everything's going to be okay.

As you may or may not already know this past year has been a hectic one for me. From going through severe depression, my best friend and boyfriend of 5 years dying, living in an abusive home, being evicted, my mother being arrested, my sister and I running away, being sent to group homes and placements, homelessness, shelters and college dreams put off (not because of choice)..... Sounds like fun, right? Oh, how I wish I could look back and laugh about that all but there's no way I can do that now. Its so depressing reading my TDS thread back when this all happened.... Back when everything I had was taken away from me in the blink of an eye. My hope, my dreams and everything in between gone in a matter of seconds. So here I am now eighteen and laying in a bed that isn't mine; living in a place that will never be mine. Just another place that I will soon have to leave because I've never had a sense of security, so why would I have that now? This is transitional housing and sooner than later you're going to have to leave. This is nothing new to you.

This is how I always lived my life. My life was never easy and never did I expect it to be. I mean yes I did wish it could of been and I would love to have been born into a rich family or even a stable one but as you can see that's not what happened. What happened was I was born into a family with many problems, no security, a mother who tried but only was put down by my once abusive father, being also put down by an abusive father, going to foster care for a year because of your father and to only then end up being abused there, then coming back home, living what seemed to be a stable life but then back to abuse and evictions, back to a stable life, back to an unstable one.... The cycle just was never ending. Yet, throughout that all I had managed to still have dreams, hopes and aspirations. All this had made me strong, at least I thought it did.

Yet, here I am at age eighteen and I have finally broken down. How does this happen? After years of going strong even though everything around you was a mess. Its hard to believe the kid at age eight or ten was stronger than the kid I am now. I have finally broken. I can't seem to piece myself back together and the sad thing is I don't want to. I have finally reached the point in my life where I truly can say I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I've tried and I've tried but only to be let down once again. I really don't understand why I deserved this. Yes, I may have slipped up and used drugs at the age of fifteen but even before that my life was pretty much shit and after I started using it was still the same. Nothing had changed except for the false sense of happiness I had received from the self medication. So why even try anymore? That's what I've been doing for so long but nothing has come out of it, nothing at all.

I know I could go to college in the fall even though I should of already been in it... I know I can get back on my feet again and move out of this place. I know I can get clean because I have before but why do I no long want to do any of that? Why do I just want to say fuck it all and do nothing? Seriously at this point I'm not sure if I will make it to twenty one let alone nineteen and the sad thing is I'm okay with that. I'm okay with dying. I'm not going to take my own life but I know my actions now will surely increase my chances of doing so. The old me would of never allowed this to happen but who I once was is no longer who I am now.

And I keep hearing everything is going to be alright. Everything is going to be okay but really is that true?

 

I promise that right now it seems like everything is the end of the world and I understand the "fuck it" mentality most drug abusers/addicts have... I have it too. But seriously, go to college if you have the chance. Especially if you can live in the dorms. That can be your stability. I lost my mom at 20 and I toughed it out for 2 years, just in pure survival mode, and eventually broke down into this doom and gloom person, addicted to opioids and worse off than ever.

I can't say I have much insight but if you have the chance, go to college. Trust me, 18 is a very young age. You'll find people way older than you in your classes depending on what type of college you go to. Try being 25 in classes with 18 year olds. It sucks but there are also 40 year olds who have to bring their kid to class with them, have their kid sit through a 2 hour class with a Nintendo DS, but in the long run it's much better... It's also quite inspiring to see a single mother bettering herself for her child. Seeing it from different perspectives helps.

"Hurt now or hurt later" was something someone said to me that really stuck with me... Delaying pain is a very human and compulsive thing to do. But do it. Better yourself for yourself.

 

Thank you for your words of wisdom and I'm sorry to hear about your mother's death... I know that sounds cliche and you've probably heard it millions of times but I really am sorry for your loss.

Well, I will hopefully go to school in the fall. I was accepted to many four year schools last year and was enrolled in penn state but I had to put that on hold. So now I'm just going to go to a local community college and start off slow, see how things go and then transfer out. I just want to be emotionally ready to go back to school. I want to also know what I want before I make this big commitment (loans, classes ect)... I don't want to feel overwhelmed until I know I'm ready to handle it all. I'm sure I can but who knows, things just have been all over the place for me lately.