Hi there. First post to bluelight, I wanted to share my last experience with MDMA, which was extremely disappointing and has me worrying I may have "lost the magic" and hope you good people might advise or relate similar experiences to me.
As a bit of background, I'm a 76kg, 5'10" early 20s male, and I had taken real MDMA crystals 16 times previously, over the time period of 2 1/2 years. I've taken the stuff sober, or near enough sober, after a couple of drinks, and flat-out drunk, and although alcohol blurs some of the finer qualities of the high, it's still been effective. On the couple of occasions when I have mixed it with coke or speed, they seem to have killed most of the sensations of the roll, although the gurning, talkativeness, and empathy were still there. Once, I have failed to come up, after the initial stimulation that precedes the high, probably because of small dosage and not enough time between uses. Otherwise, I generally leave a decent amount of time between them, at least a month. A couple of experiences with what I'm now certain were shitty RCs had me worried that I'd lost the magic, but then along came occasion no. 16 which was an absolute blast and restored my confidence.
Most recently, however, was a huge disappointment. I failed to properly take off. I must admit I wasn't as excited about the event as I ought to have been, and also had the prospect of getting up early to catch a train to another city the next day hanging over me. I should also mention that I suffer depression; this is unrelated to drugs, and I don't take any medication to treat it. I've always had it since I was a child - if the theories, which I don't like to buy into, about depressive people with naturally low serotonin levels are true, then I suppose I'm the archetype. This has been compounded by growing social anxiety and BDD which I picked up in my teens, and going to clubs can sometimes be a somewhat wearying and sexually frustrating experience for me. None of this, however, has before stopped me from being absolutely floored by MDMA. Additionally, though, I was in a bit of a disappointed mood - I was meant to meet a person I'm crushing on whilst I was in the city, although the plans keep falling through and I'm resigning myself to the notion that she's no longer interested and is just trying to let me down covertly. I wasn't miserable, but I wasn't full of anticipation and optimism.
Back to the story at hand, I dosed around 250-280mg, a fairly hefty dose for me, split between two bombs in a 2:1 ratio. I drop the first, larger one as soon as I'm in the club, then find out my other 3 friends dosing that night have decided to wait a little longer. I'm a little annoyed because I don't want to come up, and then come down, before everyone else - it was going to be a long night, after all. Within 25 minutes I'm starting to come up, and they all drop as well. Over the next half hour, I experience mild visual weirdness, legs turn to jelly, and I'm certain it's going to be a big one, I drop the second bomb. At this point I feel I can talk to anyone, I can't keep a smile off my face, but something still feels slightly missing. Perhaps ten minutes later, I start to dip in and out of the roll, feeling sober, then a few minutes later getting another wave. Pretty normal for me on the comeup, and I tell myself that when it's fully kicked in I'll be rolling face, although I start to worry a little, because the last time I was in this club was one of the times I'd used bunk mdma, and it was an absolute drag. I've worried about whether I'll come up a couple of times before, and I know it's futile, but it'd never before stopped me from eventually coming up. Then, probably an hour and twenty, maybe thirty, minutes after I first dropped, I'm suddenly sober. I try to chase the high through forcing a smile, dancing, drinking water, later even alcohol and a nos balloon, but they're doing nothing for me. Now I'm starting to slightly worse than I would if I was completely sober - probably from the disappointment. I'm still gurning and I don't feel bothered by social boundaries and could talk to anyone, but without a hint of the usual empathy or interest; I kiss a pretty girl that I got talking to on my come up, but I don't feel any pride or arousal. Eventually, I give up, and stick out the rest of the night, forcing a smile so I don't kill the mood for my mates. Although the stuff wasn't tested, my three of them who dropped all raved to me about the quality of the stuff, and I am very confident in the source.
So, why didn't I roll? I had an unsteady peak of half an hour at most, and a very quick comedown, when this dose should have lasted me at least 3 hours from onset. Was it the three cans of beer I had beforehand? Having eaten 2 1/2 hours beforehand? An acidic stomach? Smoking a few cigarettes (which I only occasionally smoke) on the come up (doubt it)? It'd been 2 1/2 months since I last used MDMA, or any drug other than weed, booze and etizolam (on occasion, not a habit), and by all rights I should have rolled face. Or perhaps it was my mindset going into the experience. My experience lurking on this forum suggests that many here consider MDMA something of an effortless high, and that setting and mindset are far less important to the experience than with psychedelics, but that seems the only plausible explanation for my disappointing experience, although as I said earlier, it wasn't as though I was in an abjectly terrible mood beforehand.
I'm sorry for the long post, but I'd really appreciate you bluelighters' opinions and similar experiences. It doesn't seem right, that I could have lost the magic so soon, without having used or abused MDMA to anywhere near the extent that many of my peers have. I'd be upset to lose the ability to enjoy MDMA, as I otherwise have a real affinity for the drug. Thanks for reading, and for your responses.
TL;DR Dosed large, confident it was genuine, waited 2 1/2 months since last roll, failed to properly come up. Can't think of any decent explanation except set and setting. How important do bluelighters consider set and setting with regard to MDMA?
