I'm on Day One I guess of a 60-70 oxycodone habit of 15 years. I should be going on Day 3 but nooooo. Had to swipe some from a family member. God how sick is that? I took 10 mgs. yesterday around 3pm and here I am. I feel so disgusted with myself. I guess I deserve to feel this way and worse for the things I have done. I have lied. I have taken them from family. I have kept it a secret from my husband. I have children and I have missed their school functions because I was either anti-social from taking oxy or I was withdrawing. Now here I sit in tears pouring my heart out and knowing full well I deserve every bad thing that comes my way for letting this happen.
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Fear and Loathing
- Thread starter Amy777
- Start date
Kittycat5
Bluelighter
Dont beat yourself up. Ive done much of that but know it was because I was hooked. I dont have kids, but remember, they still love you. You wont have to earn their trust back. As long as you are dedicated, you can beat it and get on with life.
Amy... I have done similar things.. I have stolen pills from people, I fractured my own wrist to get a script, I've been there. This doesn't define who you are. We were not born with this shit inside of us and there is life after. I never thought I would make it to day 7 without Suboxone but I'm doing it. We need to be stronger then "IT" for our kids.
Thank you for being there for me. I spent most of the day crying and finally worked up the nerve to tell my husband. Of course I left out the gritty details for right now but at least he knows that yes I am addicted to my pain medication, Oxycodone. I do get it for legitimate reasons but I'm so sick of this having control of my life. I plan my life around when I'll get a refill and I'm so, so tired of withdrawals here and there.
I am petrified for tonight. I'm scared to death of what may come. I can handle gut distress, puking, body aches but I cannot deal with anxiety and that horrible despair feeling. I keep telling myself it will pass. I won't be like this forever and I hope to God I'm telling myself the truth.
I had quit oxycodone cold turkey on Thursday with my last doses that day around 15mg in morning, 15 mg mid morning, I think about 1/2 of a 15 which would be 7.5mgs. I felt like I could conquer this. No problem! I've withdrawn before and made it 10 days. I can do this. Well hell. I completely forgot how BAD it makes me feel. So bad that I don't want to go through this anymore. I can't. Moving along to a little over 28 hours, I snagged three 5 mgs from a family member. Now I really feel bad. Anyway, I took those between 11am and 3pm. It is now 5:51. Did I set myself alllllll the way back to square one or should I be feeling more like myself tomorrow or Sunday.
Alone, we're going to get thru this. I can't go back. I simply cannot do this every month and I can't trust myself to take the proper dosage. I have to stop. I have gained over 30lbs. I became anti-social. All I wanted to do was lay around with my medicine. I've missed so much already these past 15+ years.
I am petrified for tonight. I'm scared to death of what may come. I can handle gut distress, puking, body aches but I cannot deal with anxiety and that horrible despair feeling. I keep telling myself it will pass. I won't be like this forever and I hope to God I'm telling myself the truth.
I had quit oxycodone cold turkey on Thursday with my last doses that day around 15mg in morning, 15 mg mid morning, I think about 1/2 of a 15 which would be 7.5mgs. I felt like I could conquer this. No problem! I've withdrawn before and made it 10 days. I can do this. Well hell. I completely forgot how BAD it makes me feel. So bad that I don't want to go through this anymore. I can't. Moving along to a little over 28 hours, I snagged three 5 mgs from a family member. Now I really feel bad. Anyway, I took those between 11am and 3pm. It is now 5:51. Did I set myself alllllll the way back to square one or should I be feeling more like myself tomorrow or Sunday.
Alone, we're going to get thru this. I can't go back. I simply cannot do this every month and I can't trust myself to take the proper dosage. I have to stop. I have gained over 30lbs. I became anti-social. All I wanted to do was lay around with my medicine. I've missed so much already these past 15+ years.
w0w0mg
Bluelighter
You're doing great!
It get's better, you know that.
If you ever need some advice, or have questions, please feel free to ask!
We're here for you!!
Much love!
It get's better, you know that.
If you ever need some advice, or have questions, please feel free to ask!
We're here for you!!
Much love!
