Well I have checked the last bag of 3-FPM away with no access to anymore... And on 7th June I go from 1.6 mg subutex to 1.2mg I want off this stuff now I want to be able to take my little one on holidays without worrying about getting enough subutex script or when to take it.. 3-FPM has been a mistake but at least I can help others now so there's a positive in every negative... People warned me against taking it and I never listened because I didn't feel in control and was rebelling against this... I realise that I did not really want Recovery when I went onto the Suboxone programme (under 2 mg they give you subutex/Buprenorphine which come in 0.4mg).
I want to become the person I was in 2012... I never could because I was never ready to seek recovery... I did all the various things; went to Recovery meetings, addiction places to meet others, forums... None of it worked because I did not want it.
Going on 3-FPM and it being MY decision to come off this rather than my loved ones makes ones. I feel in control so here's hoping this will work. I know my family loved me but when they check your mail and your drawers etc to see if your substances it's frustrating... That's what happened with opiates, it should have been MY decisions to come off.
The good thing is I'll have no way of accessing 3-FPM and WANT no way of accepting it! That's what they say isn't it????? Make it as difficult as possible to access your DOC, don't hang around with users, seek out like-minded people. I've tried helping others addicts but really what do I truly know??? I've related what I've learnt from others going through it but I've never properly recovered. Hopefully I can genuinely help people now. If I can help people with all I've been through then it's all been worth it. Hasn't it????
This 3-FPM I Have taken practically every day since I started in November n that's because that's what I do; when I fall for something I don't take it into moderation; I full on become; attached and addicted. I am an addict (for a lonnnnnng time I could not admit, I separate "me" from "them" and I still do struggle with it but time to accept the truth because it's just substances I've been addicted to but various other stuff as well, will leave that for another time...)
Been up all night because this will be the last time... I thought that stims would have me tidying up this place from top to bottom. They haven't it's the same as we before.
And it's time to put Lilvibe first. She deserves a lot better and that's what she's gna get... Holidays, trips out especially trips along the canal and horses pulling boats like the old days. I'm gna save up the money I would have spent on 3-FPM in another a/c for a holiday to the sea-side and a passport for LilVibe (they're like £80), but she deserves to go on holiday. For a long time I was scared of getting close to her for fearing as losing her.
When you first go on 3-FPM it makes you feel active, alive and serene---such an amazing feeling of serenity that makes you feel that all is right with the world, you want to cuddle everyone, be nice, say nice stuff.... but then there's other affects that are not nice... anything I did on it I did compulsively, more so than normal.... I was fiddling with my earings once and couldn't stop doing it for like EIGHT HOURS!.... When I posted on here was literally all the time at the exclusion of all else, it's really difficult to realise you're actually doing this because time was so fast.... Someone tried phoning me once at 9 pm I was busy sorting my CD system back into alphabetical order (was packed away for a year for when kitchen had been done), I text the person in what I thought was five minutes later to be told "I phoned you five hours ago it's now 2 am n you've woke me up..." ooooops... yeah I know I shoulda checked the time but it really did feel like five minutes had gone by, time was sooooo fast....
When my parents found out they asked "How long you been on this for?" to which I replied, "only a few weeks," they said "No you have not you've been on this since before Christmas..." I thought about it and yes I had but it had gone that fast that is how it felt. Of course they thought I was lying and to be honest I don't blame them because I had lied to them about my use. When you're an addict and addicted to a substance you lie like hell because you are petrified of losing what you are addicted to... This went against EVERYTHING I stand for because I'm extremely honest person and despise lies in others to me, I can usually spot people who lie to me a mile off and it fuels my paranoia which multiplied on 3-FPM....
The good thing about seeking Recovery is that I can now be honest because if anyone ever tried to use my addiction to hurt me I can honestly say "Yes, I was addicted to 3-FPM, Yes it was wrong, I shouldn't have done it, I should have listened, people were right in what they said when they warned me against using this RC"
I actually excited about this I want to start exercising again... I want to start eating healthily again. I want to help people with obesity issues as I once did n was training towards.... I went from £4,600 in savings to currently £8,000 in debt mostly due to addiction and partly due to trying to pay for a Masters (Weight Management) that I eventually dropped out and claimed a postgraduate qualification... It was difficult, extremely difficult. I struggled, failed a few modules due to depression and addiction issues (I should have taken time out but I didn't...) and anyone who's done a Masters in the UK, n failed a module knows it's like £100 to re-take that module. After working until 1 am most days and receiving a bad grade I knew that I had drop out. I do not like quitting so this was an extremely difficult decision for me but I felt such relief.... I feel that I've learned more about Nutrition from watching The Biggest Loser USA (love Jillian Michaels she's my IDOL, as well as Shaun T who does programmes for Beach Body,) n yes I know JM isn't on TBL USA no more lol but she's on my DVDs on TV so all's good...
I'll be doing exercise once I've over this comedown so plenty of milk, salmon, almonds, water, apples, bananas, keel, spinach, protein shakes I should hopefully be sorted within a week... It should be all about getting back my vitamins and hydration, oh and sleep (n plenty of it).... Damn your body knows when it's getting something good in it, I drank a pint of semi-skimmed milk yesterday and damn it was like my body was screaming "Gimme, Gimme, Gimme that now!" When I give my body something unhealthy I can feel my body rejecting it... Like with the 3-FPM, my body did not want it and tried rejecting it in ways I'd ignore....
