Last Friday the 13th, I got some news that really hit me hard. I’ve not been feeling all the great because of having to go through the w/ds lately to begin with, but I thought I’d better call Alice, my brother’s mother to see what is up. The conversation I had with my brother’s wife not too long ago didn’t go so well, so instead of just wondering forever what the deal is, I got up the nerve to call and ask. She said that Dawn, my bro’s wife had told her that I had been rude to her on the phone. “WHAT? I WAS NOT!!,” I protested. All I did was ask to speak to Ed. Well according to Alice I should have tried really talking to her. “You were too cut and dried, Tanya and you just can’t be that way with people,” said Alice. “Huh? And what exactly was I supposed to say to a woman that I’ve never even met that according to you hates my guts?,” I asked. “You really need to work on your people skills. That’s just something you’ll have to work out. Dawn is not keeping Ed from talking to you,” she said. “Ok fine. Thanks for telling me. I won’t bother him anymore,” I said.
I never did anything wrong to Ed. I wrote him a long letter trying to get in touch with him, but apparently, he thinks I’m not including his wife or he just doesn’t like me, I don’t know since he won’t tell me, plus now I guess Dawn told him I’m a bitch. Hey whatever. I listened to what Alice had to say and in retrospect I probably shouldn’t have been afraid to try to get Dawn to like me. The ironic thing is that had I been high on speed, I probably could have pulled it off on the phone. Don’t get me wrong, when I was high you couldn’t count on me to interact with normies and show up for events, but as far as talking, I was quite good at that. Plus when I was high, if I wanted to talk to someone, I was never afraid to talk to them, but sober is completely different. I’m not afraid of people per se, but if I know someone hates me to begin with, I avoid them, or if I have to talk to them, I get to the point.
It saddened me that had I known this ahead of time I would not have made that mistake. Too late. I went to the Fri night NA meeting and everyone shared but me. I didn’t share for fear of starting to cry in the middle of it and I HATE that. When I got home from the meeting and I was alone in my room, I cried for 5 minutes and prayed to God. “I wish I would have known what to say,” I communicated with God. A few days later my sponsor and Cheryl from NA told me to call them and that they were really worried about me so I did. I told them the story and Cheryl said well they must be a bunch of unhappy people to continue to hold a grudge against me for something that happened 12 years ago, and now that I think about it, she’s right. Diane, my aunt the one that apparently made it a point to bad mouth me to the whole family and get me banned from my brother’s wedding, was very unhappy and probably still is.
All she did the entire time of my visits was to whine and complain about everyone and everything, but when Alice told me, “This is why Tony wants nothing to do with you.” (Tony is my birth father) I couldn’t help but laugh at that because Tony’s a real fuckin saint haha. My sponsor said that’s too bad for the whole lot because, she said, “They are missing out on a very special person.” So I told my sponsor that every time I try getting in contact with those people, that it causes me nothing but pain. I wrote all my letters of amends to them, sent the one to my brother, but don’t see the point of actually mailing Tony’s, or my sisters since they really want nothing to do with me and frankly I did my best and I don’t want anymore pain. I tried all ready and I’m done. Yes, absolutely, she said. Direct amends are to be made only when it doesn’t cause more harm to others or myself, so I just have to get together with my sponsor and read the letters to her, then I’m done with Step 9. These people are all pissed off at me because I refused to pick up an 18 month old toddler that is my cousin 12 years ago, I tried to apologize, but they didn’t want to hear it.
Mom said it’s best because I really don’t want to have Tony in my life anyway, that he’s nothing but trouble, and she is right. The guy was a rapist and a thief that refused to take responsibility for any of the 4 kids he had by 4 different women. I think it’s funny how he tried to hone in on my famous brother though, who of course won’t have anything to do with him. Anyway, I’m holding no grudges, I’ve officially closed that chapter in my life as far as tying up loose ends.
When I got up today the phone rang and I thought it was the NA people wondering when I was gonna report for phone duty, but it was Erik. Whoa, that was awesome! I always love talking to Kupid. I don’t feel like I’ve been the best influence on him lately, because when I write in my journal, I tell the truth and the truth is that this past 6 months I haven’t been working the best spiritual program because of the fact I got hooked on tramadol. When that happened, that made me open up a jones for drugs in a new and fierce way. They say in NA that addiction is an insidious, cunning disease. It managed to weasel it’s way back in through the tramadol without me even having to pick up any “real” drugs like my beloved meth or painkillers.
I have steered clear of both, except for the fact that I did on 4 different occasions take some Rx dope for my teeth or once, a migraine that lasted for 3 days. After talking to Erik about the ibogaine, I did have an honest conversation with my Mom. I’m hooked on tramadol, I told her, I take 4 pills a day, not for pain, not to get high, but to avoid w/ds. I told her about my research on ibogaine, how it will detox me from tramadol, but that it costs $600. She said she might lend me the $600 for the ibogaine if I go talk to my doctor first. I’m willing to do that, but I know what any doc will most likely say, which will probably be no.
“Why can’t you just ask for an Rx?,” she asked. “It’s illegal in the US, but legal in Canada,” I said. “I have them send it to Erik and he could send it to me.” She was sketchy about that set up, but I said please Mom, I just want to get off this damn drug! I was actually touched because I was honest with her about my dilemma and didn’t want to have to go through another 2-4 months of w/ds if I didn’t have to, but her answer is maybe. I’d have to get Erik to send it to me though, PLEASE, BABY BOY! Mom asked me how I got off dope before and I said, I went to jail, but at least in jail I didn’t have to worry about going to work and feeling like crap. It’s not fair to my patients. “You don’t beat them do you?,” she asked. Laughing, no of course not,” I said. “I’m just dragging, feel no energy, feel like crap, and therefore my patience is thin. I DON’T want that.” “Thank you for being honest with me,” she said. “At least you’re doing something about it. And the past 2 years I’ve seen you actually face problems instead of avoiding them.” That was a real compliment. I’m very grateful for Mom. I just want off tramadol so I can feel normal again, but cold turkey is too much for me. I guess it’s back to tapering ½ pill a month plus taking the Phenocaine supplements again to help with the w/ds.
