I'm sure by now when y'all see my posts you actually say to yourself "Oh crap, it's Oh crap again." But thank you to those who are still reading and willing to help me. This being sober stuff is literally nuts. There is a constant battle in my head between using and staying sober. One second I've given up and I'm going to use. The next minute I'm going "no way! I can do this." I even called in my two prescriptions for 20 hydros and 15 tramadol. Hardly enough to get high but maybe a few times, but enough to send my addiction off with a bang. And then what? Before this recent stint of daily use I had been using recreationally on the weekend for years...will i ever be able to do that again? Sorry to be such a whiner...just feeling a little like i have a split personality lately...
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feel like Im going insane
- Thread starter OhCrap
- Start date
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
oh i feel the same way too.
if i give into the drugs, they take ahold of me and won't let go. we're in the same boat i fear - once drugs are implemented back into ourselves, it feels as if there is no turning back.
have you tried NA/AA meetings? try doing things to take drugs off your mind. it's such a difficult battle but it can be won.
in my opinion no addict who has recovered can touch drugs again or it will lead down the same road.
stay strong and don't touch them. they will ruin and destroy your life, i'm not one to speak, but i know that if i managed to stay clean and sober i'd be a much more productive, happy person.
hang in there.
if i give into the drugs, they take ahold of me and won't let go. we're in the same boat i fear - once drugs are implemented back into ourselves, it feels as if there is no turning back.
have you tried NA/AA meetings? try doing things to take drugs off your mind. it's such a difficult battle but it can be won.
in my opinion no addict who has recovered can touch drugs again or it will lead down the same road.
stay strong and don't touch them. they will ruin and destroy your life, i'm not one to speak, but i know that if i managed to stay clean and sober i'd be a much more productive, happy person.
hang in there.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Ohcrap, I don't think that (oh crap) when I see your posts but I do always appreciate the humor in your name. 
I think it is totally normal for you to have cravings and to seesaw back and forth between total resolve and total defeat. You know which one you need to feed and which one you need to do battle with. Just be clear that when you want to give in it is not because you are weak or immoral or anything else--it is just what addiction is and what it does. It conditions your brain and the rest of your body and you have to use everything you've got each time it happens and that gets exhausting. One of the best things to come out of AA is "One day at a time". It is so much easier to fight in pieces. When you look at the whole all the fears start flooding in and that sets the trap for giving in.
Stay focused on what you know you want overall, not what you want in any given instant.
I think it is totally normal for you to have cravings and to seesaw back and forth between total resolve and total defeat. You know which one you need to feed and which one you need to do battle with. Just be clear that when you want to give in it is not because you are weak or immoral or anything else--it is just what addiction is and what it does. It conditions your brain and the rest of your body and you have to use everything you've got each time it happens and that gets exhausting. One of the best things to come out of AA is "One day at a time". It is so much easier to fight in pieces. When you look at the whole all the fears start flooding in and that sets the trap for giving in.Stay focused on what you know you want overall, not what you want in any given instant.
Thanks for the encouragement as always. I don't know what I'd do without every single person here...not be sober today, that's for sure. I love who I am when I'm sober. As painful as it is to have to feel the negative emotions it is amazing to feel the positive ones again. The tramadol totally numbed me and as much as I loved the euphoria I found it hard to feel any real happiness or excitement about anything really. I don't know why, however I can know that and still not hardly be able to resist taking those pills!! Ah well, for now anyway tomorrow is 6 days and counting. At least for today, I'm sober.
