feel like i keep gettin kicked while im down

[HighonLife]

hey yall

its been awhile since i have really been around BL much, even when i was around i was primarily a TDS lurker so some of yall here might not bee too familiar with me, i will try to keep this as concise as possible because i would definatly like as much feedback as TDS is willing to give. but im a longwinded motherfucker

anyways i have been clean from heroin for just about 3 months(techinically 3 months after the 1st-3rd of july), basically i started trying to quit in January and it took until early april (1st-3rd, not 100% sure) before i was pretty much succesful.

after being clean for 9 days in early april i got the itch to go down to south dallas and cop, i was suppossed to sell some kid an 8th of weed before headin out there for some extra cash but he didnt answer and since i was 9 days clean i decided i didnt need the money n didnt want alot, i just wanted to get high.

well not even 2 miles down the highway on the way to cop, i got stopped by a state trooper for a breaklight, he smells the weed, searches the car, charges me with misty MJ poss <2oz.

in jail i didnt think much of the arrest, kinda felt like i deserved it, i was 9 days clean and i went to go n cop dope soo tbh i was just happy that i didnt get pulled over on the way back whilst in possession of dope n also happy i had kicked 9 days earlier n didnt have to kick in jail. and also happy i only had n 8th n no scale.

after getting out of jail i was kicked outta my house, not so much for being arrested for weed but b/c that was the straw that broke the camels back, my parents know i am an addict n knew something was up in the months leading up to my arrest cuz i was constantly sick and then better n then sick n then better

so after that arrest i decided that i was foolish for tryin to go n cop and i also decided to stop selling weed b/c w/o a dope habit i really didnt have a reason to be risking poss all the time and without a dope habit i could just buy weed.

well about a month after that arrest i was able to purchase a car, nothing special, kinda shitty, but a car nonetheless, i was clean at this oit mind u, but withing 3 days of getting a car i went n copped some oxy, hydromorph n xannies.

i wrecked my car within 3 days of having it, nothing to crazy, it is back up n running now but i drove 25 miles on the highway that night, noddin out the whole time, made it about a mile from my house when i wrecked. (this has been the only time in almost 3 months that i have used, so i dont have 3 months of consecutive clean time, but i have damn near 3 months of clean time)

after that i havent had much desire to use opiates or anything tho

about 3-3.5 weeks ago i took my grandma down to the university medical center in dallas, we rode the dart train down, i wasnt sure where the medical center (Baylor) was but as we kept riding down the train we kept goin farther n farther into dallas, eventually we were on the S.Side and before i knew it, i was 2 train exits or about 200 yards from the Hatcher St. train station. everyother day i drove down to Hatcher St. to cop my dope, i was fiendin like a mother fucker and my grandmas dental appt took much longer then expected ( i expected 30-45mins it was 2.5 hours) so in all this time i am struggling with the idea of goin n hittin up my old trap house but i didnt, instead i decided to smoke a couple bowls in the parking garage stairwell. Baylor police rolls up on me and long story short, i cop another weed charge

upset about the 2nd weed charge because of the circumstances (wasnt copping dope, was helping my g-ma out) i have become frustrated with the prospect of 12-15months probabtion, but still taking things in stride and not to worried

last thursday, i lost my job, i work for a royal asshole (i know i know, we all do) i lost my cool and not only told him off n told him to fuck himself but i spared no expense in telling him exactly how i feel about him, in retrospect i shouldnt have flown off the handle but i also feel as though i wont be treated the way he treated me either, but thats not important, i flew off the handle n got fired

i live with my girlfreind, she is amazing, she is also the only good thing i have left but since i have gotten fired things have been real rocky,

i dont know what to do, i assumed when i got clean from dope that my life would get better, i know PAWS plays a role but between that and all the shit happening i just dont know what to do, since losing my job i have become severely depressed. making it difficult to go out n find a new job, i have been filling out apps and making consultations with lawyers but im not doing enough and i cant muster up the motivation from within to get things rolling

i know i gotta pick myself up by the bootstraps n fuckin handle my shit, but i feel plagued that i am having soo much difficulty,

even in the midst of all this i havent been fiending for dope too much but i have been fiending for dealth more then i ever have, over the last couple days i have tried to convince myself my girlffriend would be better off without me, she deserves soo much better

i just feel like things are gonna get worse before they get better, i feel like my girlfriend is the only thing i have left but thats its really only a matter of time before i loose her too, i dont wanna loose her but im no good and she deserves much better, i know that means i need to man up and be a better person to give her what she deserves but over the last couple days i have felt uncapable

i dont even know if they're truly is a question hiddin in there but i dont know what to do and i dont know where to turn,

please help

 

[ohline]

at the very least i think you need therapy.

while you might not be using anymore, the issues that lead you down that path are still there, unresolved.

you need to talk to someone; to work through the issues that made you use in the first place.

