for how I'm feeling now but this is a constant thing, through my periods sobriety.

I've wanted to see a therapist or something for a long time but can't afford it, I live paycheck to paycheck. I'm kind of a drug hoarder which is why I have so many drugs.

 

[herbavore]

You have to give yourself a long clean time before you can safely assume that this isn't at least in part drug related. even if it existed before drug use, drugs and coming off drugs is definitely a contributing factor.

 

[salpairadice]

I realize it doesn't help but how long? months? years? I've gone months without, no problem, I even mostly quit weed because it wasn't helping me anymore. I seemed to feel better for a while but quickly regressed. But I like your advice, herbavore, thank you. and everyone who has replied. Sorry, I know my problems are probably no big deal to some or don't compare. I don't really think about suicide (often..). It's just been eating at me for a while. I feel like a variation of the "first world problems" meme now.

 

[izzy66]

you have a lot of company who feel much of what you're describing.
the one thing that really stood out to me was your search for relief, for lack of a better word, seems centered on finding something outside of yourself to ease your distress.
i almost wanna slap myself for saying this cuz it sounds so cliche but here goes-
there is nothing you can put "in" that will reveal a solution. the solution begins within you. all the outside "stuff" is ultimately hollow and can no more "fill" you than a bucket w/ a hole in the bottom can be filled w/ water. alone in the dark, get down w/ your bad self, let the tears roll, let the pain flow through you, feel everything you fear and know that everything you need to see you through bad times and good is already in place, it's in your heart, in your soul.
your perspective, your point of view, will become different and things will change. takes time, don't know any way to make it move faster, but time will bring changes in how you experience life in this world.
i'm older than dirt, dumb as a post, frequently a tad crazy, and there is nothing special about me but getting through a lot of crap has taught me that i will get through again. and again. and again. just knowing that much, and believing it, has allowed moments of peace and even though they fade, i know another moment of peace will come around and that allows me to slap a smile on. most days.
hold on brother, it will come around to you too. of that much, i am sure, sure, sure.
-izzy

 

[salpairadice]

But how do you look inside yourself, or look at yourself objectively, so you can make changes? Maybe I have just been numbing my mind but don't tons of people do the same thing and feel just fine? If I let go and allow myself to feel and cry it seems to get worse and I just feel sad for a long time. I try to figure out how I was thinking when I felt the best, full of enthusiasm and idealism, but trying to replicate it seems impossible. How do you find the motivation to really look at yourself and decide to change? The desire is there but I can't carry it out, I have to try as hard as I can to leave my bed and take on each day.

 

[herbavore]

i'm older than dirt, dumb as a post, frequently a tad crazy, and there is nothing special about me but getting through a lot of crap has taught me that i will get through again. and again. and again. just knowing that much, and believing it, has allowed moments of peace and even though they fade, i know another moment of peace will come around and that allows me to slap a smile on. most days.
hold on brother, it will come around to you too. of that much, i am sure, sure, sure.
-izzy

gotta say, I love you for the above quote, izzy!

 

[izzy66]

^thank you, herby

OP,
I don't know "how" and sincerely don't believe anyone can tell anyone else "how" to "fix" the many and variable internal maladies most humans experience. Even if I knew you as well and deeply as one human can know another, I still could not tell you "how" to arrive at the destination you seek. I am, however, quite certain that you can find your way -because your distress is greater than your ability to quash it- and that much is a huge positive.
When? When you least expect it and have essentially "given up"... I'm pretty sure about that one too.
I personally did not have the choice to pull up the covers and stay in bed which caused much anger and resentment. Some aspects of the situation were self-created, some were caused by circumstances way beyond my influence. That daily 4 a.m. dose of anger and resentment drove me and destroyed me for years, decades. The toll on that route is high indeed.
I don't mean for this babble to be all conundrum and cliche. Discussions like this certainly can and do descend into one cliche after another. Why? Because there is so much common ground w/in human internal experiences and because those experiences so often defy our ability to attach words and effectively communicate "the answers", if any common "answers" even exist. Your specific answers are dependent on experiences and situations unique to you.
What I am so clumsily trying to say is that you -can- find a way to some amount of peace and satisfaction. It is most definitely fleeting, frustratingly difficult to hold onto, but is within that sea of possibility most humans dip into. I am quite sure I never -truly- smiled until I was at least 40 years old. I'm not saying that to discourage in any way, rather in amazement that I, a miserable, angry, resent-filled wicked bitch, actually smiled and felt "it" which I had no experience with and no name for until realizing... "umm, maybe this is that "happy" thing." I grew -a- smile wrinkle because, as a miserable...., I smile lopsided and, despite all the anger and pessimism I cultivated and held onto fiercely, I still smiled, felt, and continue on occasionally to this day. It was and is a major surprise, one I had given up on and decided was just plain bullshit being slung around by people with their heads up their collective asses. For now, knowing -and believing- that the possibility exists will sustain you until the day you unexpectedly truly smile and feel whatever "it" may be for you.
Ok, I have slapped myself in the head for you cuz this kind of "oh it'll happen for you" crap causes that reaction but, despite my tendency to scream "BS!!!", "it" did happen once upon and, in my utter amazement and occasional disbelief, continues to happen to this day. Hang in and hang on.

