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Everything is meaningless.

birdup said:
There is no dread.

This thread was motivated by numbness.
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You’ve mentioned your spiritual/emotional numb ness on a number of occasions. Usually I have advice or at least an anecdote on just about every topic but I really have no idea how to rekindle depth of feeling (if you lost it) or install and boot it up (if you didn’t acquire it as part of your normal development earlier in life.

I do wish I had something to offer though.
 
The numbness, I think, is the result of relative sobriety. I used to be so alive when I was high AF all the time. My emotions were heightened. Now, it feels like something is missing... but I think this is how everyone feels all the time.



Then again, maybe the numbness is because I switched from amphetamines and psychedelics to weed and alcohol. I don't know. I kind of feel like I'm stuck in between chapters of my life at the moment. Like, I don't know who I am anymore.

Getting sober after decades is hard. There is so much negative behaviour hard-wired into me. I need to gut myself like a fish.

Maybe not.

Twenty is okay.
 
Weed and alcohol damaged my heart and soul in ways that amphetamines and psychedelics never could. My trajectory in every part of life turned sharply upwards when I quit drinking. Sadly the damage from weed was pretty permanent.

I have my problems with just how much cash and mental bandwidth meth can soak up when I’m deep in it. But dexamfetamine transformed my life in unimaginably positive ways. And acid has helped me become a more interesting and complex person able to value a much wider spectrum of humanity than when I was a corporate executive wanting little more than a bigger BMW and handmade suits. If it never actually enhanced me, it certainly erased a whole bunch of misanthropic schema that ran freely in my head for decades.

Speed and psychedelics are essential to my quality of life. But I don’t know or have any particular hopes or expectations about whether that will always be the case. I’ve had a few multi-year stretches of 100 % total sobriety and they weren’t that bad. They were periods when I ,learned a lot because I mostly just filled all that sober time in with books.
 
I think weed is worse than alcohol in terms of daily consumption. It takes weeks for me to emerge from the fog that it creates in my brain. Whereas, with alcohol, there is no fog after the hangover. In fact, I find I am often at my sharpest when I am hungover.

Mushrooms have maybe done me the most damage. I not only thought they were completely safe to consume, I believed they brought me closer to God. So, I ate them all the time in ridiculous quantities. My mental health was very poor at the time. Probably the worst it has ever been. I constantly misinterpreted things that were happening around me. I saw significance in everything, even when I knew it wasn't there. I used to think like the psychonauts around here. It has taken me years to lift that fog.

I don't it's healthy to take any drug on a daily basis, but particularly psychedelics. I need to stop consuming marijuana like it's alcohol and instead have it occasionally like LSD and other psychs.

My diet is shit and I'm not exercising as much as I used to. Being locked down in my house for 300 days didn't help. Amphetamines make me feel healthy when I'm not healthy. I need to get my foundation right before I start taking uppers again. I want that healthy energy, plus... but I can do without the plus if it isn't sustainable.

@Perforated

What permanent damage did weed do to you?

Weed and alcohol damaged my heart and soul in ways that amphetamines and psychedelics never could.
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Weed is a psych.
 
birdup said:
@Perforated

What permanent damage did weed do to you?
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When I was a young kid I experienced some trauma that my parents were in denial about and as a consequence found it difficult to form trust-based relationships with people - like other kids at school for example. For reasons I never fathom my parents decided to move too new jobs in new towns every few years so I was perpetually having to start fresh socially in an entirely new context. Often these contexts were outback type towns and I was already well formed as a big city kit who had nothing in common with kids in these places.

Anyway, to cut a long story short I was torn from the city where I was in an excellent school nurturing my talents and where I was a high achiever in almost everything (except sport). I had a non-relationship with my parents and was totally isolated in these towns when not being victimised as a faggot etc. Then I discovered weed and learned in about a week that it totally blunted all trauma and created an impermeable barrier of benign indifference to every unpleasant and distasteful thing in my life.

From the first day I tried it at maybe 13 I smoked it every single day before school and often at lunchtime for the remainder of high school. And from that point on I made no attempt to form connections with people and, most damagingly in the long term, I totally missed a critical piece of developing socialisation skills in that 5 years. So I can act appropriately in almost all social contexts (mainly through not talking much and a capacity for observation and mimicry) but inter-personal relationships, friendships, mateships, and especially any ability at comprehending and successfully negotiating group dynamics were, and largely still are, entirely alien to me.

All that weed built a bullet-proof glass wall between me and the social world that I have no idea how to crack and have basically given up bothering to try. It also probably halved my potential HSC results and I barely scraped into higher education. Basically it erased a good 25 % of my potential in different dimensions. Not just academic but social as well.

Fortunately a girl at uni introduced me to to speed in the first semester and after working through my first gram I suddenly found weed repugnant and in the 30 years since I’ve maybe puffed on a joint twice in situations where it seemed prudent to be sociable.