Eveleivibe
Ex-Bluelighter
Hiya Amy, you're acknowledging your mistakes n taking responsibility for them. That's positive. Addiction changes us, often has us behaving in ways we wouldn't normally behave. While acknowledging n taking responsibility is positive, self loathing won't achieve anything positive. Just because you're behaviour is something you need to address doesn't mean that yiu are, in any way, a bad person (I am also changing aspects of my behaviour that haven't been positive of late!). You can change things around. Good luck with getting yourself well. I wish you success 
Evey
Evey
Eveleivibe
Ex-Bluelighter
Try something like tonic water, bananad or valarian root tea x
Evey
Evey
Cosmic Trigger
Bluelighter
No you don't deserve this. Fear is normal and hiding is normal. Be at peace and best of luck.
Take a long hot shower or a hot bath. It's weird but I find that if I get on the floor when I'm feeling those restless legs and stretch it helps a little. Bicycle kicks anything to try and get that tension and energy out of those muscles. I've had so many nights laying in bed when the bed was turning into an utter torture chamber. I would lay there and just tap one foot or wiggle my toes and try to fall asleep. I know girl it's awful! But you can get through it! Every minute counts!! Keep it up! I'm here for you! Tomorrow will be Day 8 off the subs for me. I took a walk with my son today and collected bugs and sat in the sun.. I felt like I was trippin cause all the trees look so vibrant and I could hear all the birds and bugs. My senses were dulled for far too long. You got this!!
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Amy and Alone, I'm so glad your paths crossed--I think you can be a good source of support for each other.
[MENTION=56538]amy[/MENTION], you do not deserve anything bad.
[MENTION=50612]Alone[/MENTION]--so glad you had a good day (or at least a part of it). There is nothing I love more than walking around with a little kid looking at bugs. Kids are little scientists. They get you to think about things in more and more detail when they keep asking "Why?"
[MENTION=56538]amy[/MENTION], you do not deserve anything bad.
[MENTION=50612]Alone[/MENTION]--so glad you had a good day (or at least a part of it). There is nothing I love more than walking around with a little kid looking at bugs. Kids are little scientists. They get you to think about things in more and more detail when they keep asking "Why?"
Wow, Alone!! I'm so so happy for you!! I can't wait to get to that point. I need to stop beating myself up for not quitting in 2010, 2007, 2015. I tried back then too and my dosage was much much smaller.
I have a feeling its going to be a long night. I took some benadryl for sleep and now I'm wondering if that was a bad idea. Of course I also smoke and drink caffeine. I know that doesn't help but I can't quit everything at once now.
Mind if I ask about your story?
I can't wait to get to that point. I need to stop beating myself up for not quitting in 2010, 2007, 2015. I tried back then too and my dosage was much much smaller.I have a feeling its going to be a long night. I took some benadryl for sleep and now I'm wondering if that was a bad idea. Of course I also smoke and drink caffeine. I know that doesn't help but I can't quit everything at once now.
Mind if I ask about your story?
I can't sleep. I'm on Day 2 right now. Feels like Day 4-ever! :D I'm feeling slightly better. I don't feel as much despair as I did earlier. I don't feel as good as I want but not as bad as I did when I wrote this. I could be wrong but I have this gut feeling that I will start feeling better tomorrow. Symptoms right now are nausea, insomnia, restless legs, slight diarrhea but I only took the recommended dose on the box, slight agitation, mild to moderate anxiety but more on mild side, no appetite, smoking like a chimney, praying for the sun to come up, wondering how long I have to feel like this and what will I do next week. I'm also reflecting on how I let this happen in the first place.
mrsnowygrainius
Bluelighter
hi, you need to start thinking about how you are going to stay clean for the LONG TERM. you should feel 100% physically in 2-3 weeks, and what will happen is you will feel so happy and motivated this is called "the pink cloud" and it don't last long... after the cloud dissipates you will be hit with mind crushing depression
this type of depression is the blackest, most hopeless, soul sucking feeling you will come to know. this depression is what causes people to go back to using. lets get real.. would you rather live life everyday absolutely miserable, hating life, getting no pressure from anything (anhedonia, look it up, it comes from opiate withdrawal) OR go back to using...
I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just trying to give you a heads up and prepare you for what will come. Me personally, I could not deal with that kind of depression after getting clean so I just avoided it, Ive been on suboxone maintenance for 4 years now but I also don't recommend that. Best luck to you.
this type of depression is the blackest, most hopeless, soul sucking feeling you will come to know. this depression is what causes people to go back to using. lets get real.. would you rather live life everyday absolutely miserable, hating life, getting no pressure from anything (anhedonia, look it up, it comes from opiate withdrawal) OR go back to using...