 

[HighonLife]

i know i need some kind of help but herapy isnt an option any more, i am no longer on insurance, and i am jobless

plus i have been in and out of psychologist and psychiatrists offices since i was 8-9 years old when the doctors started my drug use with various stimulants, anti-depressants, and sometimes benzos, even as a kid.

i dont hold those doctors in very high regard, unfortunately

thanks ohline tho, i really appreciate your input

its gettin late for me

but ill be back in the morning to check out the thread, thanks again, goodnight

 

[ohline]

i know i need some kind of help but herapy isnt an option any more, i am no longer on insurance, and i am jobless

plus i have been in and out of psychologist and psychiatrists offices since i was 8-9 years old when the doctors started my drug use with various stimulants, anti-depressants, and sometimes benzos, even as a kid.

i dont hold those doctors in very high regard, unfortunately

thanks ohline tho, i really appreciate your input

its gettin late for me

but ill be back in the morning to check out the thread, thanks again, goodnight

i get it.

if you're really serious about this then you may have a couple of options.

most states don't give you the free-ride with therapy. but there are quite a lot that offer their services in drug-addiction and detox. which, i myself, have taken advantage of.

do what you need to do and say what you need to say. in my personal opinion, i don't see many other options for you. where do you live, specifically?

i understand such specific care can be kind of scary.. but i've been there and it's pretty necessary.

 

[HighonLife]

i live in the North DFW suburbs,

Lewisville-Denton more specifically

 

[cj]

First of all congratulations on getting off dope and staying off now that times are tough that is a huge accomplishment and you should be very proud. You need a job but you know that already. I agree with the other poster you need to identify and deal with the issues that led to your addiction or relapse is almost inevitable IMO. If you find yourself unable to find work then you could look into some state run rehabs they are often extremely cheap or even free if you qualify you could use this time to get your life right. But again congrats on kickin the dope if you can do that you can do anything.

 

[suessmayr]

But again congrats on kickin the dope if you can do that you can do anything.

^ this. Well fucken done on getting clean. Never underestimate that. It is an incredible fucking accomplishment and something that most dope addicts never accomplish.

I can't help but remark - not because I want to be a cunt, but because you may lack perspective - that all the "kicks" you've suffered have followed directly upon bad choices. Well, it doesn't seem like getting kicked out of home was totally necessary, but all the other things you mentioned were consequent upon decisions to 1) travel with drugs or 2) use drugs.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect things in your life to take a turn until you have changed the destructive behaviours. Ask yourself, when you're about to do one of these things, whether it is likely or even possibly going to lead to disaster. That's the first step man.

S

 

[MemphisX3]

hey yall

its been awhile since i have really been around BL much, even when i was around i was primarily a TDS lurker so some of yall here might not bee too familiar with me, i will try to keep this as concise as possible because i would definatly like as much feedback as TDS is willing to give. but im a longwinded motherfucker

anyways i have been clean from heroin for just about 3 months(techinically 3 months after the 1st-3rd of july), basically i started trying to quit in January and it took until early april (1st-3rd, not 100% sure) before i was pretty much succesful.

after being clean for 9 days in early april i got the itch to go down to south dallas and cop, i was suppossed to sell some kid an 8th of weed before headin out there for some extra cash but he didnt answer and since i was 9 days clean i decided i didnt need the money n didnt want alot, i just wanted to get high.

well not even 2 miles down the highway on the way to cop, i got stopped by a state trooper for a breaklight, he smells the weed, searches the car, charges me with misty MJ poss <2oz.

in jail i didnt think much of the arrest, kinda felt like i deserved it, i was 9 days clean and i went to go n cop dope soo tbh i was just happy that i didnt get pulled over on the way back whilst in possession of dope n also happy i had kicked 9 days earlier n didnt have to kick in jail. and also happy i only had n 8th n no scale.

after getting out of jail i was kicked outta my house, not so much for being arrested for weed but b/c that was the straw that broke the camels back, my parents know i am an addict n knew something was up in the months leading up to my arrest cuz i was constantly sick and then better n then sick n then better

so after that arrest i decided that i was foolish for tryin to go n cop and i also decided to stop selling weed b/c w/o a dope habit i really didnt have a reason to be risking poss all the time and without a dope habit i could just buy weed.

