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Failed suicide, now I'm actually dying for real

mav3rick

mav3rick

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 16, 2009
Messages
485
Location
Melbourne! On a mattress in St Albans with a puffi
*Apologies for the super long thread*

Argh, what an insanely hectic past month and a bit I’ve had. There’s been so much that’s happened, both good and bad! Well, mainly bad.. Actually, all bad.. It has taken me a while to get to this junction, that being, the point of actually revisiting the thoughts and actions which ultimately led to a serious death wish and subsequent suicide attempt two weeks ago.

I’ve really been struggling with my addiction (speed, meth) lately, I find myself getting fucking super strung out, every single week without fail, I will go on a 4-5 day binge with no sleep and no food, surviving on Gatorade and going through a gram (or two) a day. I’m way broke, yet I always manage to get money for a fix. It just gets tiring but the vicious circle continues.. I can’t escape the needle, I came to that conclusion a little while ago, pretty much right in the middle of all this crap, which didn’t make me feel any better that’s for sure! I’m leading a double life, none of my friends know, family certainly doesn’t. I stay up for days and start seeing the shadow people, colours changing, the smokey hazed appearance everything takes on, being unbelievably paranoid and hearing noises and voices etc, yet I can still see my best friend of nearly 14 years, four days into binge mode and she’s got no clue and suspects nothing. Have I become that fucking awesome at leading this double life? Or have I been so drug fucked for a long period of time that my actions are seen by others as just who I am?

During the past month I’ve really been concerned that I’ll be exposed, not because of anything that’s happened but perhaps that’s just my mind ‘wanting’ me to have someone to hold me accountable for my actions, I don’t know.. After all the stuff you’re about to read happened, I confided in one person completely, told him everything, it didn’t feel good at all, my ridiculous mind decided to make me think he would now use this information against me, to hurt me or fuck with my life.. I have a lot of regret about that..

I get these really intense panic attacks which are starting to concern me, but they pretty much only start happening when I’ve been on a binge for three, four, five days and I start thinking about sleep or I’m so fucked that my being is forcing me to chill out, it petrifies me beyond belief. My body feels like it shuts down, I have frequent moments where I’m not breathing and I can’t get a breath, I just can’t communicate with my lungs to get them to inflate! I was talking to a friend of mine who experiences the same thing with stims so perhaps it’s a drug thing and not a fucked-up-brain thing..

Okay, I’ll be honest, I really wanted to die. I wanted the pain I was experiencing to go away, it was staying and intensifying. No amount or variation of drug was helping and because drugs are all I have in my life, I thought I was out of options. I thought this pain would never end. It wasn’t just psychosomatic either; I was in actual physical pain. Of course there are psychological issues mashed up in the kind of pain I’m talking about, everyone has ‘issues’ right? Who or what dictates whether or not my issues are ‘bad enough’ to warrant killing myself? I think that’s down to the individual. It’s a choice only the person experiencing it can make I guess. Yep, I’ve gone through some fucked up events in my 25 years, I’m not going to go into great detail but I think the three things that have had the most impact would be;

1. When I was six years old, my best friend had kerosene thrown over her and was set on fire by her father, it was all because of a custody battle with her mother. I was standing right next to her as she burned to death and did nothing to help her.
2. I was emancipated at fourteen-ish and lost all contact with my family because of an abusive, alcoholic father who was extremely physically violent towards me. I had no support from family members and spent time living under a bridge and in parks/backyards.
3. Last month, that drunken abusive father died. I was called the day after and was explicitly told to not attend the funeral. I did anyway, perhaps wasn’t a wise decision in retrospect.

Number three on that list would be the thing that has had the most recent impact on me. I live with one and two everyday and have found ways to cope over the years; three knocked me the fuck over. My father drank vodka, litres of it each day for as far back as I can remember. On the afternoon I was informed, I went to the bottle shop and bought four bottles of the vodka he used to drink, came home, shot a gram of speed and proceeded to drink (before this, I would have considered myself a non-drinker, I never drank) as much as I possibly could, which ended up being a fucking insane amount because I guess the speed kept me so high that the alcohol had no effect. For the rest of that week and the beginning of the next, I kept that routine up. Gram and a bottle a day, I didn’t sleep a wink.