It's mad knowing how that I am, or at least can be, in synch with the universe, if I really choose to be.... Two books I'm gna be re-reading; The Four Agreements and also The Power of Intention by Dr Wayne Dryer.
Right that's enough.... Time to log off but think I'm gna blog again... I want to document this journey so I have something I can look back on to try to help other people trying to recover from addiction.
Evey
I want to become the person I was in 2012... I never could because I was never ready to seek recovery... I did all the various things; went to Recovery meetings, addiction places to meet others, forums... None of it worked because I did not want it.
Going on 3-FPM and it being MY decision to come off this rather than my loved ones makes ones. I feel in control so here's hoping this will work. I know my family loved me but when they check your mail and your drawers etc to see if your substances it's frustrating... That's what happened with opiates, it should have been MY decisions to come off.
The good thing is I'll have no way of accessing 3-FPM and WANT no way of accepting it! That's what they say isn't it????? Make it as difficult as possible to access your DOC, don't hang around with users, seek out like-minded people. I've tried helping others addicts but really what do I truly know??? I've related what I've learnt from others going through it but I've never properly recovered. Hopefully I can genuinely help people now. If I can help people with all I've been through then it's all been worth it. Hasn't it????
This 3-FPM I Have taken practically every day since I started in November n that's because that's what I do; when I fall for something I don't take it into moderation; I full on become; attached and addicted. I am an addict (for a lonnnnnng time I could not admit, I separate "me" from "them" and I still do struggle with it but time to accept the truth because it's just substances I've been addicted to but various other stuff as well, will leave that for another time...)
Been up all night because this will be the last time... I thought that stims would have me tidying up this place from top to bottom. They haven't it's the same as we before.
And it's time to put Lilvibe first. She deserves a lot better and that's what she's gna get... Holidays, trips out especially trips along the canal and horses pulling boats like the old days. I'm gna save up the money I would have spent on 3-FPM in another a/c for a holiday to the sea-side and a passport for LilVibe (they're like £80), but she deserves to go on holiday. For a long time I was scared of getting close to her for fearing as losing her.
When you first go on 3-FPM it makes you feel active, alive and serene---such an amazing feeling of serenity that makes you feel that all is right with the world, you want to cuddle everyone, be nice, say nice stuff.... but then there's other affects that are not nice... anything I did on it I did compulsively, more so than normal.... I was fiddling with my earings once and couldn't stop doing it for like EIGHT HOURS!.... When I posted on here was literally all the time at the exclusion of all else, it's really difficult to realise you're actually doing this because time was so fast.... Someone tried phoning me once at 9 pm I was busy sorting my CD system back into alphabetical order (was packed away for a year for when kitchen had been done), I text the person in what I thought was five minutes later to be told "I phoned you five hours ago it's now 2 am n you've woke me up..." ooooops... yeah I know I shoulda checked the time but it really did feel like five minutes had gone by, time was sooooo fast....
When my parents found out they asked "How long you been on this for?" to which I replied, "only a few weeks," they said "No you have not you've been on this since before Christmas..." I thought about it and yes I had but it had gone that fast that is how it felt. Of course they thought I was lying and to be honest I don't blame them because I had lied to them about my use. When you're an addict and addicted to a substance you lie like hell because you are petrified of losing what you are addicted to... This went against EVERYTHING I stand for because I'm extremely honest person and despise lies in others to me, I can usually spot people who lie to me a mile off and it fuels my paranoia which multiplied on 3-FPM....
The good thing about seeking Recovery is that I can now be honest because if anyone ever tried to use my addiction to hurt me I can honestly say "Yes, I was addicted to 3-FPM, Yes it was wrong, I shouldn't have done it, I should have listened, people were right in what they said when they warned me against using this RC"
I actually excited about this I want to start exercising again... I want to start eating healthily again. I want to help people with obesity issues as I once did n was training towards.... I went from £4,600 in savings to currently £8,000 in debt mostly due to addiction and partly due to trying to pay for a Masters (Weight Management) that I eventually dropped out and claimed a postgraduate qualification... It was difficult, extremely difficult. I struggled, failed a few modules due to depression and addiction issues (I should have taken time out but I didn't...) and anyone who's done a Masters in the UK, n failed a module knows it's like £100 to re-take that module. After working until 1 am most days and receiving a bad grade I knew that I had drop out. I do not like quitting so this was an extremely difficult decision for me but I felt such relief.... I feel that I've learned more about Nutrition from watching The Biggest Loser USA (love Jillian Michaels she's my IDOL, as well as Shaun T who does programmes for Beach Body,) n yes I know JM isn't on TBL USA no more lol but she's on my DVDs on TV so all's good...
I'll be doing exercise once I've over this comedown so plenty of milk, salmon, almonds, water, apples, bananas, keel, spinach, protein shakes I should hopefully be sorted within a week... It should be all about getting back my vitamins and hydration, oh and sleep (n plenty of it).... Damn your body knows when it's getting something good in it, I drank a pint of semi-skimmed milk yesterday and damn it was like my body was screaming "Gimme, Gimme, Gimme that now!" When I give my body something unhealthy I can feel my body rejecting it... Like with the 3-FPM, my body did not want it and tried rejecting it in ways I'd ignore....
It's mad knowing how that I am, or at least can be, in synch with the universe, if I really choose to be.... Two books I'm gna be re-reading; The Four Agreements and also The Power of Intention by Dr Wayne Dryer.
Right that's enough.... Time to log off but think I'm gna blog again... I want to document this journey so I have something I can look back on to try to help other people trying to recover from addiction.
Evey