Familiar story... Friend in danger.. Feeling guilt

[JackiePeyton]

So I got fired from my job over an ethical issue with their policies. That's not what this post is about ( I got another position and I think it's going to be great). I was a supervisor in a long-term care / rehab facility. We had such a good team. Maybe it's not the way it always should be but I was more of a mentor and friend to a lot of these nurse aides. I feel like I should have thought about my decision that got me fired (I knew that was going to be the result) because basically I got on my high horse and didn't think about the repercussions for the staff I left behind. One of the people I worked with is now having an addiction issue which I knew she had a history of in the past. We all went out for drinks the other night and as soon as I saw her she told me she had taken 10? 1 mg Xanax but she just needed something there was so much going on her life and she could handle her Xanax she said. By the end of the night she was a complete mess. She is on Suboxone, has two kids, just left her husband. She's living with a friend. And now apparently her babysitter is quitting on her who's into meth anyway. I'm simply worried sick about her and don't know what to do. I'm not naive I've lost friends to drugs and I know that you can't make anyone do anything. I talked to our friends and I said maybe the best things we can do are support her with her issues that seem to be bringing her into the downward spiral. I even messaged her and told her my husband was willing to babysit for her until she found someone full time. She hasn't messaged me back and I know that she left work early yesterday and said that she was sick. I know that she was not she was out Friday night. I know that the staff are getting upset with her because they really need everyone they have and she's been having mood swings. Some of them have even been messaging me about her. Apparently she's doing a lot of Coke,? and was asking her babysitter to make some meth for her. She was hitting me up for Adderall just saying she needed something for now but that she limits herself. I did not give her any I take it as prescribed and keep it at home. I just feel so much guilt because if I was still working there as the supervisor I could refer her to the EAP, I could check her insurance, get her FMLA and into rehab. The other supervisors I am not sure if they would take the time to even do this. Possibly one because she lost her son to an overdose last year, but I'm really not sure - she's pretty much a bitch. My really good friend is an LPN there and she lost her son to an overdose also. I can ask her to talk to her but as an LPN she really doesn't have the power to make those referrals without telling someone and I'd like to keep her confidentiality as much as I can. She worked really hard to get her certification and I'm afraid she's going to lose everything. I contacted a friend of mine with 7 years clean time and he said that we need to talk to her and try to get her into rehab. I talked to another friend and he said to stop thinking that I am responsible for everyone because I am not. I just needed to vent here cuz I know everyone's been through this and I am just so worried sick and guilty feeling. thank you for listening

 

[Larimar]

Yeah confront her and do a intervention type thing because its dangerous for her personally and as a nurse the people she is taking care of are at risk as well, her messing up meds or stealing their meds . Get her help before someone gets hurt ! Get her to can straighten up before she loses everything , her job, kids .. She should not be working in healthcare while high .

 

[Chronicpain54]

I really agree with that. While I was in the hospital for several months and almost died one of my night nurses was stealing some of my IV pain medicine.

Because I was so sick I didn't realize what was happening but obviously someone higher up did when I was complaining of pain an hour after my shot. They stopped the nurse in my room right after she gave me my shot and asked for the trash and syringe. I never saw her again.

It would be a terrible thing if your ex-coworker lost her job and ability to work in that field again because she was stealing medicine from patients. That's a lot of schooling down the drain if someone doesn't step in NOW.

 

[herbavore]

Damn, Jackie, I know how helpless you must feel. It may be a familiar story but it never loses the tragedy of all the lives being impacted--not the least of which are her children.

I guess because there are children involved I would try some sort of intervention with only her good friends and people from work that could be trusted. It's a terrible situation and a risk but something has to be done. Sounds like she is really hurting and just cannot stand to be sober rather than any particular addiction, right? This really goes beyond drugs and becomes more about her ability to face herself emotionally. To me that is the biggest factor in raising kids. If you model emotional resilience your kids will absorb it. If you model that life and feelings and stress are insurmountable without masking, numbing or partying them away, your kids will absorb that message. I hope she can see her way to healing herself. Its a tough road but I've found that seeing it as a challenge rather than a burden goes a long way. Carrying a challenge inspires you to keep going, keep trying new strategies even when you fail; whereas carrying a burden just cements the fact that you are a powerless victim in your head.

