Fat Shot

I remember those fat shots. Hitting the floor is a gimme, the flopping around on the ground is a certainty. Prior to that realization, before the train, before the darkness, the words 'Oh fuck' are uttered. No exclamation point. Just a statement of acceptance and fear.

How does it end? Stroke? Death? Pretty close but neither happened. I don't know how the fuck not, but the worst that happened was a paralyzing fear that if I moved any muscles it would cause my heart to explode from the effort.

I laid on the floor for hours once. Sweating, shaking, afraid.

I can apply that 'fat shot' experience to my feelings the past few days. Is the negativity going to take me to the edge or is it going to completely take me the fuck out? The after effects of those shots always went away in time. This will as well.

 

Hope you are okay.......

 

Good reading. Sadly, it's amazing you have the stomach to read mine practicing my sickness. I don't know what your idea of a so called "fat shot" is, but it certainly doesn't coincide with mine! (That would be a rush of long lasting euphoric chemical of the go fast variety--w/o panic, paranoia, but magic, & adrenaline surge of pure energetic mental alertness & mental pirctures in fast forward...) Yeah I think I like my definition of "fat shots" A LOT better!

 

P.S For what it's worth, just an observation, but going by your recovery journals, you're definitely the "live in the solution" type. I know of this negativity you speak of very well, but in recovery, all I had to do was pick up the phone & call my sponsor. If she wasn't available, then a "sponsee sister." If none of them were available, then the Never Alone list of complete strangers, friends I technically hadn't met yet, but on a deeper level had so long ago. It's gota suck to be a guy because the last thing guys do is discuss their feelings, but what the hell, live dangerously. Your sponsor has probably heard it before. Peace & prayers 2 u ok.

 

yeah, a fat shot for me is the scary kind that takes you right to the point of hitting the floor or actually does drop you. those ones that you think you may die from.

You're on point with your suggestion of calling someone when I'm off balance and fucked in the head. I was sharing at a meeting last night how I speak to my sponsor regularly but usually its when I'm in a good mood, have a question about NA, or the 12 and 12. Its never when I'm messed up in the head because I don't want to sound like a whiny little pussy.

A dude told me that that really wasn't fair of me to do. I have no problem listening to someone when they're in a bad spot (I actually crave it because it makes me feel pretty good) but dude said that it isn't right to take like that and not give something of myself in return when I'm having a hard time.

I gotta work on that. Most definitely. I've grown complacent in trying new, unfamiliar/uncomfortable positive things and really should get back to growing again.

Thanks TJ, you solidified the fact that simple action/simple changes are often the best remedy. Bleh! I hate change and 'new' is always uncomfortable but I guess 'new' never lasts long so I may as well just get to it