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Feel like I'm smart yet still make impulsive irrational decisions .. fucked up life

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Perplexity

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 19, 2008
Messages
63
Location
United States
Yeah so I snorted a half gram of coke last night with 4 beers/glass of wine and woke up feeling like SHIT, so I got another glass of wine and a few more lines. And I did another half-gram the day before with more wine :/ Also smoked a bit of pot last night and am rolling up a joint right as I type. Another line will be done before the joint.

I seem to be stuck in a cycle that started from just smoking a lot of weed .. I decided to be weak and let the relaxing effects control me. I became "unmotivated", lazy and selfish. And now since buying lots of coke it's just getting worse. I figure since I'm fucking my health up I might as well continue getting high and stealing from my parents because I've come so far and hurt so many people. It seems like now the root of my addiction is a fear of dying ironically. I just numb myself up to forget about it for a period of time.

It's been like this for 5 years, I'm 22 now and screwed up every opportunity. Left TWO good universities on my parents dime and stole - lied- did fucked up things over and over. My parents took more and more away from me and I would just steal and lie even more so I can get high behind their back.

I now have terrible social anxiety and a backpack of guilt I carry around everywhere I go. Life is a constant embarrassment, and while I know I deserve it, it makes getting high that much easier.

Not sure where I'm going with this .. if anyone can relate please feel free to post your thoughts/advice .. I know I deserve death for the things I've done .. but I think I still have ONE last chance to turn things around ... assuming I survive.
 
You are only 22.. you can easily turn your life around and become the person you want to be..

Drugs are causing your problems and then making them worse..

Ask for help from friends and / or family.

I suggest you quit the drugs (obviously) and find yourself some hobbies or areas of interest to pursue.
 
get the guilt off your back and start apologizing to people. Tell them you were messed up at the time. As for the anxiety/stress coke is not helping you with and likely causing it
 
I'm 21 and have been addicted to various opiates and other drugs (mdma, coke, xanax) for the past 3 years. In the past 2 years I don't think I've gone a day without using some substance more than 2-3 times, until the last 5 days. The physical withdrawals are horrible, but the worst part is the mental. Without getting high my days just seem so useless. I've stopped going to the college, spent $10,000+ on drugs, lost respect from my parents, and in general feel like I've wasted the past couple years of my life. I guess the only advice I can give is to get yourself immersed into something productive that can get your mind off drugs. I've decided to enlist in the Army to get my shit together, so far it's been a great motivation for me. Being physically healthy and being surrounded by positive role models has already been a great help. I'm currently 5 days sober and I feel like the Army is the only thing that's keeping me from going back to drugs.

I can't imagine stopping drugs and just having nothing to do in my life. Boredom can be the biggest trigger.
 
Hey man, I'm 19 and 2 years ago i wasted one year on a good engineering school opportunity, and during the year after, in another decent math school i also couldn't go to classes due to a 3 + 3 months of my first depressions and social anxieties which were caused first by a lonely homesickness and then by a short mistaken use of a few substances (nothing too bad though). It was unfortunate because if i had been in a good state of consciousness and balance during that period i certainly would have been close to my master by now because i do have interest in what i am trying to study and have shown good involvement in the past.

But there i am now, trying my last chance to get through this uni's 1st year and a failure there would be even more unfortunate for the relationship betweep me & parents. During these last 3 months i'm doing my best to do at least the minimum work required while fighting to get back a state of harmonic psychic balance after these ups and downs. That would include slowly building up a steady social life and activities of interest again, since Love is rational and Fear is irrational ( the latter occuring when you a have a belief which is not aligned with the nature of your true self). For the addictive personalities i recommend alternating between different categories of psychoactives in order not to focus too much on one... even if the more dangerous ones are unfortunately a wider spread business. Also, the practice of spiritual lucid awareness through meditation, dreaming, entheogens (dmt, mescaline, ketamine, psilocybin...), nootropics (choline, 5-htp, piracetam...) will be very helpful for anyone on the path to the ultimate awakening which psychologicaly HEALS tons of the worst addictions and other disorders with a mind metaprogramming aiming pure balance.
 
No use talking about drugs with parents or people who don't know enough about the topic and might get biased , it will only lead to bad assumptions, i recommend doctors or users of a less toxic drug sub-culture.

Normally i would see parents caring more about their children's long term goals rather than about the fact that they spent a bit too much money now and then.
 
Thanks for the responses ...

I suppose the solution is obvious but having done so many fucked up things I find it hard to "get my life on track", I really hope I can forget the things I've done and make up for my mistakes.

Unfortunately I had 5 beers and a half gram of coke last night and tonight I had 6 beers and almost a gram plus I made a little hard to smoke .. and now I'm sipping a screwdriver and smoking a little pot to ease the comedown. Found some money in my moms jacket which I will use to get more blow since I ran out ... FUCK.

I'm just using this thread to document how much of an evil scumbag asshole I've become. Feel free to point out how much of a fuck up I am.
 
Just because you are intellectual doesn't mean you have the comparable life experience to avoid bad decision making. Even the most brainy people in the world were young once. It's called living and learning. No matter how smart you think you are now it's nothing compared to how smart you'll be in 10 years.
 
