Missykins
Bluelighter
Absolutely my mental illness has led to breaks in my employment, which has led to uncertainty and insecurity. I feel the same way, I would NEVER judge someone the same way way I judge myself, which is absolutely ridiculous.
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Experiences in a psychiatric hospital
- Thread starter Missykins
- Start date
ethnobot781
Bluelighter
Yeah, it's all too easy to end up feeling guilt for illness related stuff, which really blows. This is especially true if you've been told to pull yourself up by the boootstraps at any stage. Some people just have no idea and think that mental illness only happens to people with low moral fibre or some such rot, That can totally undermine your self-esteem if you're exposed to it too often/or for too long. The guilt then turns to anger which you turn inside 'cause you think it makes sense, with your low self-esteem that you deserve to be judged & found wanting. The inward anger becomes depression which leads to lowering of self-esteem further. It's a vicious spiral. The link in the chain that you can avoid consists of any nay-sayers that you know. Don't let them get inside your head and tell you that you'll never manage to quit drugs or, if you've already got clean & sober, that it'll never last. Maybe there's a reason why some of these people actually want you to fail. Maybe when you're ill you're easier for them to influence or manipulate. Control freaks often prefer people to to remain weak & biddable.
That's just one example however. Nay-sayers are terrible news for your quit since psychologically speaking, having gone in to panic mode about the drugs running out at last, your own mind will be nay-saying in an attempt to undermine your resolve & get high instead of fighting the urge & suffering anno0ying withdrawals. In my case at least I always imagine these being worse by far than the reality turns out to be. The subconscious agreement with the nay-sayers can do nine-tenths of their job for them. Be on your guard against this & avoid the nay-sayers (and other negative people) altogether if at all possible. Use a decent excuse to do this.
Just don't allow nay-sayer avoidance become another source of guilt. They will likely panic a little on hearing of your success but they'll soon find that you're of much more use to them as a friend clean than when you're using. Hopefully at that time they'll become a little more supportive in return & you can hang out with them again. It's necessary to be a little apparently selfish in order to break the back of your addiction but no more so than continuing to use. Addicts often don't realize just how selfish they are being until they quit. For those who do it is often one of the things that spurs them on when the going gets tough. If you don't get this bigger picture then trust me that you will in time
.Missykins
Bluelighter
This comes out of my father's mouth on a regular basis. He looks at what I have and thinks my mental illness is a character flaw. My twin brother as as well. Go figure.
weekend addiction
Bluelighter
In America the psych wards are hell. You won't get much of anything that is abusable. Even if you are prescribed such drugs you won't get them trust me. They might brutally wean you off benzos but they just want to make sure you don't go into a seizure. Eg. 4mg of xanax prescription. I got 1 mg and they weaned me me down off that in just 4 days. I was withdrawn off vyvanse without any weaning at the same time. It was hell!!! They didn't give a shit about me just wanted to collect a check. I was treated like cattle. Like a commodity that is to be kept alive but not to receive more than the bare minimum of care. No concern was given to me as a person. So long as I didn't die or have a decent lawsuit they were fine with the status quo. I left worse than when I came in. Reason being I know that if I loose it mentally I am better off committing suicide than suffering in an industry that I simultaneously am paying thousands of dollars to.
The staff was so ignorant that they constantly pissed me off. Just cause I don't have a degree and you do doesn't mean you can feed me bullshit! Eg. was told ativan was an anxiolytic but not a benzo. Even the doctors were extremely ignorant. I understand if the RN's and therapist are but atleast give me a doctor that isn't stupid as shit.
That's just my experience and I've been to one of the better state hospitals...
The staff was so ignorant that they constantly pissed me off. Just cause I don't have a degree and you do doesn't mean you can feed me bullshit! Eg. was told ativan was an anxiolytic but not a benzo. Even the doctors were extremely ignorant. I understand if the RN's and therapist are but atleast give me a doctor that isn't stupid as shit.
That's just my experience and I've been to one of the better state hospitals...
Missykins
Bluelighter
I'm very sorry that you had such a horrible experience. Fortunately, that wasn't mine for a number of reasons. For example, I was given my Suboxone. I wasn't forced to withdraw while I was there.
