Feel Like Other Women Are An Issue For No Basis

[KattyKorner]

So I know the title is confusing, but I feel that my girlfriend has and still does have crippling insecurity about other women. She was cheated on in a previous relationship, and while that is totally understandable to have that still hurting and affecting her, I think it is being put unjustly onto me

From my perspective I have never been over the line with any woman. Ever. No flirtatious talk, no treating special, nothing.

She feels differently. There is one thing that comes up about how I treat "blue" better and texted her inappropriately. Blue (she has blue hair, it's her nickname, I didn't give it to her) is someone I work with, who i am strictly friends with. Never crossed any sort of boundary or behaved indecently towards. My girlfriend still holds feelings over the one time Blue snapped at me a bit, then texted (I have her number as we are friends, and also for work stuff I need her to do) an apology. I replied, saying to paraphrase and mostly get exact "it's ok, I get it, you're the spice of life, this place wouldn't be the same without you."


I can see how this would make her uncomfortable, and I addressed this before, saying that I get it, there aren't any feelings there, we are pretty good friends (been over to her and her husband's house for a cookout) and I can see that maybe that was a bit too much. I told her I would not be that way again, that I'd keep things more professional and appropriate. I tried to accomodate her feelings, even though I felt it was a bit ridiculous for her to literally be screaming and crying in a fight over this.


That's the only thing that maybe, maybe, might have crossed a line. She has literally gotten and "had" to leave from a breakfast at a restaurant because "my voice changed" when I spoke to the waitress. The only way it could have changed is because I was amused that the waitress didn't acknowledge or know she knew me, as she was a friend's girlfriend from several years back. Again, there weren't coy words, or different behavior. Treated her just as I would any other waitress.

Whenever we have a fight, about half the time or more she brings up "other women" and that infuriates me, because I feel I haven't been inappropriate at all. I get accused often of something I legitimately don't think I am guilty of. I understand that how I feel doesn't mean her feeling are not valid, but at some point, I don't think she is fair or right to say I've been inappropriate with women.

She even got mad when a female coworker texted a very ok, very appropriate emoji, (think it was like an exhausted face from having to deal with some work stuff) basically saying it was inappropriate that they are texting me emojis? Just to say, I have equal amount of male numbers, there is just a good mix of the sexes here, and I have to have lots of peoples' numbers for work. I don't text them outside work.

I feel that I've painted her in a bad light, she is a good partner otherwise but this is really getting to me. It's affecting me to where I behave differently around women in general. Like I am purposefully more cold toward women so I don't get hassled about it, and an attempt to be good to her feelings.

I guess what I'm asking is "can you advise me on how to deal with being told I'm inappropriate with women, despite me truly feeling and being, in my opinion, very appropriate with women"

I feel like something along the lines of "can you explain to me more about why you feel I am inappropriate with women?" Is a good start.

It's just so hard to be told, essentially, "you are a bad partner" for things that I don't feel I did.

 

[Mr. Krinkle]

she sounds like a nightmare - ive had super jealous girlfriends like that - they're the worst

as a friend, i'd tell ya to dump her and move on but im sure that's not what you wanna hear - but go ahead and see how long you can tolerate a jealous girlfriend for

 

[G_Chem]

Yea you can’t really fix someone’s insecurities. This sounds pretty extreme to me too. The restaurant situation probably would’ve been a deal breaker for me. I’ve seen my guy friends deal with women like this. It’s exhausting and there’s risk of them actually cheating cuz they obviously need to feel validation that they are desirable.

I gotta agree with Krink here, if I was you id be looking elsewhere.

I went through something a bit milder but similar and it did make me change how I acted towards women. Now I’m mid 30’s, single again and trying to re-learn all that. Not a fun process. I don’t think anyone should ever fully lose themselves in a relationship like some partners expect of their others.

-GC

 

[xtcgrrrl]

All of this sounds like a “her” problem, not a “you” problem. She brought this emotional baggage into the relationship and isn’t working on fixing it. Well, it’s HER baggage, not yours. What I would suggest, if you want the relationship to continue, is to go to a couples therapist. Additionally, look into attachment styles; she appears to have an insecure attachment style, specifically, an anxious attachment style. I have some good books I can recommend to you about this topic.

