Family Relationships - Friends.. ect..

[AbsintheKittie]

While not a romantic relationship.. I thought it was best posed here.. as its a personal relationship..

Bit O'background.. I'm 33 Female.. Was mostly raised by my grandmother, while my mother also lived with us. My mother was a party animal all the time.. no father and just fairly abusive "step" mothers over the years in the shape of my mothers girlfriends.. I met my father when I was 23 (ten years ago) and have only seen him twice ....My grandmother passed away about two years ago leaving me quite devastated .. I do not speak to my mother unless forced.. Mostly on behalf of my eldest son. I have three Children and she (and her girl friend of 14 years now) Only pay him attention and never the two younger ones.. this bothers me on quiet a few levels and i have confronted her about it many times.. She has even been banned from my house and blocked on my phone over the years.. While she is no longer physically abusive to me ( since medicated in 1998 ) she is still very verbally abusive to me and poisons my teenager against me.. That has also been quite a fight over the years.. The only other "blood" family I have is a grandfather that I have never really been close too, an aunt and uncle that are more then a bit estranged and their son whom I am currently not speaking to based on his recent interaction with me ( I refuse to allow any of them to treat me badly any more and just stop talking to them)... To top all of this off I had a really bad misscariage a few months back that was not only devastating for losing our baby girl but I too nearly died.. NOT one person came to check on me.. NO family.. NO friends.. No one save for my beloved whom lives with me.. My other half is full estranged from his family ( and seems totally un bothered if not happy about it) due to him being bisexual and divorcing his very abusive wife ( they are pretty stick Lutherans, His father being a paster and all ) .... I also have a few health issues some related to stress, anxiety and this depression that comes on.. Others not related that I am trying to figure out how to deal with such as chronic pain, insomnia, Chronic fatigue ect..

With that said... My question is.. For other people who do not have family for what ever reason.. Do you get massive depressed some times?

I get waves now.. I can be fine for a month, then one week just cant keep it together.. Everything just makes me think how much I wish I had family. Someone to care, count on and have any concern for me.. a Mother to hug, a Father to talk to ect.. I see a TV show and a woman talking to her mother about issues and cry.. I see grandparents holding their greatgrand children and ball.. Not only for missing the only family I feel I ever had, being my grandmother .. as I feel she is the only one who ever cared about me or loved me.. But also for everything I never had and never will have.. I feel a bit of anger at how he just "lets" his blood family go.. It makes me sad that someone who has parents and ones that care, while they are a bit on the bigoted side they have been tring, does not fully embrace that.. that he does not know how luck he was to have someone who cares / ed ...and I think I also hold it a bit against him that he is not trying to patch things up with them as the little voice in the back of my mind hopes that maybe they would treat me as a daughter.. (with recent events I know that will never be true now, but ....) I KNOW that is my issue with the situation and not his and its really not fair for me to impose my feeling in the situation with his family and I do try and keep it in check 99% of the time..

How do you guys deal with this feeling?

It seems that having friends and keeping busy helps a lot and not letting my mind wonder.. BUT while I know WAYYYYYY too many people I no longer have close friends.. While in part due to my actions, my- now - ex husband ran a large chunk of them off or at least backed them off to the point where they are now not more then people I know in passing and might catch up with now and then.. It feels like while I was working out a lot of my issues, dealing my very messed up now ex husband and his son .. that everyone sort of went off and found their clicks and now don't really have time for me.. Other then, like events, parties and such in passing ect.. While I do live in a major metro area (2,800,000 ++ people) I have lived here my whole life and no matter how hard I try, its nearly impossible to find new friends that are not already tied to the existing people that I know.. Everyone jokes about the 3 degrees of separation here ( a play on the movie and thought that everyone in the world is only separated by six people)... I have tried taking up new hobbies, New clubs, New Music scenes, New events ect.. Same results.. In the 3 years that I have been trying to regain my social life I have found one person that did not already know people I know, MOSTLY that is.. and even he.. knows a few in passing and only recently moved down from NJ..

I almost feel like I need to move away some place new and mostly cut ties to this place... But that is very hard to do for many reasons, one of them being financial at this time. While that sounds good.. I also end up feeling like it is just running away and running away never cures anything.. just allows it to remainafest in other ways.. In a new place.. It would be hard to find new friends as they too would already have established friendships and clicks.. BUT it can be easier some times being the "NEW" person it gain access to these "groups"....Its all so convoluted.. Sigh...

I have the "thought" that if I can build a "network" / "family" of close friends that maybe that would help tide a lot of this for me.. I just seem to be at a loss for how to accomplish this. Has anyone else dealt with this issue, in this manor?

I guess I am looking for any feed back you guys have, as I said I have no one close to really talk to about this.. or much anything else for that matter..

 

[Lysis]

Do you mean depressed as in just feeling down sometimes or feeling so depressed you're suicidal? I don't talk to my mother either, but I really don't blame my parents for any of my issues. I'm 37, so I am fully aware of my shortcomings and know I have the power to change them. I actually felt that removing my mother from my life was a positive thing since she is so toxic.

I think if you just feel down (what happens to me when I'm too bored sometimes), it's completely normal. If you're so depressed you're contemplating self-harm, that's a different story and for obvious reasons maybe you should speak to someone.

It sounds to me like you have kids, you're 33, lost some family members and now you're going through that stage where you're getting older and wondering if you're completely content with where you are in life. This happens to a lot of people. You also have to let go with attaching your happiness to someone else. You're allowing your mother and father to control your personal feelings of self-worth, and while it's totally normal to be upset that they were horrible parents, you also have to mentally tell yourself that you're old enough to move on from it and focus on you and your kids.

