fear of hell.

[Bearlove]

Well, haven't had a drink or any drugs in days. I feel much better and clear headed.

I'm beginning to feel, and look like myself again.

However, I realized it's been two months since I last saw her. And about five weeks since I last spoke to her.

That's more than enough time to move on from someone even if you were together for 26 months if your in different towns, compleytley cut off from each other.

I always envisioned in my head that if I killed myself, she would mourn. And at least try and remember the good times. Cause atm it seems like she's just decided to act like I never exisisted. But I realized in a dream last night that she might not actually care that much now. Particuarly if it was an OD, she might just think 'typical junkie hex, bound to happen at some point'.

And there are other things i've done that are going to make life very very hard very soon. And winter will be here before we know it, and I am not ready for a winter by myself.

So I guess, i'm still undecided as to what to do :/

You know that the clearer your head the more able you will be to cope with and manage anything coming your way. Do you not have any relative or friend who could possibly stay with for a while until you get yourself sorted out?

 

[hisredrighthand]

You should try to turn all your pain and despair into prayer. Turn to Christ and beseech him to help you, to give you solace and to guide you. He is faithful and just to forgive. In the end He will help you, as He has helped me.

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." (Revelation 21:4)

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+8:31-39&version=KJV&interface=print

 

[Raasyvibe]

^ Well said.

 

[hexagram]

trired to end it all with 250 clonazaolm mixed with booze last night, didn't work.

The batch I had looked whowhere near 250mgs though.

may ry hanging today,though I don't like the sound of the pain.

 

[steewith2ees]

just dont try any of it - you need to get with someone now or call 999n and tell them exactly what you have described above. Youve gone great lengths Hex to make every member of this board realise how desperate you are and how much pain you are in, but we cannot physically intervene in that sort of behaviour. If I had any of your personal details I would be calling an ambulance as this is a psychiatric emergency - reach out to someone now

 

[Jackal]

Get yourself sectioned if you have nothing to live for.

Never know, it could prove interesting if nothing else, and beats death by a fair few furlongs.

 

[Sadie]

Hex, PM me! Don't go doing anything daft! Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Having just buried my nephew for just this thing I don't want to see anyone else do the same daft thing! I can't even bring myself to look at pictures of him with out breaking down. Think of the people you leave behind if nothing else.

 

[ScotchMist]

Never know, it could prove interesting if nothing else, and beats death by a fair few furlongs.

A couple of people I know who sectioned themselves or others did are truly grateful now that they did.

Not just for the help that they received at their darkest and lowest but also for the experience, they said it was hilarious at times which probably sounds odd, but they made some great friends in there who cared and helped one another. When you're feeling or literally alone the lift you get from realising that you're not on your own is powerfull..

 

[herbavore]

Hexagram, there is much concern and genuine care for you here in this forum where you are known and valued. Sometimes we can only see the love we are denied and not the love that is all around us for the taking. Your life has value and meaning even when you lose sight of that because the loneliness of your current circumstances is so crushing. Keep yourself safe in whatever way you can, even if it means checking into a hospital for a bit. I've done that. There's no shame in it at all. Sometimes it takes so much courage to simply rekindle hope inside yourself. It sounds like you are exhausted. Let yourself float for a while without judgment. Making peace with a certain amount of loneliness in your life is the best thing you can ever do. We all feel it and spend a lot of time and energy running from it but if you can stop and turn around and get to know it, it's not always the monster our perception has been making it into.

Let the good people here that care for you hold you up until you can get your feet under you again. The world needs people with strong emotions. They may be difficult to navigate or even survive at times but a life without them would be a very empty life indeed.

 

[da man]

shit i thought u were on the mend mate and over the suicidal thoughts. seriously tho leave tthe H alone, i know it helps while your high on it, but the next few days after u are so low and emotional it wont help at all. u need to stay away from ALL drugs for a couple of weeks sort ur head out and re evaluate your new life.