If you really want to work on this relationship, you MUST get her to address her issues. No matter how much you alter yourself for her benefit, it will never be enough; she will continue to manufacture imaginary scenarios out of her own hurt and fear of abandonment. Try to get her to confront her demons. Maybe ask her to take some psychological quizzes online (you can frame it as “I think this would be fun and interesting to do,” and you can do them as well, as part of getting to know her and yourself better?)

Here are some links to some good ones:

Login | Your Personality

Your Personality

yourpersonality.net

Attachment Style Quiz: Free & Fast Attachment Style Test

Free and quick (5 minutes) attachment style quiz to explore how childhood conditioning can cause you to struggle with adult relationships.

www.attachmentproject.com

Attachment Style Test: What's My Attachment Style?

You can take our quiz to find out what is your attachment style.

psychcentral.com

 

[gordonliddy]

I'll present something of a minority opinion.

Just how important is Miss Blue to you, anyway?

 

[alasdairm]

^ why is that a factor? she could be nothing more than an associate. she could be a close friend. i don't think it matters.

@KattyKorner this comes down to trust and she's telling you loud and clear that she doesn't trust you or believe you.

you said that you went to your friend's house for a bbq with her and her husband and that you "can see that maybe that was a bit too much." having a bbq with a friend and her husband is far from too much. it's completely mundane and it worries me that she has you thinking that it's too much.

these things are obviously very complex and personal - and easy to see in black and white across the internet - but why on earth would you want to be with somebody who doesn't trust you and doesn't believe you?

alasdair

 

[tryptakid]

I'll present something of a minority opinion.

Just how important is Miss Blue to you, anyway?

I'd also suggest that perhaps this question is worth investigating further.

As completely detached third parties hearing this from one person, it's real easy to see the ways that your partner seems to be overreacting, likely because of the aforementioned history of infidelity she's experienced. We also have no idea how she's feeling about any of this, because as you mentioned, you've strove to 'accommodate her feelings' and I"d suggest you try to 'understand and empathize with her feelings'.

Ask her what about these things upsets her, how it makes her feel, and try to see things from her perspective. It's really easy in emotionally charged moments to raise our guard and defend our innocence, but we're not always the most reliable observer of ourselves. Maybe she notices the little ways texts from Blue distract you for a moment, how your demeanor shifts in ways that it doesn't with other people. Maybe she notices parts of a pattern familiar to her from past relationship. We don't know, because it doesn't seem that you necessarily know.

Repetition compulsion is the idea that we will tend to repeat relationship dynamics, because we're drawn to a subjective sense of familiarity. There are types of people that we are drawn to, based on a variety of things such as values, interests, and style, or sometimes more esoteric things like 'vibe". When we experience trauma in relationships, we will sometimes begin to find traumatic patterns familiar, even when we don't objectively notice them. Because we're drawn to familiarity, we can return to toxic patterns and dynamics.

It could be nothing, you could be a completely reasonable and supportive partner who has done no wrong here, and she could be acting out unreasonably and in a way that is unfair. It could also be that her anxiety and insecurity is being triggered by something you may not even be aware you are doing. Her reaction frustrates you, which can increase your willingness to be unfaithful down the road. Without trying to understand where she is coming from, where these feelings are coming from, and inviting her to talk about this stuff with you without judgement you won't be able to get an answer.

For what it's worth, I have been in couples therapy, and I provide couples therapy. Communication is key, assumptions are destructive, and being open to feedback with a willingness to change (on both ends) are crucial. In my own life, I always try to think 'what is MY part in this'. It may be an active thing I'm doing that I need to evaluate, or it could be a passive thing I'm expecting or accepting that also needs evaluation. There is always something.

 

[KattyKorner]

To answer some questions, Blue is just a friend, someone who I have somewhat distanced myself from due to my girlfriend's feelings. I have basically chosen my girlfriend over her, and any other women. Not that such is an issue exactly, it's the fact that there is zero trust for pretty much no reason that is the issue.

I don't know how to discuss this without somewhat invalidating her feelings. Because how can I say "I feel you don't trust me for pretty much no reason" without saying or implying her feelings on the matter are invalid? I'm thinking of something along the lines of "it seems you feel you can't trust me around women, or that I value other women over you. Can you explain why?" "This feeling is hard for me to deal with, as I feel it continues to come up, despite me making efforts to make you feel safe in our relationship" "what is not working, what makes you still feel unsafe"

She has pretty much already explained why, already covered a few, but again I feel there is not much substance there to be upset about. I know this is invalidating, but at the same time I truly don't think that any outside observer would say there is justification for the lack of trust. It seems that many here somewhat agree.