I never did anything wrong to Ed. I wrote him a long letter trying to get in touch with him, but apparently, he thinks I’m not including his wife or he just doesn’t like me, I don’t know since he won’t tell me, plus now I guess Dawn told him I’m a bitch. Hey whatever. I listened to what Alice had to say and in retrospect I probably shouldn’t have been afraid to try to get Dawn to like me. The ironic thing is that had I been high on speed, I probably could have pulled it off on the phone. Don’t get me wrong, when I was high you couldn’t count on me to interact with normies and show up for events, but as far as talking, I was quite good at that. Plus when I was high, if I wanted to talk to someone, I was never afraid to talk to them, but sober is completely different. I’m not afraid of people per se, but if I know someone hates me to begin with, I avoid them, or if I have to talk to them, I get to the point.
It saddened me that had I known this ahead of time I would not have made that mistake. Too late. I went to the Fri night NA meeting and everyone shared but me. I didn’t share for fear of starting to cry in the middle of it and I HATE that. When I got home from the meeting and I was alone in my room, I cried for 5 minutes and prayed to God. “I wish I would have known what to say,” I communicated with God. A few days later my sponsor and Cheryl from NA told me to call them and that they were really worried about me so I did. I told them the story and Cheryl said well they must be a bunch of unhappy people to continue to hold a grudge against me for something that happened 12 years ago, and now that I think about it, she’s right. Diane, my aunt the one that apparently made it a point to bad mouth me to the whole family and get me banned from my brother’s wedding, was very unhappy and probably still is.
All she did the entire time of my visits was to whine and complain about everyone and everything, but when Alice told me, “This is why Tony wants nothing to do with you.” (Tony is my birth father) I couldn’t help but laugh at that because Tony’s a real fuckin saint haha. My sponsor said that’s too bad for the whole lot because, she said, “They are missing out on a very special person.” So I told my sponsor that every time I try getting in contact with those people, that it causes me nothing but pain. I wrote all my letters of amends to them, sent the one to my brother, but don’t see the point of actually mailing Tony’s, or my sisters since they really want nothing to do with me and frankly I did my best and I don’t want anymore pain. I tried all ready and I’m done. Yes, absolutely, she said. Direct amends are to be made only when it doesn’t cause more harm to others or myself, so I just have to get together with my sponsor and read the letters to her, then I’m done with Step 9. These people are all pissed off at me because I refused to pick up an 18 month old toddler that is my cousin 12 years ago, I tried to apologize, but they didn’t want to hear it.
Mom said it’s best because I really don’t want to have Tony in my life anyway, that he’s nothing but trouble, and she is right. The guy was a rapist and a thief that refused to take responsibility for any of the 4 kids he had by 4 different women. I think it’s funny how he tried to hone in on my famous brother though, who of course won’t have anything to do with him. Anyway, I’m holding no grudges, I’ve officially closed that chapter in my life as far as tying up loose ends.
When I got up today the phone rang and I thought it was the NA people wondering when I was gonna report for phone duty, but it was Erik. Whoa, that was awesome! I always love talking to Kupid. I don’t feel like I’ve been the best influence on him lately, because when I write in my journal, I tell the truth and the truth is that this past 6 months I haven’t been working the best spiritual program because of the fact I got hooked on tramadol. When that happened, that made me open up a jones for drugs in a new and fierce way. They say in NA that addiction is an insidious, cunning disease. It managed to weasel it’s way back in through the tramadol without me even having to pick up any “real” drugs like my beloved meth or painkillers.
I have steered clear of both, except for the fact that I did on 4 different occasions take some Rx dope for my teeth or once, a migraine that lasted for 3 days. After talking to Erik about the ibogaine, I did have an honest conversation with my Mom. I’m hooked on tramadol, I told her, I take 4 pills a day, not for pain, not to get high, but to avoid w/ds. I told her about my research on ibogaine, how it will detox me from tramadol, but that it costs $600. She said she might lend me the $600 for the ibogaine if I go talk to my doctor first. I’m willing to do that, but I know what any doc will most likely say, which will probably be no.
“Why can’t you just ask for an Rx?,” she asked. “It’s illegal in the US, but legal in Canada,” I said. “I have them send it to Erik and he could send it to me.” She was sketchy about that set up, but I said please Mom, I just want to get off this damn drug! I was actually touched because I was honest with her about my dilemma and didn’t want to have to go through another 2-4 months of w/ds if I didn’t have to, but her answer is maybe. I’d have to get Erik to send it to me though, PLEASE, BABY BOY! Mom asked me how I got off dope before and I said, I went to jail, but at least in jail I didn’t have to worry about going to work and feeling like crap. It’s not fair to my patients. “You don’t beat them do you?,” she asked. Laughing, no of course not,” I said. “I’m just dragging, feel no energy, feel like crap, and therefore my patience is thin. I DON’T want that.” “Thank you for being honest with me,” she said. “At least you’re doing something about it. And the past 2 years I’ve seen you actually face problems instead of avoiding them.” That was a real compliment. I’m very grateful for Mom. I just want off tramadol so I can feel normal again, but cold turkey is too much for me. I guess it’s back to tapering ½ pill a month plus taking the Phenocaine supplements again to help with the w/ds.