I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just trying to give you a heads up and prepare you for what will come. Me personally, I could not deal with that kind of depression after getting clean so I just avoided it, Ive been on suboxone maintenance for 4 years now but I also don't recommend that. Best luck to you.
The Dark Side is a dark, dark place indeed. I felt a little bit better this morning but now I'm back to feeling like death's door. I wonder if I can make it. I wonder if it DOES get better. I can't handle the soul crushing despair and darkness. I just want to be one of those people that decided enough is enough and they stopped. I slept no more than 1 hour and stayed awake for 2-3 hours. Repeated this about 3 times last night. My mind is jumbled. I can't remember how many hours it has been or how many more I need to go to get thru withdrawals. I think I'm around 43 hours since my last little 5 mgs pill and almost 72 since my full doses of 15-30mgs at a sitting.
I'm doing fine with gut aches and stopped the Immodium yesterday. I can deal with nausea and diarrhea. I cannot deal with lack of sleep, constant anxiety and the overall feeling that life will not ever be the same again. I know I need to make changes to adjust to living sober but I can't even go there now. It seems so daunting like climbing Mt. Everest.
I'm doing fine with gut aches and stopped the Immodium yesterday. I can deal with nausea and diarrhea. I cannot deal with lack of sleep, constant anxiety and the overall feeling that life will not ever be the same again. I know I need to make changes to adjust to living sober but I can't even go there now. It seems so daunting like climbing Mt. Everest.
Oh don't I know it. I'm sure I'm not the absolute best or smartest person about any of this but I do care and I know what your dealing with. I took Xanax to make me sleep a couple nights... I didn't take it last night and I woke up off and on but slept most of the night. I also had clonidine which is blood pressure meds that help with the hot and cold sweats. Keep at it girl! We had babies it takes so much strength to do that. We can get through it!!
Oh I feel like I'm not going to make it!! I feel about the same or perhaps a tad worse than yesterday. Feel really depressed and hopeless. I haven't been able to accurately judge my withdrawal time and the dosage I was on. I go back to reread what I wrote and I'm thinking "Huh?" So to set things straight, I was on oxy 60 to 70 mgs a day. My days consisted of take dose when I woke up. Take nap after dropping kids off at school. Take another dose upon waking from nap. Take dose at dinner and again in the middle of the night. I finally got tired of always running out before my refill and sit there counting hours until my script was ready. This time I've counted the days until it is ready but then I remind myself to just stay sober today. Right now. Stay sober one more minute or one more hour.
Anyway, my last oxy dose was on Wednesday at the regular time but took my last one that midmorning. Made it through the first 24 hours when I went to took three 5s from a family member. Chugged those down by 1pm on Thursday. Thursday night was hell. Last night was hell. I suspect tonight will be hell and I don't know if I can take it anymore.
Anyway, my last oxy dose was on Wednesday at the regular time but took my last one that midmorning. Made it through the first 24 hours when I went to took three 5s from a family member. Chugged those down by 1pm on Thursday. Thursday night was hell. Last night was hell. I suspect tonight will be hell and I don't know if I can take it anymore.
Whatever you have to do to get through those moments no matter how silly you feel just do it. I would get up in the night and just wonder the house or sit in the kitchen then go take an hour long hot shower. Just to get through it. You can do it!! Try putting a heating pad on your legs, do you have any melatonin to help you sleep or try to sleep? This may feel the endless night but you will be stronger when it's over. Hope your doing ok.
Alone, I'm still here. Day 4 finished and starting Day 5. Why can't time be this slow when good things are happening? Our childhood and teen years fly by but Day 4 of withdrawal takes forever!!
I'm doing a lot of reflecting. Trying to pinpoint what made me start and what to do now. I'm a chronic pain patient but I'm so tired of this shit. I swear sometimes it seemed like I was in MORE pain with the opiate than I've been since I've been off of it. Still can't sleep more than a couple of hours but I'm making it!
I'm doing a lot of reflecting. Trying to pinpoint what made me start and what to do now. I'm a chronic pain patient but I'm so tired of this shit. I swear sometimes it seemed like I was in MORE pain with the opiate than I've been since I've been off of it. Still can't sleep more than a couple of hours but I'm making it!