Facing Your Parents' Mortality

[junctionalfunkie]

I understand that I am among the older regular BLers (I just turned 39), so this is not likely to be a common issue here (yet).

I was the first-born child, and my parents were married for 7 years before they had me. As a result, my father is now 72 and my mother 69. My mom is in great shape; she'll probably outlive me, considering all the poison I've put in my body over the years.

In any case, my father told me last week that he didn't expect to live much longer. I am soon leaving the country for at least two years, so when I step on that plane, there is a very good likelihood that this will be 'goodbye' between us, at least in this world.

In addition, my father has mentally deteriorated rather rapidly over the past year or so. I'm pretty sure he has Alzheimer's... but he refuses to go to a doctor about this (or anything else, for that matter).

The point is, even if I return in 2 years and my father is still alive, he will likely be a vegetable.

Despite my relatives' and friends' (by best friend is a Physician, BTW) assurances that I am not "abandoning" my father, I am plagued with the idea that I am and the resulting guilt.

I have slipped back into using tranquilizers (Xanax) and smoking cannabis and tobacco (yuck) daily, after a couple months clean of everything.

I believe that abject terror is the primary emotion, rather than guilt. My mother is has remarried and is well taken care of, spending half the year in Europe and half in the States. My younger brother and I have never been close. More than any guilt (and there is plenty of that), I think I'm just scared out of mind that I'm going to suddenly be "at the helm," so to speak.

So, what do you think? Am I abandoning the man that raised me, or must I put my own life first and foremost, and this is natural filial guilt?

I made peace with my own mortality long, long ago; in childhood, really. One's parents' mortality is an entirely different matter,

 

[Help me please]

Does your father appear to be obviously ill? Are you sure it's Alzheimer's and not just depression or something? See about going to the doctor with him before you leave. If you are the first born then you have siblings? Are they in your father's life? I'm sure they can contact you should something happen.

Any chance your father is trying to get you to stay here? Don't fall back into bad habits over this. You don't say why you are going to leave the country. Is it military related? Is is set in stone that you go?

 

[junctionalfunkie]

No, he does not appear obviously physically ill. He is a mental mess, though. He often forgets things we discussed 5 minutes earlier. He used to love watching movies, but over the past month or so, that has become impossible, as he can't follow the plot of the simplest film for more than a few minutes at a time.

Yes, I'm positive he doesn't want me to leave. To be blunt, my father has been more-or-less an asshole to anyone who had the misfortune to cross his path his whole life. As a result, he is all alone. There is no one else but me.

Whether he is exaggerating his symptoms in an effort to manipulate my emotions and get me to stay, I doubt it, though the thought has crossed my mind more than once. As someone who was a junkie for the better part of a decade, I like to think I have a pretty good bullshit-detector. I think his dementia is legitimate.

 

[Help me please]

So you are his only person then? BTW, I am 52 and my father died when I was 35. Mother still alive and well but we don't get along at all. She has my brother and my adult children at her beck and call though. Years ago I told her if she left things up to me, I'd toss her ass in the nursing home first chance I got. She has it coming really.

72 is not really old. Is he physically healthy? If you are all he has you need to figure something out just in case. In my case I know that my kids will deal with things. My brother still lives with her so he can see if she gets sick. I'm not saying you should not go but you do need to figure out who can deal with your dad. Can he go into an assisted living type home? Who will take care of his finances should he be unable to? Are you willing to let the state appoint someone? Does he own his home? You might want to talk to an attorney!

 

[junctionalfunkie]

He has sisters in NY state (we're in Minnesota). They are not the closest, but have become closer in recent years. The older (my lifelong favorite aunt) is actually a social worker, a drug counselor to be specific, which has been quite helpful.

I'm not literally all he has..... I'm just the only person stupid enough to hang around and take his (verbal) abuse, basically.

I gave him an ultimatum last week that he seek psychological therapy, and provide the paperwork to prove it, or he would never see or hear from me again. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

 

[Jackal]

I'm 26 and my dad is 79, my mum three years his junior. I have lived in a different country to them for six years, so the same subject plays on my mind.

I am lucky in that in that I have seven older siblings in the country, who can help out,if needed.

That said, they both act and look like people 15-20 years younger.

Get your dad to see a doctor, or get the mom to get him to. It coul;d help immensly.

 

[junctionalfunkie]

Yeah, that's what everyone from my mother herself (who lives in Germany) to my childhood friend the MD says..... "get him to a doctor/shrink."

He has Type 2 Diabetes, as well, BTW.

