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Feelin like ill never get it right..........Trapped

J

jake99

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Jan 29, 2009
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I am afraid to say what is going on with me because i know people on here are going to say "oh its just jake again he is just a screwup who will never get better" but I dont know where else to turn anymore . I cant turn to my family , i cant seem to get the help i need at aa/na and i dont feel like i have anyone i can be honest with without them getting pissed at me or telling me "oh well deal with it yourself" im scared of whats gonna end up happening if i dont make some changes but i feel like im stuck and theres no way out
 
what's your current living situation ? How do you support it ? How long can you continue in this style of life ?

Let's start where we can and work from there bro, I don't mind hearing you out buddy.
 
well im not sure what ur asking so i cant help you there.

but you shouldnt be afraid to be honest with people. especially your friends. whatever is going on with you will eventually work itself out bro:) everyone goes through highs and lows so just tough through it and i gaurentee you it will get better<3

plur,
-Nick
 
It's good to open up man. You might sometimes be surprised how understanding people can be. And if they judge harshly, then let them judge, that has more to do with them than you. Hope you are doing okay.
 
i did aa/na by myself for some time and kept relapsing at a hopeless rate, disconnected from the majority of my family and all my friends.. horrible anxiety bringing about a devastatingly redundant depressive undercurrent that in conjuction made me unable to function(for this I suggest talking to a professional, for me it was just a matter of finding the right one).. if its a matter of being completely clean, i did a 30 day stretch at rehab a while back and found that within its construct i found people i could trust and empathize with unlike i had experienced in any other environment previously. this led to me opening up and thus being able to construct a sober existence out of materials I never even realized were available. i also have friends who were not insured and there for unable to go to rehab but have found contentment within mmt (maybe you have already tried this? i know i remember you saying you where on suboxone at one point in time) due to suboxones perceived inadequacies (as they and I had found it so). The maintenance program turned out to be a foundation of normalcy that they where then able to be creative with and move proactively forward. As far as people, not everyone will shit on you like it seems most would, its just a matter of displaying an outstretched hand and then explaining that you are drowning with a quickness(this to can take some time, don’t despair..). as a beacon of hope I will say there is no need to throw in the towel when there are so many avenues in which we have yet to traverse or even conceptualize(though i understand if you do not see this as being so, for i wouldnt have believed it eather during the eight years i was addicted to i.v. heroin), maybe its even that your next few steps will lead you to a more desirable path. best advice ive received to this day is try and be sober today, and worry about tomorrow tomorrow. Best of luck bro, you do not struggle alone, or even uniquely..
 
Is there any way that you can move to another place? I was on opiates for a while, and was able to stop when I moved to an area where they were not around. Sure, if I pryed hard enough I may have been able to find something, but probably not the amount that would hold me long. If you live close to dope, it's so damn easy to give in to temptations. But if you live far away and get a temptation, then there is a good chance that it may pass while you try to plan out a 5 hr ride to try to cold cop in some area you heard has D.
 
I agree with Tommyboy. Moving is almost surely what kept me sober during the first few months.. its hard to relapse when you don't know where to get anything. I don't think I could of quit if I knew there was dope up the block.

After a while it does get easier if you can avoid relapse in the first few months.

I was trying to quit for years unsuccessfully and after moving I have almost a year clean.

Also, don't be afraid to share man. This board is here for support.. it is hard to get support if no one knows what you are going through. Addiction is a hell of a beast of relapse isn't something to ashamed of. It happens.. if anyone understands that it is us.

Best of luck.
 
Hope everything is ok jake. I also tried to quit for years and I moved around to get away from heroin. The problem was there was dope everywhere I moved [nyc, cali, vermont, etc.] and I just continued to struggle but I was always high and had money given to me so it didnt seem like a struggle per say. So I came back to Chicago and I wanted to get clean [kinda] it took me a long time to be ok with knowing heroin could be had with the snap of my fingers.

Even wanting to get clean didnt keep me clean. I really dont even know what happened, it was definitely a process of washing that mindset out of my head, na/aa definitely helped in that aspect. Believe it or not I went to a meeting almost everyday for 2 years, still go although I have cut way back on meetings. There were 2 things that were going to happen if I continued to use: death or prison. Those were irrelevant to me, I didnt care about anything and that was a problem. Thinking back to my heavy using days astounds me concerning what my state of mind was like, so twisted and sick. Sometimes I will be laying in bed and all of a sudden ugly shit I did pops into my head and I literally feel disturbed and immediately block those thoughts out before I start to dry heave.

Like villan said dont worry about posting here. It helps. Keep on trying jake.
 
now im real confused because i got my ex sponser from n.a. who wants to sponser me again but im not even sure if he knows i havent even been able to kick yet............
 
I don't know man, just be honest with him. At this point in the game, it becomes too exhausting to keep up with your own lies.

I feel that honesty is one of the most important factors in staying clean. Once you draw that line of not lieing, it's makes the rest a whole lot easier.
 
yea i am so sick of lying and hiding it .................feel like im hiding from the whole world . im afraid to check my phone because ill have to see someone else i lied to
 
Tommyboy723 said:
I don't know man, just be honest with him. At this point in the game, it becomes too exhausting to keep up with your own lies.

I feel that honesty is one of the most important factors in staying clean. Once you draw that line of not lieing, it's makes the rest a whole lot easier.
Click to expand...

I totally agree with this. I think once you can say for certain that you will not lie to a single other person regarding your use, things will get a lot easier. Unfortunately it's not something I have been able to do yet...
 
Jake what you going thru man.. Please share cause it might help someone else like myself to know im not the only one fucking up.
 
Jake I hear Ya.. I got my hands on a few subs but they arnt working 100%
The withdrawl is breaking thru.

Im woundering if since weve been on subs then off and repeating that Im woundering if they lose their magic???
 
yeah because i remember when i hadnt been on them before and had a smaller habit , they worked really good...............not i just dont like how they make me feel..............its a really unconfortable feeling. much rather quit with methadone if i could . i know one detox that uses methadone
 
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