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Falling for my friend of 6 years - advice needed

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ricardo08

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
1,204
I'm going to start off by explaining that in the last 7 years, 2 girlfriends and 15 odd sexual partners I have never really had to do much work. By this I mean I haven't had to chase a girl or put much effort in at all when forming a relationship with one. I'm not not ugly, but I am modest. I'm a nice person and I seem to get a fair bit of attention from the opposite sex. This might seem like a blessing, and I do appreciate it, but it does have it's downsides. The main one being that I have grown older and I don't have much experience being the one to make the first move with a girl. I have only become aware of this in the last few months and I've found myself in a situation where I could really use the skills right about now. Let me explain...

I met her when I was 15 and I'm 21 now. We've been really good friends since we met, like we have pretty much grown up together and I count her as one of, if not my most valued friend, one I hope I never lose. We've both had 2 relationships during this time and I although I've always recognised her attractiveness (both in personality and physical appearance) I have never thought about dating her. Recently though she broke up with her ex and I've started to get these crazy feelings towards her, like whenever I think of her I get that butterfly feeling in my stomach. I never had this with my ex's, it's new to me and honestly it's amazing. But yeah, I've come to the conclusion that I have developed feelings for her, for real. Thing is, I suspect she feels the same. Or at least feels something even if it's not quite the same as what I am. A few of my guy friends have told me they think she's into me too, judging by the way we act together which is, admittedly, kind of flirty.

My dilemma is deciding whether or not to come clean to her about the way I'm feeling or not. It's been doing my head in for a while now and I'm definitely ready to tell her, I'm just not sure if it's the right thing to do. My worry is that it will change things between us, make things awkward or something. Like if it was anyone else I wouldn't worry about it so much, it's just cuz we've been such good friends for so long. I'm also trying not to be naive and look past the fact that she has been single for about 4 months now and she hasn't had any action (I know! 8(), so she is probably thinking with her vagina a fair bit atm and could just be looking for sex - I forgot to mention we have had sex before, a few years ago when we were like 18/19.

So anyway, has anyone been in a situation similar to this before? Could use some advice on how I should play this.
 
Just adjust your behavior toward her and steadily increase the level of flirtation. It'll get to a point where you'll either know she's interested or not simply by whether she reciprocates or not.
 
I think it's got to that level already. She gives it as much as I do but she's hard to read. I can't tell if she's being like that in a friendly way or if she's actually interested the way I am.
 
I dunno, that could make things worse. I'd rather just tell her and deal with her not being on the same level as me than go in for the kiss and her run the other way lol.
 
GenericMind said:
Just adjust your behavior toward her and steadily increase the level of flirtation. It'll get to a point where you'll either know she's interested or not simply by whether she reciprocates or not.
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Yes...don't even THINK (it could get awkward otherwise coz you'll want to so much - creating a weird tension) about telling her til you see some cues for you to make a move... maybe not even tell her, she might've felt the same about you...

Saying that - she probably did, earlier than you (women are MUCH better than this usually, FME), but because you didn't do anything more than fuck once, she gave up on you.

However, play your cards right, coz chances are she NEVER GAVE UP... if you're that close, take it to the next level - you will stay together for a good amount of time, I reckon.

OP in your last post you're setting yourself up for failure - maybe you're not ready, so only tell her if things get awkward...THAT, that's in your control though...telling her before you get any cue to be romantic would be a mistake, imo, I would try and kiss her when you spot the right moment...and they stick out like a masai walking through beijing.
 
Thanks for the replies people, definitely helping me get my head round this.

I'm sure there have been these cues you speak of RoughJack, but i'm not sure. I'll wait it out a bit longer and keep an eye out for more so I can be certain. I'm pretty good at picking these things up normally but she makes it particularly hard to tell whether they're serious or not. You're right about her feeling the same earlier than me, I know she did. I just never really noticed it (even though looking back it was blatantly obvious - probably all that weed I used to smoke..). It really annoys me knowing that I might have missed my chance. I do think there's still a chance though.

I'll keep all your advice in mind. Thanks again.
 
ricardo08 said:
I forgot to mention we have had sex before, a few years ago when we were like 18/19
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Uh, this is a bigger deal than the casual mention warrants. Unless she has a habit of sleeping around, its obvious there's some attraction there, enough for her to let you inside the holiest of holies. Just go out on a 'date' as friends and at one point during the night, be honest and upfront about your feelings and ask her what her opinion is. It's only awkward if you make it awkward and it's one of those situations were if you don't go for it you might regret it once she meets some dude that she eventually marries and you're stuck outside in the cold with your nose pressed up against the window looking in.
 
^ Pretty much sums up what I was originally thinking. Don't wanna miss the chance.

I have tried to get her out before but she's kind of shy. And I know I said we're good friends, and we are, but honestly we don't spent that much time just the two of us. But that's down to her, cuz I have tried to get her out a few times in the last couple of months. It's like, being together just the two of you is quite different to spending time together just the two of you but out with several other people. I think she lacks the confidence tbh. Not sure what I can do about that.

Maybe by suggesting to her the way I feel it will encourage her to be more outgoing towards me? I dunno, could go the other way I guess..

Thinking about it, I don't really see what I have to lose (other than her obviously). But like, if I don't just bite the bullet now it might be too late, forever. I'm not even that worried about dealing with rejection, it's more just not knowing that's annoying me.
 
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You need to get your confidence up and just ask her out man. If it's to the point you say it is, just tell her, "we should go out to dinner" or something. You need to convince her to go out somewhere with you. That's the confidence issue on her part, and unfortunately as a guy, it's your job to take care of that as well.

You need to get her to go on an actual date with you, and you need to figure out how to do it.
 
So, sorry if I have not read all posts, but what does her body language say? You've had sex, but how did that end up? Did you guys date already and then broke up and were friends? Her body language should tell you something. I went back to an ex-BF but it was too soon after a recent breakup, so it didn't work out. Funny thing is now I wish we could do it again. I'm over him, but alas it was my fault in the end. Is she really devastated over it? It might be too soon if she's depressed.

The problem with letting her know how you feel is that it can make things awkward, so if you drop it on her, have a plan to make an effort NOT to make it weird.
 
Nah we've never dated. The sex was just a spontaneous thing, kind of happened randomly after a night out. Her body language tells me she's into it, but then I can't be entirely sure cuz I know what she's like and she can be flirty with people without actually wanting anything serious to come of it.

I think I'm gonna leave it for a bit, see how things are the next few times I see her and when I feel the time is right I'll tell her.

Thank you all for the advice! Really helped a lot :)
 
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