Family Relations

[malakaix]

This is a bit of a sad story.. but at the same time very relieving.

I grew up in an emotionally cold environment, my parents loved me.. but it was never expressed on a deeper level, there always felt like there was a separation of emotion, everything was just so formal and direct.

When i visit my family and relatives, as much as i do love them and am supportive of them, i cannot stand been around them for extended periods of time. There simple people, but they argue over petty things and have a completley different worldview to that of my own. We may be related through blood but we have nothing in common.. i often leave feeling drained of all my energy just by been in the presence of them.

I'm an avid supporter of 'letting people be', I've never been one to change someone; 'You do what you want, and ill do what i want'. I'm finding myself drifting further away from them.. but im not necessarily sad, as i know that we're on different paths of life.

I use to feel guilty that i kept so much from them, and avoided them.. the guilt eventually overwhelmed me and i had an emotional breakdown.. confessing everything i had kept as secret in an attempt to create a more openly emotional connection with them. But nothing changed.. they still remained as they had always been.. it was just me who had changed, i love them dearly.. but i have no desire to develop a deeper connection where this is none.

Does anyone else have any similar experiences with family? Out of all my relatives and close family, im only one out of a few that has more or less just disappeared off into the world on their own, and has little contact with family.. due the the immensity of difference in lifestyles..

 

[Jabberwocky]

Welcome to my life, only I wish I did what you did.

My family has come from eastern europe to here in Australia. The whole culture clash thing and these oldies being instilled with values that were based on fear is a big recipe for disaster when someone has learnt the local way of life. Which in my case is what has happened to me as I came here when I was 3. It's interesting though, the oldies see no issue with ignoring the country that you live in and keep to old communist ways. This means socialise less with people who aren't from your country. Ignore that any other customs or culture exists other then your own. It is definitely enough to baffle me, day in, day out. I try my best to ignore it although it is hard from time to time.

As a result of some of my family being the way they are, I have developed depression, although that is probably attributed due to a number of things.

Any how you're not the only one and it's a good thing you got out while you could. I had a few chances and I never had the balls to move out, this I regret now when i'm broke and have developed a stack load of issues from being in my home for too long. Ceterius Paribus.....

 

[badandwicked]

I know people who have felt this way and only felt closer & able to appreciate their family when they were much older. Sometimes when they have kids of their own, or one of the parents died. Then they were able to compare life experiences and are better equipped to understand and relate to choices/attitudes/mistakes their parents made.
At least you were both loved.

On another note, someone who I had a lot of respect for once said to me that the best thing my brother ever did was move 500 miles away from my mother, and that I should have done the same. I love my mother, so at the time I was hurt to hear this but now I'm older I see what he meant. My mothers a strong personality and dominates her childrens lives if allowed.

 

[T. Calderone]

My mother used to beat the shit out of me but not my 2 sisters. I could understand a bit of smacking when I was mouthy but she went overboard. Once she slammed me hard against the edge of the kitchen countertop when I was small and my lip bled non-stop for 2 days. My father was upset and wanted to take me to the hospital for stitches. But they were scared of the authorities getting involved. All through my adolescence, she would belittle me in front of her friends because " I wasn't as developed as I should be" That shit really hurt too. When I got into my drugs and alcohol stage I just didn't give a fuck anymore. If she tried to hit me, I'd hit her right back and then her and my older sister would tag team me.
As I got older and moved out on my own, she would call me and want to talk at work. Soon as I heard her voice, I would say I was busy-call me later at home. Mother, to this day remembers none of it or claims she doesn't. But I found out in my 20's that she was talking a lot of shit about me to our old friends in Michigan. My father defended me, "Hell, Theresa's not doing so bad- she's been in a state job more than 10 years" And I confronted her about this and of course, denied it. Wonder why I was in therapy for so long. My psych doctor figured: I'm the daughter that resembled her closely. So Hate yourself- hate the kid that looks so much like you. That was his theory anyway.
I'm getting to the point now I have my own kid and would not dream of depriving her visits to her grandbaby. We are making some progress and I don't hate her anymore...Sorry if this rant makes no sense

 

[Legerity]

I've had some family difficulties on and off over the years, so I know how it feels. This weekend is the first time I visited my mother in like 2-3 months, but I used to go every week. We had a big fight over something and it took me a long time to forgive and feel comfortable going back. My father I'm not in touch with he has his own set of issues, he went to rehab a couple of times and from what I last heard he's probably all fucked up on drugs now. I've used a lot of drugs with him in the past, as sad as it sounds the one time I smoked crack was with him.

I think blood relations are given more value than is necessary. It's not essential to get along or like our family, we can meet other people that we connect with. But I do think it's good to maintain our family relationships if possible, in my experience it can be very painful to separate from them all.