Who you become on the drugs isn't who you are. You're friend said they saw a hollow imitation of who you used to be, but that person - who you used to be, rather, who you truly are - that person is still in there. I can tell by your posts that you are a bright person. You are still there mentally, at least when you aren't high. I know how it feels to live in a world of drugs and druggies, and how desperate it is trying to fathom a life without using. I used heroin, various other drugs and sold weed/psychedelics for 5 years. My entire world revolved around using and selling drugs and I still live in the same area as the last few years of my run. Trust me, there is a world out there with normal people. Not EVERYONE uses meth, or other drugs for that matter. It may seem like an impossible thing to get away from because you have surrounded yourself with it, and people that use it, for so long. But it's an illusion. And think about pure alcoholics.. Think about the millions of alcoholics worldwide (just those who have gotten sober in AA, not counting the others) who have managed to get sober in a world where alcohol really is everywhere. Imagine meth being sold at every store and advertised on TV. I realize the reality of the drug game isn't that far off, if not just a bit more behind the scenes - but my point is that people get sober everyday surrounded by their drugs of choice. I know it's a tough demon to fight, but it's a battle worth fighting.
Are your sober friends in recovery, or are they just non-addicts? I'm confused about that. If they are non addicts I can understand your hesitation but if they are in recovery I would call them ASAP, even if not it can't hurt to reach out for help. Have you considered AA or NA, or one of the other support groups such as LiferRing or SmartRecovery? You can't do this alone, and I know you are already feeling alone and it's not helping. You may not agree with the steps or the program, but trust me it's worth a shot and it's not remotely what it seems like from the outside. Even if you don't work any aspect of any of those programs besides going to meetings, I can not express how invaluable it is to connect with other addicts who have been through what you are going through. It's an untapped resource that very well may save your life and/or your sanity. You seem pretty desperate right now, are you desperate enough to do whatever it takes? Do you really want to end the suffering, but just don't know how? These are legitimate questions to ask yourself.
I know getting clean for a few weeks is one thing, and staying clean in the long run is another like you said - that's what the support groups are for. Even if you don't continue going to meetings, just meeting people and building your own support group of people you can call and talk to is an unmatched tool, nothing will help you more. I don't want to get preachy, but feel free to PM me if you have any questions about 12 step groups or any other support groups. I know there is a lot of misconceptions, myths, and rumors around them - and I also know that a lot of people prefer not to utilize them even after finding out the rumors aren't true - so like I said I won't preach but feel free to PM me if you're interested.
