Family Issues -- I need advice

[meth&taxes]

Hey all, I desperately need some advice. The backstory is a kind of long, but I'm gonna try to make it as quick as possible, and I'm sure this is an issue that more than a few people here have dealt with in some fashion.

I moved out of my parents' house about 7 years ago when I finished school, and my independence and self-sufficience has always been a big part of my self-worth and all that. I always promised myself that no matter what, I would manage to find a way to keep my own place. (No offense meant to anyone living with their parents for any reason; I was just much happier with my own place and was getting on better with my parents.) I've only ever lived in the large, North American city I was born in and in which my whole family lives, but for the most part, I have stayed on the been where I've built my social circles, my job, my activities, pretty much my whole life as an adult.

Until that all came screeching to a halt about a month ago. Due to some roommate issues, which included them finding some needles and my drugs while digging through my room for unknown reasons while I wasn't home, we've decided that it's best for me to move out. (I wasn't friends with my roommates, and didn't really get fucked up at home, so they had no idea about my drug use.) We have a lot of details to work out that that they refuse to cooperate with me on, including paying me back a huge chunk of money they owe me. Then, while I'm cooking dinner 2 days before my move out, my parents show up unannounced at my door, saying that my one roommate who has conveniently gone on a month-long vacation without telling me until he was already gone, called them from Europe to say how concerned he was about the downward spiral i was headed on, told them my drug use, my sex life (I'm a gay man in a major city who uses meth, it's a pretty robust sex life ) Then that evil piece of scum told my parents I'm HIV positive, which I hadn't told them yet.

Consequently, my parents were shocked and all since none of those revelations had ever occurred to them, because I take care of my responsibilities and don't make the hot mess impression Roommate #2 gave them. They told me to pack an over night bag and come with them, that we had some things to work out. Luckily, I managed to convince them to give me a chance while living with them to prove I deserve their trust and can handle my life, but hey've been keeping me on a pretty tight leash. I have an ok job and am financially independent, and I'm in my mid 20s so legally they can't "ground" me, but I know that if I don't spend time at home to work through this with them, our relationship will be probably permanently ruined, and I don't want to lose them. However, after a week of living with them, I'm not as sure it's worth it. I'm utterly miserable. I can't see friends because they all live on the other side of the city and my parents don't want me staying out late. There seem to be no gay guys here and relatively few people my age, period. I have nothing to do except sit around while my mom lectures me about how I ruined my life with my terrible drug addiction, how I should quit the job I love because the pizza place down the block needs a delivery driver and then I wouldn't have to leave the neighborhood, etc, etc. I can't get a word in edgewise. Yesterday afternoon I met up with a friend for a bit (my only social time of the week); while he was driving home afterwards, he got 2 flat tires a couple blocks from my house, and he texted me to ask for help, since I have a AAA membership, etc. Of course my mother is suspicious about the whole thing, and when I tell her I'll drive him home after his car is towed, she tells me that if he really needs to get home tonight, he can take the 2 busses and 3 trains it will take for him to get home (it's really not close). I insist on driving him since it's getting dark and he spent the afternoon helping me with some stuff with setting up my room. While I'm on the way back, I get an emotional call from her about how everything is just so suspicious and she knows she can't trust me anymore and that I shouldn't think she doesn't know what we were really up to with this so-called car problem. I end up having to tell her to wait until I get home to talk about it, because I'm so upset I'm having trouble focusing on driving. Then, when I get home, she acts normal and nice, and won't acknowledge all the accusations and stuff she said to me over the phone.

