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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Eye contact

ty for feedback - I actually have the problem with dudes - with women I have no probs. I think it goes back a long way for me , confidence isn't a big prob for me , but I can see this is an area that obviously I have let slide and now I do tend to both over think it and allow it to bother me.

@IAMWHY - ty for the advice :).

As I continue w new therapy I'll bring this up and see if it's an area that can be pinpointed. I do know when I was abused I was TOLD by the guy to look at him whenever he told me something specific (not to say anything about what was happening) - I'd be shocked if it isn't a main underlying reason.
 
Yeah I would venture a guess and say that it is probably related.

My approach would be to look at someone's eyes when you know you don't want to, enough times to associate feeling OK/safe to looking in a guy's eyes.

It would be a similar approach to treating someone with a phobia.

I hope that is useful. :)
 
dropthatpickle said:
I think you may be able to pick up and practice nonverbal cues from those you think are good communicators. Making good eye-contact is +/- dependent on their eye contact. Most people avoid eye-contact that lingers. I'd say, glance at her and look away (avoid looking shifty!) focus on various spaces in the vicinity, like off to the side and just above her head - you want to appear attentive but not overtly giving her the once over. With each glance, check to see if she responds in kind. Try to mimic her eye contact. It might end up being a fun sort of facial expression dance. And, under no circumstance should your gaze drop below the neck. Nobody wants to feel like a chop on display. Ever. Much luck!
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I try to do that but then I always feel like I look suspicious or something.
 
I think a lot less people notice that than the person doing it tends to think. People do judge you a bit from your habitus but you probably also use that to your advantage in other ways.


I very rarely maintain eye contact, I'll establish it repeatedly but for me maintaining it takes a lot away from being able to think beyond the present moment during a conversation. Especially with someone who makes me nervous. It's like their expressions and body language trigger unwanted thoughts in my head. I look down or to the side and can literally feel being able to think better.

Of course there are situations where it's needed and comes more naturally. Women are great at calming a man's mind if they want to. =)
 
Worst part is when you run into someone else who doesn't do the eye contact gig - I was doing some business and this fucking dude seriously like would whip his head to the side when I looked and attempted to make decent eye contact lolol.

I cannot imagine it much worse than playing eye-tag "oooh whose gonna look next" - shit makes me fucking loony tunes just thinking about arrgggghhh stupid fucking brain.
 
theartofwar said:
Worst part is when you run into someone else who doesn't do the eye contact gig - I was doing some business and this fucking dude seriously like would whip his head to the side when I looked and attempted to make decent eye contact lolol.

I cannot imagine it much worse than playing eye-tag "oooh whose gonna look next" - shit makes me fucking loony tunes just thinking about arrgggghhh stupid fucking brain.
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Maybe you just need a pair of sunglasses. This way people will assume you are making eye contact. %)
 
Yes eye contact far harder when I first got clean... got easier...

The worst was when I was in my lsd/weed/etc stage.. Catch eye contact with someone---intense paranoia... horrible feelings..Even with animals!! When you have an awkward moment with a cat, you know something is not right!

It gets easier I promise

:)
 
admittedly, i wear sun glasses a lot - but they are matched w hats / shoes (yes I'm that dude lol) so it's not bout eye contact. And i STILL Look to the side with them on - it is that feeling sensing them literally seein right into me and fucking with my head , again I know this is due to the trauma I endured, but it is causing me probs now so I need to work harder. Last night got real ugly at last call all over fuckin eye contact - people w there liquid courage.
 
I've been told by my boss to maintain eye contact cause I looked suspicious when I didn't.
So I make fleeting eye contact, but I hate making eye contact in general, honestly. I don't want people to have a split second to figure out anything about me.
 
