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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Failed suicide, now I'm actually dying for real

I reckon it's a good idea, the rehab thing. If you're ready to get help and do this properly, it is definitely something you should look in to. Sure, it is a very daunting concept but once you're on the way to getting it all organised with the help of your doctor, and it's really happening, you'll be so glad you're doing it.

Keep us updated hun <3
 
@maver3ck "I'm still using, yep. But I went half Sunday, Monday and Tuesday with nothing! Fuck it was hard"


You have to start somewhere, everyone who eventually stops for good has a first day. Ive found personally every time i fail at staying clean it takes away a bit of hope for next time. Thats why i think people should only try when their really up for it. anyway good to here your safe and well
 
Hey, I was just trying to help....
[take your horrible comments elsewhere - n3o]
 
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hi mav

it seems there's something about you knowing yourself and also being brave enough to let those you love know what's happening so they can give you the help you really desperately need - it sounds to me like you do, at this point now. & recognising that and not just keeping on is really important.

hopefully they love you enough to accept you for who you really are, and will help you. tho it will, i imagine be hard to say to them. if you didn't tell them and you did get worse, or beyond their help how would they feel? we have to think about that too. i took an overdose once and called my mum and dad to tell them once i had things going the way i wanted them to - just coz i thought about their pain. i wudn't have wanted them to find out from anyone else.
your kidneys - that sounds serious. doctor and professional help like rehab sound really good if you can face it. i'm sure the right people will be there when you make the right move to do what you need to do. i pray so.
i hope you can come through x Star
 
Going to rehab/finding the right counsellor will help you big time. In the mean time though, keep thinking positive and though it may be hard, keep trying not to use. Like people have said, it's great that you were clean for 3 days, and for a couple half days. Just stay strong, and continue to try and seek help, as you've gone through a lot of shit, which isn't easy for any one person to deal with.
 
Hey all..

First up, thanks N3ophy7e for editing the thread to eliminate the moronic and very unhelpful posts by the one who shall remain nameless, hahaha..

Thanks Star & K-Dazed for your posts and awesome well-wishes, I really appreciate it!

Aww, Draigan I keep missing you! Things have been pretty hectic the past week and are calming down now, so I'll definitely be online a lot more, hope to catch you real soon!

Just a little progress report for those who are interested..

I had my DC (drug counsellor) meeting this afternoon and I told her that I wanted to see someone who was more specialised in drug counselling, she took it pretty well but there was still a weird tension I could sense. I'm glad I actually ended the sessions with her, it's a feeling of relief to be honest.. DC did have one lovely parting phrase for me, she said that she was glad I'd come to this decision because she felt within the first/second session, that the level of support that she could give wasn't near enough of what I need/needed and because I refused to deal with 'feelings' in the sessions, she found it hard to help me.. I'm still thinking about the meeting so I haven't come to any conclusions but I am a little frustrated and angered towards her, if she knew early on that her level of support wouldn't suffice, why did she continue to see me and then waited til I decided to cancel the sessions to inform me of this revelation? Hmm, something for me to think about I guess..

I did refuse to deal with feelings, because I kind of knew that if I was to explore them, with that DC, in that setting, I probably would have lost the plot even more. I always felt apprehensive about discussing certain elements of my drug lifestyle with her, so I didn’t. I do think I need to be in some kind of structured place to think that ok, it’s cool to let these deep, dark thoughts and such out, somewhere that I know is safe and yeah, hard to explain so I hope the concept has been grasped or I’ll sound like a fruitcake, haha..

So, this little Maverick is now on the hunt for a new counsellor! Fingers crossed it doesn’t take too long, otherwise my head may just explode!

I guess I’m still struggling, no one ever said this would be an easy task right? I've been on a run, coming up to four days now. This is usually the point in which I start to really lose it and the craziness comes out to play. I have to be quite social this weekend as well, birthdays and events to attend, I can sense this four day run extending past a week. I hate having to use to be social or to have the motivation to work, or even get out of bed and not sleep for thirty hours straight..

Any time off drugs is better than no time off drugs; I have to change my thinking towards that. At the moment I see getting clean in a negative light, perhaps that’s due to how horrible I feel when I'm not high. I think half the battle is just changing my thought process to be more positive or something, maybe that’s a key aspect of this whole thing.

Much love everyone, Mav <3
 
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I just got off some ridiculous habit. The dope made me into sort of a blood thirsty deamon! So when i got off the dope, I not only had to deal with wd and all that stuff, but the fact that who I had become was seriously destructive. All I have been doing is taking it one step at a time and doing good nice things for myself as much as I can. I know that it will help.