I guess that's what I have to do. Thanks for the replies so far.

 

[Help me please]

By chance are you going to Germany for the next few years? Maybe your father is jealous if that's the case and you are going to be near your mother instead of him. Is his diabetes under control? I take insulin but lots of T2's do as well. Changes in blood glucose can cause dementia-like symptoms especially if left untreated. I did read recently that diabetics are more prone to dementia as well but both sides of my family has diabetes and no one ever had Alzheimer's or dementia.

Bottom line is your father needs to see a doctor to get evaluated. Sisters a few states and several large lakes away won't be of much help in an emergency. You really need to set him up with help before you go. I know it's more than you may want to do but the flip side is the guilt you will deal with if anything dose happen. In my case, I know my kids and brother will take care of my mother. I'm pretty sure I have had enough torture in my life to have to be forced to deal with her too!

 

[junctionalfunkie]

My parents have been separated since 1984; I doubt jealousy is an issue, especially as Thailand is not exactly right around the corner from Germany.

But you are right in all else.... I need either to get him some help or at least do everything possible to try.

Keep in mind, this is an adult, undiagnosed with anything that makes him a threat to himself or anyone else (yet). I have been in situations before when I have tried to have a person committed against her will to an institution; it's not as simple as it is on TV, to put it mildly.

If he remains recalcitrant, I will have no recourse but emotional blackmail, a concept he is probably rather unfamiliar with being on the receiving end of. (Sorry for that dangling preposition. And I'm about to go teach English overseas. Jesus.)

Advice taken, thanks. I'll begin by attempting reason and rationality before resorting to more nefarious methods.

(No plans to go to Germany in the next 5 years, per se, but I've rarely lived my life with more than the next 5 minutes planned. )

 

[coelophysis]

Be there for him and with him. Because one day he'll be gone and you'll wish you had those moments to spend with him. Despite his attitude towards people and whatnot, he is who he is, your father. We are supposed to learn lots of things from them. As fathers get older the time runs low for the chances to ask him those few questions you may regret never asking him, or those conversations you didn't get to have with him one last time.
I'm 24 & my father just died last month at 51. Unexpectedly, totally by surprise. So trust this has left me feeling with some oddities in my everyday living since. Nothing TOO unmanageable though. I wasn't best friends with him nor was he my favorite person in the entire world. But once they're gone they're gone, and it's a big piece of you that goes with it(how you got here, your early years, your upbringing, information on your heritage.)
Don't pass up on time to spend with him. Maybe you've come to ease with your own mortality, but are you certain of how you feel towards his? I just say this because despite of the relationship you have with him, you will miss him when he's gone.

 

[Help me please]

Thailand changes things then. Can't be upset you would be going to your mother then. Do what you can before you go. If your father isn't obviously in trouble then he is well enough to call 911 if need be. Just make sure you are emotionally ready for anything that could happen. We all could die tomorrow from a freak accident but I mean other things...you know.

Thailand sounds very cool.

 

[Bojangles69]

I understand that I am among the older regular BLers (I just turned 39), so this is not likely to be a common issue here (yet).

I was the first-born child, and my parents were married for 7 years before they had me. As a result, my father is now 72 and my mother 69. My mom is in great shape; she'll probably outlive me, considering all the poison I've put in my body over the years.

In any case, my father told me last week that he didn't expect to live much longer. I am soon leaving the country for at least two years, so when I step on that plane, there is a very good likelihood that this will be 'goodbye' between us, at least in this world.

In addition, my father has mentally deteriorated rather rapidly over the past year or so. I'm pretty sure he has Alzheimer's... but he refuses to go to a doctor about this (or anything else, for that matter).

The point is, even if I return in 2 years and my father is still alive, he will likely be a vegetable.

Despite my relatives' and friends' (by best friend is a Physician, BTW) assurances that I am not "abandoning" my father, I am plagued with the idea that I am and the resulting guilt.

I have slipped back into using tranquilizers (Xanax) and smoking cannabis and tobacco (yuck) daily, after a couple months clean of everything.

I believe that abject terror is the primary emotion, rather than guilt. My mother is has remarried and is well taken care of, spending half the year in Europe and half in the States. My younger brother and I have never been close. More than any guilt (and there is plenty of that), I think I'm just scared out of mind that I'm going to suddenly be "at the helm," so to speak.

So, what do you think? Am I abandoning the man that raised me, or must I put my own life first and foremost, and this is natural filial guilt?

I made peace with my own mortality long, long ago; in childhood, really. One's parents' mortality is an entirely different matter,

Thats a VERY HARD situation I'll be honest. And as much as I try to cheer people up here you might not like everything I have to say.

