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Feel so alone, can anyone relate?

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miss_dee27

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 10, 2013
Messages
15
Location
Ontario, CA
Okay so I am new the bluelight, although I have been referencing this website for awhile now for a variety of reasons. Recently I have been on a downward spiral with drugs. And as you can ALL guess, its opiates. Stupid fucking PAIN MEDICINE. The only thing in the world I know that can cause this much pain yet relieve it as well. Well to get to the point, I was taking percocet 5/325 4 times daily on a monthly basis, until it wasnt doing anything because good ol tolerance settled in. I went to my doctor with my concerns but he dismissed them and I stayed on the same regimin. Well, I ended up getting extremely depressed for a variety of reasons and was in constant pain every single day. I started buying hydromorph contin (18 mg capsules). I was taking anywehere from 4-5 a day. I have onlly been taking those for about 3 months now but the percocets much longer. I realized a couple days ago that I had a serious problem..im not going to get into details but i will say its just one of those things where you realize you just cant do it anymore. My three year old had a huge part in that.
Today is my first day clean, and im sitting here balling my eyes out typing this because im so ANGRY at myself for letting these pills get the better of me. I should have known what was coming after months of being on them. And switching to a different medicine without doctors approval wtf was i thinking. The point is, i am withdrawing cold fuckin turkey and i am in a sense GLAD. I hope this teaches me a lesson never to underestimate the power of a pill, and that there is no miracle fix for everyday aches and pains and to just live with it. I miss not being on pills...i miss being able to spend time with my kid without fucking pills. Another point to this, has anyone ever went through withdrawal while having to take care of their child/children. IM on my first day and while it sucks im alright with her. I know the worst is yet to come but i really have no choice i have NO ONE to watch her overnight, take her for the day etc. So has anyone out there dealt with this? I have not read any threads yet about this and I hope i posted in the correct spot and did not break any rules.
Thanks to everyone whose willing to read and respond... i guess i just need people to tallk to and to keep busy. :(
 
Hi miss_dee27 welcome to Bluelight. Some of us here have experienced withdrawal and were successful. I can understand that this is a tough moment in your life right now but with time and patience you will be able to surpass this. Do your best to stay away from the drug and live a healthier life. What I would suggest is spend as much time with your child as much as possible and go to places and yes keeping yourself busy so that you can keep your mind away from your withdrawal. Seek therapy as well if need be as this will also help you. I wish for a faster recovery for you <3

We also have a Healthy Living Forum where you can read some threads about managing pain etc and exercising and eating healthy and I believe that this will also help you in your recover:

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/forums/161-Healthy-Living

good luck :)
 
Hey I have a two year old n im decreasing my dose slowly. My husbands locked up so Im kinda like a single parent n its hard. Still, I love my daughter more than anything, shes the best. Anyway, its hard to care for kids when youre half dope sick, and because im a fast metabolizer I feel the decreases. If youre going completely cold turkey its gonna be hard/impossible to care for your child. Try to take it easy and have her color, watch tv, look at books, stuff like that. And im always here if you want some help. Good luck!
 
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i've had a lot of friends who tried to get sober for their kid and to be brutally honest most of them couldn't stay clean longer than 2 months at the most but best of luck to you it can be done but you have to want it for yourself even more or at least just as much as you want it for your kid or it's likely to fail
 
Congratulations on actually realizing you needed to change! Opiates can seem like your best friend AND worst enemy at the same time. You can be the strongest willed person in the world and they will bring you to your knees. Don't feel too down on yourself although it is a very easy thing to do during w/d. I've w/d from suboxone and fentanyl on separate occasions and I always get the worst anxiety and depression, constantly thinking about all the mistakes I've made in life (some completely irrational). It's just your brain being in limbo bc its not having those feel good chemicals anymore. But overtime with abstinence, you brain will start to produce its own neurotransmitters again and you will get back to feeling normal. I would also recommend tapering your dose down slowly to avoid intense w/d instead of cold turkey. It will give your body time to adjust and ease you into sobriety.

You need to keep in mind that you're not just doing this for you but for your daughter! She doesn't deserve a half-time relationship and neither do you. The best thing to do is treat you and your kid to a stay-at-home movie day/s. Watching tv shows/movies always help get your mind off w/d a bit. Buy lunch, bring it home, and watch a movie you will both enjoy. Repeat. Good luck with everything!
 
Ohhh you guys here are so supportive and you don't even know me!:-( I've never really had anyone to talk to about this because it is a huge secret no body knows what I take its how often I take it because i'm so ashamed...unfortunately I relapsed. I was almost through with day number two but I just couldn't do it..I couldn't even get up to make my daughter lunch Ifelt so disgusted. I feel even worse now that I have to restart the process. I think you're right crest fallen I need to taper down so these wds don't kick my ass so suddenly because I have a three year old child to tend to. Honestly if I could have gotten s baby sitter I think I would have made it through. maybe...I don't know. I ended up getting only one hydromorph and split it intovery small doses just to feel ok..I think i'm going toneed to seek professional help with this one. I highly doubt I need methadone our suboxone because my daily doses of opiates weren't THAT high..but I think ill need to wait until I have a babysitter and some more otc medicine. I need to tell someone a well I guess so I have a friend to be with me and talk me through things. Thanks for listening guys...I feel so ashamed..i'm letting down my daughter every single Fucking day and I hate it..I wantmy life back guys so bad :-(
 
being the son of addict parents definitely influenced me to use drugs idk how old your daughter is but please for the both of your stakes quit before it's too late
 
She just turned three,and yeah my dad was an addict as well. And I do plan on quitting. I just want to make sure I do it properly I don't want to relapse a thousand times I just want it to be done with...
 
Kinda speed read through so my response may be inaccurate.
I couldn't really discern whether you have a legitimate ongoing situation where opioid pain meds are an ongoing given. Ie broken back/ Nasty arthritis ect...
Doing it for the kids is a normal rational reason but as stated above I believe you have to want it for yourself. Sounds selfish but its true.
Can u get the opioid meds into a manageable ongoing regiment? Can you deal with the constant pain and not over medicate ?
If not, then maybe Suboxone is a good short to medium term idea. As long as you don't have to travel and the bupe dr is generous with take aways and doesn't start you on a rediculious dose which is a real possibility unfortunately its a pretty good drug for what it is... I'd advise against methadone but a dose of 2-6mg of suboxone daily (no more) could be very helpful in that it doesn't really make u high and prevents one from the ability to do so unless you go down the needle route which it doesn't seem like will happen.
My 2 cents
 
Sorry to read of your situation, I know that feeling especially in the morning when you can't even put a proper thought together, so getting out of bed seems so futile. But your baby needs you and I'm sure you'll be there for her. As others pointed out the need for pain relief is a decision for you to tackle, I hope you resolve it satisfactorily. Keep busy is the best advice I can offer and if you can't keep up with the little one I'm sure she she will understand even at three that mommy doesn't feel well, and in no time you'll be on your feet again playing games, moving ahead. Good luck girl, stay tough, you'll both get over this in due time. Happy thoughts are in your mind, find them.
 
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