The feeling that I am having to face is a fascination and affinity to that which burns, but burns so good! :P
 
mav3rick said:
First up, thanks N3ophy7e for editing the thread
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No worries at all love, we look after our fellow Darksiders in here <3

Sounds like you made the right decision with leaving your current counsellor. Did she give you a referral to a drug specialist? What's your plan from here?
 
Mav3rick, you write so fluently and beautifully, it was so easy to read - I am sorry for your pain - I am glad you have not been successful!

Do you know what though - the way I see your story there - the frank openness and honesty - both with us and yourself, it's like, well it seems you've come to understand yourself, whether or not you have a medical word for it, it looks like you've been learning to see your patterns, your idiosyncrasies, what makes you defy yourself and common sense and do stuff anyway - I say that because I had my own addiction in my time, so I dont mean I am casting asper..tions? aspergions...? dunno - at you.

So you know you know the next logical progression will in due course, and soon by the look of it, will be to do something about it - you know, it's like the 5 stages of grief or mourning (or coming to terms with anything really)

denial - (drug usage even though you're ill)
anger (the suicide attempt)
bargaining/pleading - (well if I just cut down, can I still use? No.)
acceptance - this really is me huh? this is really all I am about right now...
change - I want more for myself. I going go and make that happen right now.

You're talking the right talk.. come on, you can do it - take the jump - I'd bet you've a fear of change as much as a fear of what you're doing.

I remember when i was going without - I was an H user 6 years, and that was 6 years ago, but when I didnt have any and I hurt and I cried and I couldnt sleep and was always twitchy - I did however find those were the times that I really wantd to take care of mysel f0 in the way that - I lived alone and so I'd be miseable, but I'd force myself to cook something nice for myself, takem yself ff for walks, play music, have baths, watch films that only i would like - I look back on those times, and I dont see the pain I went through, I distinctly remember a feeling of warmth and I knew I had to stay here in the pain for a few more days and it was going to be horrible, but I felt like I really loved myslf from the inside while I licked my wounds.

of course I would go fuck it up as soon as I could, but I made it eventually - to be honest, I did it the easy way - I packed a bag and left town and only last month 6 years later went back - ecch - but yeah - leave town if you can, change associations - reprogramme the brain and take all the other advice up there too.

um... right, I have to go and have a shower - I wittered on a bit there but I'm not really sorry.
 
hi mav, you sound better - improved. i'm just glad & relieved we could all help - as you take kind of a little risk in picking a thread & posting smg from the heart. vulnerability i gess which is good 4 us all. i think you are becoming our teacher! & you have reminded me wot i want 2 write songs 4 - or who, rather. young women who have suffered & lived through something or things no one would believe you could live through. they r already, i realise the ones i have connected with since the age of 8. there must be a good reason 4 that & it's 1 I will hopefully uncover at some point as I have no memories before the age of 5. afta that age tho i came out fighting! i remember that.

my fella an ex H addict now on subbies 1.5 years and doin ace, says you do feel horrible when ur not using - like not normal - and to be honest he says it takes ages to feel right again and happy and well wen ur not using. but it will come, he says, it does. so that's to look forward to. as 4 ur ex- drug counsellor you know i find a surprising amount of straight kinda women are jealous of free spirits - ppl who dare do something different & be themselves despite laws and done behaviour and society's rules. esp unspoken ones. and tho they put that professional nice 'u can trust me' face on - you can't. so, you have someone good coming i feel to help you, like the friendly woman, a support worker who helped me for bout a year and a half thru my dark times - mental illness after i came out of mental care. i cud tell her anything and she was a lot more realistic about life than anyone else i could or possibly have ever been able to talk to except drug users and other quite free people, in terms of attitudes at least and judgement. But importantly she had great boundaries, something I hadn't really mastered which had got me trusting all the wrong people. ppl like ur old drug counsellor and other ppl who said they were my friends. but didn't have my best interests at heart. also she identified that things that people like my mum had been saying to me all through my years of illness were wrong & really putting me down and making me iller. i wish you well on ur quest for the right one, too. it will make a whole world of difference and it's about valuing yourself too, to know you deserve a good one. even turn some down if they don't feel right. pick someone who really is on your side.
 
Wow, I am so glad you are seeking what you need. You are such a strong individial. Some don't even get through what you have endured. So take care of yourself and go seek some guidance. I am so much better now that I am in therapy. You never can move on until you let go. You can't let go until you icknowledge what's happened. To do that is to find your own journey in life and our own destiny's. Just be strong, as you have been so far. You are on the right track. Please like everyone else has said in this thread, keep us updated.

<3*Much love and support*<3
 
Thanks guys for your continuing support! :)

So I’m officially counsellor-less! I gave her the heave-hoe and haven’t found another yet. It feels weird not having to prepare myself to go talk to someone about things I’d kind of rather keep private but in saying that I know I need to keep going with it. I know counsellors are trained in dealing with all this stuff but I still feel bizarre sharing information and experiences, ffs, I can’t even share it with my best friends yet I can tell some psychologist? Baffling..

