I am so thrilled for you, SD. I know how scary it was in the beginning and I am so impressed that you just put your shoulders into it and pushed on through. 6 months is a long time! You make the world a better place every day--for the humans and the dogs (and the cats and rabbits!) and I admire you so much for all the time you put into that while dealing with your own struggles. You are a hero, girlfriend!
That's lovely what you said about SD. You're right she's an amazing person. She took a lot of time to help me when I first came here, though I gave her a lot of grief n didn't appreciate it at the time.
Although I don't really know you, I also admire you. You've lost your son I can't imagine that though you still take time out to come n help others.
Well done, SD, on 6 months. That's amazing it's extremely difficult to give up an addiction n yet you're proof it can be done.
Went for counselling today n I talked about my issues with never feeling like I belong anywhere n issues with rejection n disappointment. I also felt a bit guilty. People have been through a lot worse than me n they may deserve the counselling more. I only had a codeine addiction n some bad relationships (finding out bad stuff about them n thinking that there must be something wrong with me for falling for them). But I've been homeless, never taken heroin n so forth. So I kind of feel like I'm wasting the counsellor's time.... and mine.
Yeah me too.. couple that come to mind where on on Just War Precepts for all the major religions, one on the fucking we are going to take away your rights, which protect you from us, To protect you patriot act.. what a load of shit that whole piece of paper is.. anyone know if Rand Paul wants to repeal that vial unconstitutional document? As far a writing in college i think I liked argumentative writing, creative writing, some of the papers we did for the phenomenal professor for US history from civil to present, That profesor should just teach professors how to professe IMO, I think it was the only class where I saw a profesor get five minute standing ovation at its close, people that weren't even in the class would sit in the Aisles all the time cause every chair was filled almost all the time.
@ case are you following the 3 hours study for every hour in class rule? The vast majority of the most successful of my friends used this rule. There will be times where your like shit I dont even have that much to study.. but if you use the syllabus you can just work ahead.. this comes in real handy when the crunch times hit. getting behind in college is a damn death wish especially for recovering addicts, that stress can fucking kill us...
I loved being ahead.. its just way easier than being caught up or god forbid behind... I found there was always something I could do.. the funny thing about this is that by doing this I ended up studying a HELL of less than most others who were just keeping up.. Like say you dont have any current work but aren't up to the three hours planned to study.. skim a future chapter and jot down the important points, this way when you need to complete the reading or whatever for that class you have already seen it and your mind has chewed on it a little.. then once you are through the lecture you have seen it three times already.
Another thing that was really successful for me was to review all the notes for a class once a week. Also I Would review all the notes for the last three classes before I started on new material and then I would work the new material. And always at the end of the day I would review all the material for that day especially noting any questions I had. Then I would let my brain chew on it over night an more times than not I would know the answer in the morning.
Another thing to check into is many colleges have the old tests and answers posted for last year/s. If not you can hit up your professors and ask them for a copy of all the old tests they are willing to give you. This does allot of things.. its lets you know the testing style of the professor.. yeah they always usually hand out an old test a week before the test, but allot of college professors like to be tricky.. esp in math, physics. etc.. They say this is checking on your comprehension and weather or not you can combine topics.. which is true.. it also makes people panic and study harder since they got a C instead of the A they studied for.. But the real nice thing is that there are only so many tricks out there they can use..
side story
NSFW:
I remember the Cualculaouse head called me into his office.. He and I butted heads.. he usually won cause his head was much stronger in math than mine could ever pretend to be.. his testes were so hard that we could use anything we wanted on them.. texts, other texts, notes, anything besides a computer.. the high score was usually around a 40%.. I took his first class twice.. needed a B and i got a C the first time.. then I went on to caulc two.. I needed a C and I got a C- and I went to see him.. you know one man to another.. even though I had jut had a baby, owned my own business, had real life shit going on he would not raise the grade to a C to allow me to move on at that point.. He said "it wouldn't be fair to the others in the class"
So needless to say I was kinda pissed off.. that class it the weed out class for allot of hard majors.. less than 30% pass the first time.. less than 50% pass the second time. So by the time I went through the second time I could do all the problems in the three current calculus texts.. and I was still only getting 35% like the rest of the people. Time to play hardball at that point.. I went around and collected up all of his old tests.. I had a buddy who was head of a frat house and had studied engineering as well.. unfortunately they partied to hard and lost their charter.. but the tests for both 1 and 2 for five consecutive years (not semesters) so with mine and a few others I had 15 consecutive tests for both 1 and 2.