well about a month after that arrest i was able to purchase a car, nothing special, kinda shitty, but a car nonetheless, i was clean at this oit mind u, but withing 3 days of getting a car i went n copped some oxy, hydromorph n xannies.

i wrecked my car within 3 days of having it, nothing to crazy, it is back up n running now but i drove 25 miles on the highway that night, noddin out the whole time, made it about a mile from my house when i wrecked. (this has been the only time in almost 3 months that i have used, so i dont have 3 months of consecutive clean time, but i have damn near 3 months of clean time)

after that i havent had much desire to use opiates or anything tho

about 3-3.5 weeks ago i took my grandma down to the university medical center in dallas, we rode the dart train down, i wasnt sure where the medical center (Baylor) was but as we kept riding down the train we kept goin farther n farther into dallas, eventually we were on the S.Side and before i knew it, i was 2 train exits or about 200 yards from the Hatcher St. train station. everyother day i drove down to Hatcher St. to cop my dope, i was fiendin like a mother fucker and my grandmas dental appt took much longer then expected ( i expected 30-45mins it was 2.5 hours) so in all this time i am struggling with the idea of goin n hittin up my old trap house but i didnt, instead i decided to smoke a couple bowls in the parking garage stairwell. Baylor police rolls up on me and long story short, i cop another weed charge

upset about the 2nd weed charge because of the circumstances (wasnt copping dope, was helping my g-ma out) i have become frustrated with the prospect of 12-15months probabtion, but still taking things in stride and not to worried

last thursday, i lost my job, i work for a royal asshole (i know i know, we all do) i lost my cool and not only told him off n told him to fuck himself but i spared no expense in telling him exactly how i feel about him, in retrospect i shouldnt have flown off the handle but i also feel as though i wont be treated the way he treated me either, but thats not important, i flew off the handle n got fired

i live with my girlfreind, she is amazing, she is also the only good thing i have left but since i have gotten fired things have been real rocky,

i dont know what to do, i assumed when i got clean from dope that my life would get better, i know PAWS plays a role but between that and all the shit happening i just dont know what to do, since losing my job i have become severely depressed. making it difficult to go out n find a new job, i have been filling out apps and making consultations with lawyers but im not doing enough and i cant muster up the motivation from within to get things rolling

i know i gotta pick myself up by the bootstraps n fuckin handle my shit, but i feel plagued that i am having soo much difficulty,

even in the midst of all this i havent been fiending for dope too much but i have been fiending for dealth more then i ever have, over the last couple days i have tried to convince myself my girlffriend would be better off without me, she deserves soo much better

i just feel like things are gonna get worse before they get better, i feel like my girlfriend is the only thing i have left but thats its really only a matter of time before i loose her too, i dont wanna loose her but im no good and she deserves much better, i know that means i need to man up and be a better person to give her what she deserves but over the last couple days i have felt uncapable

i dont even know if they're truly is a question hiddin in there but i dont know what to do and i dont know where to turn,

please help

this is coming from someone who had 5 different charges stemming from 5 different arrests hanging over his head 2 years ago and was kicked out of rehab.

on the legal side:

the first thing you need to do is find another job, the pay doesnt matter. the point is to have a job when you go to court so that you dont look like a total fucked up individual who doesnt deserve another break. when i had those charges on me the only reason i got out of them was because i went to rehab and got a job (at the humane society picking up dog shit and walking dogs for 7.25/hour) right out of there. judges love to see young kids who want to do good, he will see that you just ran into some troubles like all young kid do and will most likely have mercy on you. im not sure if you have a record but if you dont you need to be very clear with your lawyer that you would like to atleast try to get into a diversion program so that atleast one charge wont stick onto your recrod. i dont know if you got arrested in the same county or what but if you got arrested in two different counties you can use it to your advantage. alot of the times the courts wont communicate with each other and you have a good chance of copping two diversions as long as your court dates arent too far apart (one county will give you diversion and the other will as well as long as they dont get wind of the other arrest and diversion). when i copped all those charges i was still on probation in nashville but thankfully they never found out so i didnt violate probation in nashville. my probation acctually ended while my other court cases were still going on in memphis. if you understand the legal system you can manipulate it to work for you. something very important that you need to understand YOU CAN NOT GET INTO ANYMORE TROUBLE. DO NOT DRIVE WHILE INTOXICATED AND TRY TO STAY IN AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. IF YOU COP ANOTHER CHARGE ITS GOING TO BE THAT MUCH HARDER TO GET A GOOD OUTCOME FROM ALL OF THIS.

