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February - Getting and staying clean/sober thread

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Good job on the sobriety everyone!

Still going, day 185. Been thinking about drinking a lot though. Meh….just have been feeling super isolated and bleh. It doesn't help that I feel like I have almost no friends, and when I am around acquaintances I seem to have nothing to say. Don't really know what is going on with me. Just tired of being in a chronic grumpy mood.
 
356 days today.

munki--dig your name, first of all. when i get in those grey, blah, grump moods, the three things that can always shake me out are 1) yoga and 2) making art of some kind, and 3) being out in nature, as far into the wilderness and away from man-made shit as i can. these are fairly basic solutions, or may sound trite, but these are all fail-safe activities that allow me to focus on something external and asthetically pleasing, and can make my mood soar upwards. congrats on 185 days.
 
neversickanymore said:
24 more =D

Memories-of-My-Childhood-Home-Night-Time-Scene.jpg
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I like the outhouse between the branches of the tree. :)

RedLeader said:
vYmBbn4.jpg
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Wow. Where's this?

munki said:
Good job on the sobriety everyone!

Still going, day 185. Been thinking about drinking a lot though. Meh….just have been feeling super isolated and bleh. It doesn't help that I feel like I have almost no friends, and when I am around acquaintances I seem to have nothing to say. Don't really know what is going on with me. Just tired of being in a chronic grumpy mood.
Click to expand...

I'm going to be playing some chess online Wednesday night around 11PM GMT-6, if you're bored around then. Get some chat in...

Zwanya said:
356 days today.

munki--dig your name, first of all. when i get in those grey, blah, grump moods, the three things that can always shake me out are 1) yoga and 2) making art of some kind, and 3) being out in nature, as far into the wilderness and away from man-made shit as i can. these are fairly basic solutions, or may sound trite, but these are all fail-safe activities that allow me to focus on something external and asthetically pleasing, and can make my mood soar upwards. congrats on 185 days.
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March 5th is the big annual, huh? %)

caseface99 said:
Holy bejeeses long day today..

another 24 down.
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Love how you have your sobriety date in your signature.

______________________

I've avoided relapsing into any stim use, but I've been face to face with the order button a few times. Not super proud of my willpower, but I'm really satisfied w/ my behavior. I haven't done anything (too) stupid lately, and I've been on top of my finances (for the most part). I fell through a few cracks this month and used a bit of psychs. But in the big picture, I have avoided being run by my active addictions. (Still haven't had a cigarette since January 10th, and even longer since I dealt w/ bud.)

And yesterday was another 24 hours. :)
 
I'm in such an irritable mood today because of opiate withdrawals. I went on a 3 week long oral opiate binge, and now I just wanna curl up and sleep and flip out on anyone who rubs me the wrong way :(
 
tumblr_mf5i5eTDkT1r89m3bo1_500.jpg


I started off today on a good note. A few things quickly went my way to start the day, and I felt some momentum. But all it took was a detour browsing travel photos online and the wind is out of my sails.

There's nothing beautiful about where I live right now. Even with an artist's eye, this place is cold, colourless and stale. My body craves being overwhelmed by nature. I miss that "open" feeling of being near a cityscape or mountains. I miss the emotions that come with being near water. I miss it all so much, that stuff is so life-affirming to me. I cannot rid the guilt/shame/embarrassment of having lost everything I worked for last year. I had made it. I moved overseas again to a beautiful country. Had a job, had a stable living situation, had all the means to sustain it and start a new life. And AGAIN addiction got the best of me. It hit hard and quick, as ferocious as ever. And months later, I was back where I started, only without anything but a suitcase and a backpack. I worked so hard to pull that off, and still failed.

The problem right now is that I am stuck in a very bad place financially and without a path I can see out of it. I'm living in a place without a job market. I have a job that pays me literally enough for my basic expenses, but not even enough to pay back the government debt I owe (which blocks my passport until paid in full) and the legal fees I have to pay back by summer, no excuses (a lot...thousands...no clue where that is going to come from). I have business ideas, tons of them, but obviously nobody's going to trust me enough to finance them. I actually would like to go back and get a second masters (in social work), but I cannot get funding for that either, and obviously I cannot finance it on my own. Or I could become a personal trainer, as I know a ton about that already, but again, you need to put money down for certification and all of that, and I am scared right now about where my food money for next week will come from.

And it's all very lonely too. I can recite all day these strategies I've developed for loneliness and whatnot, but the problem is that they don't always work. I miss being around people. I miss laughter, I miss romance, I miss human spontaneity. I miss people who actually understand art and beauty. I'm surrounded my miserable people in my current life. It's hard not to end up a misanthrope in this area, considering how ugly and economically depressed it is. The only jobs I can possibly find here are retail, and as one against materialism and who doesn't understand the constant cycle of making money to buy things other people sell to make money, I cannot fake this attitude with any real success. So this puts the jobs I can get on the line, as miserable bosses tell me to shape up (or else). I've applied to tons and tons of better jobs, but despite advanced degrees, I have a significant criminal record, destroyed credit and a bad job termination working against me. I've tried the "herbavore's brother" approach the job interviews a few times recently, though I didn't have any success.