Most people at this point would have kept the tests and reaped the benefits of the curve. Not me freely gave them to anyone who wanted them. So in less than a day I was asked to stop by his office, which I did.. He was irritated to say the least.. he strongly asked that I stop handing these tests out.. cause in them they had every trick question he had been using to humble his students since the begining of time.. So he asked me to stop handing them out.. I said sorry but "that wouldn't be fair to the others in the class"
Yeah I should have played ball.. but shit in my crazy mind that little line was worth the hell of taking that class for a third time.
This may seem a little overboard.. but really its not and makes things so much easier.. this is the way the mind learns. its a way of comprehending and then transferring from a shorter term memory to an easily accessed long term memory. If you do this you will save yourself tons of time and stress.. So many people dont take the thirty minutes to do this every week day.. then they spend the two weeks before finals trying to get all those papers and last minute projects done, still learning the new material that's still coming in, and cramming like the devil to try and relearn the whole semester.. knowledge is so fleeting when we first learn it.. we can have the total concept down cristal clear the third week of the semester.. but if we dont review it so that it is placed in long term memory and is also highly linked so it is easily remembered... then so often what was crystal clear is down right muddy if we can find it at all. Then it gets even worse for them next year if their new classes are based off the old ones they crammed for as so much of that shit disappeared with the 30 bears they drink to try and get over the huge stress they have just put themselves through. The cram at the end is also so inefficient.. studying for three days strait or whatever under all that stress is like running an gasoline engine at read line using cooking oil as fuel.. it just doesn't work that well.
Just throwing some stuff that helped me out quite a bit hope it can help you as well.
Went for counselling today n I talked about my issues with never feeling like I belong anywhere n issues with rejection n disappointment. I also felt a bit guilty. People have been through a lot worse than me n they may deserve the counselling more. I only had a codeine addiction n some bad relationships (finding out bad stuff about them n thinking that there must be something wrong with me for falling for them). But I've been homeless, never taken heroin n so forth. So I kind of feel like I'm wasting the counsellor's time.... and mine.
At least 95% of the people I have met at AA/NA meetings can relate to that feeling, not fitting in anywhere ever since they were little kids. Among other negative feelings, this one being the main thread in common though... It's interesting. Nothing has changed in recovery, I still feel like I don't belong anywhere. I just try to ignore it now I guess..
And you aren't wasting the counselors time... I have met people in rehab who have literally lost their wife, kids, house, pet, bank accounts, car, everything - because of CANNABIS addiction. Point being that it doesn't matter what a substance is, addiction is addiction - so try not to compare your problems to other peoples problems because nobody can tell you that yours isn't as bad.
I really don't know why I bother using forums as a means of recovery. I don't fit in at all n never will. I had an opinion at something I went through n they all basically ganged up on me n ripped me apart. Well screw having an opinion or telling anyone about things again. My opinion was the same as everyone I know as they all feel the EXACT same way yet I come here express it n have everyone against me. fuck it because nothing is ever going to change is it. I'll always be enemy number one on the forums n the butt n joke for all the trolls
stupid me for expressing an opion
On the positive side (is there ever one) - I haven't touched touched my DOC since November. (Is this one of the social threads?)
Its good for us to remember that really common addict thinking is us against the world. The fellowships call this stinking thinking. Its something we will can have to battle for a long time. In order for us to relive ourselves of it we must change the way we look at the world. Its not easy and it takes practice. You have been making so much great progress in addressing the addict thinking.. keep it up!!
From that list of addict thinking.. as always the last thing I am doing is judging you or criticizing you just pointing out probable addict thinking as we all slip into old ways of thinking and it can really help at times like this if people who care about us and our recovery point them out.
Oh and I think you asked where that list came from.. it came from Hazeden.. arguably the best addiction rehab/research on the planet. here Since you are in UNI you can likely use your uni database find peer reviewed studies or papers that show how they identified the way we addicts often think.
You may want to see if you see any of this addict thinking present in that last post. Changing our thinking is most likely the hardest and most beneficial aspect to recovery. Your doing a great job and there is no judgment or criticism in my entire post. The problem with addict thinking is we then use it as a reason to begin to pity ourselves and this can snowball and make us feal so uncomfortable we feal like getting relief and can use it as "justification" to use our DOC or any drug to excess.
4. have difficulty accepting personal criticism and become threatened and angry when criticized
6. are self-rejecting or self-alienated
8. are usually lonely even when surrounded by people
13. judge life in absolutes: black or white, right or wrong
11. see the world as a jungle filled with selfish people who "aren't there" for them
10. feel unappreciated and think they don't fit in
NSA i will read that post when I'm in a calmer mood I told the counsellor I'd try not to not write angry posts when angry n upset. Couldn't even do 1 day.
Yes this is more common than a lot of people think. It's easy to make excuses as to why nothing is working just so "we" can convince ourselves that it's ok to continue to use the drug we have been abusing. Our minds play many tricks on us, sober or not.