I'm 28 and my mom is 69 my dad is 67.

My dad is severely overweight, suffers from diabetes, has pains all over his body from joint problems/obesity, and had a stint put in his heart 6 years ago for a 98% blockage in his arteries.

He can't golf anymore, he can't really do much of anything although his mind is still perfectly in tact. But I does seem lately I think about him and my mom dying almost every day now. And it bothers me so much like I'm just sitting around waiting for it to happen.
And the sad part is it makes it hard to enjoy my time with them, because I'm always fearing their mortality. Like I can't enjoy them being alive because I keep thinking about how I'm gonna be able to handle their deaths, and once their gone I will have wasted so many years of their life worrying about them dying.
Its really a bad thing to be doing to myself.

Now as far as your situation I'm sorry but I personally couldn't leave the country with a father in that condition. I come from an italian family and I will be there as much as I can for the last few years/months of my parents lives. I'll be there in the hospital room holding their hand as long as I need to (unless they go quick of course).

Are you abandoning your dad?
I hate to say this but it seems like you've already answered that with your drug abuse. I think deep down you DO genuinely feel that way and all that matters is how YOU feel.
Thats why I think in a way you are abandoning him. I mean you have 1 dad, can't you leave the country in another few years? I HATE saying all this stuff I do but I think deep down you're genuinely bothered by it, and like I said it bothers you because in a way you are kind of abandoning him.

I just don't see any way I can possibly sugar coat this for you. But then again there are other things to consider.
Is this trip life or death? Will you be living on the streets homeless w/out this trip? Will you go to jail if you don't leave the country? WHY are you leaving the country I never saw it mentioned?

If you're doing it just to go see the world, then I have to say you ARE abandoning him. If its out of your control, then its not your choice, and not exactly abandoning imo. I'd definitely have to say it kinda depends on that.

Maybe its different because I'm italian. I'm 28 and still go to my parents house at least once a day it seems just to visit. Our whole family has always been close like that. So theres no way I could ever leave one of them knowing it might be the last time I saw them.
I'm sorry but I'm just being honest. I hope you somehow find the strength to get through this and not feel too much regret. G/luck!

 

[junctionalfunkie]

Yeah, the thing is, if I change my (long-term) plans to go overseas because he "feels like he won't live that much longer," aren't I just hanging around here waiting for him to die? For all I know, the crazy old bastard could live another 20 years; I'm surprised he's lived THIS long, to be frank.

And then where would I be? I've wasted enough years.... this is something I've been planning for about 8 years, but have always had some relationship or job or addiction (some excuse, it's been pointed out to me) not to go. But now I'm going. I have paid my plane ticket, and tuition for my certification course. I have a 5-year plan laid out for the first time in my life, and everyone I know (even my father, deep down), is so proud and happy that I am finally doing this.
I have two college degrees and 5 years experience teaching English..... and the wreckage of the US economy I cannot find work as a bartender.

If I have to leave at he's at Death's Door... well, that's motherfucking bad timing.

I don't mean to sound callous, but you don't know how impossible this man is. True, he had an extraordinarily fucked-up childhood, dragged himself out of the gutter to become one of the top corporate attorneys in the country, but what's it all for if you pissed off everyone in your life to the point that you die alone? My brother is headed down the same path.

Sorry, there's just so much more to the story than it would take me a moth to type. Make no mistake, I wanted for nothing as a child, except emotional contact with my father. Now that he has nothing left, it seems he wants what he was never able to give......

And his shortness of temper is what really does it..... his mood swings come out of nowhere and are very hurtful, especially when I'm trying so hard to make things easy on him...

Part of me wants to say to him "If you believe in reincarnation, how about not being such an asshole in the next life?"

 

[junctionalfunkie]

Bojangles, I just read your post.

I understand where you're coming from. I happen to be half Italian, too (although what that has to do with anything is beyond me).

Were the situations reversed, I think I can honestly say I would say to the other, "Go. Live your life. Learn from your mistakes, and mine, and others'. Don't languish here watching me die. Your own clock is ticking. Go."

Then again, I hope the world will have evolved to legalize voluntary euthanasia by then. One can dream.