Unsure what my plan is from here, I’m kind of in a limbo like state really. I had a brilliant idea of moving states, haha, going from QLD to VIC to get away from it all here but I don’t know if that’s realistic or not. I think I’m just doing what I do best, the old bottle things up, then bail before you have a chance to explode trick, it’s one of my best, haha.. I called/emailed a place in VIC for residential detox/rehab but you had to live in VIC and a bunch of other stuff to be eligible, its funny, you don’t really realise what limited services there actually are until you’re in need of them. I always thought that drugs & alcohol support was a big lucrative industry here in Australia and that there were heaps of places quality help was offered, I’m not saying there isn’t by any means, I'm saying that there should be more! I think a waiting period of three months to get into a program is ridiculous.

I’m about to totally disregard the abovementioned motivation and say that I have none. I’ve completely lost any want/need to get clean, I just don’t see it happening or lasting. The few days I’ve managed to stay clean have been horrendous! I can’t deal with a boring, mundane life filled with a regular job at a regular place, living in a normal house, going to bed at 9pm and waking up early on a Saturday morning to mow the lawn, I just can’t, the thought of it gives me anxiety and sends my thought process through the roof with all this fantastical crap.. I really do think I’m just meant to be a happy tweaker and go through life the way I have been. At the end of the day, I’m only hurting myself and I’m not that important to be cared about..

Much love all, Mav <3
 
Hope your kidneys are okay, OP. Chronic high dose IV meth use really eats them up, from what I've seen. A now deceased friend of mine, let's call him R, a high dose IV tweaker, went into Walgreens and asked the pharmacy tech if there was an OTC remedy in stock that could help stop the stream of blood that was dripping out his penis hole (pee pee hole is the term I think he used). The tech just stared at him and offered to call 911. After R told me this story he undid his pants to show his underwear. The whole front of his boxer shorts was covered in blood. He said he thought the his meth use might be irritating his kidneys a little bit. He used multiple grams a day at times cause he knew how to cook it. I'm wondering if maybe all the leftover lithium in his hastily made batches was the main culprit for the kidney damage? The meth I'm speaking of here was anhydrous ammonia meth, shards might not be as hard on the renal system (what do u think, Sweet P?). He was using the stuff he cooked which was pretty dirty with a lot of leftover precursors in it. So my point is yes, for real Mav3rick, take care of your kidneys cause dialysis sucks, and that is reason enough (amoung a multitude of other reasons) to do what you have to do to get emotionally well so you don't feel the need to do meth and other stuff, at least not to the extreme you are now. I know it is not easy, I struggle myself. Peace and best wishes. Sorry if the post was a bit off the main topic of yer suicide attempt, but I thought the kidney issue was important enough to post about.
 
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the first month is horrendous mate, but slowly your idea of happiness changes and once your boyd is used to not getting fucked, it will find smaller things to fill you with joy - that whole - cant be a routine kinda person is a mind-excuse - it will tell you that's all there is to life to keep you using. i used to think the same when I was coming off H - but I came off anyway and I life is a thrill to me now - even jsut the feeling of knowing I am not addicted to drugs is something that thrills me in itself.
 
OK i finally signed up the other day to comment to this but forgot D:

I know someone who was in the same position as you. She had a fucked up childhood and escaped this through speed and meth. Anyways I don't want to go into this becacuse she was a close family member but she took her life (at the time i was told it was an accident). Other members in my family beared the guilt that they could have somehow prevented this HAD they known her problems. This led to severe depression in two close family members. I was also suffering depression at the time for other reasons, and had either of these two hurt theirselves then i would probably have hurt myself too.

At the end of the day, I’m only hurting myself and I’m not that important to be cared about..
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That is TOTALLY WRONG!! People care about you man. The fact is you might think you are only hurting yourself, but you aren't. You will hurt the people that love you, and that can hurt the people that love them. Talking to a doctor is one thing, talking to the people that love you is another. TALK TO THEM. You would be suprised how many people care for you.

Anyways I am no expert and i strongly advise finding a good counseller, but here is some advice i have for you from when i was suffering depression:

If you can try get away for a while with some close friends or family.
sub-spicecafe.jpg

While i had depression i sat here for 3 days drinking chai lattes with monkeys, bats, butterflys and people i love. It was the most relaxing 3 days of my life and by the end i was in love with life. (edit the pic is the spice garden on the island of penang in malaysia)

You live on the gold coast! Pick up a bodyboard and get into it. When i surf it takes away ANY other thoughts in my mind. You just focus on surfing and it picks you up every time. Skating does this too for me but not as much as bodyboarding. Ive gotten more high off riding a 5 foot barrel than any drug ive ever used.