The times that I went to AA/NA I would go knowing full well that I don't believe in God and that 12 steps don't mean much to me. I would go because the internet just wasn't cutting it or just because I wanted to. I would go because I needed help and I deserve it.
One of the more remarkable members I met was someone who does not drink or do any drugs! This person has an eating disability and does not have access to meetings as easily as us drug addicts! This person has even more difficult time "fitting in" than any one of us introverted drug addicts here, and manages to look over all the bullshit and get straight to the good stuff, what all of this is about-RECOVERY!
It's not about fitting in. It's not really even about drugs. It's about getting better.
I have 353 days sober from all mindaltering substances, and almost 3 years sober from the opiates that brought me to my knees. It feels amazing, but as Caseface and I have already discussed, now is not the time to start thinking I've got this thing beat. I had a year clean from 2008-2009, and then was in a three car collision that totalled my car. I was offered pain killers by the doctor that afternoon, and it was off to the races.
Looking back at this past year, I think the most difficult and trying period was the holidays. There is such an abundance of accepted social drinking during that time, that even when someone is inebriated it is seen as "good ol holiday cheer." It took a lot of strength to say no to the hundreds of drinks that were not only offered, but poured for me during that time.
What about you all? Has anyone else found that a particular period of time was the hardest to stay on the sober path?
Changing-of-seasons always triggers me. When springtime is in the air, I get cravings to get some heroin and go to the park to have a picnic, watch the clouds, bliss-out, etc. And when it gets cold and dark earlier, and the leaves fall and everything gets all somber-looking, I want to take something to stay positive. This is obviously compounded by actually having done so in past years.
I also get triggered when I travel, especially internationally. I always enjoyed getting drunk immediately upon exiting a foreign airport and basking in that amazement that is actually being in a new place. As well, there is always a curiosity about what local pharmacies stock and whatnot. I also like to stay in hostels, which are typically populated by drinkers and people permissive of drugs.
^ You nailed two of my biggest red.. travel, and fall time are the strongest times I receive the biggest push. Good sex can also be a trigger for me. Unfortunately reading good literature as well.
I agree, Red. The seasonal change is a big trigger for me. The start of any new season, makes me think about what it was like doing dope during that time of the year.. the taste of the air, the look of the trees, the sounds, everything.
I got it bad once fall came around and I know I'll get it bad again once summer hits. Those are the two hardest for me for some reason. I think I just always went on my biggest tares and suffered the worst during fall and summer, so when they come around, all those feelings and memories flood back in.
I hear all of you on the seasonal triggers. Ever since I was a young child I have been very sensitive (to everything), but particularly sensitive to darkness and light. As an adult, whenever we set our clocks forward for the fall/winter, I always got depressed. Of course this low mood always led me to use more as well. This is one of the reasons why I only lasted 7 years in NYC--I simply couldn't take the winters. Here is the Bay Area it is typically longsleeve shirt weather in the "winter" and teeshirt weather for the rest of the months.
I've been smoking the real thing since I was 13 (now 36), and recently I worked a short job where I was drug tested so I had to quit smoking. During that time my friend introduced me to synthetic marijuana, which was good in the sense that it wouldn't show up on a basic 5 panel test (it didn't).
Smoking cannabis was alright because I could grow it, but I can't handle the $300 a week habit this synthetic habit is now costing me. 1 bag doesn't even last me 1 day.
The problem I've got is that unless I'm stoned I suffer terrible depression and anxiety, and I can't be around people during this time because I get so angry at them.
Ahhh I don't know what to do..
The thing is there's a possibility I may get a full time job at my old work, which means I would get drug tested again..
Hey Heist. It sounds like you have a decision to make. What is more important to you, the job or marijuana? Also it sounds like you may have issues with depression and anxiety so you might want to consider finding a way to deal with those issues before you take on anything else. It's up to you.
Just ran into my old heroin dealer downtown. Was exiting an establishment and basically came face-to-face with him. It was a terribly awkward conversation, he tried putting the heroin in my face, he was flanked by his usual girls who tried to flirt with me, and so on. I excused myself from the conversation and took off on foot, not tempted at all really, just feel awkward. C'est la vie...
Solid show Red Leader.. may consider just keeping an extra close eye on how you are doing for a day or two.. I have had a few times where its like a hard trigger like that took a little while to show its ugly face.. guys a pusher.. I get some deep satisfaction these days at laughing at pushers or people who like to use drugs to try and control people. Such weak ass people usually. I love the stupid look on their faces when waving the "magic' bindle doesn't have any effect.. I say no thanks pleasant enough. but the cocky smile and the wink let them know what im really thinking.
and I admire you so much for all the time you put into that while dealing with your own struggles. You are a hero, girlfriend!