I'm off for a bit of dental torture and, for this day, happy I have teeth to be tortured.
Carry on...
-izzy

 

[StarlaTheImmortal]

@salpairadice - I have the same_exact_issues that you're talking about. A lot of it has to do with serotonin production in the brain. Serotonin has more roles in our body than you'd think... Everything from digestive health to (of course) happiness.

I have an addictive personality, I guess you could say. But I am also in chronic pain (fibromyalgia, Lyme Disease, hip/back issues...). I do not feel "normal" unless I am on some type of opiate. I can't function at ALL.
What I've found after research is that your brain becomes dependent on the drug to produce the seratonin. If you have been on it long enough, your brain just stops producing it, so when you go off it you feel like absolute SHIT. I deal with that all the time (Check out my blog if you want, "The Highs and Lows of Living" http://starlatheimmortal.tumblr.com/ )

I think it is important to address the chemical imbalances we have in our brain.

Do you have a doc you see?? Are you on any meds or supplements like 5-HTP? (5-HTP actually turns INTO seratonin in the brain... It would be a good place to start. You buy it OTC and it's pretty cheep....)

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Why do you have an aversion to relationships?

 

[salpairadice]

First off, thank you everyone who has replied. I haven't been part of a forum community in a long time but I'm astounded at how helping everyone is here and willing to take time to read, think, and reply.

Starla - I'm sorry about your pain, that sounds awful. It's funny you should mention serotonin and digestive health though, I have been having some digestive issues lately and was recently diagnosed with GERD. It's almost a blessing in disguise because it keeps me (mostly) away from opiates as the constipation is upsetting. I have tried 5-HTP but not for any long period of time and I'm not certain if it helped. I think it was also at a particularly bad point that I tried it so maybe I'll have to give it another go. Rhodiola seemed to help for a while though.

Izzy - You said your dumb but your posts suggest anything but, you seem to have it figured out for you and that's great. I think you're right and hopefully I can figure out my own way in time.

Cap'n H (can I call you that?) - I'm not really sure about that one. I just really don't like getting involved, it always feels forced and not right. I'm sort of seeing a girl right now who's very supportive but I feel like I can't give back to her what she gives to me and I feel bad about it, if that makes sense.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Cap'n H (can I call you that?) - I'm not really sure about that one. I just really don't like getting involved, it always feels forced and not right. I'm sort of seeing a girl right now who's very supportive but I feel like I can't give back to her what she gives to me and I feel bad about it, if that makes sense.

Yes you can call me that.

It's hard for you to know what she's getting out of your relationship with her, so don't worry about what she gets out of it.

Just take your time with getting to know people. I rarely dive right in when making a new friend but it's also a nice approach for when you meet someone who is real quality.

Have you considered therapy?

 

[BettyRage]

I've wanted to see a therapist or something for a long time but can't afford it, I live paycheck to paycheck. I'm kind of a drug hoarder which is why I have so many drugs.

What are the resources in your area? I have several universities in my town, and they always have students who are practicing. My feeling is that you have just as much luck with a student as you do with the general population of certified therapists. What about city or county mental health services? Maybe you've already thought of all that.

 

[salpairadice]

I do live in a smallish college town and I've thought of that before, might be a good idea. There is another option to explore therapy-wise but I just don't know if it would be any help. If they're anything like the other doctors I've seen it'd just be "here's your prescription. NEXT!" I don't want to go on SSRIs, just want someone who can listen and provide encouraging, intelligent feedback. Guess I'll just have to give it a try, problem is I'm also wary of wasted time.

Checked out your blog, Cap'n. I can relate a lot, and you seem to have run the gamut of drugs. I also have anxiety and panic attacks, used some meth, dope, etc. I can't stand the comedowns so it's not too tempting to me but I keep some around because I find it more effective than adderall.

Also checked yours Starla, if I had tumblr i'd follow but can't really get into the whole thing. I like the idea, I'd just never post anything.

I took some shit today, helped get through work but now I'm back to where I was.

 

[StarlaTheImmortal]

@salpairadice

That's funny that you called Captain.Heroin "Cap'n H" because that's exactly what I called him Ha ha!

Thank you for checking out my Tumblr account... That makes me feel special I really don't have anyone to talk to out here in the boondocks of southern WI, and our car is dead, so the internet is really my only community.

About your issues; You might just need to try doc after doc until you find a good one (psychologists can sometimes be very helpful. If you get a good one, (like mine), they will actually listen to you AND be able to give you Rx's if you need them).
I am really bad at follow-through, that's why I haven't been able to get help for a lot of issues I have. I'll go to a doc, then just stop for no reason. I'm trying to get in and work with my psychiatrist though, because she is the BEST I have ever had. She listens, gives me feedback, and works with me.

Anyway, good luck to you.