I've lost a lot of friends too to their own lives, but that doesn't mean they can't see you sometimes. Ask them to lunch or something. I usually start with "hey, D, wanna have drinks next week?" and poof it's a night out if only for a couple of hours.

 

[Pagey]

I agree with all of what Lysis said. Your situation sounds very difficult to deal with OP, and I'm sorry you find yourself in it - but if your family has treated you like that there comes a time when you just have to cut yourself off from them. I feel quite otracized from most of my family but I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful mother and sister so I can't imagine what it must be like for you - however I do think it's entirely possible to build your own family through friends etc. It's true there are moments when it's difficult to stay in touch with people, and I've been having that problem a lot myself recently, but maybe just try to go the extra mile and organize lots of things with them etc to bring yourself closer - and I'm sure you can make these people feel like family in no time

 

[TheLostBoys]

Seems like youve had it rough growing up & even up to date, your family doesnt give you the love you deserve.........only thing I can say is to love your kids the way you want to be loved & dont continue the same pattern with your kids that your parents set. Your 3 kids are your family & if you can get your bf to move somewhere far away, a new start somewhere where no one knows you is the best possible outcome imo.

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

For other people who do not have family for what ever reason.. Do you get massive depressed some times?

No.
There's two types of people that come from no family.
1) The type that wants to have a really, really big family of their own.
2) The type that remains the loner.
I remained more-so the loner.

My s-o comes from a really well rounded family, with deep roots and great family morals. And although it's something I find admirable, it's really hard for me to relate to it sometimes.

Does it get depressing that when shit goes wrong you never have anyone to rely on?
No, not really. It just makes you stronger, allows you to get shit done YOUR way.

As you said about managing your own problems, and then finding that everyone went their own separate ways:
I think it was just the timing of it. Don't think it has anything to do with you. That shit happens all the time in life. I don't think people every mean it to happen, but it does.

I find it, the older I get, the harder it is to meet people that I have similar interests with.
But that being said, I've always been more on the loner-side so it's never bothered me to go to the bar alone- maybe have a bit of conversation- and go home and be happy with that.

My only advice I guess is to just keep being a mom. Find your happiness within the family that you create. Where you get to make the rules. Show interest in what your kids show interest in. And who knows... when you least expect it you'll meet someone that you have something in common with... maybe at a sports meet or other kid-like function...
It's hard to sit down and think about where to go to "meet people".
But just keep in mind that "people" are all around us so striking up a friendly conversation anywhere isn't too far fetched.

 

[badandwicked]

Lysis gives good advice. Don't wallow & linger in the sadness (unless you're clinically depressed). When it hits conciously choose to shift your thought process away to something else, even house work. You have more control over your feelings that you realise. Whats done is done, past is past, theres no refunds in life or money back if you got a bum deal. Focus on the future aka your kids. You have a real and important family and they need you

You also have to let go with attaching your happiness to someone else. You're allowing your mother and father to control your personal feelings of self-worth, and while it's totally normal to be upset that they were horrible parents, you also have to mentally tell yourself that you're old enough to move on from it and focus on you and your kids

 

[Cohesion]

I guess you are feeling disconnected. You want connection but aren't sure where to find it.

I personally don't enjoy having blood family. The less family (or more far away) I have, the better I feel. This is simply because their values are not the same as mine. I find my connection in a yoga & meditation group I have been a part of for 8 years. Every year I travel and attend week-long retreats. Each week we get together for group meditation. Maybe there is something similar you can do for yourself. There are all kinds of "retreats" (women's retreats too) you can attend all over the u.s. and abroad. Join some meetup.com groups. Everyone is looking for connections but we all go home "alone" at the end of the evening.

I like how someone said "But just keep in mind that "people" are all around us so striking up a friendly conversation anywhere isn't too far fetched."

I don't like how someone said "just keep being a mom". I am a mom and I find this advice a little demeaning. There is more to life than having kids. We need social life and nourishment elsewhere in order to bring something substantial (rich, full-feeling) to the family.

You want to build a network. Do it. Commit to a few things in the community. You won't find a great friend right away but you will feel some sense of connection --- if not to others than to Your Self. That can only lead to the next step.

 

[Tude]

I think the biggest issue here is that your mother gives preferential treatment to one of your children. I know you have confronted her about it, but to some extent, you've allowed it. Every time she contacts your children-worships one, belittles the rest-it fucks with them. While one is getting pampered, the rest are wondering why you're allowing it to continue. It's best to cut her off.

As someone without family, I don't get depressed about it. I'm the kind of person who doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks of me, though. I imagine you could train yourself to think the same way. I honestly know that if for some reason my friends all walked away from my life tomorrow, I'd be indifferent. Kudos to you for already starting to cut ties to people who don't contribute positively to your life!

As far as your S.O. not wanting to patch things up with his parents, good for him! If they're bigoted, they'll bring nothing positive to his life. Life's too short to deal with bullshit. You're dealing with your feelings the right way by keeping them in check.

You're right when you say that moving away helps nothing, and that problems will rise back to the surface. Moving would help if you're pursuing an opportunity (job, school, etc.), and would distract you from other people. I guess that's my advice you. Focus your energy on other pursuits, as those will enrich you.

People come and go, but you're in for the long haul with yourself. I'm not saying you're deficient or anything-I don't believe you are-but working on yourself might be something to look into. It's ill-advised to rely on others for happiness, support, etc. I can tell you from my experience, I honestly don't care what others think or if they want to be my friends, but I'm surrounded by them. They know I don't care, but they sense I think I'm the shit, so they like me. This kind of attitude attracts only people who respect you and treat you how you deserve. Please consider it.

Good luck!