<irrelevent to OP>I've had people actually tell me that they couldn't figure me out, I took it as a compliment
 
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i think iv had a problem with eye contact for as long as i can remember. even with very close people. it almost feels as if they are looking into my soul lol
 
I've had a problem with it myself, it is much much better know. Its hard, but you just have to keep trying to do it. I still have issues with it myself, but even forcing yourself to do it once and while helps. Very few people like prolonged eye contact, its better to just glance and then look away.

For me its much easier to make eye contact with friends and family, but like I said, I have gotten much better with practice and increased confidence.

I know what you are saying about the opiates, it makes it easier. However, as you know, the problems associated with opiates far outweigh the benefits.
 
Depends..... friends and family I almost never make eye-contact with..... and that's usual because I'm multitasking.
But with strangers, its a different story. It's a habit I picked up in the military.... because otherwise you won't pick up on strangers' intentions and attitude before they get close, and eye contact makes for a far more effective command presence.
 
From a young age I've associated eye contact as threatening... You know when people are like "what are you looking at?" often in a more aggressive manner....and in the street etc.

From my observations people in the town and unsocial environments like supermarkets etc don't make direct eye contact, if someone kept looking at me I'd wonder why however I'd also have to be looking at them to know they're looking at me!

In a one to one setting I'll look people in the eye but after extended periods of time not relating/interacting to the person (i.e being bored/uninterested) it feels like I'm purposely making an effort to keep eye contact and begin to notice features on their face and wonder what there thinking of me also! I tend to get distracted in situations and look around at other things because looking at someones face for an hour is kinda boring for me...probably adhd type stuff.

Also when your feeling rough/tired and have a meeting etc you just wanna avoid any eye contact. I read if you don't like looking people directly in the eye then to look at the middle of there nose and they won't notice.

I like occasionally looking at people and looking at other stuff, if you was walking with someone alomg the beach you wouldn't stare at them 24/7 but walk and talk admiring the views whilst talking and occasionally glancing in approval etc.

Meh its so variable.


If someones tooo close, in what i consider my personal space, then i will get quite shifty, I like my own space, if someones invading it or I consider them to be too close up in my face then eye contact is hard, Exemptions are lovers of course. Studying lots of martial arts and having confrontations with people builds this "personal space" more so.
 
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To some simple direct eye contact is threatening, and I've been told on a few times by ppl that I make them uncomfortable simply by looking at them...... especially if I'm angry or upset. I dunno what it is, but for some reason, when I'm like that, ppl shrink or shy away from me just by my glare. its something I inherited from my dad..... he never had to yell or be physical; if hes mad, we all know it..... just the look in his eyes makes yeh feel like shrivelling up into a corner and vanishing.
 
I'm amazed at how many people deal with this and how many differing views on it their arel Good info guysl
 
I've had many people tell me off for not looking them in the eyes.

I basically grew up staring at the godamn ground. It makes me sad to think how many hours I have missed out on the beauty of the world by being too nervous to even pop my head up as it is my god-given right to embrace all my surroundings, regardless of shitty anxious feelings.

Slowly but surely, I am in the process of getting over it. But the instant I look someone in the eye I last about 2/3 seconds max before a wave of overwhelming anxiety overcomes me and I shoot to the ground.

A new colleague started in work the other day who is just as bad as me at eye contact and I was feeling confident so gave her eye contact pretty much 100% of the conversation. I actually realised jst how much WORSE it looks when somebody DOESN'T give you eye contact. I had never really realised how rude it comes across.
I know she was listening to me, but I felt like she couldn't care less simply due to her lack of eye contact. I know this wasn't true though and she was interested in what I was saying, just very very nervous. Definitely made me think.

Just remember this:
The other person in your conversation most likely thinks more about your lack of eye contact than giving too much.
99% of the time, the recipient in your conversation would actually think about the contact if you were darting al over the place or not looking at them at all. However, if you give good solid eye contact, then they won't actually think ANYTHING other than what's being discussed.


I definitely believe practice makes perfect and you have to jst keep on keeping on....try and last a second more each day and before you know it you will be killing goats for a living.
 
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