As I progressed through that week, I felt my psyche change, for the worse, I abused any substance possible and any person I decided I could afford to lose from my life. Something snapped in my brain which provided me with a plethora of violent, enraged thoughts of which I couldn’t control the frequency or duration! I was constantly bombarded with pure fucking anger and hatred, not toward anyone or anything in particular, there was no vendetta to be settled, no vengeance to seek, nothing, it was just there. In a moment of clarity, I thought for a second perhaps I’m turning into my father, perhaps these are the demons he dealt with daily, maybe I’m being shown this to gain compassion, understanding or forgiveness.. Or maybe it showed me the truth, of what I really am, who I really have become.. I found myself using my past as some kind of weapon against myself, fuck was this dangerous.

I know it sounds weird but the internal conflict I was going through was unexplainable and painful. I remember saying to a BL friend that it was’ painful’ but I didn’t know what ‘it’ was, it hurt, it hurt real bad as I explained in an above paragraph. On reflection, I can say that I didn’t plan my suicide because I felt sad or depressed, it was to get rid of the pain.. I tried talking it out with two BL friends but I seriously felt like I was annoying them, wasting their time, being a complaining fucking sook and the thought that I was impacting their lives in a negative way by the aforementioned sooky-ness, well it seems that was the last straw. When that thought-ninja attached itself to my brain I was fucked. Game over. Yes, this narcissistic fuck actually thought of, and cared about, those two BLers that I allowed into my inner circle, that fucking much, I couldn’t stand living with who I had become. That day, that one day, a mere two weeks ago, as I was trying to explain the pain I was in to her, I just couldn’t take another minute, let alone another second of it. At exactly that moment, my thought process had become a plan, in another moment, that plan had become a fucking quest, not even a minute later I was on my way to collect what I needed to succeed.

I scored enough heroin to incapacitate a small army, grabbed a pack of box cutter blades, went to the bathroom, closed the door and sat on the floor. I wrote a six word sentence and the names of the five people I care about most in this world on the back of an old bank receipt, put it on the sink and started the process by snorting a little to calm down as I was still buzzing from my last shot of speed. Loaded up and went for broke, shot both syringes (and this is where it starts to get fuzzy and my memory cuts out) quicker than ever before, managed to grab a blade and made a really deep long slice to my wrist, I remember seeing the white tiles start to turn red, there was a few flickers of bright light, reminded me of when you turn a fluorescent light on and it takes a second to come good.. That’s all I remember..

I was found not even fifteen minutes later by an old friend of mine I hadn’t seen in over six months, she was in the area dropping her son off somewhere and just decided to visit. When she called me from my front door to surprise me and I didn’t answer either phone or door she started to panic. I’ve asked her at least thirty times what happened, what made her panic, why did she react so strongly and the only answer she’s ever given me is “something wouldn’t let me leave” subsequently she ended up breaking my window screen, unlatching the side door, heading into the bathroom and found me covered in vomit and blood, unconscious and convulsing. Ambulance arrived, they gave me something which made me wake up but it didn’t last long, I kept going in and out of consciousness due to the amount of heroin I’d taken and blood loss apparently. Anyway, fast forward through the hospital stay. I released myself after three days and went home.

I had a few complications afterwards, went back to the hospital and found out my kidneys are fucked. I was told that I need to get clean ASAP or my kidneys will shut down further and I’ll need a transplant but being in a ‘high risk’ category (drug users and drinkers) it’s practically impossible, I understand that.. So, a million tests and specialist appointments later, I just gave up, I said fuck this and couldn’t even last a full day without using something. The first night it was codeine, I couldn’t sleep so I just laid there thinking and hurting, as soon as it was light outside I went and scored speed, came home, used and bada bing, bada boom, haven’t stopped since.. Am I too deep in this that the promise of death /serious illness which leads to death, doesn’t even carry enough power to ‘scare’ me straight? I know this road leads to nowhere fun, I just can’t give it up..

Since my suicide attempt I haven’t been myself. I feel odd and out of place, it’s very bizarre and a little bit frightening. I was asked by a BL friend if I would ever do it again, it took me a few minutes to respond because I wasn’t sure of the answer. I said that I wouldn’t. I don’t know if I can stick to that though, things haven’t improved at all, far from it actually. It’s hard when you still have that little gremlin sitting on your shoulder whispering in your ear. I don’t want to hurt the people that care about me, I’m just lost and hurting.

Thanks for reading and to whoever posts..

Much love! Mav <3
 
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Wow mav, I am so so relieved to hear that your friend found you and that you made it through. That kinda stuff happens for a damn good reason. She could've easily just assumed you weren't home and walked away, but she didn't, she persisted for whatever reason and now you're thankfully still here today <3

You really need some help though mav. You can't keep going on like this and you need professional help to try and not only quit the drugs but to work through the issues from your past. You've been through a lot, far more than most people, and you're only human so you can't be expected to carry all of that weight on your shoulders forever. It's dragging you down but it doesn't have to hun, you can work through this.

Have you seen a drug counsellor or psychologist before?
 
To me it looks like you intoxicate yourself in order to shut down, to lose contact with reality and forget the inner pain by becoming someone else, someone who is immune to the scenes of murder and madness that you had the misfortune to witness.

In your case, physical addiction will go away as easy as it came, I wouldn't worry too much about it. What is more severe is your state of mind itself. It's your state of mind that drove you to do the things you did.

You need to seek professional help, someone who understands you, someone who can heal your mind, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, that can undergo hypnosis and other therapies. They will help you forget or better understand the truth about you, your origins, your family, the truth about your father, about carrying for someone, and about life in general.

A bit like when a computer has a virus and you just can't work it out by yourself until a programmer arrives and re-installs windows and all of a sudden things are clear, and work the way they should always have.

You can go through this...if you make the right choices and right now the right choice is to seek professional help and go to rehab immediately, as in, you should have been there already as we speak.
 
You honestly have two options mav, throw in the towel and get help, because let's be honest you can't get out of this rut alone. Or continue to let your addiction and past control you.

I don't know if it means anything to you, but I'll pray for you and keep you in mind. I hope you can find the strength and courage to keep going.
 
I've tried twice, and now I'm so glad I wasn't successful. I was misdiagnosed and it was so frustrating not getting any better. It took some professional help to finally get the correct diagnosis and the right meds and now I finally feel like a normal person again, at least what's normal for me. I wish you nothing but good luck, and hopefully you can return to your normal self again. Never give up, we tend to catastrophize things and make them worse than they truly are, we need to compartmentalize our problems and try to work through them. Your next step should be to seek professional help and start on your road towards recovery.
 
Wow, I had no idea you were feeling so bad hun! I'm SO glad you pulled through. If you see me on MSN, don't be afraid to talk about this. I've been plagued by depression and suicidal thoughts ever since my early teens, and I've acted upon them a few times... somehow I managed to survive each attempt to take my own life, but my liver is almost totally fucked as a result of them.

As you know, I'm recovering from quite a heavy speed and meth addiction. One thing I realised is that it's almost impossible to battle this addiction alone. I'm currently seeing a drug counsellor once a week by court order. Sometimes I've resented having to attend the treatment, but overall I don't think I could have quit my daily meth habit without it. I'd strongly recommend you get into counselling or even detox if you can.

A lot of drug counsellors are experienced with "dual-diagnosis" patients like myself, who have underlying mental health issues behind their addictions. You will probably find counselling to be a live saver... meth is such a poisonous drug, and eventually it will kill you (maybe at a point in your life when you do want to live). I'm amazed you've been able to keep your addiction a secret for so long - within a year of mine I was your stereotypical pale, skinny, paranoid tweaker. :\
 
I think most if not all drug abusers are trying to dull their mental pain, very few do it for just the love of drugs,
@maver3ck I too have attempted suicide twice , once fairly recently and allmost suceeded (the 1st was a drunken cry for help) at the moment im still planning the same course with I.V. heroin and benzo combo as my o.d. way out, this time i will make sure im not found by any member of the public.
Your post is allmost overwheliming by the sheer sadness of your life experiences. On paper there worse than mine but and people allways say theres someone worse of than you. i dont think this nugget of wisdom is helpfull tbh as mental pain is personal thing and what effects one person doesnt effect another as much .
as has been said i also find it unbelievebly how youve kept your addiction secret so long, when im using i have a big neon sign over my head which says "active junkie". im an up and down mess who is a complete hopeless mental wreck within weeks.
anyway good luck as imo mental and emotional pain is the worst kind there is, beats physical by far ime and no one can judge you for trying to "cure" this pain in your own way with street drugs. i know my using was a kind of self harm with the needles involved and a sort of slow suicide in itself.
 
Your life circumstances are rather mind blowing even to someone with the safe distance afforded by our virtual connection.

Some people with trauma issues on the dark side have sworn by EMDR as being a great help in processing trauma, though my emdr sessions were pretty lackluster. Enough very serious trauma has gone on with you that I think you definitely ought see a professional even though you are obviously a strong and resilient person. I admire you and as you get through this I think you will have a lot to offer this community or any other you choose to participate in.

You already know recreational drugs are not an answer to processing the traumatic elements of our past. I don't know that cognitive therapy or EMDR or any particular therapeutic modality is your answer but I think you will find a useful solution for yourself and end up helping a lot of people along the way. Please do update this thread with what happens as you go about getting better. :)
 
Hey man your post really reminds me of similar experiences in my life. I have been in pain for the last 4 years. Eventually psychological pain manifests itself as physical pain. A couple years back, I had a bout that was so painful and lasted so long that I was seriously considering the idea of killing myself, not out of some sad desperate cowardly thing to do, but literally to put myself out my misery. I held on though. I had enough sense about myself to give it time and watched what happened.

My theory on what happens to us humans goes something like this. When 2 ducks fight they flap their wings and make all sorts of angry hisses and what not(the equivalence of humans screaming at each-other). But as soon as its over the ducks swim side by side as if nothing happened. Why? Because they are in a state of detachment, and sure that comes natural to them, but it doesn't come natural to us, or if it does, we have distorted it for so long that it doesn't anymore.

If ducks behaved like humans did, after they squabbled they would go about their own ways thinking "THAT FUCKING DUCK NUMBER2 HOW COULD HE DO THAT TO ME?? WHATS HE THINK I AM? I HATE THAT DUCK. HE THINKS ITS OK TO TALK ABOUT MY RELIGION THAT WAY??? ILL SHOW HIM!!" <---painful thoughts

And this behavior of thinking about the situation after the fact can continue for ones entire life. Of-course the situations will change, but the basic behavior will remain the same. Some situations wont change. For instance those 3 things that happened to you. Those you have been carrying around after the fact for a long time.

Now you may be wondering why all this talk about carrying around things after they happen? Well the reason I am telling you this now is because those thoughts are painful! Not only are those thoughts painful, they also lead to emotional pain. Thoughts and emotions are connected. You think happy,you feel happy, you think pain, you feel pain.

Now lets add another factor into the mix. The desire for the pain to be over. Humans seem pretty much unaware that they are causing their own pain. Have you ever seen someone who seems to be choosing to be sad? No matter how hard you try, you just cant cheer them up? How about someone who is yelling and getting themselves all worked up over nothing? Yelling and getting irate and spiteful is not creative growth energy(typically). Its more like negative energy. But we create it anyway. So we have this vague sense that something just isn't right. Were not quite sure what isnt right, we just have a feeling and our experiences of suffering, so "something is amiss."

And thats when we try to nurse our pain. We nurse it with drugs, food, sex, money, houses, cars, travel, video games. Any distractions. Anything to take our mind off the pain. And as I said earlier the pain is caused by our collecting things that happened in the past and carrying them with us through the succession of moments. The material things we nurse our pain with is really just making our lives more out of control though! The desire to kill the pain creates situations where we need to go through more pain in another way to get rid of such and such a pain. An example might be a fat person who hates themselves who is eating and eating and eating, and all the while he is eating, he is thinking how wrong this is because he knows its unhealthy but he can't stop because the flavor helps keep his mind off of things and makes him feel a certain type comfort high. "Comfort eating." (why do you they hate themselves? because of some mental baggage they carry around about themselves that happened in the past, or because of mental baggage that was given to them i.e. fat people are wrong, fat people are gross, fat people are reject, etc etc..(please take note that I am not saying that, merely acting as a conduit for some of the nasty messages that overweight people encounter.)

So to sum it up. We carry around baggage that happened in the past and fears of the future. This baggage causes us suffering on the level of thought, emotions, and physically. We try to bury the feelings, but as we all know that is not truly possible and the feelings just intensify from our trying to hide from them. We could learn a whole lot from ducks! Ducks who just carry on as if now is the only moment that ever matters.

So the way I see it, humans have 2 choices if they are caught in a cycle.

1. If your going to carry around baggage, transform it to happy baggage. Remember the good times. I imagine at first it would be a matter of a type of weightlifting, where we would have to expend a tremendous amount of effort to transmute the negative thoughts that fill our mind to positive.

2. Have no baggage. Instead of being so and so, simply be. To surrender. To give up all the
 
Wow, thanks for all the replies. I'm kinda surprised that you all took heaps of time out of your lives to reply with such warm and loving words. I don't have much to say, or the strength to say it at the moment but I will definitely reply properly soon!

Thanks again everyone it's kinda comforting to know others have been where I am.

Much love, Mav <3
 
^I'm sure a lot of us have been there before, so its just our way of helping people through what we've experienced. I'm sure none of us would wish even our worst enemies what we've been through.
 
Ok.. I'm now ready to respond!

First up, thank you. Thank you to everyone who posted here.. I read each and every comment carefully and am pretty surprised but super grateful for all the kind words and support, made me actually 'feel' a little loved <3

To reply to some of your comments, yep I am seeing a counsellor. Have been for about three months or so, I think I need to find a new, better one as some of the comments made by my DC (drug counsellor for future reference) actually contributed a little to my suicide attempt I think.. I don't get along with her at all and I don't think she can handle how 'crazy' or whatever I actually am..

For instance, the first time I met her, I asked about her qualifications.. She responded that she had completed her BA in Psychology (which I have done too) and didn't go on to complete any Masters work.. I pretty much said that she wasn't qualified to attempt to help me as I have the same qualifications (plus an extra two degrees) as her and I couldn't even work my brain out! I know, this was fucked up of me but that's the kind of insanity I deal with every second of every day!

So finding a DC I get along with or one that I feel comfortable with might make a difference.. I don't know.. I've always been the kind of person who never asks for help, never says anything about 'feelings' or whatever. I always have a black/white view on things and I keep things private. Lately though that's changed.. I'm finding myself revealing things (especially to one friend in particular, she's a fucking saint I swear to God) and actually getting kinda 'emotional' about stuff, not crying or anything but things just affect me more.. Hmm..

As far as leading a double life goes, yep I've been doing it for years.. I think I just picked up this weird skill set of deciet, quick thinking and adaptation over time and used it to survive while I was homeless, it worked so well that I've carried it with me this entire time and I always revert back to it.. I don't like it but it does come in VERY handy! I have kept my addiction a complete secret from all friends (except BL friends, two shooting friends) and all family (easy, considering I don't have contact etc) except for one person now.. Like I said in the first post, telling someone all that stuff was hard and I don't know if I feel better for it or not, only time will tell I guess.. I am sick of leading this double life but I can't see a way out..

Thanks SweetP! I know I've been distant lately, just going through some stuff as you have read haha. I really value your wisdom and how kind you've been to me! I just didn't want to seem like I was a fucking whinger and that all I want to do is complain about me and blah blah.. Haha.. Next time you're on, I'll definitely say hello.. <3

Draigan! Thank you.. Your post was awesome, I keep reading it over and over.. The duck analergy was wicked, thank you for taking the time!

Enki, Jekyll & WhiteMilk.. A big thanks! Wise words..

Donnie.. Dude, are you serious that you're going to attempt (and from your words, succeed) again? See I might sound like a hypocrite but hearing that makes me sad :( Sad to hear you're feeling like that.. I know I tried and failed and I don't feel any better or less wanting to end it, but yeah hearing that really makes me want to help YOU! Not the other way around..

N3ophy7e and Provoke.. Provoke, thanks. Your post really spoke to me and you make some super valid points. I really respect what you said and you're exactly right.. Your first sentence sums it up.. Thank you for the love N3ophy7e and being the first to post!

Footscrazy.. <3 Enough said.. :)

I went nearly three days without using but couldn't hold out any longer! I had to use and I did tonight.. A dear friend of mine is a week clean and sober today we were kinda going straight together but I feel like a fuckhead for caving in after a day the first time and now after three days when she's doing so well!!
Another mate said I shouldn't feel bad because three days is awesome but I do.. I feel weird even talking with her on MSN while I'm sitting here high because I don't want to influence her in any way. I know she's strong and won't go score because I'm high but yeah.. Has anyone had these kinda thought or a situation similar?

So yeah, wasn't using for three days but I am now so I know it's not a huge amount of time but for me it kinda is.. Also, I stayed clear of the needle too the entire time, that's just as big as keeping off the drug! I still have the pain I was talking about, it's no worse/no better but perhaps 'under control' now.. I dunno.. I opened up to a friend today about some stuff from my past, it was good to get that out but I still felt like I was being an inconvienience etc.. I guess that'll pass as I build 'confidence' or whatever I'm lacking.. I just don't know how to cope with stuff, I think I'm full.. I think I've cruised through life, coping with shit and not dealing with it, that my quota is full up.. I dunno how to empty it..

Thanks again all.. Means heaps to know there's love around :) I'll post again soon when I have other stuff to say. I'd really appreciate some more action on this thread if people feel like replying that'd be cool.. I'd like that..

Much love, Mav <3
 
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Finding the right counselor will make alot of difference, I promise you. I used to say counseling was crap, no good, didn't work, all they wanted was money. But I was forced into more counseling by the court and found a wonderful counselor who really cared and was REALLY good. She did more for me in 6 months than years of counseling with the wrong people did in years. I am really grateful and owe her alot. You seem like such a strong amazing person, just keep holding on and trying. You will find the right one for you and when you do, you will know right away. Probably with the first session or at least the first few. I wish you the best of luck. You deserve that and more.
 
hiya, i think being practical i agree that getting a real top professional support worker or workers of different sorts is the most important change you can make now - coz here in the uk you can have access to a few different ones - say you could have outpatient or inpatient access to a psychiatrist (i did so don't be afraid - i needed it) and then they may say you are best to have CBT cognitive behavioural therapy for your particular issues, and then you can get a rehab type support worker come visit you, take you out, spend time with you who you can tell everything to. i only say this coz ur getting some great support now and seeming to get the hang and benefit of opening up to those you know you can trust - but nothing is better to really succeed in a cure longterm than professional support - coz family/friends can only do so much and they get kinda tired and it hurts them as much as us after they lose the initial keen impetus coz healing takes a long time - i think you understand; have fun and chill with your friends, you can keep it lighter and enjoy their friendship if you can offload bigtime and everything and go deep with those who love and professionally dedicate themselves to that work and who can almost work miracles and are experienced and good at it. remember you are not the only one they will have helped in this way. i hope somehow knowing others are going through the same sort of experience for the same sort of reasons with difficult tough issues to explain why a lot of this has happened to you - will help you realise you can get through by getting the right support team - and you deserve a team, a few people for different kinds of support. then no one will get tired of helping you and you will always have someone you can call in working hours at least - you will not feel bad about leaning on them and you will know your boundaries with them, how much time each can give you and get used to that regime each week etc. Your current drug counsellor does NOT sound or feel right; they seem hard? inaccessible, i don't know if that sounds right. but you are spot on to say they are not good enough for your needs - and it is key! you get the right person/people - who really do make you feel totally valued and worthwhile and believed in, it will make the difference. your family etc may not have given you this support for example but the right key worker(s) will and can and will be dedicated to you as much as their time and job allows. good luck. if you have to pay, unlike us, find someone really special. interview them! it will be worth it and so is your health, life and future and that of those who are around you and will be in your future - coz your life will get sorted :)
 
mav how are you doing today hun? I hope you're feeling better. Are you still using? Have you seen your counsellor this week?
Much love, and take care okay?? <3
 
Hey N3ophy7e!

Aww thanks! Yeah it's been a tough week but I'm slowly improving I guess.. There's no quick fix so I've been told so the road ahead is going to be long, and stupid and annoying. Haha.

I've definitely been an idiot lately re: drug use. Pushing boundaries and such, taking heaps more than I usually do, unsure why but I guess that's the million dollar question huh! I was on a four-five day binge and actually had a weird blackout type thing.. I went for a shower but afterwards I couldn't remember showering or anything! I lost 45mins of time. It really freaked me out, I pieced together that I did in fact shower because my hair was wet and I actually ended up in bed for a part of the time, my pillow was wet (from my wet hair) and I read MSN conversations I had with people because I ended up 'waking up' sitting back in my computer chair.. I still can't remember what happened, it bothers me, greatly..

I'm still using, yep. But I went half Sunday, Monday and Tuesday with nothing! Fuck it was hard. I actually ended up sleeping for all of it, slept through alarms and phone calls and texts yesterday, missed work and everything! Not good at all.. So I'm back using today, I have work tonight and I can't stay awake without it, that's my excuse anyways.. I feel really bad about using, lots of guilt but the feeling of getting high has overrun those guilty feelings..

Supposed to be seeing drug counsellor this Friday, I'm going to end it there. I don't think seeing her is beneficial to me at all, so I've been looking into another place. Not much luck so far though!

I have actually been thinking about entering rehab. I emailed a few places and got in touch with a detox/rehab place I was going to go to back in February (they were full so I couldn't) but it scares me a bit. I kinda don't care about people finding out now, I think I'm just over this entire fucking lifestyle. I have a doctors appointment next week, he's been super helpful and is always in my corner so I'm gonna see if he can pull any strings I guess.. I can't do this on my own, I just can't..

Thanks for your love N3o! <3

Thanks for all the posts guys, really appreciate it! :)

x Mav
 
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