I don't think there is 0 room for criticism of myself, because I do agree that a few times I have crossed her boundaries and made her upset, I can definitely see how some of my actions were wrong or at least unkind. But it seems the scales are heavily weighed down with no real substance behind this.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

From what you're said, the issue is hers and not yours. Yeah, there's a good reason she feels insecure - granted. Does that mean that it's ok for her to project that inescurity onto others? Do you want to go through life never being able to have friendships with the opposite sex due to this?

Sure, you care for her and are taking care of her. Your intentions are good but but are also enablling her insecurity by complying with the unreasonable demand place upon you - so is that really helping?

You are not her ex. She needs to learn to trust again or she will unwittingly imprison all future partners, and that's unsustainable in a relationship. You'll likely become a shell of a person of you carry on down that road.

I've kinda been there, not exact same situation but very similar echoes of it.

Now? I will have whoever I damn well like as a friend - period. Not up for negotiation. Uncomfortable with that? Well, let's talk. Still uncomfortable? Well, you need to work on that, I'll help you if you want.

She needs to own the feelings and get to the point she can say "I am feeling insecure" as opposed to "You are making me feel insecure". She is doing the feeling - not you.

 

[tryptakid]

To answer some questions, Blue is just a friend, someone who I have somewhat distanced myself from due to my girlfriend's feelings. I have basically chosen my girlfriend over her, and any other women. Not that such is an issue exactly, it's the fact that there is zero trust for pretty much no reason that is the issue.

If there truly is "zero trust", it'll be nearly impossible for this relationship to return to a healthy place. Couples therapy could be useful, and often people come to couples therapy months or years after they should have. Often, the damage is done, patterns have entrenched, and working out from them can be difficult to impossible (not always, but often). My wife and I started couples therapy near the beginning of our relationship for the purpose of establishing healthy means of communication and knowing how to talk about stuff when things invariably came up. We had dated previously, though in a different dynamic, and it was the middle of CoVID so there were several pre-existing variables we knew could be an issue. We both had relationship wounds that we were aware of, so it made sense. Best thing we ever did, and I'd recommend it to anyone curious about it. Think of it as prevention rather than intervention.

I don't know how to discuss this without somewhat invalidating her feelings. Because how can I say "I feel you don't trust me for pretty much no reason" without saying or implying her feelings on the matter are invalid? I'm thinking of something along the lines of "it seems you feel you can't trust me around women, or that I value other women over you. Can you explain why?" "This feeling is hard for me to deal with, as I feel it continues to come up, despite me making efforts to make you feel safe in our relationship" "what is not working, what makes you still feel unsafe"

I can give you some suggestions as to how to start if that's of interest, if not, go ahead and skip.

"Recently when we've had disagreements, you'll mention other women as being something that you're upset about. When you make statements like this, I feel sad and hurt, and it feels as though you don't trust me, which is something that is crucial in a healthy relationship. I want to understand what makes you worry about this stuff, and I want to listen and not judge where you're coming from" - If she is open to responding to this, make sure that you're prepared to NOT REACT until she's said her piece, or she asks you something. You may feel the urge to explain or defend, don't. Just listen and process what she's saying, think about whether or not it feels fair or it feels unfair.

If it feels fair, try to think and discuss with her what you things you could do as a couple to remedy these things. The solution is not an individual one, it's on both of you to identify these things and work collaboratively towards a solution.

If it feels unfair, you can just say "Honestly, what you're saying doesn't feel fair to me. I want to support you and love you, but it's not my job to be in charge of your feelings, just like it's not your job to be in charge of my feelings. I don't mean that I won't rub you on your back when you've had a hard day, or give you reassurance when you're stressed. It means that we both have to be in charge of how we feel and decide if what we're feeling is coming from within ourselves, or from things that are going on." - Something like that.

Honestly, your last few quotes are also pretty good, might be good to start there as well. I'm just trying to give you some other perspectives to start from in case they're helpful. Take what you need, leave the rest!

She has pretty much already explained why, already covered a few, but again I feel there is not much substance there to be upset about. I know this is invalidating, but at the same time I truly don't think that any outside observer would say there is justification for the lack of trust. It seems that many here somewhat agree.

I don't think there is 0 room for criticism of myself, because I do agree that a few times I have crossed her boundaries and made her upset, I can definitely see how some of my actions were wrong or at least unkind. But it seems the scales are heavily weighed down with no real substance behind this.

