Extreme Depression

[ForEverAfter]

Feeling extremely depressed today. Years ago, I used to think I was depressed - but I was just sad. Then I experienced actual clinical depression. Now, it has mutated into a living hell. Feels like I'm on a drug. It constantly flows through me, in waves. I can hardly move. I don't want to exist. Every second is painful. This, writing this, is extremely painful. I don't see the point in writing this. I was going to call a 24 hour depression help line. But what's the point. There is nothing anybody can say. I think I might be bipolar. But, then, I don't believe in psychiatric illnesses. So I think I might be (what the psychiatric world refers to as) bipolar. I don't know. My mood fluctuates between heaven and hell. Sometimes everything in the world makes sense to me, and I am blissfully happy - laughing out loud for no reason. Other times, like this, I feel like sinking into myself - like a turtle into it's shell - and wallowing. I invite the depression. I make no effort to save myself from it. Because depression is appropriate. I will not commit suicide, so I have been killing myself in other ways. My life is totally fucked. And it's just going to get worse. Everything is painful. Every breath I take. Every drink I consume. Every conversation I overhear. When I'm up, I see the beauty in everything. When I'm down, everything is fucked. I suspect that these are both delusional states. I should be in the middle. Everything is not beautiful. And everything is not fucked. Everything just is. But I never get to the middle. Not without drugs. I don't even think I should post this, now. I want to delete it. Because what's the point. What's the fucking point of anything. I think I'm going insane. I keep wondering if everyone is insane, secretly. My thought patterns are chaotic. What goes on inside my head is a diseased circus. I have totally fucked up thoughts. On the outside, I am seemingly normal. On the inside, I am a lunatic. I tell myself that everyone is like this. That everyone is highly neurotic. But I don't really believe myself. I have (what the psychiatric world refers to as) psychotic delusions. I don't want to say what they are. Not because I don't believe them. I do believe them. I don't want to say what they are, because people aren't open minded enough to consider them anything but "psychotic delusions". I believe madness is a stepping stone towards the truth. It has to be. What we, as a society, call "sane" simply coincides with our current social norms. The term sociopath refers to someone who "has values that do not coincide with society". Since society is not enlightened, the enlightened must be sociopaths - by definition. So if I am crazy, I've already decided that it's okay. My psychotic delusions are not delusions. They are the truth, that nobody else can see. I need to get drunk now. I need to smother these feelings, until I forget. This depression is too much. It's the worst it's ever been. I keep getting to (what I think is) a "rock bottom" point, and then I keep descending. I've said it to myself before, and I'll say it again. I don't believe there is a state of depression lower than this. I can't imagine it. I don't understand how I could be lower, at this point. How things could possibly get worse. Yet, I suspect they will. Because they always do. They get worse, and they get better. I am travelling away from that happy medium in both directions. Although I will not kill myself, I want to die.

 

[Missykins]

I know exactly how you are feeling, having been there myself on more than one occasion. All I can say is this: lithium. It won't address the existential crisis you are in, but it will take you back from the edge, quiet your mind and give you some objectivity.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

You need someone to talk to who will listen to these true feelings.

Society is very enlightened in my opinion in several ways. Do you live in a place where starvation proliferates? Is there a doctor in walking/driving distance of you? Now for the big one: do you have your own room? This is very rare, even in the world today. I would bet you live in a very compassionate, enlightened sector of society.

You might want to think about breaking that into several paragraphs to make it easier to read.

If you are psychotic or are experiencing psychotic symptoms, alcohol is not good for you. It will exacerbate them a lot.

Are you taking any other drugs?

Going to a psychiatrist does not automatically make you a lackey for the corporate-western-labeling industry. You have total control what you put into your body, and what you don't.

Edit: Lithium is an extremely safe medicine which fosters growth within the brain and keeps you GABA levels steady. It works well for depression and bipolar. That said, we don't diagnose illnesses here.

 

[herbavore]

I think that there are many of us that feel, and see, the extremes in life. We live in a beige culture that tamps down passions, at least the expression of passion. There is enough beauty around anytime and anywhere to blind us if we choose to see it and enough hideousness as well. It isn't crazy to see it. It's there, always. What feels "crazy" is to be jerked back and forth between these extreme visions so fast and hard that you cannot find your footing, cannot catch your breath. For me, reconciling my ecstatic joy and my complete despair has been a long process. I'm not sure how old you are but I suspect that you are probably in your early to mid twenties? IME this was one of the roughest times of life. There are so many forces coming at you at once: the demands to conform as an adult, the demands of your own psyche needing to not conform, the demands of finding a life and livelihood that allows you not to conform in soul-killing ways. Add to that the constant stream of fear and anger from a culture imploding and the only sane response is a sort of insanity. But you can't get caught up in romanticizing insanity or self-destruction either--that's a whole new trap.

I think every single person blessed with eyes that won't shut, a mind that truly sees and asks questions and a heart that has no protective sheath around it is bound to be buffeted by the extremes. Whether you apply a label to that or not, the truth is you either learn to self-regulate or you self-destruct. Self-regulating is very different from anesthetizing or numbing. When I learned to accept the depression I was feeling as a temporary state that would pass, to not apply a fatalistic view to it (everything is fucked and it always will be), was when I began to find a way to achieve that middle ground. It is a matter of developing a second voice in your head to moderate with colors the one that sees in black and white.

 

[sconnie420]

i had a whole damn page written and it was deleted damn, so here goes ill try and remember what i said...

sweetie,
you are not alone with your feelings, trust me.. I go through the same thing you do. i actually just had an apt w/ a shrink earlier in the week( 1st time in years)..she actually thought i may be schizophrenic( im not, but crazy does run in my family), but i do have a sever mental problem, which is yet to be discovered what it is..no i dont see pink elephants or hear voices in my head.
it seems to me that whenever im in the manic state(which im GUESSING u r) , nothing is ever going to get better and i would be better off dead. Hell i was there last week, I had my suicide all planed out and ready 4 action, but i knew i had my apt so i just dealt w/ it by self medicating, which i do a shit ton...its like when im that down nothing any1 can say or do helps drag me out of my misery, not that i have any1 to really help me, but there is a couple people here who have listened to my pity party and been there for me(spork, darling, i the shit out of u)..4evr, im not to good w/ words but just know you are not alone, and if you like ff to pm me or add me if you like.. we're in the same place friend, and you can unload (in confidence) to me if you like, i know i can always use another friend to unload to bc the bler's are all i have in the way of ranting my feelings out. btw, hun, we're not all close minded... chin up friend, you're not alone.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

if your self medicating and your still in hell all the time your doing something wrong. So IMO why don't you give the doctors a chance to medicate you they may do a better job of it.

 

[sconnie420]

I will when they start me on meds..I've only had 1 apt...but that's just me.