And then there is the situation with my mother. My mother's coming down with Alzheimer's. It's very sad. But what's more is that she's now living with and is under the care of her brother, and this person (my uncle) is doing everything he can to completely shield her from me. He's a very conservative/religious type of man who looks at addicts as scum, and he has said very directly to me that "you will not see your mother or even communicate with her ever again if I have anything to do about it." I'm not allowed on their properly, obviously. So I guess I just have to accept this, but how hard is that? It's nearly impossible. All I want to do is show my mother that I am a success before she'd completely forget who I am (she still comprehends my life as one lost to drug addiction). To her, success would mean a nice job, nice car, attractive wife and whatnot, and at this point, I'd masquerade as "status-quo successful" if it meant that she could see this and fade away in a happier state. I want this so bad. So when I apply for jobs and get rejected for stupid drug laws having destroyed my life (I do take responsibly for my own addiction, yes, but at the same time, we live in a culture that does not easily hand out second chances), I become so enraged. Yes, I pride myself as a peaceful person who is always nice and caring, but when I think about this stuff blocking my chances to show my mother that I will be okay when she's gone, or her brother looking down on a past I am doing everything I can to no longer be attached to, I get physically enraged. I want to smash things, it is terrible. And then after I calm down, I still am emotionally upset with myself for being weak and giving into angry emotions.

I used to love living my life without any idea what would happen tomorrow. But I suppose that is when I had a financial safety net, so it really was an illusion. Once that net is gone and you really are in survival mode, it's no longer romantic. It's freakin' scary. I'm ready to make a deal with the devil right now, I don't really even care. Give me a suit and a briefcase and a job that will make me miserable, and I'll be 15 minutes early tomorrow. I'll tell everyone how great last night's episode of whatever was, I'll ask you about your kids' recitals, I'll be up-to-date with the latest sports news, etc. Perhaps this is a natural consequence of growing older, that you reach a point where you're ready to just give up for the safe of money and stability. I really don't want this to be the case, because I'd rather chase sunrises than money. I think that's the only way I could actually be happy...chasing sunrises.
 
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I'm still sober. I'm in the process of moving and taking care of some other things so I'll be in touch when I am able to.
 
i am not clean and sober like you guys.i take subs and weed to sleep and have ditched AA.
priest,i just received the recording of kurt cobain and ws burroughs on CD.
i feel too fragile to listen to it.is it heavy stuff?i love william burroughs,have read a lot of his books.
i couldn't imagine picking up naked lunch or dead roads or anything like that when in this state of mind.

anyways,sorry to derail,mods feel free to delete.
i don't really want any pms either.
i feel anxious.

gonna play some mozart.
 
ad lib said:
I'm in such an irritable mood today because of opiate withdrawals. I went on a 3 week long oral opiate binge, and now I just wanna curl up and sleep and flip out on anyone who rubs me the wrong way :(
Click to expand...

If you have the free time, curl up and sleep away. After any binge I sleep a whole lot while getting myself back together.

RedLeader said:
tumblr_mf5i5eTDkT1r89m3bo1_500.jpg


I started off today on a good note. A few things quickly went my way to start the day, and I felt some momentum. But all it took was a detour browsing travel photos online and the wind is out of my sails.

There's nothing beautiful about where I live right now. Even with an artist's eye, this place is cold, colourless and stale. My body craves being overwhelmed by nature. I miss that "open" feeling of being near a cityscape or mountains. I miss the emotions that come with being near water. I miss it all so much, that stuff is so life-affirming to me. I cannot rid the guilt/shame/embarrassment of having lost everything I worked for last year. I had made it. I moved overseas again to a beautiful country. Had a job, had a stable living situation, had all the means to sustain it and start a new life. And AGAIN addiction got the best of me. It hit hard and quick, as ferocious as ever. And months later, I was back where I started, only without anything but a suitcase and a backpack. I worked so hard to pull that off, and still failed.

The problem right now is that I am stuck in a very bad place financially and without a path I can see out of it. I'm living in a place without a job market. I have a job that pays me literally enough for my basic expenses, but not even enough to pay back the government debt I owe (which blocks my passport until paid in full) and the legal fees I have to pay back by summer, no excuses (a lot...thousands...no clue where that is going to come from). I have business ideas, tons of them, but obviously nobody's going to trust me enough to finance them. I actually would like to go back and get a second masters (in social work), but I cannot get funding for that either, and obviously I cannot finance it on my own. Or I could become a personal trainer, as I know a ton about that already, but again, you need to put money down for certification and all of that, and I am scared right now about where my food money for next week will come from.