 

[voxmystic]

i can certainly sympathize with your mixed emotions. we're the same age, although my folks are just now in their early 60's, but both of them have been morbidly obese since i can remember, with all the crappy health issues that follow. we don't see eye to eye on a lot of stuff, but i still gotta love 'em.

thing is, i haven't seen them since 1995. mainly because they live in the midwest, and i moved up to alaska. i've never been able to afford the time and travel expenses to go back. and, even though i do love them, i'd be uncomfortable in their home. my last years with them were pretty turbulent, and the idea of being back under their roof is not exactly savory. they won't visit me because they can't fit in airplane seats, and my lifestyle requires more physical exertion than they feel capable of putting forth. they have one granddaughter they haven't seen for 15 years, and another they've never met. it' really sad.

the idea that i may never see them again is not a happy one, but i'm resigned to it now. i'm an only child, too, so there aren't any other kids to care for them. we have a relationship of sorts, phone and mail and such, but it's not the same.

my feelings about it are just a big jumbled mess.
i hate knowing i'm disappointing them yet again, or letting them down after they raised me. on the other hand, if i moved back down south to be closer to them, i'd be simply miserable down in that mess, knowing full well what i was missing. and the idea of raising my child down there just makes me shudder. i suppose i should at least prioritize a visit, though. maybe we could meet in the middle. the oregon coast or something. i don't know. i just wish i didn't feel so guilty about it.

so, what i think about your situation is, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. you'll feel guilty if you go and he dies, resentful if you stay and he doesn't. not a very good answer, but it's all i got :/

 

[junctionalfunkie]

^ As good as any so far!

There is no "correct" answer. He knows I love him; I know he loves me more than anything. We've had very cathartic and honest discussions over the past week or so. I didn't have an ideal upbringing, but who does. Mine was a hell of a lot better than his.

Someone above mentioned a correlation between lack of glucose monitoring and dementia-like symptoms. I will investigate further.

My dad has the body of a motherfuckin' robot. I apparently inherited his tolerance for uninhibited chemical abuse of the corpus. It's the psyche that worries me.

 

[Bojangles69]

Bojangles, I just read your post.

I understand where you're coming from. I happen to be half Italian, too (although what that has to do with anything is beyond me).

Were the situations reversed, I think I can honestly say I would say to the other, "Go. Live your life. Learn from your mistakes, and mine, and others'. Don't languish here watching me die. Your own clock is ticking. Go."

Then again, I hope the world will have evolved to legalize voluntary euthanasia by then. One can dream.

Yeh I completely understand where you're coming from. In all honesty I can see my dad saying something like that to me, its just that "living" for me is so much a part of being with my parents. So if my dad told me to "go live my life" I'd tell him I was living it being with him. I just couldn't see myself happy far away from him knowing his days were withering away.
Id picture myself after my dads death and how I would feel about the situation. I don't think that I personally could deal with the regret. And by "regret" I'm not trying to imply the decision is innately wrong, because its such a personal and relative situation. What I mean by regret is *I* simply wouldn't have the *strength to not feel it, I just know the type of person I am.

If you are strong willed and believe in yourself, and believe its the right decision, then you prob have the power to follow through with it and not beat yourself up down the road. Its definitely a virtue worth having. I just can't say its something I'd be able to do. But like I said I wish you the best either way, its a hard thing to do, and realistically neither one of us really knows till that day comes.
take care!

 

[junctionalfunkie]

Thanks for being able to see my side. If this were an easy matter, I guess I wouldn't have started a thread about it!

I am leaving. That is certain. I will do everything in my power to both comfort my father and plan for his future, however long it may be, before I leave.

Laika: I can't even begin to address your post right now. I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[Help me please]

Since your father was a successful attorney I assume he has the means to hire someone like a home health care aide if need be. He should be ok but make sure he sees a doctor before you go. I have T1 diabetes which is different than your father. I think mine is easier to handle really or maybe it's just second nature after all these years.

So I suppose if you tie up loose ends so to speak then you really can avoid with guilt anyway. You know what I mean I'm dealing with my own family demons and side with you to a certain extent. My mother is 100% healthy though and no sign of slowing down. The women in my family live till late 80's on average. Go figure. Enjoy Thailand.

 

[junctionalfunkie]

I will enjoy Thailand, I hope. Thanks. I'll still be on Bluelight regularly.

The financial thing with my father is a conundrum. He's had IRS trouble more than once (in the 80s, my father was responsible for a fairly large airline merger. The stocks he reaped personally (initially put in trust in mine & my brother's names) would be worth hundreds of millions USD today. Seized by the government in the 80s.), I believe recently, as well.

There may be $500,000 stashed in cash somewhere in his house; I could inherit debt. I have absolutely no idea. We have agreed that a priority is figuring out where his money is going, as he seems to have a decent (at least $80,000/annum) income. His mind is just gone, is the problem.