As a bit of background, I'm a 76kg, 5'10" early 20s male, and I had taken real MDMA crystals 16 times previously, over the time period of 2 1/2 years. I've taken the stuff sober, or near enough sober, after a couple of drinks, and flat-out drunk, and although alcohol blurs some of the finer qualities of the high, it's still been effective. On the couple of occasions when I have mixed it with coke or speed, they seem to have killed most of the sensations of the roll, although the gurning, talkativeness, and empathy were still there. Once, I have failed to come up, after the initial stimulation that precedes the high, probably because of small dosage and not enough time between uses. Otherwise, I generally leave a decent amount of time between them, at least a month. A couple of experiences with what I'm now certain were shitty RCs had me worried that I'd lost the magic, but then along came occasion no. 16 which was an absolute blast and restored my confidence.
Most recently, however, was a huge disappointment. I failed to properly take off. I must admit I wasn't as excited about the event as I ought to have been, and also had the prospect of getting up early to catch a train to another city the next day hanging over me. I should also mention that I suffer depression; this is unrelated to drugs, and I don't take any medication to treat it. I've always had it since I was a child - if the theories, which I don't like to buy into, about depressive people with naturally low serotonin levels are true, then I suppose I'm the archetype. This has been compounded by growing social anxiety and BDD which I picked up in my teens, and going to clubs can sometimes be a somewhat wearying and sexually frustrating experience for me. None of this, however, has before stopped me from being absolutely floored by MDMA. Additionally, though, I was in a bit of a disappointed mood - I was meant to meet a person I'm crushing on whilst I was in the city, although the plans keep falling through and I'm resigning myself to the notion that she's no longer interested and is just trying to let me down covertly. I wasn't miserable, but I wasn't full of anticipation and optimism.
Back to the story at hand, I dosed around 250-280mg, a fairly hefty dose for me, split between two bombs in a 2:1 ratio. I drop the first, larger one as soon as I'm in the club, then find out my other 3 friends dosing that night have decided to wait a little longer. I'm a little annoyed because I don't want to come up, and then come down, before everyone else - it was going to be a long night, after all. Within 25 minutes I'm starting to come up, and they all drop as well. Over the next half hour, I experience mild visual weirdness, legs turn to jelly, and I'm certain it's going to be a big one, I drop the second bomb. At this point I feel I can talk to anyone, I can't keep a smile off my face, but something still feels slightly missing. Perhaps ten minutes later, I start to dip in and out of the roll, feeling sober, then a few minutes later getting another wave. Pretty normal for me on the comeup, and I tell myself that when it's fully kicked in I'll be rolling face, although I start to worry a little, because the last time I was in this club was one of the times I'd used bunk mdma, and it was an absolute drag. I've worried about whether I'll come up a couple of times before, and I know it's futile, but it'd never before stopped me from eventually coming up. Then, probably an hour and twenty, maybe thirty, minutes after I first dropped, I'm suddenly sober. I try to chase the high through forcing a smile, dancing, drinking water, later even alcohol and a nos balloon, but they're doing nothing for me. Now I'm starting to slightly worse than I would if I was completely sober - probably from the disappointment. I'm still gurning and I don't feel bothered by social boundaries and could talk to anyone, but without a hint of the usual empathy or interest; I kiss a pretty girl that I got talking to on my come up, but I don't feel any pride or arousal. Eventually, I give up, and stick out the rest of the night, forcing a smile so I don't kill the mood for my mates. Although the stuff wasn't tested, my three of them who dropped all raved to me about the quality of the stuff, and I am very confident in the source.
So, why didn't I roll? I had an unsteady peak of half an hour at most, and a very quick comedown, when this dose should have lasted me at least 3 hours from onset. Was it the three cans of beer I had beforehand? Having eaten 2 1/2 hours beforehand? An acidic stomach? Smoking a few cigarettes (which I only occasionally smoke) on the come up (doubt it)? It'd been 2 1/2 months since I last used MDMA, or any drug other than weed, booze and etizolam (on occasion, not a habit), and by all rights I should have rolled face. Or perhaps it was my mindset going into the experience. My experience lurking on this forum suggests that many here consider MDMA something of an effortless high, and that setting and mindset are far less important to the experience than with psychedelics, but that seems the only plausible explanation for my disappointing experience, although as I said earlier, it wasn't as though I was in an abjectly terrible mood beforehand.
I'm sorry for the long post, but I'd really appreciate you bluelighters' opinions and similar experiences. It doesn't seem right, that I could have lost the magic so soon, without having used or abused MDMA to anywhere near the extent that many of my peers have. I'd be upset to lose the ability to enjoy MDMA, as I otherwise have a real affinity for the drug. Thanks for reading, and for your responses.
TL;DR Dosed large, confident it was genuine, waited 2 1/2 months since last roll, failed to properly come up. Can't think of any decent explanation except set and setting. How important do bluelighters consider set and setting with regard to MDMA?
Last edited:
