Failed cold turkey project and back to beeing an addict

[Kennethjalla83]

Been sober for 2 years after 15 months in treatment from October 2018 - January 2020. Did very good and enjoyed life as sober intil September 2020 after i had been stupid and opened my heart to a girl for the first time in 20 years, i usually refuse to let myself be vulnerable but i thought she was worth the risk. Didn't go well and se broke my heart. At first i handled it very well without drugs or alcohol and just escaped into Tinder which became like a drug for me. Loved the excitement in feeling whanted and the thrill of meeting casual womans, my confidence was sky high. Met a nice woman that iam with today but my downfall started at a dinner at her house October 2020, she offered me a beer with the food and i hesitantly said yes after first declining. Did just 1 beer and i liked the feeling of the buzz and i was feeling in control. So i then ended up experimenting more and more with my illusion that i could control my drinking and drink normally. Started going to bars to pick up womans and chat with stranger, hunting women's became like my new addiction to escape the feelings of beeing dumped by my ex (my biggest love in life). At the time i whent to an after care group once a week and was honest about my adventures with alcohol and womans, i was warned about them seeing red flags but i was feeling confident that i had control, intil one evening at a bar ended up in a night on amphetamine, the night was awesome but the day after was so awful it made me remember why i had stopped that life do it didn't happen again. But i kept on drinking and after a binge in February 2021 u was offered my favorite drug.. Heroin, so i jumped on the bus to a couple of "friends". I had saud to myself thst i was only gonna snort it but stupid from alcohol i whent straight on the needle end ended up instantly passing out in an overdose. I woke up after 1 hour, a girl was punching my face and suddenly there was an army of paramedics around me. My friends had also given my naloxone nasal spray so i wasnt feeling gd to say the least, the paramedics checked me and i was fine enough to stay. The whole night was puking and anxiety from what had just happend, it scared the shit out of me. But after some weeks i whent and bought some Heroin again, but this time i stayed away from the needle. I managed to just use some weekends then stay away from several weeks before having new bing, feeling i had control and managed to not become addicted. But then in April i had suddenly been on a 1 week binge that gave me weak withdrawal so it ended up being a 4 week binge, boom i was trapoed again. Been fighting like hell since then to become sober agsin, tried going on subutex tapers then back to heroin then subutex again, back and forth loosing the battle each time. So now i had stocked up on pregabalin and clonazepam for a new taper try, i was 3 weeks on buprenorphine then i took 10 days on Heroin befor my last 1 week taper on buprenorphine, had a fall back after 2-3 days on heroin low dose. Then 2 days ago i whent into withdrawal and tried to cope using pregabalin, hash and clonazepam. The heroin withdrawal combined with the extreme heavy body feeling i got after taking 600 mg lyrica and a joint that made me sleep 12 hours made this day worse than if i had just been in Heroin withdrawal,its been the longest day this year. So at evening i decided to by some heroin, whent out and bought 2 grams, was only supposed to get a half that i was gonna low dose beforr maybe trying cold turkey again. Fuck this shit is stupid, i really miss beeing sober, i hate the lying and dobbel life because i have built up so much gd that iam afraid to loose. I was thinking 4 month should be managable to get off at home without seeking help. But i have decided that i need to just tell everyone that i have had a fallback, and that i will be going back into detox for some weeks. My head is really thorn, i will se my new doctor next week, haven't seen a doctor in over 2 years but i have decided i need go there to lift my heart and empty my mind and get help for seek treatment. Iam really struggling with the shame and feelings of beeing a failure after doing so well after my last treatment. I knew alcohol would make me go back to opiates eventually but i was really naiv. So now iam hooked on H again, but the lesson is that alcohol is ly real demon. So if i get a successful detox in a treatment center i have that knowledge to take with me.. I can never drink alcohol again. Hate feeling depressed and the mental pain beeing addicted brings, the feeling of not wanna live but suicide is not an option. Gonna enjoy my H tonight then tty staying at low dose intil i can get into rehab, but iam really scared for the coming days whenni have to tell people about my failure Anyways iam sure thisbis boring reading but i just had to went my mind somewhere.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

Hi mate, sorry to hear about your predicament. But rest assured you're not the only one - there are many of us on here with very similar experiences.

For that reason, I'm going to move this over to the 'Health and recovery subforum where you will find many like minded people and excellent mods.


Take care and all the best!

 

[n3ophy7e]

Thanks @F.U.B.A.R.

Hi @Kennethjalla83 and welcome to Bluelight. I'm glad you found us
I know that it might feel very much like a failure right now, but try not to think of it like that, because it will only make you feel worse about what's happened. A certain set of circumstances lead to you using H again, it happens. I am a recovering alcoholic and addict and oh my fucking god I know how terrifyingly easy it is to relapse. It doesn't mean you failed, it just means that it happened. By far the most important thing now is how you recover from this. It is excellent that you are wanting to get back in to treatment. Have you made any phonecalls to treatment centres? Or will you start making enquiries next week? The intention to get clean is there, don't let go of it
Please keep us updated with how you're doing okay? There are A LOT of people here who have been through exactly what you're going through, so you are not alone

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

i hate the lying and dobbel life because i have built up so much gd that iam afraid to loose. I was thinking 4 month should be managable to get off at home without seeking help. But i have decided that i need to just tell everyone that i have had a fallback, and that i will be going back into detox for some weeks.

Uncovering that hidden inner turmoil will undoubtedly not have a negative return. Unless this is the same over and over and over again.
Leading that double life can cause others to imagine all kind or "other" reasons why this or that may change occasionally (or often).
It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in a relationship to give the "real" resons we were so broke all the time (lies always peviously.. diggin deeper mentally and spiritually. Maybe not your cse but metaphorically a relationship is a lot healthier and more binding and supportive of one that is wrought with deceit and subterfuge.
Steppin up is not the end or the world... it is the oppotunity to create together what it is you all wish.

Do we have to talk about sacrifices from all parties?

 

[Kennethjalla83]

Thanks @F.U.B.A.R.

Hi @Kennethjalla83 and welcome to Bluelight. I'm glad you found us
I know that it might feel very much like a failure right now, but try not to think of it like that, because it will only make you feel worse about what's happened. A certain set of circumstances lead to you using H again, it happens. I am a recovering alcoholic and addict and oh my fucking god I know how terrifyingly easy it is to relapse. It doesn't mean you failed, it just means that it happened. By far the most important thing now is how you recover from this. It is excellent that you are wanting to get back in to treatment. Have you made any phonecalls to treatment centres? Or will you start making enquiries next week? The intention to get clean is there, don't let go of it
Please keep us updated with how you're doing okay? There are A LOT of people here who have been through exactly what you're going through, so you are not alone

I appreciate your kind words, i havent made any phonecall but i had a meeting with a outreach life crisis program in my city for help get som ideas for my next step and for get someone to share my mind with. And i gotta say it was extremely lifting just to get to tell someone i was struggling again even though we'd never met before. My next step now is to go see my doctor on Tuesday, since i relocated after i finished treatment last time i havent met my new doctor yet so we have no relation yet, but i decided to just go there and throw everything on the table and ask for her to make me a reference for get an appointment at the local hospital drug detox center. So hopefully i can get an appointment there in short time and further help to get into detox again. I just wanns get in and get it over with, just gonna try spending my waiting tapering to make detox as easy as possible andbtry not to up my doses and make a pure hell for myself.

 

[Kennethjalla83]

Uncovering that hidden inner turmoil will undoubtedly not have a negative return. Unless this is the same over and over and over again.
Leading that double life can cause others to imagine all kind or "other" reasons why this or that may change occasionally (or often).
It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in a relationship to give the "real" resons we were so broke all the time (lies always peviously.. diggin deeper mentally and spiritually. Maybe not your cse but metaphorically a relationship is a lot healthier and more binding and supportive of one that is wrought with deceit and subterfuge.
Steppin up is not the end or the world... it is the oppotunity to create together what it is you all wish.

Do we have to talk about sacrifices from all parties?

I couldn't agree more, its just that the relationship haven't become so serious yet and its just on and off depending on the schedule on what weeks she has her kids as iam not official in her life yet so i havent managed or dared to make myself vulnerable to her yet as i feel iam just the lover boy. But honestly i think that is a gd thing because iam a real emotions personality and emotions almost always brings me back to troubles in my head. Its what got me back to where iam now, i was actually really happy before i started messing with love, i guess i started that road to early in my recovery. Anyways point beeing i know i can be honest there to and not having to feel i will be hurt all over again if my truth is not accepted.

 

[Kennethjalla83]

Visited my doctor today and she sent an application for rehab for me, so within 10 days i will be on my way back to detox. Thank god for the Norwegian free health care system

 

[dragonix]

good for you!

 

[Kennethjalla83]

Got my letter from the hospital today, and i will be hospitalized for detox 4th of October at 10am. I have been in and out of detox and long term treatment since 2011 and never have i experienced getting in so fast. Iam just amazed and so happy iam boosting with energy, and ofcourse iam celebrating staying up all night doing lines Yeah i know not the best idea but a typical reaction, iam just happy that i can stress less about how much money i need and for how long, instead i now know exactly how much money i need for H to get me tru the 17 days intil my detox hospitalization, and iam trying to keep my mind set on not going completely haywire and use more just because of that reason. I will keep trying to taper with maybe a once a week slip for a better high, but ultimately i wanna my detox initiation to be as comfortable as possible. Iam pretty sure the first week i will be getting a buprenorphine taper before the big battle begins but with the help of alot of cardio and strength workouts iam hoping i will be at good odds. I have very good past experience with keeping to cardio and strength training for a faster recovery and the effects it have on depression is amazing. Specially running, last time i detoxed i was running like hell and often experienced a good runners high. My day could often start in the basement withdrawal and depression wise, but after the staff took us to the gym 3 days a week i always experienced an almost pain free period the rest if the day after the gym session those 3 days of each week. Not easy at all to actually push yourself to do it but iam hoping just remembering my past experiences will keep me motivated. Just hope i get a gd enough of time at the center and not just a 14 days rushed detox. 3 weeks can do but most optimal would be 1 month. Then after i will either continue to rehab or be going into a stay at home day program participating in groups each day of the week for 12 weeks while i go back to work. Time will tell.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

Man srop the CT thing and taper as slow as possle.
find somthing that is more important than you and it (the proecess of the struggle) freedom/may be more efficient.
peace

 

[emkee_reinvented]

So now iam hooked on H again, but the lesson is that alcohol is ly real demon.

It is that is what my own experience learned me.

Even epileptic insults can't stave that away. meaning despite an insult Alcohol feels like a reasonable option to my brain?

The fact that after a year, then epileptic seizure's are not treated well by the medical field doesn't help.

But controlling my own behavior is atm my only option. Dr's won't help as they will label the ethanol as culprit. it isn't the whole picture, but it def plas a role. The one I can control, but am not able to. Which I blame on living the wrong life and lack of sleep.

But stopping is hard i'll admit again and again. It envolves endurance and pervasive working on your habit. I'll do the Heroin after the Alcohol issue is solved rather then the other way. No exp with it though.

 

[Kennethjalla83]

Man srop the CT thing and taper as slow as possle.
find somthing that is more important than you and it (the proecess of the struggle) freedom/may be more efficient.
peace

Yes the CT'ing is scrapped, its all about slow tapering and maintaining now intil i get into treatment

 

[dragonix]

Same. The world is full of addicts though. Addicted to all kinds of stuff. Some hurts more than others.