Artificial Emotion
Bluelighter
Well here's my experiences of note in a psychiatric ward. I was beaten up by a male nurse and locked in a 'seclusion room' for 6 hours without being allowed to go to the toilet, drink water or anything. I was told by the same nurse that he hoped I choked on my food and he was basically horrible and cruel to me the whole time I was there. I was forcibly injected with some depot antipsychotic even though I didn't need it and belittled and patronized at every opportunity. It's made me so angry I have fantasies (not that I would do it) about going back to the hospital to find the nurse and his friends wearing a balaclava and beating the shit out of him and then just leaving him to bleed there in a ditch or something. Those fucking assholes have made me so bitter, and all for what? Fuck the mental health system and their fucking bullshit, they can go piss off.
/rant
/rant
Vaya
Bluelight Crew
This made me cringe to read, though I'm glad that you posted it.
I have worked in psychiatric hospitals in direct care roles. As a class, we know we are the ones the patients often love to hate. But we do our best.
There are, however, some people who go to extremes and either dehumanize the clients, or too freely allow their own personal shit to seep into their work. What you've described is heinous and unacceptable.
I am, and will always be, very proud of the work that I did with patients of all walks of life, socioeconomic statuses, race, religion, gender, ethnicity and diagnosis/diagnoses. When an entire unit applauds you after leading an intense psychoeducational group (or even upon their realization that I'd be working the upcoming shift as I entered the unit), I knew I was effecting change in a positive way.
I ended up leaving the hospital because my client-centered ideals clashed too frequently with those of the power- and money-thirsty administrations.
Trust me, though. There really are those of us who care about you; more than you might have known at the time, and certainly more than we are allowed to professionally divulge (I mean nothing inappropriate by that, by the way). I do not contest your bitterness. But I wanted to interject that. I have wanted to participate in this thread since it was posted, but being that I'd be coming from "the other side of the fence," I have fierce doubts about my ability to productively contribute to this discussion.
I am truly aghast at what happened to you, Artificial Emotion. Especially the fact that the seclusion room (what we termed "Safe Room") protocols were all violated in your case.
Condumbpope
Bluelighter
Vaya
Bluelight Crew
He had the opportunity to issue a formal complaint and, depending on where you live, initiate a formal investigation into the matter. This was all within the Patient Bill of Rights that terminates upon discharge, though.
However, it may not be a complete waste of time to look into what kind of legal recourse after-the-fact you may be able to initiate against this nurse.
However, it may not be a complete waste of time to look into what kind of legal recourse after-the-fact you may be able to initiate against this nurse.
I was sent to a psych ward on two different occasions. They were two different psych wards actually. The first one I spent about 4 or 5 days after I failed suicide and they found a suicide note and knife I stupidly left in my room while I went to school. At first I was really depressed to have to go there against my own will, but on the last 2 days I felt at home. The last two days it was me, one guy and one girl and I felt pretty comfortable with them. Everyone else who was in there was pretty nice too, they were pretty nice to me. On Christmas eve I remember it was just me and one girl in there and we played card games with the staff (they were really nice and fun) and on Christmas day they gave the two of us gifts and we played on a Wii. I really miss everyone there. I would be ashamed if I got sent there again after I promised everyone I would change my ways. We also got to play basketball, I was pretty shy at first to play with the others since I've always been shy but I had fun. I felt really at home at that psych ward. I got home and found out my uncle was suicidal too and I talked to him and luckily he decided to stop.
The second time I got sent to a psych ward in the hospital they held me instead because I was cutting myself. It wasn't even too bad, just scratches really. The other kids I met here were really nice too, we would play cards and laugh and stuff so it was fun. I stayed here about 4 days also. I remember I would always try telling the doctors what they wanted to hear so I could get out faster. It's not that I didn't like it there, I felt more at home honestly, but I just had some important friends I wanted to see and I didn't want them to think I just disappeared.
Oh and I remember the food at both of the wards was really good. Maybe it's because I'm not used to eating normal food, though.
The second time I got sent to a psych ward in the hospital they held me instead because I was cutting myself. It wasn't even too bad, just scratches really. The other kids I met here were really nice too, we would play cards and laugh and stuff so it was fun. I stayed here about 4 days also. I remember I would always try telling the doctors what they wanted to hear so I could get out faster. It's not that I didn't like it there, I felt more at home honestly, but I just had some important friends I wanted to see and I didn't want them to think I just disappeared.
Oh and I remember the food at both of the wards was really good. Maybe it's because I'm not used to eating normal food, though.