 

[Rachella666]

Are you ok Hex? Please please reconsider your actions, think of the people who you will hurt, listen to me, my boyfriend committed suicide last year and even though I loved him, I hated him for what he done to me, what pain he put me through. Get yourself sectioned, please! We are here for you buddy, if not in person, as an outreach, you are loved Hex, remember that.

 

[rokkinrollaa6]

Going to give you my 2 cents, and I do not care what anyone has to say. Listen to my words my friend, please.

Mate you need to pray hard. Trust in God completely to guide you, and he will. Look, I'm a junkie, a drunk, a womanizer, an asshole, and i have a temper. I spent most of my life violently trying not to listen to God and he came to me anyway and I ran into his arms with weeping, horrible tears in pure humility. I now speak to him daily and pray, but as a Jew my tradition is different, yet still I have immense respect for both Islam and Christianity. My father is a Christian (my mother is Jewish and my parents had a jewish wedding, but my father converted to Christianity later) and my wife is a Sunni Muslim.

As a person struggling with hardcore depression myself and suicidal thoughts my whole life, and several suicide attempts, I know how low you can get. I said fuck off to God most of my life because as a large, muscular man (some say alpha male), I was not going to let some mythical tyrant dictate my life. Especially if I can't get on the piss, defend my honor, or shag a slavic girl hard, or have a shot of the morphine.

But I got it all wrong mate. God is not there to moralize and judge you and turn you into some sort of happy go lucky virginal cunt without a sense of individuality or free will. you don't have to up and change all your pleasures either.

God can show you the path within yourself if you choose to follow his light. I personally believe that Catholicism and Eastern Orthodoxy are healthier places to put ones faith than protestant churches, but the point here is that something stopped you. maybe for the wrong reason, but here's my advice.

You are in profound spiritual agony, which is obvious. I myself tried to switch the off switch before several times in very messy ways.

Let me ask you this. If you are so close to killing yourself - why not put aside your pride for a bit and try praying or try going back to church? or even something else.

You're worried about something for the absolute wrong reason man. Hell or heaven existing or not existing is no reason to believe in God or Christ. In my religion we do not even have a hell. so if there is no heaven, no hell, why believe?

No one is forcing you, and I do not believe in preaching. But something inside of you stopped you and that may be God trying to making you think of something deeper. You should pursue some form of spirituality in something. Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism, Islam, hell even paganism. The point is that something is deeper than the mere flesh and you sense it. Other people will argue against this with all sorts of logical arguments and all sorts of "reasons" why you should or shouldn't do something, but I think you should try opening up your soul and searching and asking for guidance. maybe you won't get any and maybe you won't become a believer again but maybe you will and it will help guide you. I did 14 years of atheism, and had a life changing experience and found my way back to my people's land in Israel. I found my way. I just trusted in God to help guide me.

sorry if I come off like a preaching arsehole here, and i do not mean to. I just hope you can find your way back to faith and that it can help you in tough spots. The pain of a woman hurting you shall pass, but deeper than that you need to find what can sustain you outside of her.

It's not about being perfect either or changing every aspect of your personality. fight against the pain by searching for something deeper within yourself.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

Hexagram, get yer bleedin' head together man, you're up and down like a fuckin' yo-yo at the moment! Ever seen 'Suicidal Sid' in Viz? It's a cartoon about a guy who's always trying to pop his cork, but fails every time - a bit like you really... It's obviously not your time to go yet, so give it up as a bad job and channel your despair into turning your life around instead. Never mind all this prayer business, all you need is a good slap and plenty of male bondage, er, I mean 'bonding'. My advice to you is put on 20 stone, join a rugby club, wear your underpants on your head whilst drunkenly singing '4 & 20 virgins came down from Inverness' and get in those communal showers for some macho malarkey!

Finally, please consider the pain and misery your suicide would inflict on those you love and those you've yet to love. Take it easy bro'...

 

[herbavore]

Sincerely hope that you are feeling better about your life today, Hexagram.