It's not critique, it's awareness. You have to recognize the ways you could communicate better, could take feedback better, and to own when you make a mistake, with a willingness to change when it happens. Whenever I feel defensive, I take space and think about what it is that I'm going to push back against. Most of the time, I realize that I'm expecting something, or not communicating something I need, or I have some stress that I"m passively broadcasting and don't initially want to admit it. Once I see whatever it is, I acknowledge and apologize my parts in a disagreement, and make a statement about how I could have approached something better/differently. Typically, my wife has done the same thing and it defuses any residual tension.


If she's truly reactive in a way that is unfair, she may not be ready for a relationship with you, or anyone. Only you can decide whether that's the case because only you are living in this. If it's making you unhappy, why stay in a relationship that also seems to be making her unhappy. If she's open to working towards healing, and you are too, that's an option, but it's gotta be coming from both of you and not just one of you convincing the other.

I'll edit if I have more thoughts, but hopefully some of this is helpful.

Best of luck man, glad you're posting/talking about it and trying to figure it out. Sorry you're dealing with hard times

 

[AngelsandFairiesarereal]

It sounds like she has a lot of stuff to work on herself. A lot of healing & inner work. It sounds pretty intense, I’m not sure of her issues but it might just not be just the cheating of her ex, it sounds like even more intense than that … might go back deeper to some childhood stuff & then got triggered on top of that by her ex cheating. I have no idea, you obviously know her better but her fear of abandonment seems to be in overdrive.

This is really all up to her to be honest. Only she can do the real inner work. Do you think you could tell her that you think she has some inner healing to do? It depends on where she is in life if she’s even ready to hear, face or process that.

You can love her but can’t do the work for her. And it’s tough on you to feel like you have to treat people different than just being yourself. Just like the others say you don’t want to loose yourself.

You sound like a nice guy, I wish you the best.

 

[alasdairm]

i definitely respect the advice @danamine is offering but i fear that, if the op is already at the stage where he thinks simply visiting a female friend's house is "too much", the damage is already done.

alasdair

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I'll present something of a minority opinion.

Just how important is Miss Blue to you, anyway?

The OP wrote how they work together. I have worked with people who I was basically on call 25/7 for the entire work project and time I was working for them. It seems stressful, but it works for me as I am very driven, and just work the entire time unless I am sleeping, and I don't mind working like this as I might have ADD/ADHD, do not take meds for it anymore unless caffeine is a med, and it keeps me from getting distracted, so I can get paid which is necessary to live.

OP, have you talked to her about any of this? Seeing a counselor together could be helpful. I have never done this, but the relationship counselor will hear things from both of your perspectives, and not just one person's perspective only.

 

[tryptakid]

i definitely respect the advice @danamine is offering but i fear that, if the op is already at the stage where he thinks simply visiting a female friend's house is "too much", the damage is already done.

alasdair

Absolutely, and you may be correct. I try to take conservative positions when responding to this kind of thing only because I often see posts on Reddit and such where someone presents a situation, seeking advice, and replies immediately jump to "end it" or other severe judgments/reactions. Sometimes those responses are warranted, while alternatively sometimes better communication in the relationship, establishing clear boundaries, or trying to simply understand a partner's perspective could also be helpful, both to the relationship and to growth as a person in relationships as a whole.


Also, we never know the whole story when we only hear it from one person. Everything OP wrote could very well be true and if so, ending might be best for everyone. We all have our blindspots and sometimes we describe a situation without knowing (or in some cases wanting to acknowledge) the ways we may be contributing to a toxic dynamic.

In the end, I hope that katty is able to do some soul searching and figure out what's right for him moving forward, and if that involves trying to address things in the relationship, I hope some of these suggestions help, or feels ready to make the choice to end things if that's what makes sense.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

This is very unhealthy. It's not her fault that she feels this insecure, but she needs to address it. She can't honestly expect you not to have any social relationships with any other women. If she has it in her head that everytime you so much as compliment a friend or politely smile at a woman you're thinking about getting into bed with them, that's delusional.

You haven't said how strong your feelings are for this girl. If you really want to have a future together, she needs to sort those issues out (therapy might be a good option as others here have suggested). But if she's not your one and only I say cut your losses, because deep-seated self-esteem problems like that are exhausting and take a lot of work to mend.