As for NA meetings I have thought about it bit am almost a little ashamed. Not for the reason you may think, however. I feel almost like my silly little 6 month addiction didnt really qualify as a real problem, like it isnt real unless you lose everything. Idk if that makes sense to anyone but me....but i almost feel like i have no right to even call it an addiction....or call myself a recovering addict
As for NA meetings I have thought about it bit am almost a little ashamed. Not for the reason you may think, however. I feel almost like my silly little 6 month addiction didnt really qualify as a real problem, like it isnt real unless you lose everything. Idk if that makes sense to anyone but me....but i almost feel like i have no right to even call it an addiction....or call myself a recovering addict
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Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
One step at a time my friend. just keep working through the days, encourage yourself more and more. as each day passes the struggle gets lessened.
don't feel ashamed at all for NA meetings. they are absolutely wonderful. i'm 19 years old and went to NA, i gained support from everyone around me, i was nervous and shy, and there was hardly anyone there my age. it kept me sober for 6 months straight until i stopped going and fell into my old traps. it truly is a magnificent place to recover and establish that you are not alone in any situation you think you may be in.
a 6 month addiction is still an addiction - and i think you have to realize that in order to gain an understanding of what could happen if you continue down the path of drugs. it doesn't matter if its a week or a month, for however many days you were hooked on a substance, it will haunt you UNLESS you overcome it. and you can do it!
if you really can't resist those pills then throw them away. that was the first thing i learnt in NA, get rid of everything, stashes etc. when you have nothing in the house it may drive you a little crazy for a day or a week, but once you establish that you DONT need those drugs. at NA i was also given a "bible" so to speak, of stories of addicts around the world which i would pick up whenever i thought about drugs during my sobriety. it helped so much you can't imagine.
give it a try - and if you really don't like it, you don't have to go back
have you been to see a therapist/psychotherapist about your problems regarding drug use?
if you ever need to talk to someone about anything on your mind feel free to PM me. i'll get back to you as soon as i can and whatever you say to me is purely confidential and won't be shared with anyone and i'll try my best to support you with whatever i can do best.
keep on going, you can do this!
don't feel ashamed at all for NA meetings. they are absolutely wonderful. i'm 19 years old and went to NA, i gained support from everyone around me, i was nervous and shy, and there was hardly anyone there my age. it kept me sober for 6 months straight until i stopped going and fell into my old traps. it truly is a magnificent place to recover and establish that you are not alone in any situation you think you may be in.
a 6 month addiction is still an addiction - and i think you have to realize that in order to gain an understanding of what could happen if you continue down the path of drugs. it doesn't matter if its a week or a month, for however many days you were hooked on a substance, it will haunt you UNLESS you overcome it. and you can do it!
if you really can't resist those pills then throw them away. that was the first thing i learnt in NA, get rid of everything, stashes etc. when you have nothing in the house it may drive you a little crazy for a day or a week, but once you establish that you DONT need those drugs. at NA i was also given a "bible" so to speak, of stories of addicts around the world which i would pick up whenever i thought about drugs during my sobriety. it helped so much you can't imagine.
give it a try - and if you really don't like it, you don't have to go back
have you been to see a therapist/psychotherapist about your problems regarding drug use?
if you ever need to talk to someone about anything on your mind feel free to PM me. i'll get back to you as soon as i can and whatever you say to me is purely confidential and won't be shared with anyone and i'll try my best to support you with whatever i can do best.
keep on going, you can do this!
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Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Don't feel bad about it. everyone slips up along the way - its a hard and long journey, i relapsed many times before getting sober and cleaned up.
i really suggest getting to some NA meetings honestly.
i really suggest getting to some NA meetings honestly.
DooMMooD
Bluelighter
I agree with that. I dont go to NA anymore b/c I do disagree with a lot of what was said there (primary one being that people on suboxone/methadone working the program solidly are still cheating and do not qualify as 'clean'), BUT, I still did my 90 in 90
And let me tell you, I guarantee that if i hadn't done that I'd still be out there running around doing god knows what. It kept me occupied even for an hour a day, for those first 3 months.
And those first 3 months are definitely hard as shit. Not that its smooth sailing after 3 months, BUT, those 3 are super hard. Especially if youre in the same environment you were beforehand.
And let me tell you, I guarantee that if i hadn't done that I'd still be out there running around doing god knows what. It kept me occupied even for an hour a day, for those first 3 months.
And those first 3 months are definitely hard as shit. Not that its smooth sailing after 3 months, BUT, those 3 are super hard. Especially if youre in the same environment you were beforehand.
mrflowers00
Ex-Bluelighter
it can take years for the insanity to die down just hang in there