 

[JackiePeyton]

Thanks guys. She's a nurses aide so no access to drugs. We talked to her and she's already in the suboxone program... She agreed to get some extra counseling but that's as far as we could get. Better than nothing.

 

[Mafioso]

I think the first thing to remember is that worry has never solved anything. It is okay to be concerned, but allowing yourself to be riddled with guilt about things that are out of your control is really counterproductive.

It may not seem like it to you, but this is not your fault. There is nothing you did to directly cause it and nothing you could have done to directly prevented it, like you mentioned. It sounds like this has been a long time coming and she has let things get out of hand for quite some time. There are so many warning signs that you mention, she was basically a ticking time bomb to put it bluntly. In treatment of substance use disorder and other mental health disorders, relapse is considered to occur in the individuals behavior before the physical relapse occurs. Things like having a meth addict watch your child is so crazy to begin with, it is probably not a bad thing that she has to find a new babysitter.

Sometimes consequence is the only thing that drives us to change. Often behavior isn't really considered bad unless it is directly linked with negative consequences. Nothing wrong with having a drink on the weekends, but if you are getting into trouble because of it then there is a problem. I didn't get off pills until I got arrested. I definitely don't believe in criminalization of drug use, but regardless of my personal ideals, I am unsure if I would have made the change if I had not felt the full weight of my decisions. It was my choices that ultimately led to what had happened. Even if things seemed unfair and people who could have helped didn't, it was no one's fault but my own.

Honestly, something I think that should be considered is how you are putting a person, who you haven't described in a very good light, and their needs before your own. I don't mean to sound cold, but the reality is that even if keeping a job you had ethical issues would have prevented this relapse it would have led to bigger problems for both of you latter on. Sounds like you would have been pretty unhappy and compromising your own beliefs in attempts to help someone. There is nothing wrong with helping people- the world needs more caring people like you, but again, the reality is that you probably would have just been enabling your co-worker at the sacrifice of yourself. So by doing what felt right but seemed wrong(keeping the job) wouldn't have really made much of a positive difference for either of you. I think you did the right thing even if it was a hard choice to make and stand behind.

Getting her into rehab and coordinating that with work would probably have helped her, and the fact that you already have a plan about what you could have done to help her says a lot about your character and who you are. Not everyone would go out of their way to help, some won't even help someone along the way. But again, something needs to be considered about sacrificing your own happiness for another- it doesn't really work unless you are both actively doing it in a healthy manner. What if you would have kept the job to help her, got her into rehab, and then she relapsed just as hard? How would you feel then? So many what ifs, and so little more that you could have done.

Sounds like you are trying to do everything that you can. Support is really all that you can give someone, but even that needs to have boundaries and limits.

Beyond calling CPS and hoping that a;; those channels function as should, I'm not sure what more can be done. I really am concerned about the kid, I know a lot of professions are duty-bound to report issues like this. If she has functional family members who could help the kid it might be necessary to let the family know. At this point it is about harm reduction rather than prevention. She is not going to be happy no matter how the situation plays out- at least not until she stops abusing drugs and gets her stuff together. The withdrawals alone are hell and accepting mistakes you have been in denial about makes it seem unbearable. I guess staging an intervention and working with SUD counselors could have a lot of positive impacts, but if you go that route be careful because a lot of harm can be done as well. There are people who are qualified and working as professionals in this field if that is your choice.


To sum things up- Just like what they tell lifeguards- you have to save yourself first, you can't help anyone if you are drowning yourself. There is nothing wrong with wanting to help but just be sure that you are really helping. Enabling her behavior will not help her and ultimately lead to your own frustrations. This situation is a little tricky because of the child, but you can't hold yourself responsible for things out of your control. I would think do what you can to help the child first. It would be in the best interest of both the mother and child by looking after the child's needs first. Ultimately it would be best for both mother and child if the mother were to get the help she needs and make the needed changes. As crazy as it may sound, even if the mother were to end up in jail she may thank you later on if it leads to the well-being of her kid. jail is bad, but there are regrets that would be worse to live with.