Just learn from mistakes. I'm only 24, I'm still young and have a whole life ahead of me. I've experimented with drugs since I was 15, well maybe 7 because i did steal ritalin that I was prescribed to take, that was hidden by my parents lol. However, I've been through some shit. Oxy/heroin addiction, graduated from snorting to IV, alcoholism, and now methamphetamine. Sure, I'm addicted to meth now, and as much as I rant about it and how I use it compulsively everyday for the past 2 1/2-3 months straight. I'm going to keep my head up and going to keep trying to quit until I actually make it. I'm gonna put effort into it. And it feels good. It feels good to be clean. You'd be surprised. It feels good to tell others "I've survived and now I'm clean". When you've been addicted to drugs, the minute you get out of withdrawal symptoms, it feels like a whole brand new intoxication. I mean, sure it's not the same, but it adds a whole new perspective when you look back at it.

You know, due to the result of my meth use, I was doing good in school until it became a heavy habit. Now I'm missing classes often, showing up to work late, and now it's affecting my family life and my economic situation. I want to prevent that from happening again, like how it happened with my heroin usage, but it's a whole new ball game with heroin and meth.

good luck!
 
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i can relate to you,i have social anxiety too...you're not a fuck up,you are just a normal person trying to deal with things that were dealt to you and not other (i.e social anxiety) maybe when you've had some alcohol to ease the social anxiety,go up to your parents and apologize,try not to slur,use some eye drops to get the red eyes out,then take some more alcohol,go on a bus and ask to see a psychiatrist,explain about you'r social anxiety,u can even tell if ur slurring that uve had some alcohol to get the courage to come to the psychiatrist,no need to tell about the coke eg,and ask for a script of benzodiazepines and an ssri if you can afford em (i hope you can) ur parents would be willing to help.dont ask for too many benzos because they're addictive after 4 weeks of use and then ur screwed because the withrawal is a year long and terrible.
take some money and try to get some over the counter meds to help with opiate withrawal (loperamide,painkillers) and quit cold turkey,the benzos will reallly help you sleep,and from there on try to see a therapist,but please be careful about benzos.im addicted to them and im a zombie on them,cant feel anything,just depressed,it really isnt worth getting rid of social anxiety from. good luck..
 
I can only go by your posts, which isn't much of a background to go on. I get the feeling though that you're listing the exact amount of substances you've used today and yesterday for a certain sort of reaction - just like you've said:

Perplexity said:
I'm just using this thread to document how much of an evil scumbag asshole I've become.
Click to expand...

I think that if you can prove to other people that you're a complete fuck up, you'll be able to believe it yourself - and that'll give you an excuse to not try so hard. It'll let you off the hook for the bad things you've done, and will give you a bit of leeway before having to start making the hard choices to lead a more productive life. I think failing for a reason (such as being an addict) is often going to feel better than failing and having noone to blame but yourself. Ultimately there's no simple, clean way to start improving your life. Quitting habitual drug use is really fucking hard. If you want a better life though, you need to start making tough, uncomfortable decisions and putting in persistent work, not making ridiculous excuses like 'I'm going to keep stealing from my parents because I've already hurt so many people'. I don't think you're at that point yet though, and I think this thread is basically a justification of your way of life.
 
Yup, I'm 16 and that's basically the story of my life. Stupid irrational decisions preventing me from letting people know how smart I really am, mainly being my parents. I found that reducing and managing my drug use was a way to prove that I was responsible, e.g I didn't smoke weed on school nights or before school, not spending all of my money on it, etc. I'd get all my homework done initially, study for tests and think about what I say to people before I actually say it. I found that by managing my life in little ways like that helped me prevent impulsive behavior because I was more consciously aware of my decisions. If you want my advice though, now might be a good time to kick the drugs while you're still young.
 
Stop wasting everyone's time as well as your own. Your second post just killed it. You are not at that point within yourself to turn your life around.
 
Stop snorting coke and drinking booze all day and you will feel less depressed.

Its just a fact. You feel down and out because youre taking drugs that make you feel down and out. And yes the feelings will linger after, but I promise you you will never not feel the way you do now if you dont stop sniffing coke and drinking screwdrivers at whatever hour of the day.


Footscrazy basically said everything else I would've said.
 
Perplexity said:
Thanks for the responses ...

I suppose the solution is obvious but having done so many fucked up things I find it hard to "get my life on track", I really hope I can forget the things I've done and make up for my mistakes.
Click to expand...

I think it is better not to forget one's mistakes---they are our best teachers and lead to the most profound changes. Instead of trying to forget the mistakes of the past, accept them as part of the learning curve of your own development as a human being. Trying to deny what makes you feel guilty is only going to lead you to say, "fuck it!" and repeat the same mistakes and keep digging the hole deeper.


I'm just using this thread to document how much of an evil scumbag asshole I've become. Feel free to point out how much of a fuck up I am.
Click to expand...

You think that but why would anyone of us want to validate those thoughts? You are addicted and your addiction is in control. Focus on challenging that addiction rather than taking it on a s the definition of your self. You existed before addiction and you can conquer it. It is good that you are humble but being humble can tip into self loathing and that serves no positive purpose. I hope you can find some faith in yourself--that's the first step out of the nightmare you find yourself in now.<3
 
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