Really what it all comes down to is that I've making huge sacrifices and making my self miserable in the process, solely because my relationship with my parents is important to me. I'm isolated from my friends and emotional supports, and I feel like I've been getting high and doing stupid time-wasting projects because I'm bored and have nothing to do. I know I could go further with my sacrifices and stop using drugs entirely, but based on the fact that they've only accused me of being high when I'm sober, and don't notice when I am high (they're definitely the kind of people who would confront me right away if they did suspect something), I don't see a reason to stop right now. Plus, my parents have made me give up my social life and my freedom to come and go as I please, and frankly, it's the very act of rebellion of using meth that's giving me my kicks right now, the chemical compound isn't the main draw right now. I'm starting to feel like rather than making any progress gaining my parents' trust or strengthening our relationship, I'm just causing myself grief and throwing away other, friend relationships that I really need some emotional support from now.

So, my question is: would going against my parents and moving out be something I could feel justified in doing, since my parents are essentially holding me prisoner and making my life a living hell, and can't even communicate what they want from me? Should I stick around for a few months because it's just gonna take a bit of time but things will settle down eventually and I'll regret not doing everything I could to work stuff with them out? And, did I just have really shitty roommate luck, or is my meth use actually huge problem to everyone but I'm in denial? I've just been so distraught and caught up in my head about this, I feel like I've lost faith in my own judgement.

Thanks a million for everyone who read through all that, I'd love any advice people are able to give me cause I'm feeling all alone with this right now and don't have anyone to talk to.

 

[pasha]

homeless -> the dark side

 

[herbavore]

... but I know that if I don't spend time at home to work through this with them, our relationship will be probably permanently ruined, and I don't want to lose them.

I think it is great that you have the clarity that the relationship with them is important and that you were willing to work through this with them. Stay the course while being assertive about your feelings and knowledge, humble in accepting and hearing their fears and open to creating a good adult relationship with them. you will all benefit.

I'm utterly miserable. I can't see friends because they all live on the other side of the city and my parents don't want me staying out late. There seem to be no gay guys here and relatively few people my age, period. I have nothing to do except sit around while my mom lectures me about how I ruined my life with my terrible drug addiction, how I should quit the job I love because the pizza place down the block needs a delivery driver and then I wouldn't have to leave the neighborhood, etc, etc. I can't get a word in edgewise. Yesterday afternoon I met up with a friend for a bit (my only social time of the week); while he was driving home afterwards, he got 2 flat tires a couple blocks from my house, and he texted me to ask for help, since I have a AAA membership, etc. Of course my mother is suspicious about the whole thing, and when I tell her I'll drive him home after his car is towed, she tells me that if he really needs to get home tonight, he can take the 2 busses and 3 trains it will take for him to get home (it's really not close). I insist on driving him since it's getting dark and he spent the afternoon helping me with some stuff with setting up my room. While I'm on the way back, I get an emotional call from her about how everything is just so suspicious and she knows she can't trust me anymore and that I shouldn't think she doesn't know what we were really up to with this so-called car problem. I end up having to tell her to wait until I get home to talk about it, because I'm so upset I'm having trouble focusing on driving. Then, when I get home, she acts normal and nice, and won't acknowledge all the accusations and stuff she said to me over the phone.

This is so completely unhealthy that it could undermine your entire attempt to heal the relationship. Have your parents considered going to al-anon? It can be very good education and support. One of the things it gives them is insight into the issue of control. Most of us parents are hard wired to think we can control every aspect of our kids world and if we don't it is a failure. This was true when you were an infant but it hasn't been true since then. Coming to terms with that can be very difficult.

I would consider saying something along these lines: "You and dad are so important to me. I love both of you and want to have a healthy, honest relationship. I have admitted that I have a problem but now it is more important than ever that we develop trust in each other. I will not lie to you but you need to deal with your side of it. You are not helping me by worrying, by being suspicious or by assuming. If you have a fear, tell me. I will answer honestly".

