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Everything is falling before my eyes

TweakFace

TweakFace

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 7, 2013
Messages
514
Location
around the block
I've been neglecting to post for the past week or so because I hate having to comes terms that I might have a problem, a lot of them actually and I'm going to vent a little, I'm sorry if this post becomes a tad long but I'll try to get right to the key points.

I'm also on a lot of Xanax and weed right craving alcohol but I feel alright enough to get this across. If only I could buy booze right now but it's too fucking late :X

Lately, the past few weeks everything has been falling apart. I think I may indeed have a problem and I hate having to admit that. I tried a couple of AA and NA meetings a week ago and I fucking hate that shit. They're all talking about higher powers, God and whatever and I hate that shit.

A little backtrack: When I was 17 I was sent to a 60 day outpatient program for Heroin addiction and yeah I needed it bad, was using the needle and eveything that goes along with that life style. I was sent to rehab and I did well, I dedicated a life to sobriety. I stayed sober a year straight at a halfway home where I finished high school and then relapsed right after I got home. I still wanted to do well so I enlisted in the US Army. I did quite well, I was all for it and I loved the Army. I stayed sober for another 8 monti hs into the military, no drinking. I even went to Sniper School, and on top of being a Cav Scout, I was well on my way. Then I relapsed on LSD which led to trying Meth for the first time and going AWOL to Montana spending thousands on Meth and every drug you can name.

4 years later I'm taking Crystal Meth on a daily basis. I usually make it for myself shake n bake style but once in a while I get good crystal.
I also abuse the fuck out of Xanax ( i have a script for anxiety which is probably due to the excessive pot and Meth use). I smoke an eighth of good weed at least a day, I fuck with Oxycodone and all kinds of different painkillers and the vicious cycle is beginning to drive me insane. I'm broke, and I feel at a such a loss.

Not to mention, I have the worst love life. Been single 3 years since that bitch screwed me over and fucked 3 of my close friends. It hurt bad.

I want to quit, but I coulnd't go a full week without Meth and Alcohol. Fuck, I just feel so lost and don't kno what to do... drugs are taking over my life again but this time worse than I could have imagined. Any advice?

My friends never give me any advice so I feel like at a loss.
 
Tweakface,1st thing I would do is throw out the zanax,really don't like calling you tf either,i am a 40yr active user,was a 40 yr,did it all,herion was my fav,i felt pretty much the same about aa and the meetings,but for most,the meetings keep them clean,I don't go to meetings,although I am supposed to,it is mandatory of the suboxin facility I have been going to for 5yrs now,anyway,if your strung out,go get clean 1st and then you will atleast beable to fig out how you can stay clean,as you know you have to want to and it isn't easy at 1st,but does get much better in time,best of luck
 
Hi tweakface sorry to hear about your current struggles. I too have been into downward spiral. Took some drugs but was more of an alcoholic. When I am emotionally torn apart, I resort to alcohol. This went on for many years but you know what, accepting that you have a problrm and working your way to resolve your drug issues is what matters the most. Like some of us, we have been through hell and back but it is important to remember that you have the power to turn your self around. The control is in your hands to kick off the habit and get yourself sober.

As for the ex gf who cheated on you, not worth thinking about her! Once you get clean from all of this, you will find a better partner I promise you.as for now, focus on yourself in getting sober and clean. I wish you all the best and it will be a long tough road but it is yoyr will that will save you from all of this.
 
Thanks for the responses guys, it means alot. The thought of being completely clean scares the shit out of me. I can't imagine a world without drugs, as sad as that sounds. I ended up getting more xanax out of impulse last night, probably not the best idea.

Right now I'm trying to cut back and I've been somewhat successful but every now and then I just go crazy with drugs and alcohol and don't stop and make an ass out of myself or get kicked out places including friends homes for calling girls Bitches and whatnot when I'm under the influence. Ugh. Hoping things get better, just one day at a time I suppose.
 
Hey Tweak sorry you are struggling<3. Yeah there really isn't any better combination to make asses out of ourselves than benzos and booze.. yeah really we seem to make no good decisions on that combo.. have you looked into SMART recovery? SMART Recovery (Support Group information and discussion) But it kinda looks to me like you have slipped into the end game of drugs and it will likely get worse and worse untill you are able to climb outa the whole you are still digging. What is it that you still think you like about drugs?
 
I'll check that link out for sure.


You're right though it's getting out of control. I smoke crystal at least twice a day, about 8mg Xanax a day plus stupid amounts of alcohol. I just want to kill myself and end my worthless fucking life. No girls are attracted to me, I don't take care of myself and recently ruined some good relationships due to people telling me to cut down so I told them all to fuck off....

Ugh so lost...
 
You need to get the idea out of your head that you are fucked. Try to remember back to the time you were sober. What you fear now in sobriety is hopelessness...you dread all these emotions that drugs take away from you. But living life in the raw is not dreadful, nor is it unpleasant, it just is...raw. It is a weird feeling but the way you are talking, you know that your drug use cant sustain what it is giving you now. It is scary to come to this crossroads in your life, and it is very scary to take the jump back to sobriety, but you have to know that you can do it. Please dont talk so badly about yourself, we are only human and can only be so much of what we want to be. Remember, it is hard to be a saint, but it is worth it to be a man and accept the people we are and still have that hunger for change in ourselves that I can see in you.

There are good things in this life. Like Breaking Bad. I love the avatar. But you tell me right now, it is worth living for a story like Breaking Bad. I dont think anything in life beats a good story. Life is all about those little pleasures. The big picture is hard to look at and...rather depressing. If anything thats what fueled my drug abuse. But I think once you decide to be sober, your memory of how life used to be possible to live sober will come back to you, and the small pleasures will turn into damn euphoria... Its better than the momentary ecstasy of any drug because it is worth it to live a stable minded life, and to not feel dirty and ashamed, and to be able to appreciate the small things so well.