 
Perforated said:
When I was a young kid I experienced some trauma that my parents were in denial about and as a consequence found it difficult to form trust-based relationships with people - like other kids at school for example. For reasons I never fathom my parents decided to move too new jobs in new towns every few years so I was perpetually having to start fresh socially in an entirely new context. Often these contexts were outback type towns and I was already well formed as a big city kit who had nothing in common with kids in these places.

Anyway, to cut a long story short I was torn from the city where I was in an excellent school nurturing my talents and where I was a high achiever in almost everything (except sport). I had a non-relationship with my parents and was totally isolated in these towns when not being victimised as a faggot etc. Then I discovered weed and learned in about a week that it totally blunted all trauma and created an impermeable barrier of benign indifference to every unpleasant and distasteful thing in my life.

From the first day I tried it at maybe 13 I smoked it every single day before school and often at lunchtime for the remainder of high school. And from that point on I made no attempt to form connections with people and, most damagingly in the long term, I totally missed a critical piece of developing socialisation skills in that 5 years. So I can act appropriately in almost all social contexts (mainly through not talking much and a capacity for observation and mimicry) but inter-personal relationships, friendships, mateships, and especially any ability at comprehending and successfully negotiating group dynamics were, and largely still are, entirely alien to me.

All that weed built a bullet-proof glass wall between me and the social world that I have no idea how to crack and have basically given up bothering to try. It also probably halved my potential HSC results and I barely scraped into higher education. Basically it erased a good 25 % of my potential in different dimensions. Not just academic but social as well.

Fortunately a girl at uni introduced me to to speed in the first semester and after working through my first gram I suddenly found weed repugnant and in the 30 years since I’ve maybe puffed on a joint twice in situations where it seemed prudent to be sociable.
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I find it so weird your experience with weed.

Personally weed enhances me in every way, creatively, mentally, physically, spiritually.

I'm a better all-round person on the stuff. I feel it's a drug I can be on 24/7 everyday with no adverse side effects.
 
LaCuNa said:
I find it so weird your experience with weed.

Personally weed enhances me in every way, creatively, mentally, physically, spiritually.

I'm a better all-round person on the stuff. I feel it's a drug I can be on 24/7 everyday with no adverse side effects.
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I’m sure it was probably just a bad combination with my 13 year old psychology and having way too much of it and isolating myself at a very formative stage of development and it just became associated in my mind with all that.

However, it’s also true that I don’t like any kind of drug that is a downer (which in my mind weed is, although I know it makes lot’s of people sociable). I’ve tried all kind of things but I’d never take say an opiate or a benzo recreationally. Just doesn’t seem like fun. But I’ll take both classes if I’m ever prescribed them.

If I learned anything from BL it’s that certain kinds of drugs go well with certain kinds of brains but offer nothing but misery to other kinds of brains.
 
Everything is carless
Everything is bookless
Everything is airless
Everything is dirtless
Everything is sleepless
Everything is tableless
Everything is jacketless

Do you see the absurdity?
 
@Mjäll

Yes and no?

Everything is absurd because we take it all so seriously and it is meaningless.

You have to read between the lines. I don't literally mean everything is meaningless. People apply meaning to all sorts of things. But (without that effort) there is no inherent meaning.

You can't say the same about cars or jackets.

If everybody died, there would still be cars and jackets.

Applying meaning to things is a wild goose chase that ends when we die.
 
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birdup said:
@Mjäll

Yes and no?

Everything is absurd because we take it all so seriously and it is meaningless.
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Meaning is simply one phenomenon. It's as real as my other examples, but not more real, not grander or more overarching. Expecting the universe to be "meaningful" is equivalent to expecting the universe to be "carful" or "airful" or anything like that.

What you feel isn't meaninglessness. What you feel is SMALLNESS.
 
No, what I feel is meaningless not smallness.

Expecting the universe to be "meaningful" is equivalent to expecting the universe to be "carful" or "airful" or anything like that.
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WTF?

I don't expect anything.

Meaning is part of an arbitrary subjective experience.

Air is not. Cars are not. With all due respect, this isn't the sort of conversation I'm interested in. Perhaps @alasdairm would like to engage with you on this. Although, there might not be enough room for both of you to exist at the same time?
 
birdup said:
No, what I feel is meaningless not smallness.



WTF?

I don't expect anything.

Meaning is part of an arbitrary subjective experience.

Air is not. Cars are not. With all due respect, this isn't the sort of conversation I'm interested in. Perhaps @alasdairm would like to engage with you on this. Although, there might not be enough room for both of you to exist at the same time?
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Lamenting the world's meaninglessness implies an expectation that it should be meaningful. That's a simple function of semantics and nothing to be upset about. You never hear anyone lamenting the world's "carlessness" when they find out there's no one car to cover the entire universe, because people don't expect there to be one single car somehow magically attached to the entirety of all there is.

Of course meaning is subjective. Meaning is always defined in relation to the interest of some party. Does this mean meaning isn't real, or what exactly is the problem?

What's wrong with this sort of conversation? I don't know who alasdairm is, but he sounds like a blast and bunching me up with some other awesome fellow is a really cute insult.
 
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