Eyes On the Roll
Bluelighter
Lol whenever I would get pissed because I was baker acted they would inject me with some crazy shit in my ass. I then began to act out (of boredom) and throw fake tantrums just so they could inject me, with what I think was benzos. Being in there was the most boring thing ever, I needed some excitement.
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Eyes On the Roll
Bluelighter
All my 4 hospitalizations occurred at age 20 (I'm 21 now). When I hit 20 I just became a nihilist. I didn't give a shit about anything anymore. I was tired of hiding who I was, I was tired of acting. I'm still fucking sick of it. I hate how I can't connect with anyone, I hate how I can't relate. Deep down inside, I really hate the world and most everyone in it.. and at age 20 I had had enough. I unleashed my rage upon the world and it had consequences... now I am forever to be labeled.
Condumbpope
Bluelighter
Right on hahaha
Artificial Emotion
Bluelighter
I threatened to complain and actually was in the middle of doing so to the guy that deals with it (can't remember who he worked for) but in the middle of the phone call I was basically intimidated and made to say I wasn't being serious.
Vaya I know all mental health professionals are not like that but it's just my experience unfortunately. I wouldn't want to tar everyone with the same brush though, don't worry.
It's been about 3 years so I don't think legal action is possible. Also he would just deny it all. I wanted to bring a digital voice recorder in at one point but they constantly search you for 'harmful objects' and they would confiscate it. Mobile phones, cameras and sound recorders were all banned.
Artificial Emotion
Bluelighter
I saw a lot of people doing that. Sometimes you just know when people are faking it (no offence).
There was this one girl I was certain was making up the fact that she was hearing voices. When you're in close quarters with someone for as long as 9 months you really get to know them and how they think. It's a mind fuck really. That girl ended up attacking me because she wanted the staff to think she was paranoid. It was after I jokingly said to her that she may as well attack me instead of the staff because she would get the attention and not get into trouble with the police (sounds mean but because of the context it wasn't).
edit: sorry i didn't mean to imply you were faking your illness.
Missykins
Bluelighter
We had Wii, too. I'm actually a pretty good Wii bowler now. I
I felt basically the same way as you did.
Missykins
Bluelighter
I wish I had seen this sooner Missy. Did the family function already occur? I was going to encourage you not to go unless you feel ready. How are you feeling in general? Do you feel yourself getting more clarity?
Well, I went and it was pretty awful. My father ignored me pretty much the entire time. I did introduce myself to his girlfriend. It was a very saddening experience for him to literally walk right by me, saying to his girlfriend, "Now, that's my daughter over there."
Now, I am an adult with multiple advanced degrees yet I am still treated like a child.
Libby
Bluelighter
I was in the adolescent psych ward of Waitakere hospital (I don't think we have actual psychiatric hospitals in NZ anymore, they just use part of the normal hospitals for when people need to be inpatient). It was horrible but only because we were not allowed any privacy, we had to have a nurse supervise if we took a shower and we had to leave the door open a crack while a nurse sat on the other side if we used the bathroom, the other girl in my room was much MUCH sicker than I was, she was being fed through a tube in her stomach and whenever the nurses wernt around she would be purging through her tube squeezing the stuff back out again! Which convinced me I was quite fine and shouldn't have to be there and I spent a long time fighting with staff before I accepted I need to learn to be less extreme and work on my emotional and eating problems.
I think psychiatric hospitals were much worse in the olden days, I have heard of people being abused, electroshocked, and experimented on, as well as the whole frontal lobotomy thing *shudder* at least it's not like that anymore.
I think psychiatric hospitals were much worse in the olden days, I have heard of people being abused, electroshocked, and experimented on, as well as the whole frontal lobotomy thing *shudder* at least it's not like that anymore.
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Missykins
Bluelighter
Many of the rambling, abandoned psychiatric hospitals that dot the United States, often in small towns and suburban locations, were the work of Dr. Kirkbride, who believed that the mentally ill benefitted from fresh air and exercise. Patients' families were encouraged to move the patient's bedroom furniture to the asylum with them such that the patient would be surrounded by items from home, making the transition less disruptive. Considered to be state-of-the-art and long before ECT and thorazine, Kirkbride's patient-centered hospitals were too expensive to run, taken over by the State, where many collapsed under the weight of financial pressure, and corruption.