Shootingstar22
Bluelighter
Hi, this is my first post in this forum and I rely need someone to talk to because I have nobody in my actual life to talk to without attending a meeting and I don't want to do that. I've been sober from cocaine since December 2011. About a year and a half. Before that I had a weekly habit for about 8 months. I spent a ton of money risked my marriage by hiding it from my spouse and even had a trip to the hospital alone at 4am after my heart wouldn't stop beating fast for 2 hrs. I continued my use for another month and then I got pregnant.I was relieved and stated soybeans had a beautiful daughter. She is now 10 minigolf and the light of my life. I'm really enjoying motherhood and we moved into a beautiful new home, I lost all my baby weight and busted my ass over the wintertime lose an additional 25 lbs I've had on for the past 5 years.I started running 3 times a week. I also haven't had a cigarette in 17 months. I have everything going for me right now. Even an amazing career that I've been on maternity leave from and I go back in 2 months.
Now here's the part I need help with. My husband is going away for a couple days next week and I'm scared I'm going to relapse. I still occasionally smoke weed and its my same dealer I can get coke from. I find my mind fantasizing about my mom watching my daughter for the night and me doing a half and feeling free and having fun. Then I realize I could lose everything if I got caught or worse what if it started my addiction up again? I feel disgusted with my self for these feelings but then I feel exited. I've had the devil on my shoulder for the past few days and I rely need to talk. If I got arrested id lose everything, even though odds are I wouldn't. I know my dealer but there its always that chance. Please help me, I don't want to relapse!
Now here's the part I need help with. My husband is going away for a couple days next week and I'm scared I'm going to relapse. I still occasionally smoke weed and its my same dealer I can get coke from. I find my mind fantasizing about my mom watching my daughter for the night and me doing a half and feeling free and having fun. Then I realize I could lose everything if I got caught or worse what if it started my addiction up again? I feel disgusted with my self for these feelings but then I feel exited. I've had the devil on my shoulder for the past few days and I rely need to talk. If I got arrested id lose everything, even though odds are I wouldn't. I know my dealer but there its always that chance. Please help me, I don't want to relapse!