Really what it all comes down to is that I've making huge sacrifices and making my self miserable in the process, solely because my relationship with my parents is important to me. I'm isolated from my friends and emotional supports, and I feel like I've been getting high and doing stupid time-wasting projects because I'm bored and have nothing to do. I know I could go further with my sacrifices and stop using drugs entirely, but based on the fact that they've only accused me of being high when I'm sober, and don't notice when I am high (they're definitely the kind of people who would confront me right away if they did suspect something), I don't see a reason to stop right now. Plus, my parents have made me give up my social life and my freedom to come and go as I please, and frankly, it's the very act of rebellion of using meth that's giving me my kicks right now, the chemical compound isn't the main draw right now. I'm starting to feel like rather than making any progress gaining my parents' trust or strengthening our relationship, I'm just causing myself grief and throwing away other, friend relationships that I really need some emotional support from now.

Are your friends really giving you emotional support? If they are then you should find a way to see them and maintain contact.
Your parents no doubt feel that they are also making a huge sacrifice. And they are terrified for what they think may kill you--injecting drugs and having HIV and not taking the best care of your body that you can.

It sounds like you thought you could go home, hide things from them (the way it has always been) and then, when things are not improving, you wonder why?

So, my question is: would going against my parents and moving out be something I could feel justified in doing, since my parents are essentially holding me prisoner and making my life a living hell, and can't even communicate what they want from me? Should I stick around for a few months because it's just gonna take a bit of time but things will settle down eventually and I'll regret not doing everything I could to work stuff with them out? And, did I just have really shitty roommate luck, or is my meth use actually huge problem to everyone but I'm in denial? I've just been so distraught and caught up in my head about this, I feel like I've lost faith in my own judgement.

The only one that can answer about your meth use is you but I would imagine that anyone that is HIV positive should be trying to stay as healthy as possible. Being diagnosed HIV positive at a young age is a horrendous thing to deal with emotionally. You need to look at your life--what do you want from it? Love? Intimacy? Meaning? Is the way you are living (relationships, habits, activities) contributing positively to the life you imagine? That's my criteria for making my own decisions and it works out usually. There are all sorts of things that I want, even things I convince myself I need, that do not contribute to the life I want for myself ultimately and those are the things I try to change.

You feel miserable right now because you are bored and isolated from friends. What kind of timetable did you imagine for living with them? You did this so that you could repair your relationship with your family and I think you need to give it your all--otherwise you are just wasting your time and will end up having a worse relationship than before. You all have a very good opportunity to make real change but it can't happen without honesty. Have you or they considered family counseling?

 

[meth&taxes]

You feel miserable right now because you are bored and isolated from friends. What kind of timetable did you imagine for living with them? You did this so that you could repair your relationship with your family and I think you need to give it your all--otherwise you are just wasting your time and will end up having a worse relationship than before. You all have a very good opportunity to make real change but it can't happen without honesty. Have you or they considered family counseling?

Thanks, I think that was, so to speak, the smack in the face I needed right then to bring me back to reality there. I don't agree 100% with everything you write, but a lot of it is what I think I needed someone to tell me because i wasn't getting there myself. Like your question of what timeframe I had imagined for living with them, which proabably should have been an easy answer but actually served to remind me things take time and to be patient, as well as to make me realize that I need to look at a wider, more complete picture here than just "I will be good and my parents will see I mean well and we'll live happily ever after," and actually strategize about what I want to accomplish specifically with this and how long I am willing to work for it.

Thanks for looking at the situation with fresh eyes and giving me a well thought out analysis

 

[herbavore]

I really do wish you the best. I am a mom that lost her youngest son to a drug overdose. In hindsight I know that I made lots of ignorant mistakes due to my own lack of understanding about everything from abuse and addiction to what was underlying the drug use. The one thing I know is that families suffer when there are secrets. Everybody (your parents too)has to be willing to be exposed, be wrong, be vulnerable and humble as well as feeling safe to express themselves during conflict. If you set your compass for those things, the issue will probably not be solely on drugs and that is a good thing.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

You're mid twenties and financially stable, you do what the fuck you like man.

As long as you are caring and considerate towards your family's needs within reason (and that doesn't extend to living under their roof unless you want to) then you're doing nothing wrong.

That and whether you want to stop using drugs are two entirely seperate issues, IV meth use usually doesn't lead anywhere good though.