And it's all very lonely too. I can recite all day these strategies I've developed for loneliness and whatnot, but the problem is that they don't always work. I miss being around people. I miss laughter, I miss romance, I miss human spontaneity. I miss people who actually understand art and beauty. I'm surrounded my miserable people in my current life. It's hard not to end up a misanthrope in this area, considering how ugly and economically depressed it is. The only jobs I can possibly find here are retail, and as one against materialism and who doesn't understand the constant cycle of making money to buy things other people sell to make money, I cannot fake this attitude with any real success. So this puts the jobs I can get on the line, as miserable bosses tell me to shape up (or else). I've applied to tons and tons of better jobs, but despite advanced degrees, I have a significant criminal record, destroyed credit and a bad job termination working against me. I've tried the "herbavore's brother" approach the job interviews a few times recently, though I didn't have any success.

And then there is the situation with my mother. My mother's coming down with Alzheimer's. It's very sad. But what's more is that she's now living with and is under the care of her brother, and this person (my uncle) is doing everything he can to completely shield her from me. He's a very conservative/religious type of man who looks at addicts as scum, and he has said very directly to me that "you will not see your mother or even communicate with her ever again if I have anything to do about it." I'm not allowed on their properly, obviously. So I guess I just have to accept this, but how hard is that? It's nearly impossible. All I want to do is show my mother that I am a success before she'd completely forget who I am (she still comprehends my life as one lost to drug addiction). To her, success would mean a nice job, nice car, attractive wife and whatnot, and at this point, I'd masquerade as "status-quo successful" if it meant that she could see this and fade away in a happier state. I want this so bad. So when I apply for jobs and get rejected for stupid drug laws having destroyed my life (I do take responsibly for my own addiction, yes, but at the same time, we live in a culture that does not easily hand out second chances), I become so enraged. Yes, I pride myself as a peaceful person who is always nice and caring, but when I think about this stuff blocking my chances to show my mother that I will be okay when she's gone, or her brother looking down on a past I am doing everything I can to no longer be attached to, I get physically enraged. I want to smash things, it is terrible. And then after I calm down, I still am emotionally upset with myself for being weak and giving into angry emotions.

I used to love living my life without any idea what would happen tomorrow. But I suppose that is when I had a financial safety net, so it really was an illusion. Once that net is gone and you really are in survival mode, it's no longer romantic. It's freakin' scary. I'm ready to make a deal with the devil right now, I don't really even care. Give me a suit and a briefcase and a job that will make me miserable, and I'll be 15 minutes early tomorrow. I'll tell everyone how great last night's episode of whatever was, I'll ask you about your kids' recitals, I'll be up-to-date with the latest sports news, etc. Perhaps this is a natural consequence of growing older, that you reach a point where you're ready to just give up for the safe of money and stability. I really don't want this to be the case, because I'd rather chase sunrises than money. I think that's the only way I could actually be happy...chasing sunrises.
Click to expand...

Amen to each and every one of your sentiments. I sympathize with your circumstances, and how you describe your feelings about them. You identified at least one thing that gives you at least a little bit of satisfaction. I'd start with that goal in mind. I'm a prayerful type, I'll keep you in mind, Red Leader.

PriestTheyCalledHim said:
I'm still sober. I'm in the process of moving and taking care of some other things so I'll be in touch when I am able to.
Click to expand...

Way to go, PTCH. I'll see you when you get settled!

thedawn said:
i am not clean and sober like you guys.i take subs and weed to sleep and have ditched AA.
priest,i just received the recording of kurt cobain and ws burroughs on CD.
i feel too fragile to listen to it.is it heavy stuff?i love william burroughs,have read a lot of his books.
i couldn't imagine picking up naked lunch or dead roads or anything like that when in this state of mind.

anyways,sorry to derail,mods feel free to delete.
i don't really want any pms either.
i feel anxious.

gonna play some mozart.
Click to expand...

I think your post should stay. At least for me, it resonates and reminds me that it hasn't been very long since I, too, would read the success posts and think to myself how far I felt from being capable of changing my lifestyle. Peace, thedawn.
 
You can do it Space. Sometimes it just takes a little extra pushing, and like wolfgang said, there's never a better time. ;)


Checking out a couple more apartments today. Wish me luck!
 
^^

Ugh good luck, man. I know how frustrating that search can be.. though maybe it's worse for me in NYC. Either way, when you finally find a good place, it's an awesome feeling.. but it can be really tedious.
 
Space Firebird said:
Thanks, guys.
Good luck on the apt search, case!
Click to expand...

Thanks man, I went and looked at a place today that looks like it's the one. It's in a different city then I wanted but still close by, also a city known for drugs and violence but like any city with bad areas it has good areas too and this place is actually in a nicer/safer area then I've been living in. AND ITS A HOUSE, it's a 4 bedroom house, not an apartment. We expanded our search radius because right where we live is a pretty expensive area, it's amazing how much cheaper things got when we went one more city in the other direction. The owner is going to use the ground floor bedroom as storage, so it will only be 1600 for a 3 bedrooms/3 story townhouse style house. It has a two car garage which is perfect cause I just got a car and my roommate has one too, so we're gonna get it and then sublet the third room to another friend of ours in AA. It's perfect, dropping off the lease applications tomorrow so with any luck the place is ours. :)

Otherwise, still sober. 24 more down. =D
 
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