on the personal side:

trust me i know all about being kicked while down. it was like that for me for YEARS. when i had all these charges i would sleep 3-4 hours a night max because the stress was just unbelievable while all this was going on. therapy would be very good for you right now. its expensive as shit but at the very least you have someone you can vent to.

about your girlfriend:

it seems to me like you have a very slef destructive personality (like alot of addicts) if your girlfriend is the only thing you got going for you the last thing you need to do is drive her away. if she isnt showing signs of being fed up with you i would just leave it alone. if she is there for you, why would you want to fuck that up? talk to her, make her understand what you are going through and use her for moral support as well. i would also atleast try fixing your relationship with your parents. call them, write them a letter, do whatever but make sure they understand that you know you fucked up and you know there has to be consequences and that you are dealing with those and trying to get back on track, give them space and time to think and relax a bit. once they see you are being responsible and doing your best to get your shit together im sure they will atleast start to reconsider alot of things.

we all fuck up, some more than others. the important thing is is that you see what you are doing wrong and you are taking steps to correct it. alot of people simply waltz thru life charge after charge, fuck up after fuck up and simply never take responsibility or dont have the ability to identify what is wrong and fix it. life sucks a lot of the time but as long as you ride it out it makes you that much stronger and that much better. i have been thru alot of shit, trust me, and a lot of it was avoidable but i didnt let it keep me down, i got up, i changed, i worked hard at staying out of trouble and i can honestly say im a better man for it. i dont know what your parents are like but my dad is the type of person who simply wont let me remain down hes more of the guy who would constantly be telling me "stop being a pussy, so what all this shit is going on, shit happens, get up and do what you gotta do" thats really how you gotta think about it. yeah you fucked up, but whats done is done and what you need to do now is motivate yourself to make things right. no one is going to be there to hold your hand all thru life, you need to be able to motivate yourself into doing what you gotta do.

so here we go:

1. GET ANOTHER JOB, THE PAY DOESNT MATTER. make sure you have a job for the courts
2. look into getting a therapist (if you do this make sure the judges know and they will look at this in a positive light)
3. during your atty consultations go over every aspect of the charge and possible outcomes etc. yeah probation sucks but i garantee 6 months in county would suck a lot worse.
4. keep your girlfriend for moral support, dont drive her away
5. begin trying to fix your relationship with your parents/ family
6. stop being a pussy. shit happens. motivate yourself to correct what is wrong and go from there.

edit: i saw about the insurance issue. there are tons of places out there that offer free therapy. you may even ask the courts to help you out there. not sure if you want to put it out there like that but if they know you are an addict they will most likely jump at the idea to hook you up with free/cheap therapy. just a thought.

 

[HighonLife]

thanks yall for the replies

sorry i wasnt around yesterday to reply to yall but thanks a bunch

i have taken everything yall have said into consideration

much appreciated

Memphis: i appreciate the hell outta ur post, i appreciate u takin the time to respond to me soo thuroughly, thanks again

yea, i was arrested 1st in Denton County n 2nd in Dallas County soo i am tryin to get things worked out to were they wont know about the other, but it may or maynot work out, we'll see

feeling a little better today yall, thanks

btw, yesterday was the 1st day in 9 years i have been 100% clean, no weed, no alcohol, no dope, no benzos, no nothing, (no cigs either but i dont smoke cigs so i didnt include em )

 

[itsok]

wow, u have had a huge success with kicking ur dope habit and have started ur journey to become clean and healthy from all substances. Congratulations on those 2 things!!

MemphisX3 and the others all gave u wise and specific feedback. I hope I'll be able to add.

If u are 18 or older, get Medicaid and see a therapist, addiction psychiatrist, and/or rehabs. Apply for food stamps, unemployment, subsidized cell phone/internet, etc..

In the meantime, maybe u can open up to ur girlfriend and have this low point of life be a way to strengthen ur emotional bond w her.

Ur depression seems like the typical dopamine depleted depression common to opiate addicts (lack of motivation). I know that u dont want medication, but it may help and just be temporary. For example, did u read the ketamine as an antidepressant and aid in resynaptic genesis (like it repairs the damage done to ur brain), article is in the dark side, in a thread like ketamine as an antidepressant or something). For myself, I used ketamine, adderall (normal doses for me), vitamins (lke B complex and D-3, and general), and exercise. Also, being around ppl who are nice to me help.

I think that u start trying to repair things w ur family bc u r really doing the right thing, they'll see how genuine u are and welcome u back. Ur parents just want u to have a better life than what u have been choosing and im sure, given enough time, honest info about ur genuine sobriety goals, all will be good again among u guys.