My advice may have no background since ive never really gotten addicted to a drug (except coffee which i drink 4 cups a day *_*) BUT i just wanna say <3 You can fix yourself and enjoy life, other people have done it and im sure you can, i wish you all the best and please dont try to hurt yourself <3 :)
 
Update time. Hope everyone is doing well! Thank you to each and every one of you, I read all the posts from start to finish and the amount of love is astonishing! <3

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

Right, now that I’ve chilled out a bit, I’ll start on my post. Apologies for not being around sooner and/or replying to the amazing, loving PM’s I’ve received, as you’ll read things have been pretty hectic in old Mav-town lately so I’m hoping the luck (albeit bad) does come in threes and this run has come to a tumultuous end! We could all then rejoice and dance freely in fields filled with sunflowers and playful kittens or whateverthefuck happens in those fantastical places people dream up haha. Does sound kind of awesome though, I’d love a field with kittens! *note to self, abduct kittens.. plough a field.. combine..*

Right, back to the task at hand. Ah yes, the quintessential statement of a well-seasoned procrastinator! Haha. You may have noticed due to my whimsical and (let’s be honest) insane banter that, I’m feeling better.. Yep, I am. It’s true. The happiness I’m feeling is contradictory to how I ‘should’ be feeling considering recent events but, in all honesty, I think I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I don’t mean that in the negative way, I mean it in the positive ‘why worry, be happy’ way. Maybe it’s taken the aforementioned (my initial post) events to get me to this point or perhaps these recent events, maybe even a combination of them all, who am I to know, I’m just here to experience.

Until 14 hours ago, I’d not used speed in 8 days. That’s a motherfucking record right there. Since I’ve been using on a consistent basis (6 years, give or take a bit) I’d never made that length of time in one continuous block before, for example, I’d use Monday, Thursday, Friday of one week then maybe not again until Tuesday or Wednesday but I can guarantee, it was never close to 8 days! I did use smack on the very first afternoon to try and feel better and I stupidly shot pseudoephedrine pills on the second day/night (can’t remember) again, to try and feel better. Shooting pseudo, bad fucking idea, it’s all the bad you experience with speed, times a billion and a half, oh and just in case you’re not suffering quite enough let’s throw in a few rainbow vomits and the bad shakes for 2 days afterwards. Excellent! Two thumbs down people..

During that pseudo-stupid evening I was hit with the most intense headache/migraine imaginable. The pain was unbearable! To cut a long story short, I ended up spending time in the hospital, getting a billion tests and scans, then being informed that I have a ‘seizure disorder’. Woo. I was given medication, told to take them and if my headache returned even to half the strength of its predecessor, I should return immediately. Again, woo. So, I arrived home, somewhat eagerly, well I was only eager to accost my own bed, haha. As the night progressed, my headache came back but I didn’t want to make an issue out of it, so ignorance + morphine = bliss, right?.. Not even 2 days after leaving the hospital, I was straight back. I was having uncontrollable seizures (I think I may have mentioned in one of my posts about a blackout I had, it was quite freaky and I didn’t really focus too much on it, because well, it was frightening. I lost about 40 minutes of time (of which I still can’t recollect) and I just put it down to being on a run for five days, no sleep and if memory serves me, being right in the middle of stress-ville and not-coping-town! Apparently that was one of these ‘seizures’. Go figure.)
and wasn’t responding well to their treatments. I don’t remember much of this, I’ve been caught up by my boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, friend but we like/liked each other/guy who lives next door.. (Yeahhhhh... things have changed since I started composing this reply.. last night!).. who was my liaison officer as it were, haha. I had to stay in hospital for a bit, no definitive answers were given, no alternate diagnoses, no action plan, no nothing. I have a plethora of neuro-insert big brainy word here-logist appointments in the next three days so hopefully I will know exactly what happened and how to stop it from happening again. Fingers crossed!

Besides that, things are pretty good.. A little bit of relationship trouble, a lot of money trouble, but I’ll be okay.

Much love, Mav <3
 
im glad your doing much better, bro <3

as mentioned by another person you seem to be a strong personality which had to go through some serious shit. you will succeed in becoming healthy and happy again just because when i read your writings, i can see a great amout of power that is still inside of you.

you have much to give and there will come people who appreciate your love and love you back. and this will be the point in life we all wanna reach.
you deserve it after all those thing that have happened to you. me, im still on my way through the woods.

take car, you're magic.

<3 eric
 
u have a LOAD 2 give, i agree. do it! life is a promise, mother theresa said. fulfill it! xx good luck babe. keep on truckin.. ur pace.
 
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