 

[yubacity]

There is no need to go cold turkey so many drugs that help wd loperamide and pregabalin will make wd mucy more bearable

 

[emkee_reinvented]

There is no need to go cold turkey so many drugs that help wd loperamide and pregabalin will make wd mucy more bearable

Add Kratom to that list.

Kratom is a perfect substitute for Alcohol. Not so much a tapering agent as itworks like an Opiod. But if you taper Alcohol and switch to it. It is way better living on it. As it doesn't influence one's live and body as much as Ethanol would.

 

[f1mula0ne]

Naltrexone works pretty well for alcohol dependency. From my understanding. Hang in there dude, things will and do get better.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Naltrexone works pretty well for alcohol dependency. From my understanding. Hang in there dude, things will and do get better.

Yes naltrexone is one option, it is definitely worth trying. Acamprosate is another good medication to combat alcohol cravings. Disulfuram (Antabuse) is another one, but it's only to be used if you are absolutely positively committed to abstaining from alcohol. If you drink while you're on Antabuse it is a WORLD OF PAIN. I know from experience.

 

[emkee_reinvented]

wonder if the above two would prefer their treatement's above Kratom.

To me Antibuse and Naltrexone seem like less wantend option's compared to tapering and switchting to Kratom.

Both two med's have significant side effect's which will influence your life.

they are def better then Alcohol, but Kratom seems like a good midway, and Acamprosate. Too bad Kava Kava is illegal over here, but on paper it also seems like a candidate to use as substitute when you have quitte'd Ehanol (the combinantion seems lethal to the liver so be aware).

Just basing myself on report's that seem to indicate a mayor influence on once well being Naloxone and Antibuse could have.

 

[n3ophy7e]

wonder if the above two would prefer their treatement's above Kratom.

To me Antibuse and Naltrexone seem like less wantend option's compared to tapering and switchting to Kratom.

Both two med's have significant side effect's which will influence your life.

they are def better then Alcohol, but Kratom seems like a good midway, and Acamprosate. Too bad Kava Kava is illegal over here, but on paper it also seems like a candidate to use as substitute when you have quitte'd Ehanol (the combinantion seems lethal to the liver so be aware).

Just basing myself on report's that seem to indicate a mayor influence on once well being Naloxone and Antibuse could have.

You make some good points there. However personally, Antabuse (disulfuram) is the one anti-drinking medication that actually works for me, and I have tried them all. I don't even take Antabuse every day any more, I take HALF a tablet once a WEEK, and that provides the one last barrier for me between thinking about drinking, having a craving, and then actually drinking. Just knowing that I cannot drink because I will be sick and feel like utter shit because of the Antabuse actually stops my cravings altogether. For me it has a strong psychological effect.

 

[Kennethjalla83]

There is no need to go cold turkey so many drugs that help wd loperamide and pregabalin will make wd mucy more bearable

Pregabalin helps alot i always used it to help opiod WD before, intil i became addicted to it aswell and got it from my doctor for 6 years, ended up in a mixed lyrica, benzo and buprenorphine addiction. The most constipated years of my life So iam carefull with the Pregs now but recently bought 7 300mgs to help me true withdrawal, but what happened is the pregabalin hit me so hard after so many years without it and made me feeling so extremely heavy in my body and mind, almost passing out everytime i got up from the sofa i couldnt stand it and ended up in a relapse to escape the pregabalin daze i was feeling trapped in. The H and preg mix though mmm that was a good feeling. I realize i just dosed to high so i have 1 300mg cap saved up for later that i can just open and divide into 2 doses. 300 is ok but when i redosed 300 the day after iss when it became to much for me. That shits heavy, i cant understand how i was on 600++ mgs for several years. Anyways yes its amazing for withdrawal and slows the belly too, not always taking away the tingling in the feets tough, but just gotta get up and walk it off.