You are just like our friend Jesse Pinkman. Capable of so much, and all thats holding you back is yourself, with some evil pushing you forward and pulling you down. Break free man. Dont be pulled down, and let yourself and the people and things that matter push you forward.

Life is full of a billion chances. When you burn some bridges, you find more that lead back to somewhere you didnt even know you had your eye on.
 
try replacing the anxiety controlling nature of Xanax and the role it plays in your life with something else that relaxes you. I like big pots of herbal tea (passionflower, natural tranquiliser) mixed with peppermint is great.

Oh and the same must be attempted with the crystal. What you have is a habit formed on up and down loops. You get tweaked from the meth which you take often, and to be able to sleep or function when you need to, you take the xanax, which counteracts it. Does the Xanax make you feel groggy upon waking and do you have a morning puff to get you out of bed, like most people do coffee?

Habitual behaviours and addictions need to be understood from the basest of levels. Analyse your habits; the time each day you take, what makes you take more or less and what triggers you to think of it or seek it out? This is stuff you should consider even write down clearly for yourself, the objective facts about your habit. This will help you understand and deal with the problems you face every day with your habits. And perhaps once you understand the how's and what's, perhaps you can focus your energies on understanding and eventually answering the why.

Regardless of whether you do what I suggest above, you know that change is required and that you probably know to some degree the amount and severity of the change that is required. So don't sabotage yourself and think it's too late and everything is ruined. There is always possible redemption and salvation for the lost souls further down the path :-)

Hope this helps
 
^ Thanks you guys, it means a lot.

Today all my friends told me to fuck off and that they don't want to see me. I must have done something stupid last night in a Xanax blackout. I can't think of any other explanation.
On the contrary, I have a date with a really beautiful girl later this week and I can't believe she said yes... Shit seems so out of whack lately I barely know what's going on around me nowadays. But I've also had a thing for this girl for awhile and we recently started talking so I'm geeked for that.

So I got pissed at my friends and went out and got heroin for the first time in years. Shot a small amount up after not using a needle for 6 years then continued to smoke some meth and have a beer which has me feeling like I've never imagined. I have a low opiate tolerance as it is. I've sobered a bit from then, but the meth still has me tweaking.

Maybe the only option is really to just quit the drugs, but it seems to impossible. A life without at least booze or weed freaks me out. Sorry for ranting, just had to get it out somewhere. No one else will talk to me, except for that girl but I dare didn't mention a thing about my drug usage. She thinks I just smoke weed...
 
If you're serious about getting sober go into a treatment/detox center and get off of the alcohol, benzos, and opiates since it's dangerous to quit alcohol and benzos yourself. The path you are on right now with using and abusing drugs only leads to more problems, and death.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting another outcome or results." You already know that you can't use drugs recreationally and that you're better off sober and not using drugs at all, since using drugs does lead you back to abusing your DOC (drugs of choice) or you find new ones to abuse.

You don't have to go to AA/NA meetings unless you want to, or you can use them as a way to get sober and ignore the stuff you don't agree with.

Telling your friends or family that you have a drug and alcohol addiction isn't a failure, and yes there is life beyond using drugs. Becoming sober or admitting you have a drug problem, and getting sober is not failure; but it's a gift and one that many people who are addicted don't even realize or they realize it too late. Yes for many of us addicts it does take time or multiple tries to actually get sober. Good luck and stay safe.
 
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^ Thanks again for the responses

Well, I've finally admitted to my friends and family I have a problem. I told my family I have a drinking problem and the same to friends but I've still neglected to tell them the full truth.

Some things have changed in the past week as well. I've been trying as hard as I can to cut down on my Meth, Pot, and Alcohol use but with basically no meth, I've turned to Heroin for reasons I have no fucking idea. I've kept it a secret from everyone and plan to do so. Heroin where I live is looked down upon, like bad. Every my friends who abuse pills and whatnot, won't tolerate H.

Also, I don't know if I mentioned this already somewhere here on BL but I recently met a very beautiful down to earth girl. She's everything I want, but knows nothing of my use. She knows I smoke weed, since we smoke occasionally together, she only likes it every now and then. I just have no clue how she is attracted to me... I'm pretty sure I look like a washed up junkie... Maybe she likes my raw personality, I don't know. Just feels like their is so much on my mind and my brain chemistry seems out of whack. I'm also taking 40mg Celexa daily too, and have no idea how that interacts with all the other drugs. Plus people keep telling me all I need to do is get a gym membership and start getting in shape... I'm not so sure about that... A lot of people I interact with are completely ignorant to true addiction and it makes me feel alone a lot.

Anyways, right now I'm trying to take it a day at a time, and finally reaching out to people. Quitting is so hard to wrap around my head compared to previous times when I've gotten clean. It's nice coming here though seeing all your supportive posts. I might hit up an NA meeting again this week, just to go in and listen to others.
 
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That's great Tweakface I am happy that you met a beautiful lady. Yes you are right to take it one day at a time and maybe spend time with her instead of doing the drugs? ;)
 
Maya said:
That's great Tweakface I am happy that you met a beautiful lady. Yes you are right to take it one day at a time and maybe spend time with her instead of doing the drugs? ;)
Click to expand...

Thank you and thats what I was thinking! I think this week when I get paid instead of blowing it all on H and Xanax, I'm going to take her out on a date :) Feeling like a lucky guy despite all the other shit going on.

Thanks again from everyone's responses! Today is day 1 taking it real easy no, only taking a small dose of Xanax later but no booze for sure and only a little bit of weed. Small steps...
 
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