I was feeling very low. I was at my therapist's office earlier and had a good sessions. Sadly, when I am using I tend to block out several very difficult experiences I had as a child. This was kinda screwing with me all day. I felt trapped in my apartment, angry I had slacked on putting my clothes away. Just not good. Was I thinking about using? No. But I was heading towards the state in where I start to consider it. I was in danger and I knew it. I started to panic, but something told me to take action and get out and just take a walk. I tried to force myself not to, "go put away your clothes first, go to this website, turn on the TV". I had to muster lots of strength to say no and just head out.
Before I left I did text my sponsor with how I was feeling and asked him if he could call when he was done with work. I still felt that I had to “get out” immediately. Grabbed my Basic Text and walked to a nearby park. Sat down by a tree and started to read the third step. Immediately, started to feel better. I decided to say the third step pray and felt really damn good. Glowing even. I then felt compelled to lay down and asked my self several questions and really examined if I believed the first three. Not just examined but felt. Each questions was a “Yes”. Was I powerless Yes. Was my life unmanageable? Yes, I could not use successfully, treatment centers managed my life, my mother and parents managed my life. Did I believe in a power greater then myself? Yes. Was I insane? In some ways yes very much so. Was I willing to turn my life over to Higher power as I understood it? Yes, what have I got to lose.
I then felt very good and decided to just lay in the sun and close my eyes. As soon as I did, the wind started blowing. I laughed and said, “Maybe its turning to a page I should read”. BAM! First page of How It Works. I read the first three and then once again closed my eyes and started to feel very good and secure. I started to get a bit egotistical. I opened my eyes and noticed that a tree I had been focusing on had a pile of dried dog poop. I started laughing hard. I get the joke! Or at least it was funny to me. “Don’t get too cocky” is what I told myself. I then said, as soon as you get home write about this.
I then realized I had missed my sponsor who returned my call as promised. I sent him a note letting him know I was okay and felt ready to start my 4th. I then tried to re-read the first three steps again. But instead I decided to just bask in the warmth of the sun and watch the birds on the water. I just felt at peace.
Anyways, I have no idea what the hell just happened but my day just totally flipped around. I am checking out a new meeting tonight.
So grateful to be clean today. Wouldn't have it any other way.
))). I do think that nature heals. I don't think you have to rewrite anything. It's a beautiful description of a powerful moment.