 

[ColtDan]

Hexagram, get yer bleedin' head together man, you're up and down like a fuckin' yo-yo at the moment! Ever seen 'Suicidal Sid' in Viz? It's a cartoon about a guy who's always trying to pop his cork, but fails every time - a bit like you really... It's obviously not your time to go yet, so give it up as a bad job and channel your despair into turning your life around instead. Never mind all this prayer business, all you need is a good slap and plenty of male bondage, er, I mean 'bonding'. My advice to you is put on 20 stone, join a rugby club, wear your underpants on your head whilst drunkenly singing '4 & 20 virgins came down from Inverness' and get in those communal showers for some macho malarkey!

Finally, please consider the pain and misery your suicide would inflict on those you love and those you've yet to love. Take it easy bro'...

This

 

[hisredrighthand]

You're worried about something for the absolute wrong reason man. Hell or heaven existing or not existing is no reason to believe in God or Christ.

I agree - I think the reason why you should be wary of dying without having found God is that before you go wherever it may be that you'll be going, you will have to stand before Him. You will stand before the Almighty God in all His formidable glory and face the realisation that He who made you and knows you truly did love you, did literally love you to death.
And that it is you who turned away from Him, and not the other way round.

 

[BecomingJulie]

..... But how do you know which of the five-digit number of Gods ever worshipped by humans is the right one? The God you end up answering to might not be entirely happy about you having spent so much time worshipping a competitor. And surely any deity worth believing in would know the difference between a sincerely-held belief and one feigned in order to curry favour with them? These are just two of the problems with the Pascal's Wager Fallacy (a third being that even believers don't actually think it's a very convincing argument).

If anything, the Pascal's Wager Fallacy makes the point that since you don't have sufficient information regarding which God, if any, to believe in (you have to split one row of your decision matrix into "the God I have been worshipping exists" and "a different God exists than the one I have been worshipping" and one column into "Really Believe" and "Pretend to Believe"), then you may as well just try to live the best life you can; do the right thing because it's the right thing and not to try to please any sort of invisible policeman; and in the vanishingly-unlikely event of you being called to account for yourself before a deity, just wing it -- after all, the odds are still in your favour that they won't be the violent, murderous, sociopathic monsters described in the Bible or the Qur'an.

 

[Sadie]

Seeing as I was just speaking about this post I find this reply quite delicious!


YUM!

 

[hisredrighthand]

..... But how do you know which of the five-digit number of Gods ever worshipped by humans is the right one? The God you end up answering to might not be entirely happy about you having spent so much time worshipping a competitor.

I believe that in the beginning it is certainly possible to turn to God without being sure about all the specifics. And then just ask for His guidance in your life and in worship of Him.

after all, the odds are still in your favour that they won't be the violent, murderous, sociopathic monsters described in the Bible or the Qur'an.

I don't think sociopath is an apt term in this context. A sociopath is somebody who violates social norm because of environment and upbringing. God is by definition not a product of His environment, rather He is unchangeable and the creator of all things. As for social norms, those are the rules men give themselves to govern society. By and large we don't follow the rules God made for us - do we really expect God to follow rules we set for Him? If God was bound by the rules we make - i.e. if He was not a sociopath as you call it - then He would not be omnipotent and thus would not be God.


"God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent." (Number 23:19)

 

[SmokingAces]

I have been contemplating suicide for a while now, made one attempt.

The thing that's stopping me atm is I grew up going to church. It was an intense, penecostal church. And whilst I think the bible dosen't make sense, I saw and experienced things growing up that make me question.

Much as I want to die, there is still a little part of me that is fucking terrified it might all be true, and if it is, then I am truly fucked. After all, what's worse than hell?

Anyone have any views on the afterlife? what happens after you die?

No offence mate but you really do need mental help. Your posting as of late is very very dark. I think people here can help but first you must help yourself by stopping punishing yourself by abusing hard drugs.

Just a tip, but when you feel like it's the end of the world ketamine or MXE can be a very powerful anti depressant. I would give the brown a rest and try some k-holing. Just trying to help mate.